Saturday, June 24, 2006

The reality of loss

The reality of this loss has arrived. We are absolutely miserable, so low. It is such a cruel process - all the symptoms are still loud, it feels as though the bleeding is still far away. It's a strange phenomenon-if I was a normal pregnant woman who doesn't suffer from recurrent pregnancy loss -I would have done the first test, received a joyful positive result & I'd now believe I was just over 5 wks body would support this feeling & I'd be filled with excitement...& lets say i don't start to bleed for a few weeks still, I would think I'd be pregnant till 7,8,or 9 wks...but i do know that's not the case & while I'm still pregnant, officially its all over.

I wish I would start bleeding already. Not so I can try again but just so I can start letting go of all of this. I know this all wont be gone as soon I bleed but it does help when at least Im no longer pregnant.

A is so miserable too. I wiah I could make him happy. I wish I could keep a pregnancy.

I feel I have no desire to see anyone at all apart from A & the boys (our dogs). Last nite we had dinner out with my dearest cousin B & while i adore him & he is supportive & the nite was lovely....I am finding it easier to stay home & be silent.

It is amazing to me I survived the work week with a bravado of 'all is fine'. Thank god I can just sit with it all over the w'end & not have to perform.

Last nite A gave me a sleeping pill. I hadn't slept at all. I felt like a total physical & emotional wreck. Now that I'm waiting to bleed & no where near trying again I had a few glasses of wine & a sleeping pill. For the first nite in weeks I slept. I still was awake between 3ish & 5ish but thats great for me. We stayed in bed till 11am. I needed it.

We are blessed by the boys. They are joyful all the time, affectionate & loving. Today we headed out for a cliff walk, the four of us, it was a lovely day. Its whale time here. They're heading north to have their calves so we had an incredible show of a beautiful pregnant whale breaching over & over -it was a moment of magic & uplifting energy in the midst of our lowness.

We are afraid of the unknown, of whats to come....will we have to have 8 more miscarriages before we finally hold our child in our arms? Will we ever hold our child in our arms?

After hearing the result on wed, I entered that agonising state of desperation to find out why this is happening. Once again I searched the net day & nite to try & find something that would explain this. It felt awful & I felt so alone. I felt - if I dont get to the bottom of this & find out why it keeps happening - no one else will. Don't get me wrong, A is very supportive but it is not his style to desperately research why this is happening, instead he shows support by being my private, quiet soundboard & support. The dozens of tests we had after our third miscarriage revealed nothing - all was clear. This time my research focused on thyroid auto immune disorders & natural killer cells. Both of these fall under the suite of auto immune disorders & perhaps there's something in this as my beloved mum suffered from an auto immune disease for too long. I spoke to our RE & asked him yet again, had my thyroid been tested. It had & it was normal but i read on some site that 'even with a normal TSH test, there can still be some thyroid auto immune activity that causes recurring pregnancy loss. The pregnancy support unit nurse I'd connected with told me of another RE who specialises in miscarriage & apparently she does more of a thorough work up than our RE. Generally, Im very satisfied with our RE - everyone will tell you he's the best but ofcourse when i heard that theres another dr who does a more thorough work up I wanted to see her for a second opinion. Out of courtesy I called our RE to let him know Id be seeing her. He wasn't at all happy, the conversation was a difficult one & to be honest I didn't appreciate it. I didn't need any extra shit put on me.

As far as the natural killer cells go - apparently the endometrial biopsy will reveal if I have any-ie: if Im attacking my own fetus.

I dont know whats happening but I do know a few things:

1) Apparently after 4 attempted stimulated cycles & not having a healthy pregnancy, the drs at our clinic do say to you your eggs are dodgy & you need to find an egg donor.

2) I believe & know my eggs are fine. Even though I have no substantiated evidence -I instinctively know my eggs are fine. The chinese herbs, my lifestyle & the stimulated cycles have shown me my eggs are good quality.

3) I also believe & know our embryos are fine too. Most of my eggs fertilise & we always have an 'extraordinary' result of embryos reaching day 5 blastocyst stage - which wouldn't be happening if they were dodgy.

4) I can relatively easily achieve a pregnancy. In the last 19 mths we've had 4 pregnancies. They all start fine. They implant well, The first hcg test is better than fine.

5) But then something happens & thats where it all falls apart -the something that is causing our miscarriages happens right then -they've implanted well & then something happens & they die or start to peeter out. Except for the 9 wk one - it happened later that time.

On Wed when our RE was giving me the result & I was demanding to know why-he did intimate that 'at my age, my eggs are probably not the best'.

I was angry & upset. My chinese herbalist had warned me that they do that - if youre not successfully prtegnant after 4 cycles - they cop out of responsibility & blame your eggs. As soon as I heard the begginnings of that - a horrible feeling started to rise within.

I guess thats it for now.

Part of me wishes I had the inner resources to write a book - to really write what this is like. I'd call it 'So many souls' - who knows ...may be I will....

but for now Im laying low, trying to heal & find the strength & energy to carry on.


Anonymous Nikole at babylust said...

Sending you a big hug from across the ocean. Everything you wrote sounds so familiar to me--the cruelty of lingering symptoms, feeling like I can't trust my body, impatience to have it be over, longing for answers that make sense, fear of the unknown future, a strong need to be alone, desperate sadness. (sigh)

Sleeplessness at this time is unbearable torture. What could be worse than staying up all night thinking of how horrible life is at the moment. I've had the same thing, and the prescription of wine and a sleeping pill has saved me too.

The burden of searching for answers, especially when you feel like you are going at it alone, is so heavy. I have once again entered the obsession of needing to understand why this is happening. Have you read "Coming to Term" by Jon Cohen? I have found it to be an excellent resource.

I did hear just a hint of optimism when you wrote of your boys and the beautiful show by the whales. I hope you can contiune to find small bits of joy in this time of unbelievable sadness. My heart is with you.

1:09 AM  

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