Tuesday, August 08, 2006

My biopsy is clear. I wish my head was.

My RE called today. He was pleased my biopsy results were clear. A small minor part of me was pleased too but 'the supposed good news' doesn't feel so good. In a way, I would have preferred if these tests would have found the reason why I keep miscarrying & then we would have been able to treat it & we would be fine...but ofcourse thats not the scoop, its far more uncertain & scary than that.

We've decided to do another frozen cycle this cycle....& I honestly feel awful about it? These cycles don't enthuse or excite me, they fill me with dread & anxiety. Even receiving a positive result has later led to despair...so deciding to do yet another cycle feels scary & awful. I don't feel though I should wait or delay things....if I am in the supposed 'numbers game'....& waiting for the right embryo, then...I cant really afford to wait. I have no idea when or if we'll get there.

There is huge dissonance between my experience & their (the drs) story. To me the road is dark, hopeless & filled with despair. To them we are in a good category & (though they cant guarantee anything) they are sure we'll get there, eventually with clexane.....the hard part is - the chasm between those two accounts is so wide, so huge - that i cant seem to reconcile the two and Im left with "what if theyre wrong & we wont get there"

My fear & the unknown is so debilitating for me. If someone said to me "you'll have a torturous road, just torturous, you'll endure even 6,7 or 8 miscarriages but eventually you will get there" ...I'd be ok ....it is though, the uncertainty & fear that we wont get there that brings me down every time.

So I have rung the clinic & told them I'll be doing a frozen cycle this time. Im dreading it but will try to just get on with it this time-somehow if thats possible.

Tonight my friend called (the friend who is pregnant who hadn't contacted me). She had read my blog & read about my pain & disappointment. I needed to write what i wrote for me. This is, after all, my blog but it would have been pretty awful reading the words I wrote. I didn't know she read my blog. She explained why she hadn't called. She was sensitive to my situation (of course) & the conversation was nice...we are now though, in two separate worlds. We were once in the same world supporting one another to reach the other side. She is now there on the other side. In theory we can of course support one another still but in my reality we can't really - it is too painful for me to hear about & watch her joy & belly grow while I am stuck on this side. In Nikoles blog tonight she wrote that at times she is able to feel joy & no jealousy for other friends who announce their pregnancy but at other times she can't....I too have been able at times to feel peoples joy but lately havent been able to & thats just the way it is right now. For me it doesn't feel so much about jealousy. It feels more about protecting me from the intense pain & reinforcements & reminders of what I have lost & been denied.

The minute you know people (or friends) read your blog, there is an instant filter that the words pass through & i am not totally free to write what i want to write. I knew D read my blog, she has always told me. I didnt know M read it......but at the end of the day-this is my blog, an expression for me & so I will try to retain the freedom & safety I have in being anonymous to write what i want & need to write. If D & M read something they would have preferred not to read - Im apologising now for all future references.

I've been thinking more about my chinese dr & how I feel. I've been taking her herbs & to be honest I don't mind taking her herbs. I do mind going to see her, the totally inconvenient times, I mind her barking at me, I mind her telling me about the many worse cases she has helped, I mind seeing & hearing about other pregnant women.

Part of me would love to throw the whole herbs idea away but it is fear that stops me. "Where will I be without the herbs?' Then again, maybe it isnt just fear...there is a part of me that believes the herbs & acupuncture assist me, particularly the acup...but maybe its time to see someone else. Im worried about that too - the fact that i grab hold of these alternate practitioners, have so much faith in them, believe it will work, do what they say with such conviction ...& then 6 mths later or a yr later....Im over them & wanting to move on....Its been 2 yrs now & I've tried 3 practitioners. .....I've sent an email to the first who i remained on good terms with...asking her for her advice, telling her I am over my chinese herbalist. I think I'll call the second who I am also on good terms with - she was lovely but back then I'd decided to see the harder corer chinese herbalist...but now I miss my chats with J - her gentle way. I wish I could somehow take the faith I project onto these people & put it back in me...but having faith in me & my body after 4 miscarriages is hard.

Theres another place Ive read about & called closer to my work. They have early & late appointments & are open on a Sat.....maybe I should try them....maybe its ok to try different people. As you can see Im confused about this stuff.

Its bed time, thank god for bed time.


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12:38 AM  
Blogger Stephanie said...

It is always so hard. you want something to fix, but you don't really want something to be wrong.

and my assvice commnet of the day. I would go to the practitioner that made me comfortable. I have no idea if my accupuncturist/TCM doc is the best, but I look forward to seeing him, he is very encouraging. I think it would defeat the purpose (for me) if I were stressed about going to see him.

1:05 AM  
Anonymous Nikole said...

It is so hard to hold onto hope, after all you have been through. Those hurdles can feel insurmountable at times--always waiting for the ball to drop at the next second. I agree with you about the numbers game, and that if I knew that in the end, I would be successful. It's so hard to not know.

I think that working with a practitioner that you feel comfortable and confident is so important, and I hope you can decide which factors are most important in your decision.

It's funny that you mention "the censor" in this post, because I have recently had my first experience where I want to blog about something but don't feel like I can because of who is reading. Im trying to come up with a post about this, but it's taking me a long time.

Sending you lots of big hugs.

12:01 AM  
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12:28 PM  

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