Here we go again

And at the end of another frenetic week....I was booked in for our embryo transfer. My psychic preparation included self talk around the fact that the most i can hope for is a head down, bum up 2 week wait. I dont want to be investing huge positivity into this cycle....firstly because its almost an impossibility & secondly because i cant bare the trauma at the other end.....so ive been trying to persuade me to be as disengaged as I can be, detached & stay busy.....that must sound extremely negative...in reality its not...we are complex creatures & on one level somewhere ofcourse I was going to be secretly praying it would work but for the most part i needed to survive.....

And Fri arrived before I knew it. I was working as efficiently as possible before heading off to the pre transfer acupuncture. I participated in the acup & session with a little more detachment. I was not hanging onto each word she says. I wasn't interested in her other success stories. I wanted my acup, my herbs & I wanted out of there.....it wasn't so bad. Ive certainly distanced from her & that feels good. Ive been writing that she no longer was meeting my every need & I've been consciously opening myself up to other practitioners who fit in to my lifestyle & new approach....& this afternoon was the first act of this new energy materialised. My transfer was later than previous attempts. I was booked in for 3.30. On a Fri, Im aware my acupuncturist likes to leave early...so I rang around & miraculously got a 5pm appt with an old acupuncturist who had a cancellation....I felt relieved....I was told by the receptionist it was a miracle...it felt right.

We arrived at the clinic & the embryologist greeted us with disappointing news. We'd had 5 embryos in the freezer. To me...that meant, 2 f0r this cycle, 2 for another cycle if need be (& one left over) till another stimulated cycle. My estimations were wrong. The first embryo thawed beautifully & was surviving well. The second embryo didnt survive the thaw. The third embryo thawed well but in the next few hours awaiting the transfer the cells degenerated significantly...so we had a choice to make...do we put in the two that were thawed...allbeit one of them was degenerating as we spk or do we thaw again....we umm'ed & aah'ed, liaised with our RE & decided to thaw another.....& so we all waited another hour for our second embryo. The degenerated one was discarded which i felt soooo uncomfortable about. My intuition was to put them both in & thaw another anyway so put 3 back but apparently legislation prevents a transfer of 3. I asked our RE the million dollar question..."what would you do, if it were you?"...He was clear he would give this cycle the best chance & so we thawed another.....an hour later....by which time, I'd thoroughly investigated the lab equipment, understood the process in the kind of detail i like...we were ready....the new embryo was doing very well & we proceeded.....they were in at 4.30ish.

A had to go to work & I calmly drove to my new (old) acupuncturist. The visit was relaxed & thorough. I wasn't barked at. The clinic was quiet & peaceful. I slept peacefully.

So they are in.....Im trying to remain as detached as I can but already I feel how hard that is.....Im choosing not to discuss it. Im choosing to keep busy, distracted & stimulated. Ofcourse Im praying all will work out but Im not even going there.....its far too painful.....so that is it......here we go again.

And today she would have been 80

I awoke sad & teary, didnt sleep well. I cried a little on my way to work remembering her b'days. By the time I got to work, it was full on & busy but I decided to visit her grave at lunch time which i did.....i drove up to the cemetery (only 10mins away) sat by her grave in the sun for a little while wishing her happy b'day, telling her how much i loved & missed her & gave her a few kisses. I felt calm & soothed to be by her side.

I arrived home & A had left for work. He'd also left her (& I) a b'day card & a beautiful yummy cheese cake with candles on it for her...i was touched. It was also my friends b'day, D. So another friend, S & I had decided to have a low key drink with D & celebrate both her & mums b''days. Since we all met through our dogs in the dog park, it was most fitting to spend the evening outdoors together. S brought a few bottles of champagne, sparklers etc. I brought two cakes (the one I'd bought for D after work & the one A bought to honour my mum) & between us we had 5 happy dogs....& eachother. We celebrated D's b'day & honoured mum & it felt right. They asked me about her & I was proud to rave about her so intensely...i was blessed with her as my mum.

