Saturday, August 05, 2006

I need to vent

It's been a hard week, very very busy at work but that is good stress...but apart from that i found out that two friends are pregnant. I got my periods & they are a stranger to me. My appointment at the the chinese herbalist / acupuncturist I found horrendous when i normally find it comforting so my week was filled with different, strange, distressing experiences that left me feeling pretty awful - very low.

First - my friends. One (who i love & know reads this blog) is pregnant & the way I had to hear was hard for me. We've worked it out & it feels fine between us now but it wasn't ideal & it left me feeling low & vulnerable for a few days. Then the other.....far worse. She had undergone her first ivf cycle last mth when i got pregnant & subsequently miscarried. I always had a strong feeling she'd get pregnant immediately on ivf & told her. We'd been supporting eachother by phone & visits very regularly thru this till our 4th miscarriage & then i disconnected from communicating with almost everyone & i told her that & she understood. I knew the exact day she was to find out officially & deep down i knew she was pregnant. I could feel it. I didnt call her & nor did i hear from her. I decided I was not going to think about it but it often popped into my mind. The more time that passed, the more I knew she was pregnant. At the time when it still wasn't confirmed- I did wonder 'what would I have done had the situation been reversed?'. If I knew my friend who had suffered 4 miscarriages was extremely sensitive about this & I had meanwhile become pregnant & we were not really in communication....what would i have done????I know I would have communicated via a sensitive written note / card & placed it in her mailbox - simply & sensitively letting her know that i was pregnant & at the same time i was thinking of her pain & praying for her...something along those lines...

Then yesterday my chinese herbalist did confirm she was pregnant - & i did feel very upset that she hadn't attempted any such sensitive communication. I feel a little let down, alot actually. I know Im ultra sensitive with all this & deeply hurting that im not where they are...buit im also feeling let down.

My periods arrived too - but very different to how they usually arrive. Normally Day1 & 2 are very heavy accompanied by cramps (pretty bad) & then by Day , things are subsiding.....this time Day 1 & day 2 were light, very light & then day 3 - extremely heavy & crampy & its l like that today on day 4....Im not worried but a little wondering what this is about? If anyone else has experienced this -could you pls let me it like this because this is my first period since the miscarriage? or since a biopsy?....i hope its not indicative of something not good.....

Then yesterday morning, off I went for my visit to my chinese herbalist / acupuncturist. This chinese dr is famous in sydney for fertility. Her reputation is terrific for all those women who have very difficult probs....they all seem to eventually carry healthy babies & birth them....I started going to her in Dec. She costs a lot & since Dec Ive spent about $7000 - huge i know & you get a tiny weeny fraction back. I have had enormous faith in her, more than ivf, more than any dr .....but lately the faith has been fading a little, Im finding it a little harder to swallow the herbs but till yesterday i still found her appointments comforting & supportive....I'd hold to her encouraging words & walk out feeling positive once again. Yesterday was altogether different & it wasn't just because I had my friends pregnancy confirmed.

I felt a little tired of it all, not enthusuastic to be there. When i was with her in our consult. I found myself utterly uninterested in her encouraging words. She usually tells you about lots of cases just like yours or harder that with herbs she has helped them get pregnant - & she started the pep talk but this time I interestingly observed i was bored by it, uninterested, didnt want to hear about all these other cases, i just wanted the acupuncture. She created my own concoction of herbs Im to take for the next 2 weeks & again i noticed i was not so keen or into it - the observation was marked - this was different.....what was all this meaning to me? She put the needles in me, left the room & i cried silently wanting this all over. I prayed to god & begged him to listen to me.

20 mins later, she returned, removed the needles & i cant even recall what she was saying...i was out of there already in my mind. I hurried downstairs, paid for all the herbs & ran to my car. I called A & cried.....I was confused. I'd had so much faith in her & now i felt i was feeling over it, over her, a part of me would love to let go of this but another part of me is scared to do so. But something is diffrent & i cant ignore it. If the drs are right & for me it is a numbers game & waiting till i get my chromosomally right embryo - then are the herbs for me worth taking?....we dont have a prob getting pregnant - its keeping it. I think im over her but would like to maybe find a low key acupuncturist who wont charge me the earth & doesnt have the hype she does -im sick of that.

& then there' been the stress of where to now, what now? the plan was - another frozen cycle this month, that means in about two wks, doing another transfer, two more embryos & going thru that stress, anxiety, dread, hope, despair again.....& this time what's different - - i have HUGE commitments at that very time with the new job that are so important & cant be shifted....the stress to somehow find a way of being able to disappear for a day to do the transfer feels hard.....but to put work before this feels wrong....given i dont know how long this whole thing will take....& even if we'll get there -means we cant afford to waste time....but this month will be such a stress.

So that has been my week.

Awful huh?


Blogger sube said...

That does sound like an awful week. It's so hard to lose faith in the things that have sustained you in the past (friendship, accupuncture, etc). Add that to the work stress, and it can get pretty overwhelming. I know you said you're running out of time, but is there any chance you could take a little break before your next cycle? Maybe just a month to focus on yourself?

Hope you're feeling better today. Hugs.

3:35 AM  
Anonymous Nikole said...

I'm so sorry that I haven't responded to this post earlier. Things have been so, so hectic with work, and I'm just catching up on all of my reading.

It sounds like you have had a difficult week, filled with disappointments and reminders of the sadness that you are right in the middle of.

I think it's so important to trust your instincts. If you have a feeling that you should try a new acupuncturist or even take a break from it, that's okay, no matter how famous or well-known this woman is. I think feeling really comfortable and confident in what we're pursuing is a huge part of how we feel about this whole process in general.

I hope you are feeling a bit better now. I wish I could give you a big hug.


10:35 AM  
Anonymous Libra Litrou said...

Interesting stuff here.


Libra Litrou

3:36 AM  

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