So Nervous.....

The joy from Thursday is wearing off ...& the anxiety & trepidation have settled in. Don't get me wrong - of course we are joyful & cautiously optimistic but so aware there is still 5 weeks ahead of risky time & we are very nervous. Last night I hardly slept & at 2am, i suddenly had quite bad cramps, thet felt exactly like period cramps....i recalled this from earlier pregnancies & was told it is normal unless its really severe & accompanied by bleeding but it was enough to cause concern. Today this afternoon i had cramps again.....& its enough to make me worried.

I've looked it up on the net & spoken to a few people & all have said it is at this stage normal. Today i felt seedy too. Im on chinese herbs which could be assisting with nausea but i havent had full on morning sickness - i know thats not necessarily a bad sign but at this stage ...im anxious.

This period is so filled with anxiety & dread & hope & prayer.....one minute im feeling positive, the next, terrified....im all over the place......

I want to thank you all for your ongoing support, joy & prayer...i really believe the collective prayer from all our friends & you guys in blog land has helped enormously.

Mon is the holiest day of the jewish yr -yom kippur. It is a day of atonement where we fast from sun nite sunset to mon nite sun set. Every yr as a child my mother would bake delicious, divine ritual foods that we only ate this time of yr & we would ceremoniously break our fast with them. They are foods that her mother made & all my matriarchs made before me. Today A & I baked some of these & tomorrow we will bake more. It is a beautiful thing to do & in baking these, i feel connected to & honouring of my mum & I love baking them with A.

This year though since I am pregnant I do not have to fast.

I have just been searching the net in an attempt to reassure me this pregnancy will last...both my RE & other websites have said that after there is a healthy strong heartbeat...the risk of miscarriage goes down to 10%...i am so praying i am in the 90%......i know so many of you havent been & i've been there before too...but this time I am so intensely praying we are in the 90%.

And so thats my update today - nervous, terrified, crampy, seedy & praying intensely

Our miracle

We arrived at our second ultrasound....bracing ourselves. Strangely my bad feelings had subsided & i secretly had a feeling maybe, just maybe things would be ok...but was way too terrified to voice that. We didnt have to wait today - thank god. We had the same sonographer as last week. As she was getting ready, i politely asked her if she could measure the ovaries & other things she needs to measure after she tells us if the baby is alive...she agreed. I inserted the probe & immediately she found a heartbeat!!!!!!

I could see it, i could actually see it, it was clicking away. A immediately said "its not fast". I responded "to me it looks fast" She told us it was 140 beats / minute. I braced myself once more as I asked her how big the baby was....she measured him/her & reported it was measuring 6 wks & 6 days so it had grown a full 8 days in 7 days - the most it could have grown.

I burst into tears, not a few tears - a sob...the anxiety, fear, trauma I'd been holding onto all week came pouring out - it was, for today, a great result.

We couldn't believe it.....our prayers & all the collective prayers from our friends & you, my amazing blog supporters had been heard.....& yet we're only 7 weeks & 2 days & have 5 more weeks of this risky time....

It feels like centuries still.

We saw the dr after the u/sound - he compared the results from last week to this week & told us we were (for today) going very well.

We kissed & cried & sighed & exhaled a lot but felt tremendous anxiety & fear too as now the stakes get higher.

We left the clinic & headed to our acupuncturist who was excited too. Its quite endearing, shes sees my pregnancy as her personal challenge. She felt my pulses & this time expressed my right hand energy pulse is still weak but my yin left hand pulse very strong & she said she felt it was a boy....a very naughty boy. I too felt it had to be a boy, after all a little girl wouldn't do this to us. Strange actually, it feels like boy energy to me too....

listen to me....its so scary to even consider a little girl or boy....way too premature.

Our RE called me - he actually congratulated me & told me we are exactly normal today....he actually said i have to book in to see an obstetrician for an appt in week 10 which felt way too scary & premature but according to him, a percentage of risk has dropped & all (hopefully) could be & should be ok.

So...my blog supporters....for today we are smiling. I want to thank you all sooooooo very much for your thoughts, wishes & prayers. Please keep praying as we have quite a road still ahead of us.

Im terrified but cautiously optimistic.

We have another u/sound next thurs. These weekly waits are agony.

Thanxxxxxx to you all.

