Wednesday, June 21, 2006

More torture, more grief, more pain...

The results came thru at 1pm. My favourite nurse called & in an appreciated honest & no-nonsense approach told me it had dropped to 165. My progesterone had dropped too. This pregnancy was heading to where my 3 others had gone - miscarriage.

I was shocked. How foolish of me to have been secretly excited & hopeful. How stupid of me to have been quietly confident when of course this was going to happen again.

I was at my new job. It was not possible to shut down my computer & head home to A, the dogs & the comfort of our friends at the end of the line. So I had to stay there & try to hold it together.

I'd already started fantasasing.....announcing to everyone the news after a successful transnuchal test, joining a pre natal yoga class & feeling like a normal healthy pregnancy woman, carrying a child well into the summer, birth classes, our sons circumcision or daughters naming ceremony, the speech we'd make there thanking our closest friends who supported us thru this torture.....& i wandered whether we'd been blessed with a boy or a girl. I wandered whether I was going to have the discipline to not find out & be suprised with A.

& now ...those fantasies have receded to no where land & there's the familiar pain, darkness, grief, isolation, fear, panic, despair...... & more grief....& more loss.

& now what ......more of the dreaded same.....but this time with an endometrial biopsy & some 4D ultrasound thrown in......& as usual, these tests I know, will come back clear & we'll be back to this horrid place ive come to know & hate....

I am feeling sorry for myself & I am angry at god...why the fuck is this happening?

Why am I bothering with chinese herbs, organic food, & everything else -is it all rubbish?

I called a supportive friend M, who isnt really a close friend but who has gone thru her own hell & is just lovely & supportive & lately we've seen them a few times & theyve been so understanding. I cant believe what they went thru - over 27 cycles, $300,000 later, they sold their house & 6 yrs later -a beautiful boy & 2 yrs after that, another miracle.....she had many miscarriages & didnt even bother considering it a pregnancy till she got to 7 or 8 wks......she held to her dream & got there & she told me we have to keep going...but right now, today - that feels torturous & the fear & the unknown of whats ahead for us feels even worse. Ironically the times she did keep a healthy pregnancy were the times she'd ditched all the organics, microbiotics, etc & was eating shit & working like a labourer fixing & selling their house.....

& Ive wandered tonite is M right? Should I abandon all these peripherals? or was it the chocolate i ate each day or the fizzy mineral water, was it that i didnt get enough sleep? Who the fuck knows?

When i was stuck at work in my inner torture, I was grateful for A & for my friends...they all sent beautiful sms's or called with love.

I came home, hugged A & cried.....I was grateful for our usual ritual...we took the boys to the park, the four of us were together & at least something felt ok & normal.

& then i began to feed myself shit id resisted for the last few wks - excessive amounts of chocolate, chips, ice cream & to top it off -pizza.....somehow it makes sense.....if I dont have to eat healthy for this growing baby, if its dying or dead, then fuck it!!!! But its also a self hate, angry, punitive expression .

I am angry at my body. It has let me down again. It has deceived me too. Even tonite I have extremely sore boobs.....it was these boobs that made me think were were all fine, all 3 of us......

I do wish we didnt want children as much as we do. I wish we could say 'you know, this aint fun, were not enjoying life, eachother or our world, lets let go of this kid thing, lets have a great life, the two of us with the dogs & forget the family thing'. ....some couples do get to that.

I dont know if that will be us. It feels so far from where we are. We desperately want children. Tonite A & I were talking about a very close friend who sold her house for a huge amount. A said to me...'we'll never be there, dealing with that kinda money'. My response was to instantly reply 'i dont give a shit aboutt that, i dont want that'...and my rsponse was so quick, so sure & direct because the only thing i want is for us to have a family & live in a house with light & love.....that my sound corny & tacky...but that is really all i truly want.

3 Comments:

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Anonymous Nikole at babylust said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your post sounded so familiar to me--it really echos the feelings I have been having over the past week--how I had dared to be hopeful after my 3 previous losses. How cruel the world can be.

Again, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. You will be in my thoughts.

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