Down Time
It has been a week since I wrote. I have had an intense, consuming work week. Work is consuming & distracting yet, the accumulative loss, grief & trauma of now 5 miscarriages is always with me & there are days where the tears are closer to the surface & almost nothing is needed for them to escape.
I worked extremely hard last week, long hours & by Fri I was exhausted. The over tiredness was enough to send me over the edge & I was teary all day. A woman at work was celebratig the first birthday of her twins - this fact sent me down a spiral of pain, torture, anger & grief. The politix of work sent me into distress as well. Im sure these events would bother me normally but now with my intense vulnerability - i was very distressed.
I have been disappointed by my friends...not all of them ofcourse but for a few...I just havent heard from them.....i wander if they think, after 5, were ok now, were used to it? or are they just bored & over it so they switch off? well it stinx - it has been hurtful & then Im also so over being hurt & disappointed by people.
Our RE called me late Fri afternoon. I didnt get to my mob till after 6 & I knew he had the karyotyping results. I was frustrated I would have to wait till Mon to get them but i also realised it wouldnt make a difference to my w'end......this baby was already dead - nothing would change the outcome.....I am though....quite anxious to receive them......
During my work week, I am stimulated, busy, challenged, mixing with wonderful interesting people. I am in control of so many things - I am watching them be realised & achieving a lot - it is satisfying. It is in fact the opposite of my internalised life right now. I coordinated a very significant program this week & I loved it. A few of us gave it everything we've got & it was such a success - it was a great feeling.
But when the weekend arrives, my down time doesnt feel great.... everything sinks & spirals down. A's work roster is really getting to me now. I am very over our little quality time - his crazy hours - i hate it. On a weekend day, not every w'end but 2 out of 4, he sleeps till the afternoon as he only got to bed close to 4am...we then have only a few hrs together & hes gone to work again. Im seriously over it. I know hes stressed by it too & at the moment his possibilities seem so limited but IM OVER IT. I really believe we shouldnt spend our lif working, building our careers to the point where our relationships & quality time suffer. I know A believes that too but at the moment we arent living this. And of course it isnt just this issue - its the trauma of 5 miscarriages, its within every pore of our skin, every cell in our psyche - i feel its darkness permeating everywhere except our work lives.
This week we have our 2 day adoption seminar Thurs & Fri......I dont really know what to expect. Will it be refreshing & provide a little hope & lightness back into our lives or will it reinforce our grief & loss.....or will it fall somewhere in between.......?
When does this lift? When will it shift?
When do we see the light at then end of this tunnel? or the silver lining to this cloud? My mum used to say to me 'the darkest hour is always before dawn'.....surely this is our darkest hour? Surely? So bring on fucking dawn!!!!!!!!
I worked extremely hard last week, long hours & by Fri I was exhausted. The over tiredness was enough to send me over the edge & I was teary all day. A woman at work was celebratig the first birthday of her twins - this fact sent me down a spiral of pain, torture, anger & grief. The politix of work sent me into distress as well. Im sure these events would bother me normally but now with my intense vulnerability - i was very distressed.
I have been disappointed by my friends...not all of them ofcourse but for a few...I just havent heard from them.....i wander if they think, after 5, were ok now, were used to it? or are they just bored & over it so they switch off? well it stinx - it has been hurtful & then Im also so over being hurt & disappointed by people.
Our RE called me late Fri afternoon. I didnt get to my mob till after 6 & I knew he had the karyotyping results. I was frustrated I would have to wait till Mon to get them but i also realised it wouldnt make a difference to my w'end......this baby was already dead - nothing would change the outcome.....I am though....quite anxious to receive them......
During my work week, I am stimulated, busy, challenged, mixing with wonderful interesting people. I am in control of so many things - I am watching them be realised & achieving a lot - it is satisfying. It is in fact the opposite of my internalised life right now. I coordinated a very significant program this week & I loved it. A few of us gave it everything we've got & it was such a success - it was a great feeling.
