Monday, August 21, 2006

Lightness, Challenge & Mum.

And I finally ovulated...very late....either yesterday or today....day 19 or 20.....odd isn't it?. I've been going in every two days & then every day for bloods & ultrasounds. The clinic said I ovulated yesterday but i really felt it was today, I had the sharp 'o' pains & the bloat that comes & really felt it was today....who knows...anyway - they've decided - embryo transfer is Fri....so here we go again.

I'm feeling quite light, have been laughing a lot & have noticed the obsessed, depressed, painful part of me & this process is not at the forefront of my heart & mind. It's obviously there because the thought of calling my pregnant friend in Melb feels way too painful & hard...but as far as my day-day world goes here - life is (thank god) lighter & a tad easier. My job is a god send. Im very busy, but loving it & distracted & stimulated & hence I don't obsess about this stuff all day.

I'm still very selective about what Im doing & where Im going (as in socially), but there are quite a few people I can enjoy & be light with.....they are not the friends I've been intensely sharing every painful moment of this process with....they know whats going on & we obviously talk about it openly & honestly but our interaction feels a little more open & theres room & space for other & I've noticed thats what I'm comfortable with right now....back a few months ago, it felt like every chat with a close friend related to the minute details of this process & I contributed to that as much as they did - but the process has shifted for me & I no longer wish to sit & talk about it incessantly & intensely ...in fact it feels unhelpful, boring & monotonous so for now Im taking space from those friends & enjoying other connections...we are still laying low but I've certainbly emerged from our bomb shelter & enjoying spring. Yesterday I worked & to work on a Sun would have been unheard but I actually enjoyed it & laughed a lot. & Sat I enjoyed retail therapy - it hit the spot. Spring is here almost & the days are warmer & its a new season....i can feel it.

So - my lightness feels important & I recognise it will be a huge challenge to maintain this lightness thru my embryo transfer & 2ww. I so hope I can remain disengaged to a degree & detached as I am now but I know that will be almost impossible & whatever happens is ok. It has to be.

But I am aware my energy has changed & things are lighter. Im not as focused & rigid with my herbs, infact theyre rating lower in my 'must do's'., Im loving my job & would happily be there for some time yet, Im opening my emotional landscape to otherness (more on this later) & just feel lighter.

Tomorrow is my beloved Mummys 8oth b'day. I can't believe if she were here - she'd be 80. I used to make a huge fuss of her b'days, take the day off work, pick her up for a gorgeous indulgent breakfast, shower her with gifts, more meals, more fun, movies, shopping, galleries, etc.....it was a very deliberate treat as my dad didnt treat & spoil her & i desperately wanted to....it was a special day for both of us & i miss doing that, spoiling my beloved mummy on her b'day.

It is also my friends b'day, D. So at this stage, a few of us will meet in the evening to have a brief celebration.

Wherever you are my darling mum, I wish I could celebrate with you tomorrow. I wish I could drive up in the morning & see you waiting at the sunroom window for my car. I wish I could hug & kiss you & spoil you & shower you with me & gifts & make you feel as loved as you were & still are. You never made it to 80 mum, only to 76 but to me you were ageless, you will be 76 forever now & you will keep growing with me too. I adore you mummy.

2 Comments:

Blogger serenity said...

I am so very glad you are feeling lighter - remember that feeling when the dreadfulness of the 2ww encroaches. But v. glad to hear that you are staying busy and not obsessing - I feel that's so important.

Happy birthday to your mum and friend D. Hugs to you as you get through this bittersweet day.

Love to you-

9:48 PM  
Anonymous Jill said...

Your last paragraph about your mother brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry that she's gone and that you no longer can celebrate her birthday together.

On a brighter note, I'm happy to hear that you are feeling lighter. I hope that feeling continues, and I wish you all the best with this cycle.

1:15 AM  

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