Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Todays update is....just todays update

The first half of today was an emotional one. Thru my new job, I visited where my mother had resided for only a few weeks at the end of her life (thats a whole other story) but it was a tad too difficult. Ive been there since she died but today, it was too hard, the emotion wouldnt be supressed, it hurriedly poured down my face, i knew it was all too much, mum, this miscarriage. the previous three. I drove back to work in tears. I felt loaded up with loss.

I know its not gracious to feel sorry for me but the truth right now is that i do. I feel as tho' this lifetime ive endured enough loss. Loss has been a familiar experience for me & for someone in their 30's ive experienced too much of it. Yrs ago when i did an astrology course, I was told that scorpios are very connected to death & death energy, rebirth, death energy. Scorpio is ruled by the planet Pluto which is all about death & rebirth. Even my amazing astrologer is dead now (that probably sounds funny, but really isnt meant to).

Then in the afternoon, i had a tiny glimmer of positivity. A very close friend C called me at work to see how I was going. He was so lovely. He had the protest Ive been wishing people would have. He was overwhelmed at this outrageous situation....he couldnt believe they allow this to happen to us (miscarrying women), he was furious on my behalf. He started to tell me that he'd been talking to the president of his board (of his organisation - a very large prominent womens health org) abt my situation & she had been caring & respectful. I then told him our story abt how my RE had been upset at our desire to get a second opinion but we'd nonetheless persevered & had made an appt with this miscarriage specialist for the 12/7. He then said to me 'I wish you would see D" & then I exclaimed "it is her, were seeing" It was one of those synergystic moments & i felt a little hopeful that maybe the universe would provide after all. He immediately called her to tell her I was seeing her & she promised him she'd do all she could. I felt a tiny moment of relief. I am praying she will uncover things our RE hasnt.

Then when i got home A & I with the boys headed for a nite time walk to our local beach & had a yummy thai dinner. The boys ran around everywhere & even when youre really down, its uplifting to see two beautiful shaggy dogs so tremendously happy. It does lift our moods. All A & I talked about was this...our loss & strruggle. It is dominating our entire world. I told A I was thinking of sending an email out to our many friends & family Ive neglected ...Ive been feeling bad that for quite a few people Ive just cut off altogether & for others while it hasnt been so extreme ive still hardly been in contact. its been causing me pressure etc so ....I thought it could go something like this;

'dear all, Im sending this email to acknowledge Ive been distant & havent connected to any of you for a long time now. Im sorry abt that. As you know our fertility journey hasnt been easy & in fact it keeps getting harder. Its taking up all my inner resources to simply cope with it & survive this & Ive found the way I cope is to retreat & gon inside & hence Ive had no energy to connect with any of you. I guess this isnt going to resolve quickly & i have no idea for how long it will go on so im writing to say - unfortunately thats how it is & tho I do feel bad at my lack of contact, its the best i can do at the moment'

not sure if i should send something like that?......

Anyway, i got home, checked my blog & thru Nikole (thanx so much nikole) Id been connected to a many other also struggling thru this.....i felt less felt good to be in a community of support....thanx to you all.

There was still no sign of blood today tho it felt it would be arriving soon (but it has felt like that everyday). There was hardly any sign of sleep last nite too.....

So tonite Im sipping camomile & praying for some sleep.

& ill also pray Vivien gets a positive test & that it stays positive for 12 wks, no longer - till she delivers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Blogger Thalia said...

Of course you are feeling like shit, of course you are. Losing yet another pregnancy is enough to make you feel sad and mad and angry at life in general. I'm glad you've got your husband and the dogs to look after you. I hope the physical part of this will be over soon, and that the miscarriage doc will help.

This may be a dumb question to someone on their 4th miscarriage but have you read Coming to Term? it helped me...

7:12 AM  
Blogger sube said...

If it's wrong to feel self-pity, then count me guilty too. I think it's only natural after all you've been through. Don't beat yourself up about it.

Glad the dogs brought you a dose of happiness amidst the sadness.

2:06 PM  
Anonymous Nikole said...

Self-pity? That sounds like the story of my life for the past few weeks. I think we're allowed a little bit of that (okay, a lot of that) at these times.

I'm glad to hear that your friend C was so supportive, and I hope it works out with the new specialist. And I hope that personal connection means that things will be lining up for you in the stars.

Oh, and you're welcome. We need all of the support we can get.

10:49 PM  

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