Sunday, September 10, 2006

Anxious Times

Its been a rainy, windy freezing w'end. A hasn't been working so its been lovely chilling out & snuggling in all w'end. Apart from a family dinner Fri nite & a friends low key party Sat nite we've just hung out the two of us, sleeping in, reading, eating, lying nice.

My anxiety levels have swung quite extremely - most of yesterday I felt good, positive...but this afternoon & evening for no particular reason ive swung the other way & am terrified for Tues's result...expecting the worst.

My intention of remaining detached & disengaged has failed miserably....I've thought of nothing else. Iguess thats not entirely true, Ive still been able to concentrate on a novel & enjoy chatting to people last night but most of the time my energy & thought is totally with my growing (i hope & pray) embryo.

I would like to thank you all for your supportive, excited & encouraging helps a lot thru this anxiety. I so hope I can keep reporting good results but who knows whats ahead.....the reality is we're not even 5 weeks. Today we're 33 days & Tues will be 5 weeks so its soooo very early. I just wish I wouldnt invest till at least 9 or so weeks - the minute Im told Im pregnant, instantly the instinct of caring, investing & nuturing kicks in.

My chinese herbalist tends to know whether Im pregnant before an official test & in between tests she feels my pulse to know if things are going well. By sensing my own pulse & feeling the difference between a pregnant pulse & a miscarrying pulse...I have actually come to know the difference...obviously not with her reliability but I am able to feel that when im pregnant, my pulse is faster & stronger than usual......the upside of this is yesterday I was regularly checking my pulse for reassurance we were ok, the down side, I am obsessively checking my pulse every 10 -20 mins & you know when you are too close to something you lose objectivity...well...Ive lost it Im afraid.....very stressful.

In previous pregnancies, when Ive always had tender boobs, I would regularly poke & feel my boobs to check they were still tender. In fact in my second pregnancy, during the 9th week it was my lessening symptoms (particular my boobs werent as tender & I wasnt as exhausted) that indicated to me something was wrong....thats when the ultrasound had shown it had died in utero 5 days earlier.

But with this pregnancy, my boobs arent sore, I have no real symptoms except constipation & its hard to test for ongoing symptoms - hence the pulse reading obsession.

Well - thats an update for today......anxious, scared, laying low & praying a lot.

I pray our embryo is thriving & dividing & making a comfortable home in there.


Blogger serenity said...

Please allow me to give you a late "congratulations" on the BFP. And being scared and worried??? Totally utterly natural.

*Hugs* I am hoping Tuesday's results are everything you want them to be! Love and good thoughts to your little dividing boo.

7:07 AM  
Blogger Emily said...

I agree, its totally normal for you to feel anxious!! And oh-so unfair that the innocence of pregnancy has been stolen from you/us.

Hope the pulse-checking gives you much-needed reassurance until your next check-up :-)

7:41 PM  
Blogger Ella said...

I think your anxiety sounds completely justified, and normal. I too kept checking my boobs to make sure they were still tender, and when I lost that feeling, I knew something with the pregnancy was wrong. Even now, during my 2ww, I keep feeling myself up practically, to make sure the boobs are still sore. I'm sure my co workers are loving this display of insanity. Hang in there. Good thoughts and wishes coming your way.

7:33 AM  
Blogger Ali said...


Congratulations on your pregnancy. I know what you mean about taking the pulse every 10 or 20 minutes. I did TCM for a little while and got introduced to the whole pulse thing. I too take mine obsessively when I think I may be pregnant.

I have a question for you in regards to this. You say your pulse is stronger and faster when you are pregnant. Is your pulse also stronger after you ovulate? I've noticed with myself that mine can be stronger after ovulation. I just had an IUI with injectables on 9/19. Since the first day after the IUI I've noticed my pulse is consistently strong, bounding and a little faster. I also experienced strong fatigue since the day after the IUI. (This occurred during my last pregnancy early on.)

I'm hoping this is a pregnancy, but part of me wonders if this is just progesterone that is enhanced from the injectables. I've looked up pulse and pregnancy all over the web, but I can only find basic stuff that I already know. Any thoughts on this?


7:02 AM  

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