Wednesday, August 09, 2006

How do i feel positive again?

Today I was a little proactive about my confusion & uncertainty with regard to my herbalist. I called my old chinese herbalist, J. It was lovely to talk to her. I could share how I felt & she listened & we had a lovely conversation. She said something that stumped me a little. She told me that if we've committed to a new cycle now & have commenced taking L's herbs, then I should take them, be positive & stick with L for this cycle & not even consider changing till after its over....she said I needed to be positive now & it wasn't going to be good for me to be shopping around now or changing plans now or even thinking about it. I told her I was committed to taking the herbs still this cycle but that I was wondering where to next & she really encouraged me just to think positively for this cycle & that was what stumped me....

How do I think & feel positively after 4 miscarriages? The truth is I don't feel positive, not at all. Im quite low & down & pretty depressed...how can i be positive? Will it not work if Im not feeling positive? Will it never work then because Im never really positive about this now....how could I be?

I don't want to believe that it all comes down to my attitude or emotions now because that would mean its all my fault if it doesnt happen & the truth is.....ive been told by every practitioner (dr & alternative) that they have seen women very negative & worried who get there & others who are positive not get there so - surely positivity is not the be all & end all.....& yes - I am defensive about it because frankly it feels too hard to muster positivity right now, much too hard.

Surely for women who experience multiple miscarriages....this affects their positivity?....
A friend of mine, A has a wonderful quote...."women got pregnant in the holocaust" so if women managed to keep pregnancies in environments of torture & trauma & total genocide surely my flat affect & mood after 4 miscarriages isn't going to kill any chance i do have? or will it?

I called the other place even though J told me not to think about it till after this cycle & I made an appointment for a few weeks. It feels ok to go & see someone else & just see how it feels....in a way it feels more empowering & may slightly welcome some positivity to the equation.....maybe even that's what Im after - fresh eyes, new blood - positivity because the old feels negative....

I want to feel its still possible.
I want to feel it will happen.
I want to feel its not over.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Kath said...

Dear Womb, I am so very sorry I've been absent for so long. I have missed all your tests, and now you are embarking on a new cycle.

Putting yourself under pressure to feel positive again will only add to your huge burden. I think a "head-down-let's-get-through-this" attitude is the most one can hope for after what you've been through. (That's not to say it wouldn't be good if you experienced patches of calm and positivity too -- but I don't think that has ANY effect on the outcome.) Do what you need to do to get through this, my dear.

6:24 PM  
Anonymous Nikole said...

I have really struggled with this in the past--feeling like I had to maintain a positive attitude filled with hope or it wouldn't work. Now I feel completely differently, for the reasons you mentioned. I agree with Kath on the head-down-let's-get-through-this" attitude. You need to do and feel and act however you need to to get through this.

much love...

12:05 AM  
Anonymous Jill said...

I found it very hard to be positive about fertility and pregnancy as the miscarriages racked up, so you're not alone there. Try not to beat yourself up about it, though. There are plenty of recurrent miscarriers who feel discouraged and yet still get pregnant and carry to term...and I hope you will be one of them.

6:27 AM  
Blogger FIREWIFE said...

Dear Womb,
I found your blog through Darla's. My dh and I have been trying for 10 long years. I can't even begin to tell you how many tears, hopes and fears we've shed. We have seen 3 different doctors, and have had many many tests done. We had a miscarriage this year, in our 2nd month. I don't understand things like this, and I get frustrated when people tell me "oh just relax" or "adopt, then you'll have a baby" and many more HELPFUL tips from those who've never experienced the emptiness. I will continue to read your blog and I'd like it if you read mine. You are in my prayers........
Waiting & Hoping,
Trish

2:32 PM  

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