Miserable me

Another week started today. The actual activity of getting up, getting ready & heading to work felt very difficult.....this confirmed my self diagnosis of depression. Its that heavy feeling where everything feels too hard. I am not enthused about anything. I cannot be joyful. I feel like being alone. I feel like eating shit & sleeping alot but at night im not really sleeping well....yep.... a depression has set in.....i sure hope it doesnt stay for too long but it doesnt seem to want to budge at the moment.

In the middle of the day, i rushed out to acup. L thought my pulses were softer....not a good sign.....

So Im not really holding out much hope....i do believe in miracles but i somehow feel one of those lucky miraculous story wont be happening to us.....it feels as tho' only the bad shit stories happen to us.

I had thought maybe this was our time.

Im beggining to believe we wont get a time.

Waiting till Thurs will be & is excruciating....

And what for.....why the wait.....to see a baby dead in utero without a heartbeat.

I have prayed so very hard & it feels as tho' he doesnt listen to my prayers.

I know this must sound indulgent & 'poor me' but i am feeling sorry for myself - thats the truth.

A's working again tonite but is off from work for a week now so at least he'll be home.

Thats it from miserable me.

So so depressed

This weekend was Jewish New Year. I was in synagogue Sat & Sun. Apart from being surrounded by much younger fertile women with all their babies & big pregnant wombs everywhere (which was hard to endure), it was nice to be there. Our synagogue is a low key one. We have a beautiful rabbi who a few yrs ago decided Sydney lacked a space for the many 'youngish' jews who dont really access judaism & spirituality in mainstream synagogues so he started a synagogue I call the outreach synagogue. Its unpretentious, very real & he explains & connects you to the service, telling inspiring, symbolic kabbalistic stories etc.

Anyway...the timing was good & I prayed hard for our little baby who is just maybe still alive....my seat was in the very back row so i felt quite invisible from the crowds. This meant every few moments i could poke my boobs to check they were still sore. Yesterday, they were tender. I felt encouraged, a tad hopeful....maybe our prayers were being answered finally. I knew A was in the mens section doing the same, praying for our baby.

Today though, my boobs werent tender at all. From last night till now - they havent been sore....& with this lack of symptom, Ive slowly slid into a very depressed place.

A has been working last night & tonight & Ive noticed a pattern has developed...till he goes to work, Ive stayed up, trying to be as normal as possible. Our interaction is low & sad. He sees me poke my boobs, asks if theyre sore, I answer 'no' to which he responds 'its died'....we are both so depressed. As soon as he leaves, (abt 4.20)Ive gone to bed & slept till 7. Both yesterday & today Ive had quite scary, dark nitemares. When i wake the house has been totally dark. Today when i awoke, i realised how depressed i am.

This excruciating waiting, this possible miscarriage but possible viable pregnancy has taken its toll, as have the previous 4 miscarriages. Today all the losses are compounding making me feel very bad. When my boobs are sore its easier to stay a little positive that maybe things will be ok on Thurs...but now without tender boobs i feel like our small compromised baby has died...

I got out of bed only because I had to, I had to feed the dogs & the cat. i fed them, hung up a load of washing & realised how down i am. You know when you realise that even those menial tiny tasks feel too hard & you cant cope with even that....thats where im at tonite.

And you know those times when even though you have wonderful supportive friends, you dont even feel like talking to them....it just feels it wont help....thats where im at too.

I really miss my mum. How i wish my mum were still alive. Though our miscarriages would have caused her even more trauma than Ive experienced (she would always experience my pain with such intensity that sometimes it was easier to not share it)....i miss her unconditional love & support. She would have known exactly what i need. She would have known that when im down, i dont even bother cooking & preparing meals properly & would have brought me my favourite home cooked nurturing meals. She would have just kept me company, hugged me, listened & cried with me.....theres really no one else who does it like she used to.

I wish A had a different job where he were home at night. When im feeling ok, i dont mind it but when im feeling so low, it feels so awful to be here alone, night after night, isolated, in a dark house, depressed about our miscarriages. He doesnt work every nite but lately its been 3 or 4 nites a week ...sun through to wed & i feel so alone. At least when hes here, we are both together in our sadness.

I cant bare this.

Fence sitting

I awoke sad, depressed.....dreading the u/sound. We drove in silence. It was awful. We waited in the waiting room for over half an hour. Dozens of very happy pregnant couples exited from their u/sounds with their dvd's showing their babies. They were all smiling, rebooking their next u/sound.

