Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Our perfect and precious little baby girl

I called our RE to get the results of the karyotype test. It was 9am. I was about to have an acupuncture appointment. I was feeling quite contained & had prepared myself to hear that it was a chromosomally normal embryo. And it was. His words were "the embryo was chromosomally normal". I asked for reasons, explanations ...then....why.....how come? He said he had no explanations. He said that he understood if we wanted to give up but felt we shouldn't at this stage. He has seen many couples lose chromosomally normal embryos for no explained reason & still carry to term. I told him we would not yet give up. He said he expected I would get my periods around the 10th Nov & on Day 1 I should call the nurses to start another cycle but in fact i wouldn't do another stimulated cycle till Dec......I was not teary, I was holding it together. I hung up the phone & walked across the road for my acupuncture appointment (with J, not L for old readers).

As I walked inside J's doors, I realised, he hadn't told me whether it was a boy or a girl. I called him back.....a part of me was unsure "do i really want / need to know this?" but I have always had a burning desire to know all.....if the information was available to know, then I had to have it...it was after all about our baby...why shouldn't I have the info......everyone had thought our baby had been a boy......and then he said...

"it was a girl"

I fell to pieces. I was not prepared to hear she had been my baby girl I had fantasised & dreamt about my whole life.

I had walked up the stairs & now was in J's clinic room sobbing loudly. I hung up. All I could do was sob into my hands. J hugged me.

A perfectly healthy baby girl.

She had been my fantasy. Suddenly she was real, she had identity & person. Instantly I could picture a little girl walking around my legs, I could picture holding our baby girl. All of a sudden - our chromosomally normal embryo turned into a little girl - our precious perfect baby girl.

It was the saddest day.

This was the first miscarriage we have had that we have discovered its gender & chromosomal make up.

I had the appointment with J - she was great. Together we discussed a possible plan forward....I wont go into this now....

I wanted to speak to A....I finally got to tell A close to midday.

A was devastated. He suggested we have some kind of ritual for her.

The sonographer had given us a photo of her before she died in utero & I still had the positive pregnancy test from weeks ago.

Earlier this year we buried our beloved very old, beautiful & special dog, S in a magical spot in our dog park. She over looks the cliffs & oceans & we planted natives around her. The plants suround & protect her. She is covered with a lovely slab of sandstone. A beautiful friend carved her name out of the stone & it has become a serene & tranquil spot that we visit almost each day. I suggested to bury her photo & pregnancy test right next to S...so we can honour & visit her there too.

I feel as though I've had a baby girl but then, ever so suddenly she was taken away.

I have no idea how couples cope who have a stillbirth but I have only compassion & awe for them. Our loss, I acknowledge doesnt come even close to losing a child after 9 mths but i did catch today a glimpse of having a real baby, not just an embryo & then losing her.

We are shattered.

My heart feels so heavy.

J said my heart pulse was empty. I asked her what this meant - & in such a matter of fact tone she responded 'youre shattered'. And I am, I definitely am.


Blogger serenity said...

Oh sweetie. I am so so sorry.

9:56 PM  
Blogger Tina said...

I am so sorry... *hugs*

In my last m/c in March, we went through this same thing - this was the only m/c where a gender could be determined and when I was told it was a healthy girl too, it felt I was losing that baby all over again.

Wishing you peace now that you know... It does help to begin to heal knowing you have more of an identity to the baby you lost.

11:12 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

Oh, honey, I just don't even know what to say. Sorry doesn't seem deep enough. Many {{HUGS}} to you.

11:46 PM  
Anonymous Kath said...

Dear Womb, I am so very sorry. I remember how I felt when I got that result last year, and it was awful, awful. And then, after much suffering, I found out that they could not guarantee that they hadn't tested my tissue by mistake. (I made them look at my karyotype and the embryo's karyotype side by side, and they were pretty much identical) Apparently it happens all the time -- it is so hard to separate maternal and fetal tissue after a D&C, and the maternal tissue proliferates during culturing. And almost no doctor will warn the patients that the result may be inconclusive when it's a chromosomally normal female. I think that's cruel.

I'm so very sorry, my dear.

7:21 PM  
Blogger Hope548 said...

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine the kind of pain you are going through. I wish you peace and comfort.

12:30 AM  
Blogger Sunny said...

I am so sorry. HUGS!

12:44 PM  
Anonymous Meri-ann said...

I've just caught up on your archives, and I'm so very, very sorry....

7:40 PM  
Blogger theoneliner said...

good grief i'm angry at the universe for you today.
i'm sorry you had to have the conversation. i'm glad you cried. its horrible and you need to feel it.

thalia posted on m blog after the m/c that i should let myself be sad. i did that...and i think its helped.

nothing about this whole ordeal is fair...and that conversation was just the icing on a cruel cake.

lots of love to you.

3:12 AM  
Anonymous Nikole said...

I'm sorry I've been away so long. I have been thinking of you so much, and I am sending you strength and courage to face each day. I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter.

3:56 AM  
Blogger Hope548 said...

I hope you are doing ok. I have been thinking about you and checking in every so often. Funny how you think about people you don't even know. Take care!

8:58 AM  
Blogger Thalia said...

I, too, remember how bloody awful I felt - again - when I got the news about our karyotype. I'm very sorry for your loss.

3:39 AM  
Blogger Amber said...

Hey there. I just wanted to see how your were doing. I've been thinking about you. Hugs to you girl.

5:45 AM  
Anonymous mae said...

It must be such a terrible time for you. I can only offer to be here for you; read your posts and send my prayers in times when words are just not enough.

Many, many hugs!

8:09 AM  
Blogger Beagle said...

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

5:52 AM  
Anonymous Kath said...

Dear Womb, I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and wondering how you're bearing up.

7:55 PM  
Anonymous Nina said...

I just got here for the first time...somehow....and read your sad sad story about the loss of your baby girl. I just wanted to say that I am so sorry and that you yet appear to be a very storng person!

6:48 AM  
Blogger running wildly said...

Dear Womb,
Thinking of you and praying for you often. You haven't posted for a while.....know you are missed....but if you are taking time to heal know that you are fully supported by us, your blogland friends.

4:25 PM  
Blogger Sunny said...

You are on my heart.

11:03 PM  
Blogger Alice said...

I am so sorry.

9:25 AM  
Blogger Ersza said...

I'm visiting for the first time, but wanted to say I am very sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage two years ago. My baby made it to 9 weeks. It is a very hard loss. There are a couple of things you should know. One is that "chromosomally normal female" is a very ambiguous result--the tissue tested could actually have been yours. That said, it doesn't mean that every time it comes up normal female that it's the mother. The other thing is that just because the karyotype is normal, does not mean the baby is normal. Karyotyping is like opening a carton of eggs. Without touching the eggs, you can verify that there are 12 eggs in the box. What you do not know is whether those eggs have small cracks in them (though you would certainly see if they were smashed to bits). The human genome has 20,000 genes. There are probably hundreds, possibly thousands, of genetic mistakes that could be lethal that would be completely invisible to a karyotype. The truth is that even though your karyotype came up normal, the most likely explanation for your miscarriage is genetic. I don't know if this helps or not. I tend to think that knowledge is power. I wish you peace and that you will never suffer such a loss again, and that you will become a mother soon.

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