When she died, apart from the usual inscription on her grave describing her major relationships etc, I also wrote a private loving tribute to her:

To my beloved mother
With you there is love, there is god
With all my heart & my soul
I am with you
I love you & I honour you
Always & all ways
We are together till the end of time

Happy birthday mummy xxxxxx

Lightness, Challenge & Mum.

And I finally ovulated...very late....either yesterday or today....day 19 or 20.....odd isn't it?. I've been going in every two days & then every day for bloods & ultrasounds. The clinic said I ovulated yesterday but i really felt it was today, I had the sharp 'o' pains & the bloat that comes & really felt it was today....who knows...anyway - they've decided - embryo transfer is Fri....so here we go again.

I'm feeling quite light, have been laughing a lot & have noticed the obsessed, depressed, painful part of me & this process is not at the forefront of my heart & mind. It's obviously there because the thought of calling my pregnant friend in Melb feels way too painful & hard...but as far as my day-day world goes here - life is (thank god) lighter & a tad easier. My job is a god send. Im very busy, but loving it & distracted & stimulated & hence I don't obsess about this stuff all day.

I'm still very selective about what Im doing & where Im going (as in socially), but there are quite a few people I can enjoy & be light with.....they are not the friends I've been intensely sharing every painful moment of this process with....they know whats going on & we obviously talk about it openly & honestly but our interaction feels a little more open & theres room & space for other & I've noticed thats what I'm comfortable with right now....back a few months ago, it felt like every chat with a close friend related to the minute details of this process & I contributed to that as much as they did - but the process has shifted for me & I no longer wish to sit & talk about it incessantly & intensely ...in fact it feels unhelpful, boring & monotonous so for now Im taking space from those friends & enjoying other connections...we are still laying low but I've certainbly emerged from our bomb shelter & enjoying spring. Yesterday I worked & to work on a Sun would have been unheard but I actually enjoyed it & laughed a lot. & Sat I enjoyed retail therapy - it hit the spot. Spring is here almost & the days are warmer & its a new season....i can feel it.

So - my lightness feels important & I recognise it will be a huge challenge to maintain this lightness thru my embryo transfer & 2ww. I so hope I can remain disengaged to a degree & detached as I am now but I know that will be almost impossible & whatever happens is ok. It has to be.

But I am aware my energy has changed & things are lighter. Im not as focused & rigid with my herbs, infact theyre rating lower in my 'must do's'., Im loving my job & would happily be there for some time yet, Im opening my emotional landscape to otherness (more on this later) & just feel lighter.

Tomorrow is my beloved Mummys 8oth b'day. I can't believe if she were here - she'd be 80. I used to make a huge fuss of her b'days, take the day off work, pick her up for a gorgeous indulgent breakfast, shower her with gifts, more meals, more fun, movies, shopping, galleries, etc.....it was a very deliberate treat as my dad didnt treat & spoil her & i desperately wanted to....it was a special day for both of us & i miss doing that, spoiling my beloved mummy on her b'day.

It is also my friends b'day, D. So at this stage, a few of us will meet in the evening to have a brief celebration.

Wherever you are my darling mum, I wish I could celebrate with you tomorrow. I wish I could drive up in the morning & see you waiting at the sunroom window for my car. I wish I could hug & kiss you & spoil you & shower you with me & gifts & make you feel as loved as you were & still are. You never made it to 80 mum, only to 76 but to me you were ageless, you will be 76 forever now & you will keep growing with me too. I adore you mummy.

Tikkun Olam

'Tikkun Olam' is a hebrew phrase which literally means 'to repair the world'. It is a kabbalistic concept which I'm not professing to know alot about at all, only a tiny bit...it is about helping to make the world more perfect.....anyway......today I told A all about what I'd been processing with regard to my previous entry. How I'd love us to adopt an international child after (please god) we have one or two of our own (that's the fantasy). We talked about it for a quite a while, what it would mean to us? what it would potentially be like?....& A likes the idea too, alot. For me - I believe its our way of contributing to tikkun olam. Its our bit, its how we can contribute to the world. Its adopting a child for them, to give them a loving home - not because we desire a family but because we can do our bit & thats how. On so many levels it feels so right for me but of course I have no idea whats ahead...will we ever have our own? Will we adopt because we have to? I don't know the answers to those questions....but I know this is what I would love A & I to do this lifetime, how we would like our family to be.

