A dark cloud
Its been over a week since we lost our baby & as expected im depressed, teary, low, heavy hearted & pretty miserable. Work is extremely demanding at the moment so somehow i hold it together but return home to decompensate. There isnt much crying going on, just heavy darkness accompanied by that depressed lack of life. Everything feels too hard. I am manging to take the boys to the park for a run, throw them a few balls & thats it - dinners are take away, calls arent returned (in fact people have stopped calling). I think our supportive friends have in fact gotten quite used to this drama - there was a lot more support after the first, second & third miscarriage & i am feeling very lonely & isolated. A has been working alot but is hopefully changing jobs soon so we can have our lives back (well recurring miscarriages have destroyed that) but at least our time together.
My dreams or nightmares ( when i do manage to sleep) Im aware are quite disturbing. They are filled with themes of anxiety & feeling very attacked & threatened....not even my sleep is free from torture.
I havent written much at all about our process of considering adoption but it feels as tho i should bring you all up to speed with where we are at. Till a few months ago, adoption was to me so challenging & confronting. I desperately did & still do want our bio child/ren. Because it was so confronting I recognised i needed to explore it for me & unpack it which i started to do. After our 4th miscarriage - out of necessity we looked it up, made those first few scary enquiries. We were told from expressing interest to receiving a child can take 3 - 4 yrs so, as i said, out of necessity we thought we should start the process but keep trying as well & open both avenues. We sent of for our information, completed the expression of interest form & sent that off & in 2 weeks we are attending our adoption 2 day seminar. When we were booked in to attend, i was still pregnant with our 5 th pregnancy. I was well aware we could lose it by the time the seminar came round & we did.
As it approaches - adoption feels heavier, harder & more confronting.
I wont go into all the detail as id be here for days.....but we've ben thru quite a process & have realised that ideally we would like both - we would love (of course) to have biological children & adopt as well.
Of course if we cant have our own bio children then we will adopt anyway - but if i had a choice, i pray we could have one or two bio kids & then adopt one.
....A is approaching it in a lighter way. I feel the politicisation of it all so heavily. I've been looking things up on the net & have come across much info about how 'wrong' it is to remove a child from their environment etc.....
....its all feeling so hard, heavy & loaded.
And continuing to try naturally (or ivf) is also feeling so hard, heavy & loaded.
Nothing feels easy or manageable anymore.
This whole process of family making to me now feels so painful, so filled with trauma, loss, despair....
How I long for a time when A & I walk together in the world without a heavy dark cloud over us.
I wonder if that will ever be?
My dreams or nightmares ( when i do manage to sleep) Im aware are quite disturbing. They are filled with themes of anxiety & feeling very attacked & threatened....not even my sleep is free from torture.
I havent written much at all about our process of considering adoption but it feels as tho i should bring you all up to speed with where we are at. Till a few months ago, adoption was to me so challenging & confronting. I desperately did & still do want our bio child/ren. Because it was so confronting I recognised i needed to explore it for me & unpack it which i started to do. After our 4th miscarriage - out of necessity we looked it up, made those first few scary enquiries. We were told from expressing interest to receiving a child can take 3 - 4 yrs so, as i said, out of necessity we thought we should start the process but keep trying as well & open both avenues. We sent of for our information, completed the expression of interest form & sent that off & in 2 weeks we are attending our adoption 2 day seminar. When we were booked in to attend, i was still pregnant with our 5 th pregnancy. I was well aware we could lose it by the time the seminar came round & we did.
As it approaches - adoption feels heavier, harder & more confronting.
I wont go into all the detail as id be here for days.....but we've ben thru quite a process & have realised that ideally we would like both - we would love (of course) to have biological children & adopt as well.
Of course if we cant have our own bio children then we will adopt anyway - but if i had a choice, i pray we could have one or two bio kids & then adopt one.
....A is approaching it in a lighter way. I feel the politicisation of it all so heavily. I've been looking things up on the net & have come across much info about how 'wrong' it is to remove a child from their environment etc.....
....its all feeling so hard, heavy & loaded.
And continuing to try naturally (or ivf) is also feeling so hard, heavy & loaded.
Nothing feels easy or manageable anymore.
This whole process of family making to me now feels so painful, so filled with trauma, loss, despair....
How I long for a time when A & I walk together in the world without a heavy dark cloud over us.
I wonder if that will ever be?
posted by Nicky at 6:26 PM
13 Comments:
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Our journey to child number two has been difficult and I know the "dark cloud" all too well. Just know you are not alone!
I'm here. I'm reading each post you publish. If I can do anything, I pray. I keep up the hope in times when you can’t. Please know that you have friends who care about you. We are all here for you.
I am so sorry for your losses and I can't even imaginge what you are going through. I hope it is a little bit comforting to know that there are many people praying and hoping that your wish will come true.
That dark cloud is an awful place to be but it is part of grieving. I have only had one loss and years of trying and the cloud hits me more than I would like it too.
HUGS!
I'm sorry you are going through this- the miscarriage, the uncertainty about how to have a family, the fears about the adoption process, etc. Its a hard place to be- I've been there for years, and its tough.
I know it's hard to believe right now, but that dark cloud does become a little lighter and fluffier as time passes. Everything you're describing was me just a couple weeks ago. You are not alone, honey.
Dear Womb, I am just finding out about your loss after several weeks away, and my heart is so very heavy for you. How cruel, how utterly cruel to have to go through this again. I'm so sorry.
How I wish I could do something for you. Please know that I am thinking of you and hoping that you get some answers soon, and a hopeful way forward.
I have thought of you often these few days. You are not alone.
Much love and hope that your cloud lifts soon.
Yes, the dark cloud is all encompassing isn't it. At least adoption is an option that you are considering. An option that you can embrace or walk away from at any stage. I hope the clouds lift a little for you soon.
I think there will be days where that cloud surrounds you, and then you'll start to see your way, which ever path you choose. Sometimes it will be clear sometimes it won't but you'll find your way. In the mean time ((hugs)) and my thoughts are with you. I'm so sorry for the heartace you've experienced on your TTC journey.
Wow...Your heavy heart right now sounds exactly how I felt back in March after my last m/c - All I had was work to push away all of my feelings, and everything I enjoyed (playing with DS, talking to friends, etc.) was gone to me. I couldn't get my tears and anger out, yet I needed to - and my lack of sleep proved it.
We in the community are always here for you...even if your "real life" supporters are not there for you, for whatever the reason. It stinks that people begin to give less and less support as each m/c happens - which is the exact opposite of what you need. No one becomes "comfortable" with m/c - whether you are on m/c #1 or m/c #10. People who have never been through the process need to understand that - and offer their support to you.
Will be thinking of you as you...
I just came across your blog and you gave me goose bumps. This may or may not make you feel better. I worked with a girl who when I knew her she told me that she was not able to have babies.... for years they tried..... YEARS! They even tried fertility clinics and all that jazz. They finally gave up and came to terms with the fact they would never have a baby without adopting. 40 years old... thinking she had the flew she found out she was pregnant again. Years after they gave up. She now has a beautiful, healthy baby girl. There is hope... don't give up! It's hard but it could make a great story one day to a very special baby about how they were meant just for you!
I know what you mean about the politicisaton of IA - I read a lot of that stuff, too. Just keep taking one step at a time, it will get easier. At least I hope it will.
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