Friday, June 30, 2006


And finally I started to shed this pregnancy. I could tell it was going to be hell & so from the early morning hours I drugged myself with non sterroidals & codeine & the pain still screamed thru the drug barriers. My eyes have looked like theyre falling out of my head all day (not a good look for the new job). Somehow i managed to stay at work. Enduring all this in a brand new job is difficult. I have no regrets at leaving my soul destroying, highly paid job but the only benefit of that job was i didnt care & i spent more hours away from work than at days like this were hard, really hard. I survived on chocolate & drugs.

I arrived home, hugged A, cried on his shoulder from the pain (not the loss but the pain, would you believe). A filled me a bubble bath. He surrounded the bath with candles & I lay there for over an hour. He put on some beautiful flute relaxing music & I felt half alive but at least in the heat & water, the pain finally subsided. I recall after my D&C, when the pain was torturous, I spent many nites half alive groaning in the bath.

The dogs kept coming in, getting soap suds on their noses & leaving only to return 5 mins later.

A is making a yummy dinner & thank god its the w'end & I have two days to bleed & try & recover.

I anticipated I would be so heavy I was worried I'd leak everywhere (sorry i know it may be too much information well if so, dont read the next few sentences). While it wasnt as heavy as expected, I did pass a few clots that were HUGE, similar to the size i passed after the 9 wk miscarriage. They were particularly painful. I recall from last miscarriage too that its when the huge clots are passing the cervix, thats the worst pain. They were enormous. What were they i wandered, a bit of fetus? endometrium?

I am wrecked.
I am exhausted.
I am at least pleased that finally ive started to bleed
I think once its leaving physically, i can start to shift emotionally & try to move on from this.

I called the miscarriage management nurse as I was told. She swaps from the pregnancy support nurse when youre pregnant to the miscarriage management nurse when you miscarry (how versatile of her). She booked me in for the 4D ultrasound & she'll tell me when i have to have regular bloods for tracking & then book me in for the endometrial biopsy. I hate having to go in there for bloods. Till now it hasnt bothered me soooo much but im noticing I loathe it now, its really taking its toll, this interventionist treatment & miscarriage trauma.

Tonite I found a new blog ( Jill has had 6 miscarriages. I only know the pain & trauma of 4 miscarriages & i know that to be unbearable so my heart goes out to Jill.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Todays update is....just todays update

The first half of today was an emotional one. Thru my new job, I visited where my mother had resided for only a few weeks at the end of her life (thats a whole other story) but it was a tad too difficult. Ive been there since she died but today, it was too hard, the emotion wouldnt be supressed, it hurriedly poured down my face, i knew it was all too much, mum, this miscarriage. the previous three. I drove back to work in tears. I felt loaded up with loss.

I know its not gracious to feel sorry for me but the truth right now is that i do. I feel as tho' this lifetime ive endured enough loss. Loss has been a familiar experience for me & for someone in their 30's ive experienced too much of it. Yrs ago when i did an astrology course, I was told that scorpios are very connected to death & death energy, rebirth, death energy. Scorpio is ruled by the planet Pluto which is all about death & rebirth. Even my amazing astrologer is dead now (that probably sounds funny, but really isnt meant to).

Then in the afternoon, i had a tiny glimmer of positivity. A very close friend C called me at work to see how I was going. He was so lovely. He had the protest Ive been wishing people would have. He was overwhelmed at this outrageous situation....he couldnt believe they allow this to happen to us (miscarrying women), he was furious on my behalf. He started to tell me that he'd been talking to the president of his board (of his organisation - a very large prominent womens health org) abt my situation & she had been caring & respectful. I then told him our story abt how my RE had been upset at our desire to get a second opinion but we'd nonetheless persevered & had made an appt with this miscarriage specialist for the 12/7. He then said to me 'I wish you would see D" & then I exclaimed "it is her, were seeing" It was one of those synergystic moments & i felt a little hopeful that maybe the universe would provide after all. He immediately called her to tell her I was seeing her & she promised him she'd do all she could. I felt a tiny moment of relief. I am praying she will uncover things our RE hasnt.

