Wednesday, September 20, 2006

So depressed....

Tomorrow is the ultrasound. We are expecting the worst. We are depressed. The alive activity in my uterus i feel when im pregnant has stopped. My boobs are still tender-ish but from previous miscarriages i know that lingers.

A few things have happened. I called J, my old chinese herbalist / acupuncturist i used to see before my current one. I needed an explanation as to what L had referred to when she said my energy was weak but refused to explain it to me. So J explained, from a chinese med perspective, when they feel the energy is weak it is probably referring to kidney function....but J said that either i can have some kidney stuff going on that can cause a propensity to miscarriage or alternatively i could have already miscarried & hence, then she would have been feeling a reduced kidney a little far as i know my kidneys are fine & at transfer time & the week energy was fine.....but i do feel better to know...i have a burning desire to know all.

I had a good talk to J....& I've decided to go back to her. I wont divorce L as such as I may need to pop in at times but i'll chge back to J for the most of my herbs & acup.....L might be a guru, but shes mad, barks at me, doesnt explain things & i think isnt particularly grt for my psyche whereas J, who isnt quite the guru is gentle, explains all to me, understands my psyche & is more respectful. She added that after all i've gone thru & the chronic insomnia i suffer from, she thinks the main area she would help me is my mind to try & relax & frankly i think she's right.....if I could sleep again, im sure id feel so much better.

the other significant difference in my life is Ive told a few supportive women at work what is going on & i shared with my boss whats going on....i feel so much better....i feel i dont have to lie when i go off for the u/sound tomorrow for example & i feel supported. when im teary, weepy etc...i feel its ok.

It is jewish new yr fri nite.....prior to this recent fantasy was that we would have our first healthy u/sound fri & we'd head off to new yr dinner feeling so good, elated, encouraged etc.....but now we'll struggle thru. It'll be agony trying to be social, light, celebratory....its one of those things we have to do but....if im feeling sorry for myself....i feel im allowed to be!!!!!!

Bring on tomorrow. The sooner this starts to end, the sooner I can start to move on.

Someone told me today she knew s'one who'd had 17 did she survive that?

How do i survive this?


Blogger Emily said...

Changing acupuncturist sounds like a smart move - you really need that respect and gentleness from someone caring and sympathetic right now, and if she can help with your overall wellbeing then all the better.

I think its great you've told your boss and colleagues what you're going through - you will be grateful for their support and kindness.

As for surviving 17 losses - I can't imagine! A lady I know lost her 14th child at full-term last year (the others were all much, much earlier), but I honestly don't know how she had the courage and strength to just keep going. Thankfully they were blessed with a little boy earlier this year, and I just heard a few weeks ago that they are pg again...

Indulge your tears, you are entitled.

7:20 PM  
Anonymous Nikole said...

I agree with Emily that switching acupuncturists seems like a good idea. I'm a big believer in the overall picture of what someone can offer you--someone can be a "guru" and smart as can be, but if you leave not feeling supported, like you were attacked, or like you're not getting the information you need, you're not really fully benefitting from that person's knowledge or experience. It sounds like right now what you need is someone who can help nurture your spirit in addition to providing your TCM care.

Good for you for telling your coworkers. I always felt like it was so much harder to hold it all in and not share what was going on for me.

I hope the time today passes quickly until your us. Sending you lots and lots of hugs.

9:31 PM  
Blogger Thalia said...

Boy I know how you feel re rosh hoshana, I am dreading that friday night dinner. Thank goodness i didn't agree to do it at our house this year!

I do so hope that the ultrasoudn shows good news, but I know that the signs aren't good and I hvae the utmost respect for your own judgement on your body's signs. I've turned out to be right every time on my body, too. But I'm still hoping, just a tiny bit, for you.

10:48 PM  
Blogger theoneliner said...

Good grief. No one should have to go thru this once. And def. not 5 times.

I mean, maybe you're wrong and its just a bleep...but i agree with the others...we know our bodies.

I'm so so sorry.

1:47 AM  
Blogger serenity said...

*HUG* I have been thinking of you often these past few days.

Much love to you. I will be hoping for the best, even though I also respect your ability to read your body's signs.

2:09 AM  

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