Reality has set in

Reality has now set in. As with my last D&C, it wasn't till the procedure was over that emotionally I could start processing the reality of losing this baby. We had such high hopes for this pregnancy, for this baby. We are bereft, devastated, shattered, angry, despairing.....

The D&C was a little easier than last time. It was performed by our RE who i trust. It was at our clinic that i (unfortunately) felt comfortable in, the nurses (sadly) knew me & were lovely. I was teary & frightened. I hate the idea of general anaesthetics, I've always been afraid of them. I was sitting in the anaestetic lab getting a cannula put in to my left hand (very sore), I was given a shot of medazalam & that is all i remember.....quite disconcerting actually. With my last D&C, I didnt receive my G.A till i was in theatre, there was something real about it, i was in theatre. This time i wasn't even in theatre & then i was in recovery. I was sore & crampy. Afterwards, as i came to, i was very distressed & crying alot.....it was real, it was over, our baby was gone, why us?, why was this happening again? why are we being so tortured? what have we done to deserve this?

We came home & i collapsed into bed but hardly slept. During the afternoon, flowers were delivered from supportive friends. The flowers were lovely & colourful but everywhere else was just darkness all over again.

There is a huge void & emptiness. A huge sorrow that has opened up again. It had been temporarily filled with the hope of this pregnancy, the possibility that maybe this would be our time but no, for some cruel, unknown reason - this isnt our time......but im begginning to lose faith & hope that we will ever get there......whats begginning to be is a reality that we will continue to miscarry, that we will only ever miscarry.....

And in some sick, disturbing reality - we are used to this trauma, sorrow & pain.....we know what to do.....we know what happens...we know we shut down from the world, we burrow down in our safe bomb shelter, we hide from the world around us, see the very few we allow in, .....

A's parents have visited. They are upset & trying to be supportive but their style of support we find unhelpful. I am fond of them & appreciate their support but they keep telling me getting depressed will not be helpful. Yesterday I swallowed it. Today i told A i couldnt face hearing that again. I believe that after 5 miscarriages in 2 yrs, it is perfectly legitimate & justified to be depressed, it would be abnormal in fact not to be. Today they wanted to visit again but A told them they were not allowed to give unhelpful advice. They didnt visit.

I didnt want to get out of bed today.....it was awful to face the reality the day after.....the mornings are difficult as the reality of loss & pain is so stark, the night times are hard too as the darkness of inside is everywhere.

I am praying i do not experience the torture i experienced last d&c. Last time, after a few calm days, I started to endure the most physical pain I had ever felt - sheer torture for 10 days, the blleding was horrific as well. This time Im praying it does not happen again. So far yesterday i bled quite a lot but today not at all. I am a bit crampy today but very mild & tolerable.

Our RE called to see how I was today - i know it was just a courtesy call but still - i appreciated it.

So that is our current reality.....Our RE said half the material would be sent to pathology, half to genetics & in 3 wks we would get the results......What was our baby is now called 'material'

So we wait again.....more waiting.....

After the first or second miscarriage, I had never imagined the possibility of 5, so now I am trying to face the unknown with exactly that - more unknown.....i have no idea whats ahead for us.....will we have another 5 or more miscarriages? will we give up? will we ever get there?

I have no idea.

I do want to thank you all for your comments of support & sympathy. I feel supported to know that there are two worlds of support for us, the world we know of our friends & family & our blog world of people we've never met but which we share our inner world with - thanx to you xx