Then when i got home A & I with the boys headed for a nite time walk to our local beach & had a yummy thai dinner. The boys ran around everywhere & even when youre really down, its uplifting to see two beautiful shaggy dogs so tremendously happy. It does lift our moods. All A & I talked about was this...our loss & strruggle. It is dominating our entire world. I told A I was thinking of sending an email out to our many friends & family Ive neglected ...Ive been feeling bad that for quite a few people Ive just cut off altogether & for others while it hasnt been so extreme ive still hardly been in contact. its been causing me pressure etc so ....I thought it could go something like this;

'dear all, Im sending this email to acknowledge Ive been distant & havent connected to any of you for a long time now. Im sorry abt that. As you know our fertility journey hasnt been easy & in fact it keeps getting harder. Its taking up all my inner resources to simply cope with it & survive this & Ive found the way I cope is to retreat & gon inside & hence Ive had no energy to connect with any of you. I guess this isnt going to resolve quickly & i have no idea for how long it will go on so im writing to say - unfortunately thats how it is & tho I do feel bad at my lack of contact, its the best i can do at the moment'

not sure if i should send something like that?......

Anyway, i got home, checked my blog & thru Nikole (thanx so much nikole) Id been connected to a many other also struggling thru this.....i felt less felt good to be in a community of support....thanx to you all.

There was still no sign of blood today tho it felt it would be arriving soon (but it has felt like that everyday). There was hardly any sign of sleep last nite too.....

So tonite Im sipping camomile & praying for some sleep.

& ill also pray Vivien gets a positive test & that it stays positive for 12 wks, no longer - till she delivers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, June 27, 2006


Im still pregnant but i guess its not really a wholesome pregnancy as Ive been confirmed I will miscarry....I went in to the clinic this am for a repeat hcg - its still hovering but wont quite plummet down to zero. It is slowly declining & it feels awful. I've been angry - at everything! I acknowledge its the loss & grief but in the meantime - there's enough to be angry about anyway;
Im angry they just leave you to this cruel state. If theyre so interventionist, then why cant they enable it to come down quicker - its awful.
Im angry at my RE still, who was so ego based & unprofessional at our justified & reasonable desire to get a second opinion with a dr who is supposedly a specialist in miscarriage.
Im angry IVF hasnt mastered how to maintain pregnancies. I feel they do half the job. They are skilled at creating embryos but not much help after that.
Im angry that i keep miscarrying.
Im angry at the world that this is happening.
Im angry there arent huge protests trying to stop this from happening again - i know im sounding insane but on an emotional level - it does feel unacceptable to me - how can this keep happening? Can I make a complaint? Wheres the boss?
Why is it my RE had a kind of chilled out, laissez faire attitude?
From his point of view - he has already told me, that with patients like me (ie: miscarriers) who dont seem to have an explanation as to why it keeps happening - the most common pattern is-they (drs)start them (us) on clexane (a blood thinning drug) & perhaps they still have a few more miscarriages, but then for no known reason - they'll carry to term & nothing can be explained.....thats the majority, but he also did say that not all of them get there.
So i guess thats what he thinks -that i'll probably eventually get there....but from our point of view - it feels a tad different - its agony, emotionally torturous & not good enough!
Im scared too - very.....what if Im one of those who dont get there?
My nurse, K told me today that there was a client / patient /woman (whatever) who had this very situation & the embryo hovered for 6 didnt grow but nor did it die....I thanked god that this will be over soon. K is pretty sure I'll bleed within the week. I can feel how emotionally ungrounded & crazy I feel & its only been a few wks - i feel for the woman who had to put up with it for 6 mths. I pray im never there...but praying hasnt really helped me either lately & Im angry at that too!
In an ideal world, in an ideal space - i would accept graciously this is happening to me, you know...this is my path & im exactly where i need to be ................but thats such a hard place to get too......

Dear God, please help me cope with this graciously & spiritually where i come to accept my path & appreciate i need to be here for reasons I may never know.....

And in an attempt to not be soooo dark & down about everything & to be a little balanced - there are a few positive things Im grateful for:

Im grateful I come home each day to A & to the boys - my family
Im grateful for this blog & my new blog friends & support
Im grateful I found the energy on the w'end to start writing my book
Im grateful for my wonderful friends (but at times I wish Id never told them this is happening not feeling like talking abt it at all)
Im grateful I have a new job & no one knows there whats going on so I have a place where I can pretend Im not going thru this
Im grateful A is cooking dinner, Im starving.
Im grateful that in this time of not really pregnant & not trying (no mans land) I can drink alcohol & take sleeping pills

I can smell my dinner....

