Sunday, June 18, 2006

Surviving this torture, well kinda....

Somehow Ive survived another day. My symptoms werent particularly significant yesterday but today they're louder....you see what i'm doing.....its crazy....its a moment by moment assessment of the situation by a grab & a poke of each boob.

How does anyone sleep thru this torture? At least today we had nothing official to do. A is still recovering from his op & the boys needed exercise so we camped outside all arvo by the cliff - lovely but freezing. Ordinarily i would have enjoyed a good hours walk with them but im a little paranoid after the clinic nurse told me to take it very easy.....would it make a difference? i have no idea...western medicine says it doesnt, my chinese herbalist says it certainly does & rest is best at this stage....so i took her advice & was a lazy slob most of the w'end.

Last nite i was researching hcg's or more specifically clow rising hcg's - apparently 85% women do not double their hcg within two days but three days so im hoping this means we are or will be ok. This arvo i was telling A my findings & we were speculating wed's results & strangely we both have a feeling it may be all right but our scared to say that & also our history indicates the opposite but surely at some point we can be freed from this traumatic fertility history & have a healthy pregnancy.

Suddenly while discussing our situation, i realised something i should have realised days ago. Here i was hanging out till wed for the 'ok' & then naively believed i'd know it was viable & we'd be ok.....& then i realised, but i mean really realised, that even if we get 'the ok' from our RE on wed.....that 'ok' will last for that day only.

Till we get to the transnuchal & get the all clear & even after that....im going to be anxious & tentative about this. In a way i feel as tho' ive been robbed of the excitement & joy one is meant to feel when one is pregnant. For us this time it is scary & anxiety provoking & it is such a hard & intense combinations of feelings to carry.

But at least we had a nice day. A was photographing the eagles above. I was watching the boys play & for a few moments throughout the afternoon we didnt think of hcgs or of our baby or of clexane.....

And tomorrow i return to the new job & will be kept busy. Ofcourse this will be on my mind constantly but at the new job no one knows our fertility history, no one knows whats going on now & i can at least pretend none of this is going on.

In the meantime i am grateful for A, the boys, my close friends who are supporting me thru each step of this process & this blog which by the way is finally connected to the world of blogs & of course im also grateful for our 4 wk & 2 day pregnancy......tho' its only small & young & still so unsafe.....it is already in my psyche in such a consuming way.

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