Saturday, October 07, 2006

Reality has set in

Reality has now set in. As with my last D&C, it wasn't till the procedure was over that emotionally I could start processing the reality of losing this baby. We had such high hopes for this pregnancy, for this baby. We are bereft, devastated, shattered, angry, despairing.....

The D&C was a little easier than last time. It was performed by our RE who i trust. It was at our clinic that i (unfortunately) felt comfortable in, the nurses (sadly) knew me & were lovely. I was teary & frightened. I hate the idea of general anaesthetics, I've always been afraid of them. I was sitting in the anaestetic lab getting a cannula put in to my left hand (very sore), I was given a shot of medazalam & that is all i remember.....quite disconcerting actually. With my last D&C, I didnt receive my G.A till i was in theatre, there was something real about it, i was in theatre. This time i wasn't even in theatre & then i was in recovery. I was sore & crampy. Afterwards, as i came to, i was very distressed & crying was real, it was over, our baby was gone, why us?, why was this happening again? why are we being so tortured? what have we done to deserve this?

We came home & i collapsed into bed but hardly slept. During the afternoon, flowers were delivered from supportive friends. The flowers were lovely & colourful but everywhere else was just darkness all over again.

There is a huge void & emptiness. A huge sorrow that has opened up again. It had been temporarily filled with the hope of this pregnancy, the possibility that maybe this would be our time but no, for some cruel, unknown reason - this isnt our time......but im begginning to lose faith & hope that we will ever get there......whats begginning to be is a reality that we will continue to miscarry, that we will only ever miscarry.....

And in some sick, disturbing reality - we are used to this trauma, sorrow & pain.....we know what to do.....we know what happens...we know we shut down from the world, we burrow down in our safe bomb shelter, we hide from the world around us, see the very few we allow in, .....

A's parents have visited. They are upset & trying to be supportive but their style of support we find unhelpful. I am fond of them & appreciate their support but they keep telling me getting depressed will not be helpful. Yesterday I swallowed it. Today i told A i couldnt face hearing that again. I believe that after 5 miscarriages in 2 yrs, it is perfectly legitimate & justified to be depressed, it would be abnormal in fact not to be. Today they wanted to visit again but A told them they were not allowed to give unhelpful advice. They didnt visit.

I didnt want to get out of bed was awful to face the reality the day after.....the mornings are difficult as the reality of loss & pain is so stark, the night times are hard too as the darkness of inside is everywhere.

I am praying i do not experience the torture i experienced last d&c. Last time, after a few calm days, I started to endure the most physical pain I had ever felt - sheer torture for 10 days, the blleding was horrific as well. This time Im praying it does not happen again. So far yesterday i bled quite a lot but today not at all. I am a bit crampy today but very mild & tolerable.

Our RE called to see how I was today - i know it was just a courtesy call but still - i appreciated it.

So that is our current reality.....Our RE said half the material would be sent to pathology, half to genetics & in 3 wks we would get the results......What was our baby is now called 'material'

So we wait again.....more waiting.....

After the first or second miscarriage, I had never imagined the possibility of 5, so now I am trying to face the unknown with exactly that - more unknown.....i have no idea whats ahead for us.....will we have another 5 or more miscarriages? will we give up? will we ever get there?

I have no idea.

I do want to thank you all for your comments of support & sympathy. I feel supported to know that there are two worlds of support for us, the world we know of our friends & family & our blog world of people we've never met but which we share our inner world with - thanx to you xx


Blogger theoneliner said...

i wish i had answers. i think 5 is enough. too many. i think 1 was too many. i think no one deserves this. i think you, specifically, do not deserve this.

you remain in my thoughts.

10:47 PM  
Blogger Thalia said...

I'm so sorry that this is happening - has happened - to you again. It is just unspeakably awful and unfair, and just plain wrong. I hope you get by without so much physical pain this time.

3:26 AM  
Blogger Sunny said...

HUGS! Do what you have to do to survive. Don't let anyone tell you any differently. HUGS again!

9:44 AM  
Blogger Emily said...


6:10 PM  
Anonymous Nikole said...

I'm so, so sorry to hear this devestating news. I am angry at the world--angry that loss has become so much a part of your life, angry that there are no good answers, angry that a dear friend has to be in such immense pain again when she was supposed to be joyous and celebrating. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

3:36 AM  
Anonymous Rich said...

I am so sorry. What an awful thing to go through again. Hugs

6:29 AM  
Anonymous mae said...

Hugs to you! I'm without words. I wish I could help. Will continue to have you in my thoughts and prayers.

7:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've just found your blog, I am SO SO SO SO sorry for you. You must be in agony at the moment, this is your fifth? Did you get any answers from the other losses? Sorry to ask, but it is shocking so many, but from my countless meetings with geneticists it's usually a chromosomal issue, especially early losses, I know it doesn’t help to think that, but for me it made some sense for it all. I'm chocked for you, I wish I could say something to make it better!


9:33 PM  
Anonymous Sky said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. How many miscarriages is enough? I don't know. I've had three and am going for pregnancy no. 4 at the moment and I've decided that as I've dealt with 3 losses, I can deal with another 3. This is what I feel today, but I know that I may change my mind. I saw a TV programme on recurrent miscarriage and there was one woman who had had 11 miscarriages. For me that would be too many. Only you can decide how many would be too many. Take care of yourself

11:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you and I think you are stronger than I could ever hope to be.

4:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you and I think you are stronger than I could ever hope to be.

4:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you and I think you are stronger than I could ever hope to be.

4:11 AM  
Blogger Tina said...

Reading your post has certainly brought back the feelings I had after my last miscarriage... I am so sorry that you have to be here again.

Will be thinking of you...and praying you find, someday, a way to heal from this.

12:05 AM  
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