Finally we were called in. She took her time, measuring my ovaries....& then measured the gestational sac. I was jumping ahead of her asking questions.....'Is there a heartbeat, how big does it measure?'...and so our baby is measuring at only 2mm....ie: 5weeks & 4 days when it should be measuring 6 weeks & 2 days - a 5 day discrepancy. The heartbeat is 112 / minute.

The sonographer seemed to think it was good news. I didn't......as my miscarriage management nurse had told me it would need to measure the right size. We were taken in to see a dr. He was lovely. He was sitting on the fence....the good news he said is there's a heartbeat but it is smaller than it should be.....he suggested we u/sound again next Thurs.

I was tryng to integrate the info. It could have been worse but was not very good....we're still in with a chance but it feels like ...just ...in by a thread.

We waited for our RE to call.....he shared the same view. He is sitting on the fence, wouldn't give me a likelihood or probability. He said it could easily go either way. He is concerned abt the size but there is still a heartbeat. He said anything over 110 beats / min is ok & were just in....so...more excruciating waiting.

We went back to my acupuncturist (the old one as at least I can just pop in to her) she was worried abt the size & heartbeat but (would you believe) this time...my pulses are strong, good & she said she is positive & hopeful.

So...who knows.....its out of my hands....Its a jewish holiday coming up & we'll bein synagogue quite a lot over the w'end so lots of praying opportunities.

Is it possible our baby can just be a tad small but OK?

Do any of you know abt size discrepancies & heartbeats & all these terrifying things?????

This will be an excruciating week.

Oh yeh....I've decided to use both acupuncturists as I need....you see you cant just pop into J but she is more communicative but at least with L, I can just pop in so have decided to utilise both as I need them. My intuition is at the moment acup once / twice a week will help so Im going to go back to L on Monday.

So depressed....

Tomorrow is the ultrasound. We are expecting the worst. We are depressed. The alive activity in my uterus i feel when im pregnant has stopped. My boobs are still tender-ish but from previous miscarriages i know that lingers.

A few things have happened. I called J, my old chinese herbalist / acupuncturist i used to see before my current one. I needed an explanation as to what L had referred to when she said my energy was weak but refused to explain it to me. So J explained, from a chinese med perspective, when they feel the energy is weak it is probably referring to kidney function....but J said that either i can have some kidney stuff going on that can cause a propensity to miscarriage or alternatively i could have already miscarried & hence, then she would have been feeling a reduced kidney energy....im a little confused...as far as i know my kidneys are fine & at transfer time & the week later...my energy was fine.....but i do feel better to know...i have a burning desire to know all.

I had a good talk to J....& I've decided to go back to her. I wont divorce L as such as I may need to pop in at times but i'll chge back to J for the most of my herbs & acup.....L might be a guru, but shes mad, barks at me, doesnt explain things & i think isnt particularly grt for my psyche whereas J, who isnt quite the guru is gentle, explains all to me, understands my psyche & is more respectful. She added that after all i've gone thru & the chronic insomnia i suffer from, she thinks the main area she would help me is my mind to try & relax & frankly i think she's right.....if I could sleep again, im sure id feel so much better.

the other significant difference in my life is Ive told a few supportive women at work what is going on & i shared with my boss whats going on....i feel so much better....i feel i dont have to lie when i go off for the u/sound tomorrow for example & i feel supported. when im teary, weepy etc...i feel its ok.

It is jewish new yr fri nite.....prior to this recent trauma...my fantasy was that we would have our first healthy u/sound fri & we'd head off to new yr dinner feeling so good, elated, encouraged etc.....but now we'll struggle thru. It'll be agony trying to be social, light, celebratory....its one of those things we have to do but....if im feeling sorry for myself....i feel im allowed to be!!!!!!

Bring on tomorrow. The sooner this starts to end, the sooner I can start to move on.

Someone told me today she knew s'one who'd had 17 miscarriages.....how did she survive that?

How do i survive this?

Going, going, gone....

And just as we feared & thought.....the hcg result today was a bad one. Fri it had been 4300, so today should have been up around 9000 - 10,000 if all was well but it wasn't. It was 6230.....increased but clearly not doubling. Our RE called & said there were 3 options.....1) its just a bleep & all will be fine 2) its going to not go down but not go up ...it will plateau here for a while but be non viable or 3) the hcg will start to drop & eventually I'll start to bleed. Action: Ultrasound on Thurs for a more diagnostic know......in the meantime I know & A knows its over.

It was going so well & suddenly stopped going so well.