And tomorrow I must take my sick old body back to work. Im not fully recovered but enough to return. Though I hate having the flu, I actually think the time & space enabled some room for me to process some of this stuff so for that - it was good to be home & ofcourse it was good to be with all my boys. A only leaves for work in the afternoon so it was nice to have sleep ins & not race out in the mad week hype.

It made me want to have a holiday together, but not even necessarily go away....it would be so nice to just have a break where we can both chill out even here at home, sleeping, enjoy spring thays almost here, etc.....but for both of us a holiday isnt in the plans soon. A is away at a conference in 2 weeks for a week & though I appreciate the space, I hate it when he's away.

More flu & other weird & wonderful phenomena....

Well the flu well & truly set in, achy, swollen glands, teary eyes, runny, blocked nose -the works & I didnt resist the nose drops - i figured the sanity I needed by breathing & hence sleeping was worth more to me than the possible affect on my ovulation & today i didnt go to work & i wont go in tomorrow either....ive watched good dvds but generally ive been feeling so lousy. A has really been looking after me, yummy home made soup & yummy organic muffins....only in the last year, since in fact we've experienced the miscarriages, A suddenly took on house husband role & boy hes good at it. A year ago, he never would have bothered cooking but now he goes searching thru the cookbooks & delivers very delicious heartwarming food.

But onto more serious issues at hand. I made my way coughing & spluttering into the clinic this am & its day 13 & im no where near ovulation as yet....its quite strange that this month & last mth I ovulated so late. Last mth it made sense as the first month after my miscarriage but this mth too seems to be really later.....going on my ultrasound this am, it looks as though I wont ovulate for another 4 days or so which will mean transfer isnt till 5 days later. Theres a huge day at work next Wed which will be sooooooooooo stressful to get out of if transfer is then & knowing my luck it will be...so at this stage im praying for tues or thurs but pls not wed.

My chinese herbalist gave me a very specific type of herb to take for 4 days before i ovulate. As i expected to ovulate around day 15, she told me to start this herb on day 11 & keep it going till 15, then stop & continue with the other till transfer day day 20. She gave me a little less than was needed & told me to make it stretch....so now, that timeline is all wrong & theres not enough herbs to last till i ovulate or transfer day....i could go back & see her & get more but i really cant face it so im going to just do the best i can & if i run out, i run out (but she did say to me..'whatever you do, dont run out'....oh well... you get that).

Theres been a lot going on in my processing space....since Jills decision to adopt, I wrote earlier that I was very confronted by this & needed to look at this & i guess in my own private way, I have started to do that....i don't feel ready at this stage to write about whats come up for me....maybe i will at a later date but I am ready to share one quite huge decision I have made.....

For it to make total sense on a deep level though....I need to go back to another time. My mum was dying. It was about 8 or 9 days before she died. We were intensely, psychically connected in the most profound way & I believed (& still do) we had been connected for lifetimes. I was intensely dealing with the fact she was dying & we were both together processing all there was to process & there was a lot...it was all the emotional work we needed to do to get to the place where she could let go. One night late at home, after spending hours & hours at the hospital, I lay awake, wide awake & had an experience that for me felt like an epiphany, you know those moments of clarity that when you have them, you know they are more than just clarity - they are divine communication, a glimpse with god..something like that....well that night, what i'd realised or learnt was, that a long time ago, my soul & my mothers soul had made a pact - & that pact was that she would bring me into the world & in return I would look after her. And all her life after I was born & all my life I did look after her & now that she was wanting & ready to die, I no longer needed to look after her. That sounds quite simple but the significance was the exact timing. I was only going to be allowed to see that & realise that knowing in the moment when i no longer needed to look after her. Suddenly our pact was made aware to me & it was the surest thing I knew. I cried & cried that night knowing I had only been allowed to know this as she was days away from dying but at the same time it filled me with a warmth & a godliness...there was a plan, a knowing, a deeper bigger picture...i was sure of it.

