Tuesday, October 10, 2006

HOW CAN THIS BE?????????????????????????

Somehow I managed to return to work on Monday. It was so hard for both of us to return to a supposed reality & function. I didnt have a choice. At work we are commisioning a new facility now & loads of new staff are commencing next week & it was my gig to run the orientation week - i had no choice. Reality is hell.

The weekend we huddled together in our 'bomb shelter'. When we were close & safe from the emotional warfare somehow we protected eachother. Most of Sun we stayed in bed, cuddling, sleeping, etc. We wanted to hide from the world for as long as we could.

I have had bouts of distress, tears, etc but for the most part, just heaviness, darkness, despair.

When the tears do come though...they come with an energy & force. They are angry tears, desperate tears, panicked tears - at that time, my world feels unbearable, if the tears could speak...they would be screaming....

how will i survive? how will i cope? we will ever find happiness? we isnt the world protesting? why arent the drs & herbalists & everyone trying harder? why is this allowed to happen over & over?, why isnt this on the news? it is a world tragedy isnt it? surely it is? this wound is killing me....

This trauma & wound feels so un-real, so wrong, so unbelievable - its as if....a friend of mine could be telling me they knew someone who had endured 5 miscarriages - i would be overwhelmed with pain for that person, stunned at the cruelty & unfairness & tragedy of it, in awe of their survival - & then i realise that is me - i am that person - this nightmare is happening to us.....HOW CAN THIS BE???????????

I dont know how we will survive this.

And then every time when i feel the hysteria build inside of me, there is a voice warning me: you dont know whats ahead - what if you are to have another 5 or 10 miscarriages or never carry to term? - you cant fall apart now - this might be a picnic compared what you still have to go thru.....& then somehow I brace myself for this nightmare to go on....

dear god - i have prayed so hard to you for 2 yrs now, even longer & you arent listening but if there is any part of you that is hearing me - please god - help us - i need help, we need help - im surrendering to not being able to cope here & needing your intervention.....please help

9 Comments:

Blogger serenity said...

I wish I had the words to take away all the anxiety and the fear and the pain... I am so very sorry.

I am thinking of you and wishing you peace and healing.

Love to you.

10:58 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

Oh, honey! I feel every single ounce of your pain! Your tears - those panicked and forceful tears - were mine not so long ago. It's so hard. And you never get over it...you get through it. As another person truding along in the wake of, yet, another miscarriage, please know that I'm thinking of you!

12:51 AM  
Anonymous Jill said...

I am so very sorry and sad that you lost your baby...again. I can relate to the heartbreak, the grief, that desperate and hopeless feeling; it's so hard. I wish with all my heart that you could have been spared from going through another miscarriage.

How are you feeling physically? I hope that you are not having much pain or bleeding and that the healing from the D&C is going smoothly.

I hope that there is comfort in knowing that you're not alone in this and that there are other women who understand because they have been through it. You and your husband are in my prayers.

12:57 AM  
Blogger Emily said...

Oh, I know those tears too, the burning hot, searing ones that erupt out of you with so much force, so much energy that you are helpless to stop them.

From what you say, you have to be at work just now, but if you can sometime in the coming weeks, take a few days off and look after yourselves. Go away somewhere for a few days and escape from your reality. Be kind to each other, and ensure the foundations of yourselves are strong.

Take care xx

9:19 AM  
Blogger Sunny said...

I prayed for you this morning. I will continue to pray. HUGS!

11:55 AM  
Blogger the_road_less_travelled said...

I can only send my thoughts and prayers to you. I'm not really religious, but I think God listens, and I hope he answers your prayers.

10:32 PM  
Blogger Tina said...

I am so sorry you have to feel the way you do... Returning to some form of "reality" is hard - and it sucks you have to even do it in the first place.

Will be thinking of you...

12:08 AM  
Anonymous shazz said...

Going back to work is the hardest step I found, but honestly we don't forget but it becomes easier with time.
Am sending alot of strength your way.

11:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I cried when I read your post. I know this will do absolutely nothing to make the pain go away, but I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through. I can't imagine. Just know that there are people in the world praying for you.

11:59 AM  

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