I came home.....devastated but in some sick way, felt sensitised to this torture & trauma.

I lay depressed & numb on the couch with A till he had to go to work.

I sms'ed the support team, spoke to many of them & the dread started to sink in.

Thats 5 pregnancies in 22 months.

Im so sick of this.

Im angry at my chinese dr.....she picked my chi (energy) was weak.....why the fuck cant she fix it...thats her bag - chi is.....i pay her $1000 a month to make my energy strong to sustain a pregnancy.

Some of my friends are angry with her.....maybe if she hadnt said that....i wouldnt have been in such a state all w'end & maybe, just maybe -all would be ok today.

Im pissed off, devastated, sad, bereft, angry, fucked off, despairing, hopeless, fed up, tired, drained, over it.

So is poor A.

I so much desperately wanted this pregnancy to hold....12 weeks would have been right up on my mums death anniversary & there was something special abt that, a week later it would have been my 38th b'day & finally I would have been safely pregnant. If A goes away for this specialisation, at least I would have been preoccupied with this pregnancy......& last of all.....i just wanted it to stay, we desperately wanted our baby.

Somehow, despite these recurring losses, my support team still are convinced we'll get there.....how is it they are sure? Im no longer sure?

Ofcourse its not over till Thurs but i know it is.....

I was praying so hard, all of you were, my supportive friends were.....why isnt god listening to any of these prayers?

Why is this happening?

Its so unfair.

Thanx for all your prayers & support....i wish i could be giving you positive great news...

Good night xx

Terrified

I am terrified. When I was receiving really good beta hcg results, I was feeling so hopeful & encouraged...I actually believed this would be our time....but since my chinese dr reported my pulse is weak...I've been left feeling anxious, worried & discouraged. I recall another miscarriage (I cant recall which one it was) when she reported my pulse was weak & then I miscarried....... I kept asking her what it meant but all she would tell me was my energy was weak...what the fuck does this mean? can i carry to term still? is it my energy or the babies? Ofcourse Im low energy, im anxious, not sleeping well & terrified of losing another pregnancy. A very close friend of mine, D is almost 11 wks pregnant. Her chinese dr has also reported her pulse was weak throughout her first trimester but she kept the pregnancy.......I am praying & begging to keep this one. I cant bare the thought of losing this one too. The plan from here is another beta hcg tomorrow am & then if all good -our first ultrasound end of this wk...so there are a few monumental hurdles to get thru this week, another one or two beta hcgs....& then the u/sound. Im afraid we'll get to the u/sound but the beats per minute will be low & that will herald doom.....Im so afraid & anxious.

Ive tried to distract my self this am with doing some work. A is slowly waking & we'll head out with the boys shortly for a nice walk & we'll visit my dad later this arvo but i am not doing well.....i tried meditating this am too. I wish i could just disappear into some time warp & appear at 12 weeks....this is unbearable.

Has anyone else been told by a chinese practitioner to have a weak pulse?

Pls pray for our baby. I feel like we need all the help we can get.

Thank you xx

Totally frieked by a weak pulse

Well so far so good but im feeling so anxious as well. Yesterday am, I had another blood test & i was 5 weeks & 3 days yesterday - the hcg was 4300 - our RE called & he was pleased.....he said so far everythings going well & at the end of next week I'll be able to have our first ultrasound & if theres a good heartbeat - 'were well on the way'......but then in the afternoon I had an appointment with my chinese dr & i told her my news & she was pleased but then she felt my pulse & was worried that my energy pulse was weak.....she scared me. Immediately i launched into questions 'what does that mean?, will i lose the baby?'...She couldn't give me anything other than my pulse was weak.....she's always been so very accurate about my pregnancies based on my pulse readings so Im very scared, very anxious & very worried.

I also had a pretty shitty car accident yesterday am, my fault.....I totally sideswept a delivery truck double parked & four panels of our care need to be replaced......life is stressful at the moment...

Pls pray our baby is ok

I think i'll have a repeat test on Mon am

We are 5 weeks today

Yesterday I was a mess, crying...terrified it was going to be declining. This am for no reason, i felt a little better......waiting for the call was hell...and then it came....hcg of 1984. I sighed & exhaled. The nurse said our RE was very pleased....so was I.....so was A...it feels like we've survived the hugest hurdle...and then I realise we are only at 5 weeks today....still so early....so many dangers still ahead...but for today...we are still pregnant. Today our embryo is still growing. Thank You God, Thank you supportive blog friends.