Saturday, June 24, 2006

The reality of loss

The reality of this loss has arrived. We are absolutely miserable, so low. It is such a cruel process - all the symptoms are still loud, it feels as though the bleeding is still far away. It's a strange phenomenon-if I was a normal pregnant woman who doesn't suffer from recurrent pregnancy loss -I would have done the first test, received a joyful positive result & I'd now believe I was just over 5 wks body would support this feeling & I'd be filled with excitement...& lets say i don't start to bleed for a few weeks still, I would think I'd be pregnant till 7,8,or 9 wks...but i do know that's not the case & while I'm still pregnant, officially its all over.

I wish I would start bleeding already. Not so I can try again but just so I can start letting go of all of this. I know this all wont be gone as soon I bleed but it does help when at least Im no longer pregnant.

A is so miserable too. I wiah I could make him happy. I wish I could keep a pregnancy.

I feel I have no desire to see anyone at all apart from A & the boys (our dogs). Last nite we had dinner out with my dearest cousin B & while i adore him & he is supportive & the nite was lovely....I am finding it easier to stay home & be silent.

It is amazing to me I survived the work week with a bravado of 'all is fine'. Thank god I can just sit with it all over the w'end & not have to perform.

Last nite A gave me a sleeping pill. I hadn't slept at all. I felt like a total physical & emotional wreck. Now that I'm waiting to bleed & no where near trying again I had a few glasses of wine & a sleeping pill. For the first nite in weeks I slept. I still was awake between 3ish & 5ish but thats great for me. We stayed in bed till 11am. I needed it.

We are blessed by the boys. They are joyful all the time, affectionate & loving. Today we headed out for a cliff walk, the four of us, it was a lovely day. Its whale time here. They're heading north to have their calves so we had an incredible show of a beautiful pregnant whale breaching over & over -it was a moment of magic & uplifting energy in the midst of our lowness.

We are afraid of the unknown, of whats to come....will we have to have 8 more miscarriages before we finally hold our child in our arms? Will we ever hold our child in our arms?

After hearing the result on wed, I entered that agonising state of desperation to find out why this is happening. Once again I searched the net day & nite to try & find something that would explain this. It felt awful & I felt so alone. I felt - if I dont get to the bottom of this & find out why it keeps happening - no one else will. Don't get me wrong, A is very supportive but it is not his style to desperately research why this is happening, instead he shows support by being my private, quiet soundboard & support. The dozens of tests we had after our third miscarriage revealed nothing - all was clear. This time my research focused on thyroid auto immune disorders & natural killer cells. Both of these fall under the suite of auto immune disorders & perhaps there's something in this as my beloved mum suffered from an auto immune disease for too long. I spoke to our RE & asked him yet again, had my thyroid been tested. It had & it was normal but i read on some site that 'even with a normal TSH test, there can still be some thyroid auto immune activity that causes recurring pregnancy loss. The pregnancy support unit nurse I'd connected with told me of another RE who specialises in miscarriage & apparently she does more of a thorough work up than our RE. Generally, Im very satisfied with our RE - everyone will tell you he's the best but ofcourse when i heard that theres another dr who does a more thorough work up I wanted to see her for a second opinion. Out of courtesy I called our RE to let him know Id be seeing her. He wasn't at all happy, the conversation was a difficult one & to be honest I didn't appreciate it. I didn't need any extra shit put on me.

As far as the natural killer cells go - apparently the endometrial biopsy will reveal if I have any-ie: if Im attacking my own fetus.

I dont know whats happening but I do know a few things:

1) Apparently after 4 attempted stimulated cycles & not having a healthy pregnancy, the drs at our clinic do say to you your eggs are dodgy & you need to find an egg donor.

2) I believe & know my eggs are fine. Even though I have no substantiated evidence -I instinctively know my eggs are fine. The chinese herbs, my lifestyle & the stimulated cycles have shown me my eggs are good quality.