The next morning I raced early to the hospital & told her my experience & she knew it was right. For her it resonated loudly - the way things do when there is truth. & she said to me "it makes perfect sense, it is true because its funny but even when you were a baby, you have looked after me emotionally & energetically"(she didnt actually use the words energetically but i put it there). In our volatile difficult family life I looked after her totally & absolutely.....anyway....years later....now while I experience this different process, there is a similarity - a clarity, a knowing that has come to me that feels alive in the same way.

When we first started miscarrying & I thought about / feared the possibility of having to be told we'd need an egg donor, I thought about the idea of being an egg donor myself & wished I'd completed my family in my twenties & could now donate my eggs to some couple in our situation....but i also thought about...how easy it is to say 'I would have done it' or 'i would have liked to do it'.....& now I've been thinking of adoption. Among many issues I've faced & will look at & process, one of the big ones for me & the potential child is the fact of having to do it. I imagined a conversation with a little person years from now when they ask me about why I adopted them & I would tell them honestly that I had many miscarriages & couldnt carry a child & we wanted a child so much that we adopted them & then i imagined the little person experienced profound pain...not only were they given up by their biological mother but their adoptive mother didnt really want them either....she would have preferred her own kids.....& that made me think about the 'choice' around it & how we have till now set up a scenario where we will do all we can to have our own children & only if we can't will we then adopt....& then i thought about my desire to give away my eggs had i completed my family & been younger etc & thats when my divine clarity came to me.....my fantasy is this: it is at this stage only a fantasy.... I don't deny it, I would love to have A's children but after we've had 2 of our own, I would love to adopt an international child - not because we have to but because we can for that child - that is my fantasy. It is a choice then, it is a thank you & it so more than that - but the other are harder to articulate.

Obviously, its a day by day process at this stage....who knows where we will find ourselves but somewhere deep inside of me, a commitments been made.

There are significant other issues Im looking at re adoption & Im sure I'll talk about these as I feel more ok to do so but for me now...the important thing is I'm going there...deep inside to look at these issues....I'm not rushing in but putting each toe in slowly...to explore....

And now....flu!!!

In my current state of stress what i didn't need was flu!!!! but ofcourse when im run down & stressed, it'll visit at the worst times - for me the worst part of flu is the inability to breathe through your nose -i hate it, the rest is soooooo uncomfortable but not being to breathe - awful & because i am about to ovulate within the next 3-5 days i dont want to be using nose drops / spray ...but im sure i will tonite because this is so shitting me. Is anyone else a neurotic friek like that & believes that the chemicals of nose drops will potentialy harm my eggs or possible conception? i wish i didn't think like that because it makes my life harder than it already is right now...

so we stayed in bed till midday, & eventually we headed to a beautiful park nearby which i have visited & loved ever since i was a baby. We took a loaf of organic wholemeal bread to feed the ducks, take away japanese for us & I fed the swans & ducks & baby swans...some ate from the palm of my hand & it was very therapeutic & quite lovely. My mum used to take me there as a young child & I just loved feeding the ducks...& nothings changed. A huge eel even came by underwater (ofcourse) to get fed too..A liked him the most. The swans would glide in right into the palm of my hand & one who wasn't so coordinated hit the wall of the pond & A, the dogs, the swan & I were all in shock.

Last night after work, A & I had our annual tax appointment with our accountant. And of course she is 3 & a half months pregnant & did i mention our neighbour is too????

Then we went to A's parents for our ritual Fri night family dinner & silly me brought up my blog & my sister in law was curious, I told them I didnt want anyone knowing my blog address & that for me it was important i had the anonymity I needed but I still knew she was curious & would look for it. Ive grown up with T, feel very close to her but as we've all touched on....its important to be able to be free when we write.....silly me for bringing my blog up.