Anxious Times

Its been a rainy, windy freezing w'end. A hasn't been working so its been lovely chilling out & snuggling in all w'end. Apart from a family dinner Fri nite & a friends low key party Sat nite we've just hung out the two of us, sleeping in, reading, eating, lying around....so nice.

My anxiety levels have swung quite extremely - most of yesterday I felt good, positive...but this afternoon & evening for no particular reason ive swung the other way & am terrified for Tues's result...expecting the worst.

My intention of remaining detached & disengaged has failed miserably....I've thought of nothing else. Iguess thats not entirely true, Ive still been able to concentrate on a novel & enjoy chatting to people last night but most of the time my energy & thought is totally with my growing (i hope & pray) embryo.

I would like to thank you all for your supportive, excited & encouraging words....it helps a lot thru this anxiety. I so hope I can keep reporting good results but who knows whats ahead.....the reality is we're not even 5 weeks. Today we're 33 days & Tues will be 5 weeks so its soooo very early. I just wish I wouldnt invest till at least 9 or so weeks - the minute Im told Im pregnant, instantly the instinct of caring, investing & nuturing kicks in.

My chinese herbalist tends to know whether Im pregnant before an official test & in between tests she feels my pulse to know if things are going well. By sensing my own pulse & feeling the difference between a pregnant pulse & a miscarrying pulse...I have actually come to know the difference...obviously not with her reliability but I am able to feel that when im pregnant, my pulse is faster & stronger than usual......the upside of this is yesterday I was regularly checking my pulse for reassurance we were ok, the down side, I am obsessively checking my pulse every 10 -20 mins & you know when you are too close to something you lose objectivity...well...Ive lost it Im afraid.....very stressful.

In previous pregnancies, when Ive always had tender boobs, I would regularly poke & feel my boobs to check they were still tender. In fact in my second pregnancy, during the 9th week it was my lessening symptoms (particular my boobs werent as tender & I wasnt as exhausted) that indicated to me something was wrong....thats when the ultrasound had shown it had died in utero 5 days earlier.

But with this pregnancy, my boobs arent sore, I have no real symptoms except constipation & bloat....so its hard to test for ongoing symptoms - hence the pulse reading obsession.

Well - thats an update for today......anxious, scared, laying low & praying a lot.

I pray our embryo is thriving & dividing & making a comfortable home in there.

Very Early Scary Days

Its been a very long week. Im sorry I didnt report back straight after the first hcg test on Monday - the result was a positive test, the hcg was 121. It was day 27. Our RE was pleased with that...basically they look for anything around 100 at 28 days so over 100 at day 27 was considered good.

We were ofcourse pleased we'd overcame hurdle one but for both A & I....the past experiences have been so painful & influential....it was too difficult to be pleased or excited...we were anxious & quite afraid the pattern of the last two pregnancies was going to repeat itself.

The pattern of the last two pregnancies was on day 27 - the hcg was fine. I retested both times two days later on day 29 - at this test, for both of my last pregnancies it had increased & was still in the normal range but could go either way.....& then for both pregnancies - by day 31 two days later - it had decreased & I was told I'd miscarry & had to wait to bleed.

So, this time, I wasn't keen on testing on day 29. Though it was a difficult wait, I waited till today - day 31 - & the hcg was 358. On some level I knew my anxiety levels were better because in previous pregnancies I couldn't possibly wait till day 31. According to our RE, its meant to double every 2-3 days & this it has. I was hoping for a much higher result but i guess its still ok, within normal limits at this very very early stage. Our RE was pleased & thinks its coming up nicely but wants me back in 4 more days for a retest....so here we go again, another difficult 4 day wait.

The good news is we've passed where we reached the last two pregnancies...but its still so ridiculously early, Im only 4 & a half weeks today, will be 5 wks on Tues if I get there (please god).

I can feel activity in my uterus & am so very bloated. My boobs are only starting to get sore now whereas in my previous 4 pregnancies - my boobs were sore from so very early.

The most we've reached is 9 weeks.

I have a support network - beautiful friends who were waiting for my call or sms today - they will continue to pray. Can I ask you guys to as well?

Im trying to remain calm, quite disengaged but it is sooooooo hard.

Well thats my news team, I'll keep you posted!

Hurdle number one approaching...