3) I also believe & know our embryos are fine too. Most of my eggs fertilise & we always have an 'extraordinary' result of embryos reaching day 5 blastocyst stage - which wouldn't be happening if they were dodgy.

4) I can relatively easily achieve a pregnancy. In the last 19 mths we've had 4 pregnancies. They all start fine. They implant well, The first hcg test is better than fine.

5) But then something happens & thats where it all falls apart -the something that is causing our miscarriages happens right then -they've implanted well & then something happens & they die or start to peeter out. Except for the 9 wk one - it happened later that time.

On Wed when our RE was giving me the result & I was demanding to know why-he did intimate that 'at my age, my eggs are probably not the best'.

I was angry & upset. My chinese herbalist had warned me that they do that - if youre not successfully prtegnant after 4 cycles - they cop out of responsibility & blame your eggs. As soon as I heard the begginnings of that - a horrible feeling started to rise within.

I guess thats it for now.

Part of me wishes I had the inner resources to write a book - to really write what this is like. I'd call it 'So many souls' - who knows ...may be I will....

but for now Im laying low, trying to heal & find the strength & energy to carry on.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

More torture, more grief, more pain...

The results came thru at 1pm. My favourite nurse called & in an appreciated honest & no-nonsense approach told me it had dropped to 165. My progesterone had dropped too. This pregnancy was heading to where my 3 others had gone - miscarriage.

I was shocked. How foolish of me to have been secretly excited & hopeful. How stupid of me to have been quietly confident when of course this was going to happen again.

I was at my new job. It was not possible to shut down my computer & head home to A, the dogs & the comfort of our friends at the end of the line. So I had to stay there & try to hold it together.

I'd already started fantasasing.....announcing to everyone the news after a successful transnuchal test, joining a pre natal yoga class & feeling like a normal healthy pregnancy woman, carrying a child well into the summer, birth classes, our sons circumcision or daughters naming ceremony, the speech we'd make there thanking our closest friends who supported us thru this torture.....& i wandered whether we'd been blessed with a boy or a girl. I wandered whether I was going to have the discipline to not find out & be suprised with A.

& now ...those fantasies have receded to no where land & there's the familiar pain, darkness, grief, isolation, fear, panic, despair...... & more grief....& more loss.

& now what ......more of the dreaded same.....but this time with an endometrial biopsy & some 4D ultrasound thrown in......& as usual, these tests I know, will come back clear & we'll be back to this horrid place ive come to know & hate....

I am feeling sorry for myself & I am angry at god...why the fuck is this happening?

Why am I bothering with chinese herbs, organic food, & everything else -is it all rubbish?

I called a supportive friend M, who isnt really a close friend but who has gone thru her own hell & is just lovely & supportive & lately we've seen them a few times & theyve been so understanding. I cant believe what they went thru - over 27 cycles, $300,000 later, they sold their house & 6 yrs later -a beautiful boy & 2 yrs after that, another miracle.....she had many miscarriages & didnt even bother considering it a pregnancy till she got to 7 or 8 wks......she held to her dream & got there & she told me we have to keep going...but right now, today - that feels torturous & the fear & the unknown of whats ahead for us feels even worse. Ironically the times she did keep a healthy pregnancy were the times she'd ditched all the organics, microbiotics, etc & was eating shit & working like a labourer fixing & selling their house.....

& Ive wandered tonite is M right? Should I abandon all these peripherals? or was it the chocolate i ate each day or the fizzy mineral water, was it that i didnt get enough sleep? Who the fuck knows?

When i was stuck at work in my inner torture, I was grateful for A & for my friends...they all sent beautiful sms's or called with love.

I came home, hugged A & cried.....I was grateful for our usual ritual...we took the boys to the park, the four of us were together & at least something felt ok & normal.

& then i began to feed myself shit id resisted for the last few wks - excessive amounts of chocolate, chips, ice cream & to top it off -pizza.....somehow it makes sense.....if I dont have to eat healthy for this growing baby, if its dying or dead, then fuck it!!!! But its also a self hate, angry, punitive expression .

I am angry at my body. It has let me down again. It has deceived me too. Even tonite I have extremely sore was these boobs that made me think were were all fine, all 3 of us......

I do wish we didnt want children as much as we do. I wish we could say 'you know, this aint fun, were not enjoying life, eachother or our world, lets let go of this kid thing, lets have a great life, the two of us with the dogs & forget the family thing'. ....some couples do get to that.