I'd like to thank you all who visited my recent entries & soothed me about my inability to find positivity right now as we approach this new cycle....i feel like ive receiveed permission & validation at not being able to muster or find the optimism & positivity. I will do as Ive been advised by you all & take the 'head down & keep busy approach'.....that is, as kath said "the most I can hope for"....ooouuch every nose blow or sneeze really hurts my whole head....

thats it for now, i must head to a bowl of steaming water with menthol to try to unblock my nose..in a last attempt to avoid chemical drops....oh yes by the way, in an attempt to avoid chemicals Ive recently purchased 100% organic skin care range...its quite lovely....& it feels so good to not use chemicals when youre cleaning or moisturising your face -the brand is miessence if any of you are interested.

How do i feel positive again?

Today I was a little proactive about my confusion & uncertainty with regard to my herbalist. I called my old chinese herbalist, J. It was lovely to talk to her. I could share how I felt & she listened & we had a lovely conversation. She said something that stumped me a little. She told me that if we've committed to a new cycle now & have commenced taking L's herbs, then I should take them, be positive & stick with L for this cycle & not even consider changing till after its over....she said I needed to be positive now & it wasn't going to be good for me to be shopping around now or changing plans now or even thinking about it. I told her I was committed to taking the herbs still this cycle but that I was wondering where to next & she really encouraged me just to think positively for this cycle & that was what stumped me....

How do I think & feel positively after 4 miscarriages? The truth is I don't feel positive, not at all. Im quite low & down & pretty depressed...how can i be positive? Will it not work if Im not feeling positive? Will it never work then because Im never really positive about this now....how could I be?

I don't want to believe that it all comes down to my attitude or emotions now because that would mean its all my fault if it doesnt happen & the truth is.....ive been told by every practitioner (dr & alternative) that they have seen women very negative & worried who get there & others who are positive not get there so - surely positivity is not the be all & end all.....& yes - I am defensive about it because frankly it feels too hard to muster positivity right now, much too hard.

Surely for women who experience multiple miscarriages....this affects their positivity?....
A friend of mine, A has a wonderful quote...."women got pregnant in the holocaust" so if women managed to keep pregnancies in environments of torture & trauma & total genocide surely my flat affect & mood after 4 miscarriages isn't going to kill any chance i do have? or will it?

I called the other place even though J told me not to think about it till after this cycle & I made an appointment for a few weeks. It feels ok to go & see someone else & just see how it feels....in a way it feels more empowering & may slightly welcome some positivity to the equation.....maybe even that's what Im after - fresh eyes, new blood - positivity because the old feels negative....

I want to feel its still possible.
I want to feel it will happen.
I want to feel its not over.

My biopsy is clear. I wish my head was.

My RE called today. He was pleased my biopsy results were clear. A small minor part of me was pleased too but 'the supposed good news' doesn't feel so good. In a way, I would have preferred if these tests would have found the reason why I keep miscarrying & then we would have been able to treat it & we would be fine...but ofcourse thats not the scoop, its far more uncertain & scary than that.

We've decided to do another frozen cycle this cycle....& I honestly feel awful about it? These cycles don't enthuse or excite me, they fill me with dread & anxiety. Even receiving a positive result has later led to despair...so deciding to do yet another cycle feels scary & awful. I don't feel though I should wait or delay things....if I am in the supposed 'numbers game'....& waiting for the right embryo, then...I cant really afford to wait. I have no idea when or if we'll get there.

There is huge dissonance between my experience & their (the drs) story. To me the road is dark, hopeless & filled with despair. To them we are in a good category & (though they cant guarantee anything) they are sure we'll get there, eventually with clexane.....the hard part is - the chasm between those two accounts is so wide, so huge - that i cant seem to reconcile the two and Im left with "what if theyre wrong & we wont get there"

My fear & the unknown is so debilitating for me. If someone said to me "you'll have a torturous road, just torturous, you'll endure even 6,7 or 8 miscarriages but eventually you will get there" ...I'd be ok ....it is though, the uncertainty & fear that we wont get there that brings me down every time.

