Lightness, Challenge & Mum.
And I finally ovulated...very late....either yesterday or today....day 19 or 20.....odd isn't it?. I've been going in every two days & then every day for bloods & ultrasounds. The clinic said I ovulated yesterday but i really felt it was today, I had the sharp 'o' pains & the bloat that comes & really felt it was today....who knows...anyway - they've decided - embryo transfer is Fri....so here we go again.
I'm feeling quite light, have been laughing a lot & have noticed the obsessed, depressed, painful part of me & this process is not at the forefront of my heart & mind. It's obviously there because the thought of calling my pregnant friend in Melb feels way too painful & hard...but as far as my day-day world goes here - life is (thank god) lighter & a tad easier. My job is a god send. Im very busy, but loving it & distracted & stimulated & hence I don't obsess about this stuff all day.
I'm still very selective about what Im doing & where Im going (as in socially), but there are quite a few people I can enjoy & be light with.....they are not the friends I've been intensely sharing every painful moment of this process with....they know whats going on & we obviously talk about it openly & honestly but our interaction feels a little more open & theres room & space for other & I've noticed thats what I'm comfortable with right now....back a few months ago, it felt like every chat with a close friend related to the minute details of this process & I contributed to that as much as they did - but the process has shifted for me & I no longer wish to sit & talk about it incessantly & intensely ...in fact it feels unhelpful, boring & monotonous so for now Im taking space from those friends & enjoying other connections...we are still laying low but I've certainbly emerged from our bomb shelter & enjoying spring. Yesterday I worked & to work on a Sun would have been unheard but I actually enjoyed it & laughed a lot. & Sat I enjoyed retail therapy - it hit the spot. Spring is here almost & the days are warmer & its a new season....i can feel it.
So - my lightness feels important & I recognise it will be a huge challenge to maintain this lightness thru my embryo transfer & 2ww. I so hope I can remain disengaged to a degree & detached as I am now but I know that will be almost impossible & whatever happens is ok. It has to be.
But I am aware my energy has changed & things are lighter. Im not as focused & rigid with my herbs, infact theyre rating lower in my 'must do's'., Im loving my job & would happily be there for some time yet, Im opening my emotional landscape to otherness (more on this later) & just feel lighter.
Tomorrow is my beloved Mummys 8oth b'day. I can't believe if she were here - she'd be 80. I used to make a huge fuss of her b'days, take the day off work, pick her up for a gorgeous indulgent breakfast, shower her with gifts, more meals, more fun, movies, shopping, galleries, etc.....it was a very deliberate treat as my dad didnt treat & spoil her & i desperately wanted to....it was a special day for both of us & i miss doing that, spoiling my beloved mummy on her b'day.
It is also my friends b'day, D. So at this stage, a few of us will meet in the evening to have a brief celebration.
Wherever you are my darling mum, I wish I could celebrate with you tomorrow. I wish I could drive up in the morning & see you waiting at the sunroom window for my car. I wish I could hug & kiss you & spoil you & shower you with me & gifts & make you feel as loved as you were & still are. You never made it to 80 mum, only to 76 but to me you were ageless, you will be 76 forever now & you will keep growing with me too. I adore you mummy.
I'm feeling quite light, have been laughing a lot & have noticed the obsessed, depressed, painful part of me & this process is not at the forefront of my heart & mind. It's obviously there because the thought of calling my pregnant friend in Melb feels way too painful & hard...but as far as my day-day world goes here - life is (thank god) lighter & a tad easier. My job is a god send. Im very busy, but loving it & distracted & stimulated & hence I don't obsess about this stuff all day.
I'm still very selective about what Im doing & where Im going (as in socially), but there are quite a few people I can enjoy & be light with.....they are not the friends I've been intensely sharing every painful moment of this process with....they know whats going on & we obviously talk about it openly & honestly but our interaction feels a little more open & theres room & space for other & I've noticed thats what I'm comfortable with right now....back a few months ago, it felt like every chat with a close friend related to the minute details of this process & I contributed to that as much as they did - but the process has shifted for me & I no longer wish to sit & talk about it incessantly & intensely ...in fact it feels unhelpful, boring & monotonous so for now Im taking space from those friends & enjoying other connections...we are still laying low but I've certainbly emerged from our bomb shelter & enjoying spring. Yesterday I worked & to work on a Sun would have been unheard but I actually enjoyed it & laughed a lot. & Sat I enjoyed retail therapy - it hit the spot. Spring is here almost & the days are warmer & its a new season....i can feel it.
So - my lightness feels important & I recognise it will be a huge challenge to maintain this lightness thru my embryo transfer & 2ww. I so hope I can remain disengaged to a degree & detached as I am now but I know that will be almost impossible & whatever happens is ok. It has to be.
But I am aware my energy has changed & things are lighter. Im not as focused & rigid with my herbs, infact theyre rating lower in my 'must do's'., Im loving my job & would happily be there for some time yet, Im opening my emotional landscape to otherness (more on this later) & just feel lighter.
Tomorrow is my beloved Mummys 8oth b'day. I can't believe if she were here - she'd be 80. I used to make a huge fuss of her b'days, take the day off work, pick her up for a gorgeous indulgent breakfast, shower her with gifts, more meals, more fun, movies, shopping, galleries, etc.....it was a very deliberate treat as my dad didnt treat & spoil her & i desperately wanted to....it was a special day for both of us & i miss doing that, spoiling my beloved mummy on her b'day.
It is also my friends b'day, D. So at this stage, a few of us will meet in the evening to have a brief celebration.
Wherever you are my darling mum, I wish I could celebrate with you tomorrow. I wish I could drive up in the morning & see you waiting at the sunroom window for my car. I wish I could hug & kiss you & spoil you & shower you with me & gifts & make you feel as loved as you were & still are. You never made it to 80 mum, only to 76 but to me you were ageless, you will be 76 forever now & you will keep growing with me too. I adore you mummy.
posted by Nicky at 8:25 PM
2 Comments:
I am so very glad you are feeling lighter - remember that feeling when the dreadfulness of the 2ww encroaches. But v. glad to hear that you are staying busy and not obsessing - I feel that's so important.
Happy birthday to your mum and friend D. Hugs to you as you get through this bittersweet day.
Love to you-
Your last paragraph about your mother brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry that she's gone and that you no longer can celebrate her birthday together.
On a brighter note, I'm happy to hear that you are feeling lighter. I hope that feeling continues, and I wish you all the best with this cycle.
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