Saturday, June 17, 2006

Why is this so hard?

This is totally torturous. All week i was doing hpts -all were negative, i was feeling low & depressed but was quickly trying to move thru it - i was wishing my working week would be here as i was starting a new job & i was desperate for the distraction. Then wed nite, all nite i couldnt sleep, A was in hospital overnite for a monor op, i got up at 4.30, did a hpt & it was positive - it was a strong positive - out of nowhere....i was blown away & secretly thrilled. The next am i went early to the clinic for a blood test, it was a day earlier than scheduled but thats ok, i then raced over to the hospital to suprise A with the test.....this time i knew they'd ring with a postive beta & it was 139!!!!

We knew not to be excited. weve been here before. But i still prayed....this time its different, ive left a soulless depressing job which surely would have affected my spirit & core, im taking torturous clexane injections each nite .....surely this time we'd be allright.

I was holding out till this am, another 48hrs for a repeat beta. Yesterday tho' all my symptoms screamed positive things -as the day progressed i had such sore boobs, they hardened & bnecame so sore that by nite they were unbearably sore, my bloat was well & truly pertruding....all were looking reassuring.

This am my boobs werent so sore but i still thought it might be ok, theyre never as tender in the mornings i recalled from previous pregnancies. And i waited for the nurse to call. Our RE called early - instantly i thought...not a good sign....its 230 he said. It hasnt doubled, its increased by 65%. Our RE tried to reassure me ....that it doesnt always double every 48 hrs but every 48 - 72 hrs......he said he didnt want me to come back for another test till thurs.....that way, that would allow enough time to have a clear indication whether it was viable for now......i pushed for wed. he agreed.

& the hope & the secret moments of fantasy & joy i'd enjoyed started to recede again......somehow i knew where this was going....

the nurse from the clinic called.....she said it can still go either way, my estrogen & progesterone are increasing so she said it still looks like my body is supporting a pregnancy.....

i took the dogs to the park & suddenly that huge wave of exhaustion that i recognised was here with me, i was about to crash -so tired. i came home & went to bed.

im counting on my symptoms now to tell me whats going on as i'll have no further info till wed & so far the picture isnt great, my boobs are still tender but nothing like i figure its on its way down, it probably had doubled & is heading towards zero yet again......

why is this so hard for us? why is every step of this process so torturous?

thats 4 pregnancies now & 3 down & it looks as tho it'll be four in a day or two.

the longest ive gone is 9 wks but it had died at 8 wks.....this time we probably wont even get to 5 wks.

why didnt the clexane work?

Its all too hard. Ofcourse Im still praying & hoping all will be ok wed but its too painful to hope only, i have to prepare me for another loss & that way it'll somehow be a tiny bit more palatable.


Blogger Thalia said...

I'm sorry that this one seems to be ending as well. Try not to obsess about the symptoms, they're not very reliable indicators. I hope you can find something to distract yourself with til thursday.

7:55 PM  

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