Here we go again
And at the end of another frenetic week....I was booked in for our embryo transfer. My psychic preparation included self talk around the fact that the most i can hope for is a head down, bum up 2 week wait. I dont want to be investing huge positivity into this cycle....firstly because its almost an impossibility & secondly because i cant bare the trauma at the other end.....so ive been trying to persuade me to be as disengaged as I can be, detached & stay busy.....that must sound extremely negative...in reality its not...we are complex creatures & on one level somewhere ofcourse I was going to be secretly praying it would work but for the most part i needed to survive.....
And Fri arrived before I knew it. I was working as efficiently as possible before heading off to the pre transfer acupuncture. I participated in the acup & session with a little more detachment. I was not hanging onto each word she says. I wasn't interested in her other success stories. I wanted my acup, my herbs & I wanted out of there.....it wasn't so bad. Ive certainly distanced from her & that feels good. Ive been writing that she no longer was meeting my every need & I've been consciously opening myself up to other practitioners who fit in to my lifestyle & new approach....& this afternoon was the first act of this new energy materialised. My transfer was later than previous attempts. I was booked in for 3.30. On a Fri, Im aware my acupuncturist likes to leave early...so I rang around & miraculously got a 5pm appt with an old acupuncturist who had a cancellation....I felt relieved....I was told by the receptionist it was a miracle...it felt right.
We arrived at the clinic & the embryologist greeted us with disappointing news. We'd had 5 embryos in the freezer. To me...that meant, 2 f0r this cycle, 2 for another cycle if need be (& one left over) till another stimulated cycle. My estimations were wrong. The first embryo thawed beautifully & was surviving well. The second embryo didnt survive the thaw. The third embryo thawed well but in the next few hours awaiting the transfer the cells degenerated significantly...so we had a choice to make...do we put in the two that were thawed...allbeit one of them was degenerating as we spk or do we thaw again....we umm'ed & aah'ed, liaised with our RE & decided to thaw another.....& so we all waited another hour for our second embryo. The degenerated one was discarded which i felt soooo uncomfortable about. My intuition was to put them both in & thaw another anyway so put 3 back but apparently legislation prevents a transfer of 3. I asked our RE the million dollar question..."what would you do, if it were you?"...He was clear he would give this cycle the best chance & so we thawed another.....an hour later....by which time, I'd thoroughly investigated the lab equipment, understood the process in the kind of detail i like...we were ready....the new embryo was doing very well & we proceeded.....they were in at 4.30ish.
A had to go to work & I calmly drove to my new (old) acupuncturist. The visit was relaxed & thorough. I wasn't barked at. The clinic was quiet & peaceful. I slept peacefully.
So they are in.....Im trying to remain as detached as I can but already I feel how hard that is.....Im choosing not to discuss it. Im choosing to keep busy, distracted & stimulated. Ofcourse Im praying all will work out but Im not even going there.....its far too painful.....so that is it......here we go again.
And Fri arrived before I knew it. I was working as efficiently as possible before heading off to the pre transfer acupuncture. I participated in the acup & session with a little more detachment. I was not hanging onto each word she says. I wasn't interested in her other success stories. I wanted my acup, my herbs & I wanted out of there.....it wasn't so bad. Ive certainly distanced from her & that feels good. Ive been writing that she no longer was meeting my every need & I've been consciously opening myself up to other practitioners who fit in to my lifestyle & new approach....& this afternoon was the first act of this new energy materialised. My transfer was later than previous attempts. I was booked in for 3.30. On a Fri, Im aware my acupuncturist likes to leave early...so I rang around & miraculously got a 5pm appt with an old acupuncturist who had a cancellation....I felt relieved....I was told by the receptionist it was a miracle...it felt right.
We arrived at the clinic & the embryologist greeted us with disappointing news. We'd had 5 embryos in the freezer. To me...that meant, 2 f0r this cycle, 2 for another cycle if need be (& one left over) till another stimulated cycle. My estimations were wrong. The first embryo thawed beautifully & was surviving well. The second embryo didnt survive the thaw. The third embryo thawed well but in the next few hours awaiting the transfer the cells degenerated significantly...so we had a choice to make...do we put in the two that were thawed...allbeit one of them was degenerating as we spk or do we thaw again....we umm'ed & aah'ed, liaised with our RE & decided to thaw another.....& so we all waited another hour for our second embryo. The degenerated one was discarded which i felt soooo uncomfortable about. My intuition was to put them both in & thaw another anyway so put 3 back but apparently legislation prevents a transfer of 3. I asked our RE the million dollar question..."what would you do, if it were you?"...He was clear he would give this cycle the best chance & so we thawed another.....an hour later....by which time, I'd thoroughly investigated the lab equipment, understood the process in the kind of detail i like...we were ready....the new embryo was doing very well & we proceeded.....they were in at 4.30ish.
A had to go to work & I calmly drove to my new (old) acupuncturist. The visit was relaxed & thorough. I wasn't barked at. The clinic was quiet & peaceful. I slept peacefully.
So they are in.....Im trying to remain as detached as I can but already I feel how hard that is.....Im choosing not to discuss it. Im choosing to keep busy, distracted & stimulated. Ofcourse Im praying all will work out but Im not even going there.....its far too painful.....so that is it......here we go again.
posted by Nicky at 12:26 PM
4 Comments:
Best of luck to you.
Must be such a nerve-wracking time, so I will send all my positive vibes for both a sucessful transfer and also your sanity during the waiting time.
Stay strong!
I wish you all the best at this time of obvious turmoil. Good luck, good luck, good luck a thousand times. I pray it works for you. I pray you experience peace that surpasses all understanding.
Sounds like you've got two good ones in there, which is great. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other if that's all you can do for now. It's all you need to do.
Good luck! I hope the 2ww isn't too difficult!
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