But when the weekend arrives, my down time doesnt feel great.... everything sinks & spirals down. A's work roster is really getting to me now. I am very over our little quality time - his crazy hours - i hate it. On a weekend day, not every w'end but 2 out of 4, he sleeps till the afternoon as he only got to bed close to 4am...we then have only a few hrs together & hes gone to work again. Im seriously over it. I know hes stressed by it too & at the moment his possibilities seem so limited but IM OVER IT. I really believe we shouldnt spend our lif working, building our careers to the point where our relationships & quality time suffer. I know A believes that too but at the moment we arent living this. And of course it isnt just this issue - its the trauma of 5 miscarriages, its within every pore of our skin, every cell in our psyche - i feel its darkness permeating everywhere except our work lives.
This week we have our 2 day adoption seminar Thurs & Fri......I dont really know what to expect. Will it be refreshing & provide a little hope & lightness back into our lives or will it reinforce our grief & loss.....or will it fall somewhere in between.......?
When does this lift? When will it shift?
When do we see the light at then end of this tunnel? or the silver lining to this cloud? My mum used to say to me 'the darkest hour is always before dawn'.....surely this is our darkest hour? Surely? So bring on fucking dawn!!!!!!!!
posted by Nicky at 6:55 PM
6 Comments:
That darkest hour before dawn thing is really nonsense - both in the metaphor and in reality. Have you seen the sky before dawn? It gets lighter...
Sweetie, i think the pain doesn't ever go away completely, you just figure out better coping strategies. It sounds like both of you have such a lot on your plates, so stress of work combined with stress of infertility - it's a wonder you aren't lying on the floor in a quivering heap.
Re the friends thing, mine have never been very good at this. I think they don't know what to say. I have realised that they still love us, but it's hard to know how to comfort us, and so they back off. I haven't managed to do this myself, but have you tried calling friends and asking for help - asking someone to come round and make dinner with you, or go to a film when your husband is working late one night? Tell them you do need to talk about what's going on, and you'd like them to be there for you - all they have to do is listen.
In the meantime, we're here, listening on the other end of a stream of data.
The pain of my m/c reminds me of when I almost broke my ankle. It hurt like hell at the time and for weeks after, and then the pain went away. Now there are a few days when it's a bit tender but for the most part I live with it. It's never going to go away no matter how much I want to forget. I'm sure in time it won't hurt as much, but there will always be something that reminds me of what might have been.
As for the metaphor, I like to think that dawn always comes. It's never dark forever. So, there will be light sometime, in just what form that light will come is unknown. For me, I have to think that I can't be wandering around in this darkness for my entire life, but I do know I have to keep going till I see the first rays of light.
In the mean time, you have as much right to be angry, and grief stricken. If your friends can't deal with that, you shouldn't have to speed up the grieving process to allieviate their discomfort. I wish people would understand that the pain doesn't get easier to handle the more m/c you have, it gets intensly worse.
I'm so sorry, sweetie. It isn't fair and the other side seems so far away. I wish there was a magical bridge where you could just cross out of this by walking a straight line. But...
I think the best advice to give people who want to help is that they need to be in it for the long-haul. The losses are all equally hard. It's not that the first one is the hardest and it gets easier. You need to ask about it when it happens AND down the line. Because people don't forget. They don't "just get over it." Even after they have a baby.
I think Carolyn Hax's advice was great (thank you for posting that comment). It should be required reading.
I can't count how many times I have lost it at work now... As much as the work keeps me busy, it pushes the hurt of loss farther and farther away until it can't be contained anymore.
Like Thalia said, the pain doesn't ever go away...it may just lessen a bit in time. But, it will only lessen when you are finally able to take a step back away from your life a bit and really begin to grieve for the angel babies that you have lost. I finally had to talk to my boss and ask him to give me a break - I decided to go for counseling and now, almost 7 months after my last of 3 losses, I am finally able to get through the day without crying (well, most of the time anyway). You need to be easier on yourself as best you can. *hugs*
As for friends...I have many, but only a select few who I can really count on for comfort when I need it. People are uncomfortable with loss, especially loss like ours, and although it is not right, they can't handle comforting someone the way we need to be comforted. You have us here who will always understand and be there for you.
Oh, sweetie. I am so SO sorry. I wish I could do SOMETHING to help take away the pain for you. About the only thing I can offer is an ear and a shoulder. We're here for you.
I am with Thalia here - I am amazed that you have kept going with as much stress as you are dealing with.
And I also believe that pain doesn't just go away - it just dulls over time.
I have been thinking about you and wishing you peace often, sweetie. Love to you right now.
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