These two weeks have been the most manageable of the two week waits Ive so far endured. Of course, it was constantly on my mind but they have gone quite quickly & I feel as though I have not obsessed to the same degree. The official date for my test is Tues 5th Sep but I am going in tomorrow as Tuesday wont be a good day for me to deal with the outcome & also because frankly Im over the waiting.

As far as symptoms go.....I am bloated as if I am 5 mths pregnant...it looks quite ridiculous actually & embarrassing. I am extremely constipated (normally Im very regular)...both of those could be the progesterone pessaries. My boobs arent sore at all, nor veiny nor swollen & every previous pregnancy Ive had Ive had sore swollen veiny tender boobs......but Im aware every pregnancy can be different.....

Im well aware that even if I receive a positive pregnancy test.....after the four previous miscarriages...it wont mean much. For me unfortunately...its an anxiety ridden, despairing wait with follow up hcg tests & ultrasounds....& so I still try to remain detached & disengaged but as tomorrow am approaches....its harder & harder......Its a stressful test I have to have but on another level it doesnt mean much....for the last 4 pregnancies, at the early test mark, everything looks great, all my hormone levels are exactly where they need to be....(& apart from miscarriage 2 that lasted till 9 wks)...they've all gone down hill early within 4-6 wks....so...its a hard one, a positive test is only the first hurdle but there are many others.....here we go....

Meanwhile....our lives have taken an interesting turn.....A was in a career slump....he needed to go to the next step...either specialising or opening a practice......his preference was specialising but that would have probably meant going interstate or o/s for a few yrs. I wasnt interested in doing that right now.....I'd finally found a job I really loved & felt like I could really invest in for a while & with all this miscarriage management etc....i wanted to stay put.....It felt a hard one.....because I know how soul destroying it is to be unfulfilled in a career & so much wanted him to do something where he would be fulfilled but I also had finally found a niche where I was fulfilled & I also know its hard to find a job where you're really fulfilled...I wasn't feeling comfortable about throwing that away.....so we were stuck.....till A went off to an industry conference & happened to be in the right place at the right time & shmooze with the right people & has been offerred an opportunity of a lifetime...he can specialise by doing 3mth externships in another state (where they bring out gurus from the US to run the externships) & meanwhile we can stay living here. So it means....he would go off to Qld for 3mths this yr & 3 mths next yr....& the rest of the time fulfil a residency here & still obtain a speciality in a very niche speciality where as of today there is only one in Aust....so it would give him a real edge & niche...well done A! It's not 100% decided, he still has a few more negotiations to have but its almost a sure thing. At first I was quite frieked...3 mths is a long time & he wouldnt be able to fly back w'ends....at most we'd probably see eachother 1/month.....but Im alrready used to the idea & quite excited for both of us actually.

For him, it will be amazing...a real challenge & something for him to sink his teeth into & strive for....which A needs. For me, it will be good too. Of course I'll miss him terribly but it will be good for me too.

The externship actually starts tomorrow but he'll probably join the grp in a week or two.....oh yeh...he wont earn an income for 3 mths.....& the fees are quite hefty...so it will be a strain but hey...its only money!

If Im not pregnant or if I miscarry again ...I'll keep going on ivf & he'll have to fly in for the day I have egg retrieval to contribute. It will be tough doing this alone but thats ok!

So thats where we are.....right now...lots going on.....

My beautiful close friend D came back from Israel & brought me back a kabbalistic symbol on a chain that protects against miscarriage so I've had it on since the day after the transfer...it all helps.

I've got a dentist appointment tomorrow am after my blood test & Im feeling a tad anxious....is there anything a dentist puts in my mouth that may be absorbed that would be harmful if I were pregnant??? At this stage Im thinking I'll go for the appt & tell him im a neurotic maniac...

Yesterday I bumped into an acquantance who I met thru our dogs & also thru our chinese herbalist. Last I saw her she'd just had a laparoscopy & was waiting till they could try again. They tried again & was clearly quite pregnant. I congratulated her. We talked about it for a while. It was hard. She asked where I was up to....I volunteered we'd had 4 miscarriages. She went on to ask a thousand questions.....but wouldnt even bother listening to the answers...it took me a few moments to register it was not helpful to me at all, in fact it was distressing me & i was able to say "I dont want to talk about this with you". ...after a few more mins I managed to escape....it was pretty awful & I was pretty harsh but I also felt good that i was able to protect me from the barrage of questions & awful situation......

OK, thats about it for now.....there'll be more news i guess coming soon, please pray!!!!