I dont know if that will be us. It feels so far from where we are. We desperately want children. Tonite A & I were talking about a very close friend who sold her house for a huge amount. A said to me...'we'll never be there, dealing with that kinda money'. My response was to instantly reply 'i dont give a shit aboutt that, i dont want that'...and my rsponse was so quick, so sure & direct because the only thing i want is for us to have a family & live in a house with light & love.....that my sound corny & tacky...but that is really all i truly want.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Awaiting test number 3

Its two days later. Time has actually gone quite quickly with the new job keeping me busy. I have no idea what the result will be tomorrow but i do know it seems my symptoms have persisted & aren't lessening. My boobs have been considerably sore & tender.There's activity in my uterus. Occasionally i get crampy feelings & I havent started bleeding. I know these symptoms arent reliable but theyre all ive got to go on so im watchful of every body sensation.

We've (stupidly) started feeling quietly confident......i can were in for a rude, cruel & distressing shock if it doesn't go well.

The sleeping isn't great but i guess thats expected given the current anxiety ...

Im fantasising about the day when we know we're pregnant & we know it is fine & safe & all will be ok.....does that day ever come?

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Surviving this torture, well kinda....

Somehow Ive survived another day. My symptoms werent particularly significant yesterday but today they're see what i'm doing.....its crazy....its a moment by moment assessment of the situation by a grab & a poke of each boob.

How does anyone sleep thru this torture? At least today we had nothing official to do. A is still recovering from his op & the boys needed exercise so we camped outside all arvo by the cliff - lovely but freezing. Ordinarily i would have enjoyed a good hours walk with them but im a little paranoid after the clinic nurse told me to take it very easy.....would it make a difference? i have no idea...western medicine says it doesnt, my chinese herbalist says it certainly does & rest is best at this i took her advice & was a lazy slob most of the w'end.

Last nite i was researching hcg's or more specifically clow rising hcg's - apparently 85% women do not double their hcg within two days but three days so im hoping this means we are or will be ok. This arvo i was telling A my findings & we were speculating wed's results & strangely we both have a feeling it may be all right but our scared to say that & also our history indicates the opposite but surely at some point we can be freed from this traumatic fertility history & have a healthy pregnancy.

Suddenly while discussing our situation, i realised something i should have realised days ago. Here i was hanging out till wed for the 'ok' & then naively believed i'd know it was viable & we'd be ok.....& then i realised, but i mean really realised, that even if we get 'the ok' from our RE on wed.....that 'ok' will last for that day only.

Till we get to the transnuchal & get the all clear & even after going to be anxious & tentative about this. In a way i feel as tho' ive been robbed of the excitement & joy one is meant to feel when one is pregnant. For us this time it is scary & anxiety provoking & it is such a hard & intense combinations of feelings to carry.

But at least we had a nice day. A was photographing the eagles above. I was watching the boys play & for a few moments throughout the afternoon we didnt think of hcgs or of our baby or of clexane.....

And tomorrow i return to the new job & will be kept busy. Ofcourse this will be on my mind constantly but at the new job no one knows our fertility history, no one knows whats going on now & i can at least pretend none of this is going on.

In the meantime i am grateful for A, the boys, my close friends who are supporting me thru each step of this process & this blog which by the way is finally connected to the world of blogs & of course im also grateful for our 4 wk & 2 day pregnancy......tho' its only small & young & still so is already in my psyche in such a consuming way.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Why is this so hard?

This is totally torturous. All week i was doing hpts -all were negative, i was feeling low & depressed but was quickly trying to move thru it - i was wishing my working week would be here as i was starting a new job & i was desperate for the distraction. Then wed nite, all nite i couldnt sleep, A was in hospital overnite for a monor op, i got up at 4.30, did a hpt & it was positive - it was a strong positive - out of nowhere....i was blown away & secretly thrilled. The next am i went early to the clinic for a blood test, it was a day earlier than scheduled but thats ok, i then raced over to the hospital to suprise A with the test.....this time i knew they'd ring with a postive beta & it was 139!!!!

