Sunday, September 24, 2006

So so depressed

This weekend was Jewish New Year. I was in synagogue Sat & Sun. Apart from being surrounded by much younger fertile women with all their babies & big pregnant wombs everywhere (which was hard to endure), it was nice to be there. Our synagogue is a low key one. We have a beautiful rabbi who a few yrs ago decided Sydney lacked a space for the many 'youngish' jews who dont really access judaism & spirituality in mainstream synagogues so he started a synagogue I call the outreach synagogue. Its unpretentious, very real & he explains & connects you to the service, telling inspiring, symbolic kabbalistic stories etc.

Anyway...the timing was good & I prayed hard for our little baby who is just maybe still alive....my seat was in the very back row so i felt quite invisible from the crowds. This meant every few moments i could poke my boobs to check they were still sore. Yesterday, they were tender. I felt encouraged, a tad hopeful....maybe our prayers were being answered finally. I knew A was in the mens section doing the same, praying for our baby.

Today though, my boobs werent tender at all. From last night till now - they havent been sore....& with this lack of symptom, Ive slowly slid into a very depressed place.

A has been working last night & tonight & Ive noticed a pattern has developed...till he goes to work, Ive stayed up, trying to be as normal as possible. Our interaction is low & sad. He sees me poke my boobs, asks if theyre sore, I answer 'no' to which he responds 'its died'....we are both so depressed. As soon as he leaves, (abt 4.20)Ive gone to bed & slept till 7. Both yesterday & today Ive had quite scary, dark nitemares. When i wake the house has been totally dark. Today when i awoke, i realised how depressed i am.

This excruciating waiting, this possible miscarriage but possible viable pregnancy has taken its toll, as have the previous 4 miscarriages. Today all the losses are compounding making me feel very bad. When my boobs are sore its easier to stay a little positive that maybe things will be ok on Thurs...but now without tender boobs i feel like our small compromised baby has died...

I got out of bed only because I had to, I had to feed the dogs & the cat. i fed them, hung up a load of washing & realised how down i am. You know when you realise that even those menial tiny tasks feel too hard & you cant cope with even that....thats where im at tonite.

And you know those times when even though you have wonderful supportive friends, you dont even feel like talking to them....it just feels it wont help....thats where im at too.

I really miss my mum. How i wish my mum were still alive. Though our miscarriages would have caused her even more trauma than Ive experienced (she would always experience my pain with such intensity that sometimes it was easier to not share it)....i miss her unconditional love & support. She would have known exactly what i need. She would have known that when im down, i dont even bother cooking & preparing meals properly & would have brought me my favourite home cooked nurturing meals. She would have just kept me company, hugged me, listened & cried with me.....theres really no one else who does it like she used to.

I wish A had a different job where he were home at night. When im feeling ok, i dont mind it but when im feeling so low, it feels so awful to be here alone, night after night, isolated, in a dark house, depressed about our miscarriages. He doesnt work every nite but lately its been 3 or 4 nites a week ...sun through to wed & i feel so alone. At least when hes here, we are both together in our sadness.

I cant bare this.

6 Comments:

Blogger theoneliner said...

Well, who could? And no one should have to.

Your unwarranted suffering sounds horrible and I wish your mother was there to to help you through it.

I'm sorry you're going thru this...and for the record you're handling it with a lot more dinity and strength than I would.

I'm praying and hoping for you guys.

9:32 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

I am an obsessive boob-poker myself. I'm so sorry. Perhaps A could take some time off if you asked him?

9:33 PM  
Blogger sube said...

Sweetie. I'm just catching up from the past week, and I'm so so sorry to hear what you've been through. I can't imagine your pain. Hold tight to yourself and to A. You're in my thoughts.

1:37 AM  
Blogger Sunny said...

I am so sorry. I will pray for you tonight. I was a boob poker too. It sucked when they stopped hurting.

HUGS!

7:25 AM  
Blogger running wildly said...

Oh womb,
Your words are dripping with sorrow. I weep as I read your heart is being ripped apart day by day. All I can pray for you right now is that you feel His perfect touch and peace around you today, and tomorrow, and every minute. Sometimes we need someone to pick us up and do the walking for us....like in the poem "Footprints". Please know I will continue to pray for you regardless of your baby's outcome. Big hugs from Canada.

7:38 AM  
Blogger Emily said...

Thursday is just so far away, its really not fair to make you wait that long.

I can completely understand your depression and sadness, and I hope you don't mind me saying that speaking to a professional about these feelings might help you to process everything you are feeling.

I know for myself, while I didn't actually speak to a counsellor (although one was suggested), I have spoken in depth with a lady I know who is a wedding & funeral celebrant and is trained in grief and loss. Just hearing her take on things really helped me to put things in perspective and to know that what I'm feeling is okay.

8:17 AM  

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