So I have rung the clinic & told them I'll be doing a frozen cycle this time. Im dreading it but will try to just get on with it this time-somehow if thats possible.

Tonight my friend called (the friend who is pregnant who hadn't contacted me). She had read my blog & read about my pain & disappointment. I needed to write what i wrote for me. This is, after all, my blog but it would have been pretty awful reading the words I wrote. I didn't know she read my blog. She explained why she hadn't called. She was sensitive to my situation (of course) & the conversation was nice...we are now though, in two separate worlds. We were once in the same world supporting one another to reach the other side. She is now there on the other side. In theory we can of course support one another still but in my reality we can't really - it is too painful for me to hear about & watch her joy & belly grow while I am stuck on this side. In Nikoles blog tonight she wrote that at times she is able to feel joy & no jealousy for other friends who announce their pregnancy but at other times she can't....I too have been able at times to feel peoples joy but lately havent been able to & thats just the way it is right now. For me it doesn't feel so much about jealousy. It feels more about protecting me from the intense pain & reinforcements & reminders of what I have lost & been denied.

The minute you know people (or friends) read your blog, there is an instant filter that the words pass through & i am not totally free to write what i want to write. I knew D read my blog, she has always told me. I didnt know M read it......but at the end of the day-this is my blog, an expression for me & so I will try to retain the freedom & safety I have in being anonymous to write what i want & need to write. If D & M read something they would have preferred not to read - Im apologising now for all future references.

I've been thinking more about my chinese dr & how I feel. I've been taking her herbs & to be honest I don't mind taking her herbs. I do mind going to see her, the totally inconvenient times, I mind her barking at me, I mind her telling me about the many worse cases she has helped, I mind seeing & hearing about other pregnant women.

Part of me would love to throw the whole herbs idea away but it is fear that stops me. "Where will I be without the herbs?' Then again, maybe it isnt just fear...there is a part of me that believes the herbs & acupuncture assist me, particularly the acup...but maybe its time to see someone else. Im worried about that too - the fact that i grab hold of these alternate practitioners, have so much faith in them, believe it will work, do what they say with such conviction ...& then 6 mths later or a yr later....Im over them & wanting to move on....Its been 2 yrs now & I've tried 3 practitioners. .....I've sent an email to the first who i remained on good terms with...asking her for her advice, telling her I am over my chinese herbalist. I think I'll call the second who I am also on good terms with - she was lovely but back then I'd decided to see the harder corer chinese herbalist...but now I miss my chats with J - her gentle way. I wish I could somehow take the faith I project onto these people & put it back in me...but having faith in me & my body after 4 miscarriages is hard.

Theres another place Ive read about & called closer to my work. They have early & late appointments & are open on a Sat.....maybe I should try them....maybe its ok to try different people. As you can see Im confused about this stuff.

Its bed time, thank god for bed time.

Ooops!

Ooops!
I just reread my most recent post. I had written it in a mad rush. I was wanting to get it out, to vent before I picked A up from a childs party (I didn't bother going) & was racing my post & as you can see there are dozens of typos etc.

Not good enough!

I need to vent

It's been a hard week, very very busy at work but that is good stress...but apart from that i found out that two friends are pregnant. I got my periods & they are a stranger to me. My appointment at the the chinese herbalist / acupuncturist I found horrendous when i normally find it comforting so my week was filled with different, strange, distressing experiences that left me feeling pretty awful - very low.

