Finally....

And finally I started to shed this pregnancy. I could tell it was going to be hell & so from the early morning hours I drugged myself with non sterroidals & codeine & the pain still screamed thru the drug barriers. My eyes have looked like theyre falling out of my head all day (not a good look for the new job). Somehow i managed to stay at work. Enduring all this in a brand new job is difficult. I have no regrets at leaving my soul destroying, highly paid job but the only benefit of that job was i didnt care & i spent more hours away from work than at work....so days like this were hard, really hard. I survived on chocolate & drugs.

I arrived home, hugged A, cried on his shoulder from the pain (not the loss but the pain, would you believe). A filled me a bubble bath. He surrounded the bath with candles & I lay there for over an hour. He put on some beautiful flute relaxing music & I felt half alive but at least in the heat & water, the pain finally subsided. I recall after my D&C, when the pain was torturous, I spent many nites half alive groaning in the bath.

The dogs kept coming in, getting soap suds on their noses & leaving only to return 5 mins later.

A is making a yummy dinner & thank god its the w'end & I have two days to bleed & try & recover.

I anticipated I would be so heavy I was worried I'd leak everywhere (sorry i know it may be too much information well if so, dont read the next few sentences). While it wasnt as heavy as expected, I did pass a few clots that were HUGE, similar to the size i passed after the 9 wk miscarriage. They were particularly painful. I recall from last miscarriage too that its when the huge clots are passing the cervix, thats the worst pain. They were enormous. What were they i wandered, a bit of fetus? endometrium?

I am wrecked.
I am exhausted.
I am at least pleased that finally ive started to bleed
I think once its leaving physically, i can start to shift emotionally & try to move on from this.

I called the miscarriage management nurse as I was told. She swaps from the pregnancy support nurse when youre pregnant to the miscarriage management nurse when you miscarry (how versatile of her). She booked me in for the 4D ultrasound & she'll tell me when i have to have regular bloods for tracking & then book me in for the endometrial biopsy. I hate having to go in there for bloods. Till now it hasnt bothered me soooo much but im noticing I loathe it now, its really taking its toll, this interventionist treatment & miscarriage trauma.

Tonite I found a new blog (knocked.typepad.com/). Jill has had 6 miscarriages. I only know the pain & trauma of 4 miscarriages & i know that to be unbearable so my heart goes out to Jill.