Thursday, October 05, 2006

Our baby just died

We were so afraid this am. Our second baby had died at exactly 8 weeks & 2 days....and then we saw it, a large baby, bigger than last week, much bigger but no heartbeat. There was inactivity where there was supposed to be a strong vital beat. Our baby had died. It was measuring just 8 weeks & 2 days. It had just died, hours before....last night, or during the night or this morning. I knew what to do, I knew what happens, I knew the sonographer keeps looking for a beat that isnt there. We'd done this before.....we were shattered & numb at the same time. A put his head in his hands. I just cut off from what was happening. I was in survival mode. I wanted out of there.

I got dressed & left.

Called our RE.

My D&C is tomorrow 9am.

We dont know what to do with ourselves yet in a disturbing way Im actually a little used to this.....

I think i'll be more distressed tomorrow, today there is still autopilot reactions & shock that we are here again.

Our RE will get the baby karyotyped. Im scared we will find out it was a normal child. At least if it is a chromosomal prob...there is some explanation....does that make it more palatable?...i dont know anymore

He said we shouldnt give up. He said he has seen many recurring miscarriers (with results that were both chromosomally wrong & normal) carry to term.

At this stage A wants to give up.

At this stage i still feel pregnant.

At this stage i want to wake up & to find out this was all just a horrible nightmare.

This was our 5th pregnancy.

To me it is weird that we lost our second at exactly 8 wks 2 days...maybe there is some significant chromosomal developmental task that occurs at 8 wks 2 days that our babies have not been able to progress thru because we are missing some instrumental 8 wk 2 day not sure if that makes sense....but i hope you know what i mean....

I cant believe this is over.....

Why are we in the 5-10% that could still miscarry, why arent we ever in the 90% that wont?

Why does this keep happening?

I dont know if we'll ever carry our baby to term or birth our baby or see our baby's face for the first time....i was still hopeful but now im begginning to believe we will never get there.

A part of me wants to keep writing to you maintain the connection keep this period & experience still alive in some way....but i have nothing really left to say & i guess our baby is dead...its just me wanting it all to be as it was....


Blogger Jen said...

I'm so sorry. I'm just so sorry. My heart just screamed out when I read your post tonight, I don't even know you and I'm in tears. I've been checking on your blog, hoping and praying for this to be the one for you guys. Your strength will carry you through, you've been through so much already. I'm so sorry this happened.

1:11 PM  
Blogger running wildly said...

Oh, my heart aches for you. Your pain sounds to be beyond description. I am so so sorry. Please know that I am praying for you harder than ever.

2:18 PM  
Blogger Spirit said...

I like to set up a link to you from the Travel Careers blog. What do you think about that?

4:14 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

No, oh no. I'm so, so sorry for your loss.

4:58 PM  
Blogger One Mother's Journey said...

I'm so sorry.

11:48 PM  
Blogger Stephanie said...

I am so so so sorry. there are no words. I am thinking about you.

12:22 AM  
Blogger Hope548 said...

I'm so very sorry to hear of your loss. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. I wish you peace and the strength you will need to get through this process and decisions about the future!

3:55 AM  
Blogger Amy said...

Oh no, oh no, oh no!!!! I can't even say anything...reading your post just numbed me completely and brought a huge lump into my throat, having been through it myself just a couple weeks ago. I just hurt so badly for you right now.

4:38 AM  
Blogger Kate said...

I am so terribly sorry. You have been through so much and I wish more than anything that you were in that 90%. I am just so sorry.

5:41 AM  
Blogger theoneliner said...


fck. i hate this for you. i hate it. not fair. at all. why! why! why! you know, a m/c is soooo cruel. give me infertility any day.

you're in my thoughts and prayers.

i am so so sorry.

6:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh I am so sorry. I'm in tears. This is so unfair, I just don't understand it.((HUGS)) My thoughts and prayers are with you.

7:53 AM  
Blogger serenity said...

Oh shit. I am just heartbroken over this. I am so very sorry, and I will be thinking of you and A over the next few weeks.

My love to you.

8:18 AM  
Blogger Sunny said...

I am so very sorry. I wish I had words to heal and comfort you. I am praying. You are not alone.

8:39 AM  
Blogger Amber said...

I am so sorry......
My prayers are with you during this most difficult time.

10:54 AM  
Blogger Emily said...

Oh no, there are no words adequate.

I'm so, so sorry.

1:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very good idea. Similar to a discussion I saw on this World Travel.

3:24 PM  
Anonymous mae said...

This is so unfair. It is soo unfair.

I'm in tears as I'm writing. It was supposed to go well this time. I was so confident about it, and now this unreal and devastating news.

How can someone expect two people go through something this cruel. All my thoughts and prayers go out to you and A. I wish I could help. Your tragic loss is beyond any pain to bear.

I pray for you and A to be able to be strong, if not for one self then bravely for one another.

6:32 PM  
Anonymous shazz said...

I am so, so sorry. I am thinking of you both right now. xx

10:56 PM  
Blogger moi said...

my heart breaks for you.
I'm so very sorry.

11:11 PM  
Anonymous Kim said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband. I have been where you are and it is truly awful. Please take care of yourselves.

9:33 AM  
Anonymous Lisa at Baby be Mine said...

I am so terribly sorry for your loss. There are no words... My thoughts and prayers are with you.

11:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know the feeling! I just found out my baby is dead inside of me at 10 weeks and 6 days. I am in so much emotional pain right now. Thank you for sharing your story, in some sort of crazy and twisted way, it feels relieving to find out that this happens to others. I'm sorry for our pain.......

10:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Im so sorry to hear this, my partner and i had a scan today and our baby had died aswell and it was exactly 8 weeks and 2 days too i feel everything ur feeling so depressed that this even happens. i did everything right i ate healthy and everything. my baby had a heart beat at my first scan then it just died and i have to have an abortion next week as i didnt miscarry no bleeding or no pain. i know how u feel im so upset and never thought this could ever happen my thoughts are with u

10:54 PM  
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