We knew not to be excited. weve been here before. But i still prayed....this time its different, ive left a soulless depressing job which surely would have affected my spirit & core, im taking torturous clexane injections each nite .....surely this time we'd be allright.

I was holding out till this am, another 48hrs for a repeat beta. Yesterday tho' all my symptoms screamed positive things -as the day progressed i had such sore boobs, they hardened & bnecame so sore that by nite they were unbearably sore, my bloat was well & truly pertruding....all were looking reassuring.

This am my boobs werent so sore but i still thought it might be ok, theyre never as tender in the mornings i recalled from previous pregnancies. And i waited for the nurse to call. Our RE called early - instantly i thought...not a good sign....its 230 he said. It hasnt doubled, its increased by 65%. Our RE tried to reassure me ....that it doesnt always double every 48 hrs but every 48 - 72 hrs......he said he didnt want me to come back for another test till thurs.....that way, that would allow enough time to have a clear indication whether it was viable for now......i pushed for wed. he agreed.

& the hope & the secret moments of fantasy & joy i'd enjoyed started to recede again......somehow i knew where this was going....

the nurse from the clinic called.....she said it can still go either way, my estrogen & progesterone are increasing so she said it still looks like my body is supporting a pregnancy.....

i took the dogs to the park & suddenly that huge wave of exhaustion that i recognised was here with me, i was about to crash -so tired. i came home & went to bed.

im counting on my symptoms now to tell me whats going on as i'll have no further info till wed & so far the picture isnt great, my boobs are still tender but nothing like i figure its on its way down, it probably had doubled & is heading towards zero yet again......

why is this so hard for us? why is every step of this process so torturous?

thats 4 pregnancies now & 3 down & it looks as tho it'll be four in a day or two.

the longest ive gone is 9 wks but it had died at 8 wks.....this time we probably wont even get to 5 wks.

why didnt the clexane work?

Its all too hard. Ofcourse Im still praying & hoping all will be ok wed but its too painful to hope only, i have to prepare me for another loss & that way it'll somehow be a tiny bit more palatable.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

The torturous mindfuck

This is unbearable. After the pregnyl i had so many symptoms & it feels as tho' theyre slowly diminishing & if i were pregnant im assuming they'd be intensifying but i know anything can happen so this is one huge torturous mindfuck. I did a hpt this am but its a stupid test that doesnt tell me how many units of hcg it picks up so i have no way of knowing whether its too early etc...there was nothing & then a very faint (i mean very) line came up, i think even past the time allocated? i bet ive had my usual - an implantation but no progress....

i wish i were distracted but im afraid this time since my herbalists declaration im yet again obsessed....& the day i saw her (fri) i too felt it was possible, i felt my pulse racing, i was hugely bloated etc but it all seems to be fading fast....

the frustration tho' is changing to despondency!

i really hate this process & i pray for the day im free from all of this

in the m'time im stuck with it!

Saturday, June 10, 2006


I wish she wouldn't have said that. How could she say i was pregnant with such confidence? Didn't she know that would do my head in...i was i think travelling with this quite well...ofcourse there was possibility, but as far as possible i was feeling calm, not obsessed, thinking of other things, etc & then it fell away so quickly.....& now im back to reading every minute body sensation, staring at my boobs to look for changes & not at all relaxed about simply annoyed!

its only day 22 so this will be a long week.....


Friday, June 09, 2006

A fast slippery pulse

No sleep....i was awake alot, it felt strange, normally when i've slept badly all nite, its the mornings when i collapse ino heavy sleep, but not today, i wandered could i be? but chose to put it down to the excitement & stresses of life right now, new job etc....

I headed to my chinese acupuncturist & i felt like i was racing, almost palpitations. i had the needles in for a good 30mins but couldnt really sleep, i lay there, praying, visualisations, trying to be meditative....then she felt my pulse & with confidence said they were fast & slippery & i was probably pregnant. She even congratulated me - what the???

After the shit ive experienced i didnt really want to hear her being so confident not unless she could guarantee me all would be all right & of course she couldnt but she did say that last time when i was pregnant, she hadnt felt my pulse so strong & fast so this time it was good.....

