Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Angry....

Im still pregnant but i guess its not really a wholesome pregnancy as Ive been confirmed I will miscarry....I went in to the clinic this am for a repeat hcg - its still hovering but wont quite plummet down to zero. It is slowly declining & it feels awful. I've been angry - at everything! I acknowledge its the loss & grief but in the meantime - there's enough to be angry about anyway;
Im angry they just leave you to this cruel state. If theyre so interventionist, then why cant they enable it to come down quicker - its awful.
Im angry at my RE still, who was so ego based & unprofessional at our justified & reasonable desire to get a second opinion with a dr who is supposedly a specialist in miscarriage.
Im angry IVF hasnt mastered how to maintain pregnancies. I feel they do half the job. They are skilled at creating embryos but not much help after that.
Im angry that i keep miscarrying.
Im angry at the world that this is happening.
Im angry there arent huge protests trying to stop this from happening again - i know im sounding insane but on an emotional level - it does feel unacceptable to me - how can this keep happening? Can I make a complaint? Wheres the boss?
Why is it my RE had a kind of chilled out, laissez faire attitude?
From his point of view - he has already told me, that with patients like me (ie: miscarriers) who dont seem to have an explanation as to why it keeps happening - the most common pattern is-they (drs)start them (us) on clexane (a blood thinning drug) & perhaps they still have a few more miscarriages, but then for no known reason - they'll carry to term & nothing can be explained.....thats the majority, but he also did say that not all of them get there.
So i guess thats what he thinks -that i'll probably eventually get there....but from our point of view - it feels a tad different - its agony, emotionally torturous & not good enough!
Im scared too - very.....what if Im one of those who dont get there?
My nurse, K told me today that there was a client / patient /woman (whatever) who had this very situation & the embryo hovered for 6 mths...it didnt grow but nor did it die....I thanked god that this will be over soon. K is pretty sure I'll bleed within the week. I can feel how emotionally ungrounded & crazy I feel & its only been a few wks - i feel for the woman who had to put up with it for 6 mths. I pray im never there...but praying hasnt really helped me either lately & Im angry at that too!
In an ideal world, in an ideal space - i would accept graciously this is happening to me, you know...this is my path & im exactly where i need to be ................but thats such a hard place to get too......

Dear God, please help me cope with this graciously & spiritually where i come to accept my path & appreciate i need to be here for reasons I may never know.....

And in an attempt to not be soooo dark & down about everything & to be a little balanced - there are a few positive things Im grateful for:

Im grateful I come home each day to A & to the boys - my family
Im grateful for this blog & my new blog friends & support
Im grateful I found the energy on the w'end to start writing my book
Im grateful for my wonderful friends (but at times I wish Id never told them this is happening ...im not feeling like talking abt it at all)
Im grateful I have a new job & no one knows there whats going on so I have a place where I can pretend Im not going thru this
Im grateful A is cooking dinner, Im starving.
Im grateful that in this time of not really pregnant & not trying (no mans land) I can drink alcohol & take sleeping pills

I can smell my dinner....

11 Comments:

Blogger serenity said...

I just found your blog via Nikole, and though words like "I am sorry" are trite, it's all I can offer up to you.

With all my heart, I am so very sorry for your loss.

Wishing you love and peace.

9:03 PM  
Anonymous Kath said...

I just came via Nikole's too. I'm so very sorry that you have been dealt this heartbreak yet again.

Wishing you healing and answers and -- above all -- no more heartbreaks.

9:26 PM  
Blogger sube said...

I'm so sorry. I wish there was something else I could say.

10:29 AM  
Blogger Amber said...

I'm so sorry, hon, for your loss. May you slap the dr across the face a gazillion times for making you feel that way. It's hard enough already.
All I can say is to keep pressing on till you get answers. I miscarried May1st, and my levels are still not down. I was supposed to have a D&C Friday, but I found a great new doc who doesn't want to do that, and instead we're going to try Provera to stimulate my cycle. SO, keep hounding them till you feel you've been helped. It's your health, not theirs.
And next time your doc seems to have such a crappy attitude about you, his patient, his job, tell him to go find a new job if he isn't going to treat you with more dignity.

12:23 PM  
Blogger Vivien said...

If it is any comfort, you are sounding just like I am feeling. It's not insane, it's just a pretty normal reaction to something as awful as this. And by the way, your RE sounds INCREDIBLY tactless.
Now in my 6th pregnancy I am being treated with Clexane and Prednisolone and Progesterone supplements. I really don't know if it's working, but it has been very important to try the latest that seems to be out there.
I feel for you.

5:21 PM  
Blogger Vivien said...

http://repro-med.net/info/cat.php
Try this link for further information - Alan Beers has done work on Natural Killer cells which are thought to attack the fetus as if it were a cancer.
Also check out this web site where there is a lot of information on reasons for miscarriage. This is the place where I am now getting treatment. He recommends the Clexane anyway. Along with the steroids.
www.miscarriageclinic.co.uk/

I really hope this is of help.

9:37 PM  
Blogger Vivien said...

OK - comments just crossed! I had a v expensive (£350) blood test done for NK cells that the next clinic completely didn't recognise. However the test showed levels 'slightly elevated'. Rather than pay for another test, current Dr was prepared just to prescribe steroids.
Side effects - for me not too bad - they make you HUNGRY, which can lead to weight gain, and you have to come off them gradually to avoid headaches etc. Unfortunately they did start mucking up my cycle - I was getting quite a bit of spotting up to a week before my period so I stopped taking them in the 2nd half of my cycle (as originally prescribed) and waited till the positive test.
Range outside the normal? Read the Alan Beers stuff! Bit complex!

9:42 PM  
Anonymous Nikole said...

I'm sorry I didn't see this post and send you some hugs sooner. Oh, how familiar what you described sounds...the anger, the hopelessness, the wondering "why is this happening." I also have been trying to focus on the little things that I am grateful for. I try to take a few moments each day to think of the good things in my life. I have to keep thinking of those things. I'm glad you have a mini-escape at work. I hope that we can keep hoping. I'm sending you big hugs.

10:31 PM  
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