Monday, August 14, 2006

More flu & other weird & wonderful phenomena....

Well the flu well & truly set in, achy, swollen glands, teary eyes, runny, blocked nose -the works & I didnt resist the nose drops - i figured the sanity I needed by breathing & hence sleeping was worth more to me than the possible affect on my ovulation & today i didnt go to work & i wont go in tomorrow either....ive watched good dvds but generally ive been feeling so lousy. A has really been looking after me, yummy home made soup & yummy organic muffins....only in the last year, since in fact we've experienced the miscarriages, A suddenly took on house husband role & boy hes good at it. A year ago, he never would have bothered cooking but now he goes searching thru the cookbooks & delivers very delicious heartwarming food.

But onto more serious issues at hand. I made my way coughing & spluttering into the clinic this am & its day 13 & im no where near ovulation as yet....its quite strange that this month & last mth I ovulated so late. Last mth it made sense as the first month after my miscarriage but this mth too seems to be really later.....going on my ultrasound this am, it looks as though I wont ovulate for another 4 days or so which will mean transfer isnt till 5 days later. Theres a huge day at work next Wed which will be sooooooooooo stressful to get out of if transfer is then & knowing my luck it will at this stage im praying for tues or thurs but pls not wed.

My chinese herbalist gave me a very specific type of herb to take for 4 days before i ovulate. As i expected to ovulate around day 15, she told me to start this herb on day 11 & keep it going till 15, then stop & continue with the other till transfer day day 20. She gave me a little less than was needed & told me to make it now, that timeline is all wrong & theres not enough herbs to last till i ovulate or transfer day....i could go back & see her & get more but i really cant face it so im going to just do the best i can & if i run out, i run out (but she did say to me..'whatever you do, dont run out'....oh well... you get that).

Theres been a lot going on in my processing space....since Jills decision to adopt, I wrote earlier that I was very confronted by this & needed to look at this & i guess in my own private way, I have started to do that....i don't feel ready at this stage to write about whats come up for me....maybe i will at a later date but I am ready to share one quite huge decision I have made.....

For it to make total sense on a deep level though....I need to go back to another time. My mum was dying. It was about 8 or 9 days before she died. We were intensely, psychically connected in the most profound way & I believed (& still do) we had been connected for lifetimes. I was intensely dealing with the fact she was dying & we were both together processing all there was to process & there was a was all the emotional work we needed to do to get to the place where she could let go. One night late at home, after spending hours & hours at the hospital, I lay awake, wide awake & had an experience that for me felt like an epiphany, you know those moments of clarity that when you have them, you know they are more than just clarity - they are divine communication, a glimpse with god..something like that....well that night, what i'd realised or learnt was, that a long time ago, my soul & my mothers soul had made a pact - & that pact was that she would bring me into the world & in return I would look after her. And all her life after I was born & all my life I did look after her & now that she was wanting & ready to die, I no longer needed to look after her. That sounds quite simple but the significance was the exact timing. I was only going to be allowed to see that & realise that knowing in the moment when i no longer needed to look after her. Suddenly our pact was made aware to me & it was the surest thing I knew. I cried & cried that night knowing I had only been allowed to know this as she was days away from dying but at the same time it filled me with a warmth & a godliness...there was a plan, a knowing, a deeper bigger picture...i was sure of it.

The next morning I raced early to the hospital & told her my experience & she knew it was right. For her it resonated loudly - the way things do when there is truth. & she said to me "it makes perfect sense, it is true because its funny but even when you were a baby, you have looked after me emotionally & energetically"(she didnt actually use the words energetically but i put it there). In our volatile difficult family life I looked after her totally & absolutely.....anyway....years while I experience this different process, there is a similarity - a clarity, a knowing that has come to me that feels alive in the same way.

When we first started miscarrying & I thought about / feared the possibility of having to be told we'd need an egg donor, I thought about the idea of being an egg donor myself & wished I'd completed my family in my twenties & could now donate my eggs to some couple in our situation....but i also thought easy it is to say 'I would have done it' or 'i would have liked to do it'.....& now I've been thinking of adoption. Among many issues I've faced & will look at & process, one of the big ones for me & the potential child is the fact of having to do it. I imagined a conversation with a little person years from now when they ask me about why I adopted them & I would tell them honestly that I had many miscarriages & couldnt carry a child & we wanted a child so much that we adopted them & then i imagined the little person experienced profound pain...not only were they given up by their biological mother but their adoptive mother didnt really want them either....she would have preferred her own kids.....& that made me think about the 'choice' around it & how we have till now set up a scenario where we will do all we can to have our own children & only if we can't will we then adopt....& then i thought about my desire to give away my eggs had i completed my family & been younger etc & thats when my divine clarity came to fantasy is this: it is at this stage only a fantasy.... I don't deny it, I would love to have A's children but after we've had 2 of our own, I would love to adopt an international child - not because we have to but because we can for that child - that is my fantasy. It is a choice then, it is a thank you & it so more than that - but the other are harder to articulate.

Obviously, its a day by day process at this stage....who knows where we will find ourselves but somewhere deep inside of me, a commitments been made.

There are significant other issues Im looking at re adoption & Im sure I'll talk about these as I feel more ok to do so but for me now...the important thing is I'm going there...deep inside to look at these issues....I'm not rushing in but putting each toe in explore....


Blogger Stephanie said...

womb-Maybe the flu has delayed your ovulation?

wonderful story about your mum.

I have thought alot about adoption as well. If I do get a baby out of this pregnancy, I just don't see myself doing this again, but i want more than one child. or I think I do...

Best of luck with this cycle!

11:59 PM  
Anonymous Nikole said...

Like stephanie, I wonder if the flu put off ovulation?

Thanks for sharing more about your mother and her death. These posts are so beautiful and intensely sad, and a wonderful way to honor your relationship with her.

Take the exploration of adoption as slowly as you need to.


9:17 PM  

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