Monday, September 18, 2006

Going, going, gone....

And just as we feared & thought.....the hcg result today was a bad one. Fri it had been 4300, so today should have been up around 9000 - 10,000 if all was well but it wasn't. It was 6230.....increased but clearly not doubling. Our RE called & said there were 3 options.....1) its just a bleep & all will be fine 2) its going to not go down but not go up will plateau here for a while but be non viable or 3) the hcg will start to drop & eventually I'll start to bleed. Action: Ultrasound on Thurs for a more diagnostic the meantime I know & A knows its over.

It was going so well & suddenly stopped going so well.

I came home.....devastated but in some sick way, felt sensitised to this torture & trauma.

I lay depressed & numb on the couch with A till he had to go to work.

I sms'ed the support team, spoke to many of them & the dread started to sink in.

Thats 5 pregnancies in 22 months.

Im so sick of this.

Im angry at my chinese dr.....she picked my chi (energy) was weak.....why the fuck cant she fix it...thats her bag - chi is.....i pay her $1000 a month to make my energy strong to sustain a pregnancy.

Some of my friends are angry with her.....maybe if she hadnt said that....i wouldnt have been in such a state all w'end & maybe, just maybe -all would be ok today.

Im pissed off, devastated, sad, bereft, angry, fucked off, despairing, hopeless, fed up, tired, drained, over it.

So is poor A.

I so much desperately wanted this pregnancy to hold....12 weeks would have been right up on my mums death anniversary & there was something special abt that, a week later it would have been my 38th b'day & finally I would have been safely pregnant. If A goes away for this specialisation, at least I would have been preoccupied with this pregnancy......& last of all.....i just wanted it to stay, we desperately wanted our baby.

Somehow, despite these recurring losses, my support team still are convinced we'll get is it they are sure? Im no longer sure?

Ofcourse its not over till Thurs but i know it is.....

I was praying so hard, all of you were, my supportive friends were.....why isnt god listening to any of these prayers?

Why is this happening?

Its so unfair.

Thanx for all your prayers & support....i wish i could be giving you positive great news...

Good night xx


Blogger serenity said...

Oh no. O no. I am so so sorry. I will hold out hope for you.


10:32 PM  
Anonymous mae said...

I'm praying for your baby. Hang in there little one. We need you to grow. Take all the energy you need from your mommy, she won't mind. Promise.

All my thoughts are with you.

12:17 AM  
Blogger Hope548 said...

I'm so very sorry for this devastating news you got. I hope like crazy that things are still ok, but if they're not, I will hope and pray for peace for you and A.

3:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so sorry to hear this. I hope it is just a bleep as the RE suggested.

Thinking of you.

8:41 AM  
Blogger Amber said...

Oh honey, I am so sorry. I am praying that your little bean will hang on. It's not over yet, so I am still praying for hope.
I don't know what to tell you, but my heart is breaking for you. I know you must feel so numb, and I wish I could do/say something to take your pain away.
I'm sorry about your chi doc. I know you want her to fix this, but sometimes I think it is out of any doctors hands here on earth.
I have not read your entire blog, but do they have any idea why your pregnancies can't sustain? I suppose if you did, you wouldn't be here so frustrated, duh. I have a friend who has had 4 miscarriages, and is now pregnant for the 5th time. She is taking progesterone suppositories, and it seems to be helping.
Anyway, my thoughts and prayers are definately with you. Hang in there hon.

12:38 PM  
Blogger Emily said...

Everything is crossed so tightly for good news on Thursday, but I know it will be an anxious wait. Thinking of you both until then.

4:56 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

No! I'm so so sorry. I really hope that it was a blip.

9:04 PM  
Anonymous Nikole said...

I'm so, so sorry. My heart breaks for you. Feel whatever you feel right now--your anger at the world is certainly justified. Holding a candle of hope for you, and sending giant hugs across the ocean.


10:29 PM  
Blogger Thalia said...

Far be it for me to be the one that holds out hope, but betas stop doubling in 48 hours once they hit 1200, and slow down even more above 6000. I've just done some calculations on yours, and the doubling time is about 134 hours, which is a bit slow but may not be the end yet.(

I totally understand why you are freaking out, given your past experience. I just hope that for once, fate cuts you a break.

11:19 PM  

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