First - my friends. One (who i love & know reads this blog) is pregnant & the way I had to hear was hard for me. We've worked it out & it feels fine between us now but it wasn't ideal & it left me feeling low & vulnerable for a few days. Then the other.....far worse. She had undergone her first ivf cycle last mth when i got pregnant & subsequently miscarried. I always had a strong feeling she'd get pregnant immediately on ivf & told her. We'd been supporting eachother by phone & visits very regularly thru this till our 4th miscarriage & then i disconnected from communicating with almost everyone & i told her that & she understood. I knew the exact day she was to find out officially & deep down i knew she was pregnant. I could feel it. I didnt call her & nor did i hear from her. I decided I was not going to think about it but it often popped into my mind. The more time that passed, the more I knew she was pregnant. At the time when it still wasn't confirmed- I did wonder 'what would I have done had the situation been reversed?'. If I knew my friend who had suffered 4 miscarriages was extremely sensitive about this & I had meanwhile become pregnant & we were not really in communication....what would i have done????I know I would have communicated via a sensitive written note / card & placed it in her mailbox - simply & sensitively letting her know that i was pregnant & at the same time i was thinking of her pain & praying for her...something along those lines...

Then yesterday my chinese herbalist did confirm she was pregnant - & i did feel very upset that she hadn't attempted any such sensitive communication. I feel a little let down, alot actually. I know Im ultra sensitive with all this & deeply hurting that im not where they are...buit im also feeling let down.

My periods arrived too - but very different to how they usually arrive. Normally Day1 & 2 are very heavy accompanied by cramps (pretty bad) & then by Day , things are subsiding.....this time Day 1 & day 2 were light, very light & then day 3 - extremely heavy & crampy & its l like that today on day 4....Im not worried but a little wondering what this is about? If anyone else has experienced this -could you pls let me know....is it like this because this is my first period since the miscarriage? or since a biopsy?....i hope its not indicative of something not good.....

Then yesterday morning, off I went for my visit to my chinese herbalist / acupuncturist. This chinese dr is famous in sydney for fertility. Her reputation is terrific for all those women who have very difficult probs....they all seem to eventually carry healthy babies & birth them....I started going to her in Dec. She costs a lot & since Dec Ive spent about $7000 - huge i know & you get a tiny weeny fraction back. I have had enormous faith in her, more than ivf, more than any dr .....but lately the faith has been fading a little, Im finding it a little harder to swallow the herbs but till yesterday i still found her appointments comforting & supportive....I'd hold to her encouraging words & walk out feeling positive once again. Yesterday was altogether different & it wasn't just because I had my friends pregnancy confirmed.

I felt a little tired of it all, not enthusuastic to be there. When i was with her in our consult. I found myself utterly uninterested in her encouraging words. She usually tells you about lots of cases just like yours or harder that with herbs she has helped them get pregnant - & she started the pep talk but this time I interestingly observed i was bored by it, uninterested, didnt want to hear about all these other cases, i just wanted the acupuncture. She created my own concoction of herbs Im to take for the next 2 weeks & again i noticed i was not so keen or into it - the observation was marked - this was different.....what was all this meaning to me? She put the needles in me, left the room & i cried silently wanting this all over. I prayed to god & begged him to listen to me.

20 mins later, she returned, removed the needles & i cant even recall what she was saying...i was out of there already in my mind. I hurried downstairs, paid for all the herbs & ran to my car. I called A & cried.....I was confused. I'd had so much faith in her & now i felt i was feeling over it, over her, a part of me would love to let go of this but another part of me is scared to do so. But something is diffrent & i cant ignore it. If the drs are right & for me it is a numbers game & waiting till i get my chromosomally right embryo - then are the herbs for me worth taking?....we dont have a prob getting pregnant - its keeping it. I think im over her but would like to maybe find a low key acupuncturist who wont charge me the earth & doesnt have the hype she does -im sick of that.

& then there' been the stress of where to now, what now? the plan was - another frozen cycle this month, that means in about two wks, doing another transfer, two more embryos & going thru that stress, anxiety, dread, hope, despair again.....& this time what's different - - i have HUGE commitments at that very time with the new job that are so important & cant be shifted....the stress to somehow find a way of being able to disappear for a day to do the transfer feels hard.....but to put work before this feels wrong....given i dont know how long this whole thing will take....& even if we'll get there -means we cant afford to waste time....but this month will be such a stress.

So that has been my week.

Awful huh?