Monday, September 25, 2006

Miserable me

Another week started today. The actual activity of getting up, getting ready & heading to work felt very difficult.....this confirmed my self diagnosis of depression. Its that heavy feeling where everything feels too hard. I am not enthused about anything. I cannot be joyful. I feel like being alone. I feel like eating shit & sleeping alot but at night im not really sleeping well....yep.... a depression has set in.....i sure hope it doesnt stay for too long but it doesnt seem to want to budge at the moment.

In the middle of the day, i rushed out to acup. L thought my pulses were softer....not a good sign.....

So Im not really holding out much hope....i do believe in miracles but i somehow feel one of those lucky miraculous story wont be happening to us.....it feels as tho' only the bad shit stories happen to us.

I had thought maybe this was our time.

Im beggining to believe we wont get a time.

Waiting till Thurs will be & is excruciating....

And what for.....why the wait.....to see a baby dead in utero without a heartbeat.

I have prayed so very hard & it feels as tho' he doesnt listen to my prayers.

I know this must sound indulgent & 'poor me' but i am feeling sorry for myself - thats the truth.

A's working again tonite but is off from work for a week now so at least he'll be home.

Thats it from miserable me.

13 Comments:

Blogger Michelle said...

I'm sorry the wait is so excrutiating. Why don't they do another beta in the meantime? Doctors don't understand how heartbreaking this is to those of us that have to go through this time and time again.

7:37 PM  
Blogger serenity said...

Oh sweetie. I am so very sorry that you are suffering through this. It is very hard to hold out hope for yourself.

I am hoping with everything I have that Thursday's news is good news.

Much love to you this week.

9:33 PM  
Blogger Stephanie said...

I am so sorry for this agony that you are going through. I wish with all my might that you get good news on thursday.

12:14 AM  
Blogger The Town Criers said...

Not that it removes any of the pain that you're going through, but know that I'm out here, waiting along with you. And you're entitled to not feeling like getting out of bed. You need to do what you need to do to get through this.

I'm so sorry. And sorry that your mum isn't here to help you through this. Because she would know the right things to do or say. But you know what I read through all of this: that your mother taught you how to be a fantastic mother. Because you ARE a mother and you are worrying about your little embryo and would do anything to protect it. And that's your mother's work, standing beside you and helping you through this.

1:54 AM  
Anonymous Jill said...

I'm so sorry that you are depressed and worried; there have been times when I have had similar experiences due to pregnancy and miscarriages, so I have some idea how terribly hard it is. I wish I could say something to make things better, but I know I can't. In the meantime, please know that you're not alone and that you, your husband, and your baby are in my prayers. I hope that you get good news in your ultrasound this week.

2:25 AM  
Blogger theoneliner said...

well, my goodness who wouldn't be concerned about themselves. this is awful. awful. not fair.
god, i'm mad at the universe with you.
how? why?

2:59 AM  
Blogger Kate said...

I am so sorry for what you are going through. The waiting is just unbearable. I'll be thinking of you.

6:25 AM  
Blogger Amy said...

Coming out of the shadows to comment to you, sweetie. I've been suffering so much myself, that it's hard to hurt for other people when so much of my hurt is going in to me right now. But I'm finding myself hurting for you quite a bit too. Please know that you DO NOT sound "indulgent & 'poor me,'" by feeling sorry for yourself. For finding the whole situation excrutiating and exhausting. You're in my thoughts right now!! Great big HUGS!!

7:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hang in there!! I have been where you are 6 times and the waiting is torture.

Will think happy thoughts for you and hope that Thursday is great news for you!

Take care,

Denise

10:23 AM  
Blogger sube said...

Thinking of you, sweetie.

1:55 PM  
Blogger theoneliner said...

still hoping.

1:28 AM  
Blogger Hope548 said...

I'm so so sorry this is such a difficult time for you. I think your feelings are completely natural for this situation. I sincerely hope that you'll get better news soon and that you find strength and peace. We're all here for you!

12:00 AM  
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