Instantly the stress levels rose, i was intending to do some running around this arvo, retail thero etc & suddenly all i wanted was to head home, rest.....but i couldn't..... i had to head to a hideously boring surburban department store to buy knickers & would you believe panty liners since now i seem to be leaking progesterone pessary - nice hhmmm

So here i am in that mode where i wait & wait & i pray....& create distractions....

Thursday, June 08, 2006

A good distraction

Today was a great day, a day i've visualised & thought about for a long time. It was the last day of a job that has been soul destroying, that i've wanted to leave for soooo long & today i did. I finalised the last few things, sent away the last report, the last email, threw away the last documents, had a very enjoyable lunch with a lovely group of people who ordinarily wouldnt have come together but who were friendly faces for me throughout my arduous time there. Then i drove thru that boom gate car park for the last was satisfying. I felt the burden lift, the shackles fall & i felt lighter all round.

What an era & now its over. I went to this organisation in april '02 & 7 mths later mum served its purpose then as it was a job i could do very little in & still get by & for a good 20 or so mths after mum died i wasnt capable of producing miracles. i was getting away with the minimum but over time that environment wasnt good for me & i started to creatively dry up. i didnt feel valued there. i had become professionally impotent - it was awful.

I chose to stay for the wrong reasons.....we were about to have a baby or so i thought, i needed the good pay for maternity leave etc.....i was desperate for our baby to arrive as he/she became my escape route out of there...well for at least 8 or so mths....but that plan didnt happen as so many plans dont & finally with the encouragement of A i decided to happiness, satisfaction & sanity were worth too much.

It took me a long time to make that decision & go but i finally made it & wow - it felt good today.

im excited for the new, the unknown, for feeling stimulated, valuable, needed again....

it'll be good.

& you know what else? my escape was a good distraction today.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Crazy times....

Nine days to go & counting! This two - week wait or rather 11 day wait is quite awful. Whats worse is the clexane injections each nite. It hurts, it stings. I hate having to do it! The last two nites i've been reduced to tears & feeling very sorry for me. Till now each injection, each drug, each procedure i've weathered & to be honest quite well i think but this clexane is the pits....its fundamentally wrong to expect women trying to have a baby to endure torture....its like ...'theyre desperate, they'll try & take anything so it's fine'..well its not fine at all...why cant they find a happy replacement, one which doesnt result in tears.....

Ths time tho' im feeling a little better. I remember the two week wait back in nov after my first stimulated cycle....i was a mess..this time around i kno what to expect, i know now that the pregnyl drug makes my boobs sore & my nipples tender so i kno not to read these signs as symptoms of a pregnancy when they are evil toxic side effects aimed to fuck with my mind & body.

Leaving my old toxic, soul destroying job is great. Starting a new job is even greater so hopefully these two distractions will free me from the 24 hr obsession i've endured.

Next week, the day after my new job startes A goes into hospital for surgery & then for 10 days he'll be bedridden or at least houseridden & definitely not on his a little daunted of this job, real working hours, looking after A, the house, the dogs with no assistance....then for the next 6 or so weeks he'll be pretty aint going to be easy doing everything when i might be pregnant & tired as well....

It seems as tho we're never just cruising, we're always stressed & challenged with something, our fertility,ivf, our jobs, & now A's surgery & recovery....i suppose i should be grateful too - its not serious surgery, he's just been made permanent at his job, im starting a new job so maybe i should be counting my blessings but somehow...its hard....

I'll tell you what....I'll make a deal with you....when i get pregant with our B1 & B2 (notice the when, not if), carry them till 12 wks, birth healthy babies -i'll count my blessings for the rest of my life!

Monday, June 05, 2006

Things we do....

Today was the day, embryo transfer day, blastocyst day 5 day. It was pouring relentlessly. A had only 3 hours sleep since he was on an emergency shift. I had less than that because, well just because & there we were slurping porridge while driving thru traffic to get to the pre transfer acupuncture session. There were 6 people in her clinic but when youre on embryo transfer day, you become a VIP. Straight upstairs & 40 mins of acupuncture to relax my uterus.

Back in traffic heading to the clinic & there i was again in surgical gear awaiting the scientist. So the final day 5 report looked like this "2 great blasto's already expanding applying pressure to the zona, 4 great looking blastos ready to freeze & 2 more still doing their thing so we need to ring on wed to see if they got far 6 grade 1 blastos from the 12 fertilised"

I was disappointed. I thought we'd get 8 or 10. I wished A hadn't consumed the caffeine..but then our RE visited. His first words were 'youre a star performer'.....he explained this was way better than average & i should be pleased so perhaps my expectations were not realistic.....familiar story in my life!

