I need to vent

It's been a hard week, very very busy at work but that is good stress...but apart from that i found out that two friends are pregnant. I got my periods & they are a stranger to me. My appointment at the the chinese herbalist / acupuncturist I found horrendous when i normally find it comforting so my week was filled with different, strange, distressing experiences that left me feeling pretty awful - very low.

First - my friends. One (who i love & know reads this blog) is pregnant & the way I had to hear was hard for me. We've worked it out & it feels fine between us now but it wasn't ideal & it left me feeling low & vulnerable for a few days. Then the other.....far worse. She had undergone her first ivf cycle last mth when i got pregnant & subsequently miscarried. I always had a strong feeling she'd get pregnant immediately on ivf & told her. We'd been supporting eachother by phone & visits very regularly thru this till our 4th miscarriage & then i disconnected from communicating with almost everyone & i told her that & she understood. I knew the exact day she was to find out officially & deep down i knew she was pregnant. I could feel it. I didnt call her & nor did i hear from her. I decided I was not going to think about it but it often popped into my mind. The more time that passed, the more I knew she was pregnant. At the time when it still wasn't confirmed- I did wonder 'what would I have done had the situation been reversed?'. If I knew my friend who had suffered 4 miscarriages was extremely sensitive about this & I had meanwhile become pregnant & we were not really in communication....what would i have done????I know I would have communicated via a sensitive written note / card & placed it in her mailbox - simply & sensitively letting her know that i was pregnant & at the same time i was thinking of her pain & praying for her...something along those lines...

Then yesterday my chinese herbalist did confirm she was pregnant - & i did feel very upset that she hadn't attempted any such sensitive communication. I feel a little let down, alot actually. I know Im ultra sensitive with all this & deeply hurting that im not where they are...buit im also feeling let down.

My periods arrived too - but very different to how they usually arrive. Normally Day1 & 2 are very heavy accompanied by cramps (pretty bad) & then by Day , things are subsiding.....this time Day 1 & day 2 were light, very light & then day 3 - extremely heavy & crampy & its l like that today on day 4....Im not worried but a little wondering what this is about? If anyone else has experienced this -could you pls let me know....is it like this because this is my first period since the miscarriage? or since a biopsy?....i hope its not indicative of something not good.....

Then yesterday morning, off I went for my visit to my chinese herbalist / acupuncturist. This chinese dr is famous in sydney for fertility. Her reputation is terrific for all those women who have very difficult probs....they all seem to eventually carry healthy babies & birth them....I started going to her in Dec. She costs a lot & since Dec Ive spent about $7000 - huge i know & you get a tiny weeny fraction back. I have had enormous faith in her, more than ivf, more than any dr .....but lately the faith has been fading a little, Im finding it a little harder to swallow the herbs but till yesterday i still found her appointments comforting & supportive....I'd hold to her encouraging words & walk out feeling positive once again. Yesterday was altogether different & it wasn't just because I had my friends pregnancy confirmed.

I felt a little tired of it all, not enthusuastic to be there. When i was with her in our consult. I found myself utterly uninterested in her encouraging words. She usually tells you about lots of cases just like yours or harder that with herbs she has helped them get pregnant - & she started the pep talk but this time I interestingly observed i was bored by it, uninterested, didnt want to hear about all these other cases, i just wanted the acupuncture. She created my own concoction of herbs Im to take for the next 2 weeks & again i noticed i was not so keen or into it - the observation was marked - this was different.....what was all this meaning to me? She put the needles in me, left the room & i cried silently wanting this all over. I prayed to god & begged him to listen to me.

20 mins later, she returned, removed the needles & i cant even recall what she was saying...i was out of there already in my mind. I hurried downstairs, paid for all the herbs & ran to my car. I called A & cried.....I was confused. I'd had so much faith in her & now i felt i was feeling over it, over her, a part of me would love to let go of this but another part of me is scared to do so. But something is diffrent & i cant ignore it. If the drs are right & for me it is a numbers game & waiting till i get my chromosomally right embryo - then are the herbs for me worth taking?....we dont have a prob getting pregnant - its keeping it. I think im over her but would like to maybe find a low key acupuncturist who wont charge me the earth & doesnt have the hype she does -im sick of that.

& then there' been the stress of where to now, what now? the plan was - another frozen cycle this month, that means in about two wks, doing another transfer, two more embryos & going thru that stress, anxiety, dread, hope, despair again.....& this time what's different - - i have HUGE commitments at that very time with the new job that are so important & cant be shifted....the stress to somehow find a way of being able to disappear for a day to do the transfer feels hard.....but to put work before this feels wrong....given i dont know how long this whole thing will take....& even if we'll get there -means we cant afford to waste time....but this month will be such a stress.

So that has been my week.

Awful huh?