Hurdle number one approaching...

These two weeks have been the most manageable of the two week waits Ive so far endured. Of course, it was constantly on my mind but they have gone quite quickly & I feel as though I have not obsessed to the same degree. The official date for my test is Tues 5th Sep but I am going in tomorrow as Tuesday wont be a good day for me to deal with the outcome & also because frankly Im over the waiting.

As far as symptoms go.....I am bloated as if I am 5 mths pregnant...it looks quite ridiculous actually & embarrassing. I am extremely constipated (normally Im very regular)...both of those could be the progesterone pessaries. My boobs arent sore at all, nor veiny nor swollen & every previous pregnancy Ive had Ive had sore swollen veiny tender boobs......but Im aware every pregnancy can be different.....

Im well aware that even if I receive a positive pregnancy test.....after the four previous miscarriages...it wont mean much. For me unfortunately...its an anxiety ridden, despairing wait with follow up hcg tests & ultrasounds....& so I still try to remain detached & disengaged but as tomorrow am approaches....its harder & harder......Its a stressful test I have to have but on another level it doesnt mean much....for the last 4 pregnancies, at the early test mark, everything looks great, all my hormone levels are exactly where they need to be....(& apart from miscarriage 2 that lasted till 9 wks)...they've all gone down hill early within 4-6 wks....so...its a hard one, a positive test is only the first hurdle but there are many others.....here we go....

Meanwhile....our lives have taken an interesting turn.....A was in a career slump....he needed to go to the next step...either specialising or opening a practice......his preference was specialising but that would have probably meant going interstate or o/s for a few yrs. I wasnt interested in doing that right now.....I'd finally found a job I really loved & felt like I could really invest in for a while & with all this miscarriage management etc....i wanted to stay put.....It felt a hard one.....because I know how soul destroying it is to be unfulfilled in a career & so much wanted him to do something where he would be fulfilled but I also had finally found a niche where I was fulfilled & I also know its hard to find a job where you're really fulfilled...I wasn't feeling comfortable about throwing that away.....so we were stuck.....till A went off to an industry conference & happened to be in the right place at the right time & shmooze with the right people & has been offerred an opportunity of a lifetime...he can specialise by doing 3mth externships in another state (where they bring out gurus from the US to run the externships) & meanwhile we can stay living here. So it means....he would go off to Qld for 3mths this yr & 3 mths next yr....& the rest of the time fulfil a residency here & still obtain a speciality in a very niche speciality where as of today there is only one in Aust....so it would give him a real edge & niche...well done A! It's not 100% decided, he still has a few more negotiations to have but its almost a sure thing. At first I was quite frieked...3 mths is a long time & he wouldnt be able to fly back w'ends....at most we'd probably see eachother 1/month.....but Im alrready used to the idea & quite excited for both of us actually.

For him, it will be amazing...a real challenge & something for him to sink his teeth into & strive for....which A needs. For me, it will be good too. Of course I'll miss him terribly but it will be good for me too.

The externship actually starts tomorrow but he'll probably join the grp in a week or two.....oh yeh...he wont earn an income for 3 mths.....& the fees are quite hefty...so it will be a strain but hey...its only money!

If Im not pregnant or if I miscarry again ...I'll keep going on ivf & he'll have to fly in for the day I have egg retrieval to contribute. It will be tough doing this alone but thats ok!

So thats where we are.....right now...lots going on.....

My beautiful close friend D came back from Israel & brought me back a kabbalistic symbol on a chain that protects against miscarriage so I've had it on since the day after the transfer...it all helps.

I've got a dentist appointment tomorrow am after my blood test & Im feeling a tad anxious....is there anything a dentist puts in my mouth that may be absorbed that would be harmful if I were pregnant??? At this stage Im thinking I'll go for the appt & tell him im a neurotic maniac...

Yesterday I bumped into an acquantance who I met thru our dogs & also thru our chinese herbalist. Last I saw her she'd just had a laparoscopy & was waiting till they could try again. They tried again & was clearly quite pregnant. I congratulated her. We talked about it for a while. It was hard. She asked where I was up to....I volunteered we'd had 4 miscarriages. She went on to ask a thousand questions.....but wouldnt even bother listening to the answers...it took me a few moments to register it was not helpful to me at all, in fact it was distressing me & i was able to say "I dont want to talk about this with you". ...after a few more mins I managed to escape....it was pretty awful & I was pretty harsh but I also felt good that i was able to protect me from the barrage of questions & awful situation......

OK, thats about it for now.....there'll be more news i guess coming soon, please pray!!!!