We saw our blastos on the screen, to me they didnt look like babies in the making. i couldnt delineate their masses that become the placenta & baby....but i trusted they looked great.

Then after some fiddling as my uterus is a little retro (apparently) they were there together swishing around.
RE showed us the air bubble that follows them & we were done.

This time im doing an extra injection each night to hopefully avoid guarantees but hope.

It hurt, it stung, i felt sorry for me but then of course i knew if this is what it'll take extra injection each nite that stings - bring it on!

Then we were back at the acupuncturist, for more treatment - this time to hold the embryii in place. i slept. it was peaceful. Downstairs i collected more herbs -this time 'H' herbs to hold the embryii, deer antler, royal jelly, granules & $300 later -we were heading home via the organic butcher for a few bags of protein, also good for developing dividing embryii.

My chinese herbalist advised i do nothing for a wk. she directed A to do everything, me to take a wk off work & to lie around like a sloth.....that aint quite possible but i did manage to lie on the counch from 4 till 10.30, chat to my lovely friends & support group & watch serious shit on tele...things we do for developig embryii!!!!

& now the dreaded two week wait commences....but this time with a twist. i start my new job next tues. this wk i'll only go in for 2 half days & i will try hard to remain calm. This time i kno what to expect. I kno already my boobs hurt & my nipples are tender & im bloated from the drugs so hopefully i wont perceive these signs as pregnancy but i also kno as these 2 weeks unfold, it is hard to stay sane, calm, rationale etc

& will i go down the home pregnancy test torture trail?

Who knows?

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Dividing & Thriving....

Today was A's nephews barmitzvah, a lot of people, a coming of age for J, A's nephew, many relos, rituals, prayers, food - the works.....but i was distracted. I realised there is always a distraction for me now. Today it was waiting for the nurse to call me with the day 3 progress report of our embryos.

The results are very good, unusually good - & i wasn't shocked. This was consistent with what i now know of my egg quality. We have 2 well ahead of their time, they're already compacted morulas (a good day ahead in their development), a further 8, spot on with their development & looking good & another 2 laggers...not quite the required 8 cells but still looking good.....So all 12 are still doing their dividing thing, thriving along.

Nurse K (who is just lovely) warned me they might not all make it to day 5 - blastocyst stage, she said a few may drop off. Even if a few drop off - we'll still be left with 10 - an exceptional result yet again.

But in a way, all these amazing results don't mean anything unless they implant, decide to stay & survive the obstacles that the others sadly haven't. It's easy to be lulled into hopefulness & positivity, when in actual fact - this alone doesn't amount to a healthy pregnancy & a baby.

But it is still good news & far better than at this stage not having any robust embryos that look like theyre going to make it to blasto stage.....

Lets just hope they keep it up a little more than 5 days of about 9 mths???

Thursday, June 01, 2006

My Great Eggs!

The report this morning went something like this:

"Hi i know they told you they'd retrieved 14 eggs but actually he (RE) retrieved 13 eggs & something else. He's not too sure what it was but it wasn't an egg. Of the 13 eggs retrieved, 12 have fertilised with A's sperm -thats an excellent result."

I was pleased. I was proud of my eggs. Despite this whole process being traumatic i did identify a positive .....somehow, tho' i once feared & panicked about my egg numbers or quality...& felt dread at perhaps one day having to find an egg donor.....i now had an intuitive sense, an inner knowing that my eggs are good quality, great quality!!!! I now kno' the reason we've miscarried has nothing to do with my egg quality. Dont ask me why i know this with such certainty but i do!!!!!

Yesterday our RE warned me not to expect the same ratio of embryos reaching day 5 (blastocyst)...he said that was 'unusual & exceptional'.

I know a similar wild number will reach blastocyst & it will be a testimony to the wonderful quality of my very own eggs!!!

If only id know with such certainty we were going to get pregnant, not miscarry & have our beautiful children...

& one more thing.....what was that strange unknown entity he retrieved from my uterus if it wasn't an egg?