Years later....

Well hullo there...it's been years......

Through another avenue completely I stumbled across my old blog.....reread some posts & felt utter compassion for me then, the pain I felt, the trauma I carried.

Wow - it was another time, another place & I can thankfully report that our prayers were answered. We were blessed. So blessed.

It's a long story & I can't really go into it all now but suffice to say I was diagnosed with Natural Killer cells (I knew it but it took a while to get the fucking dr's onto it) anyway.......we now have two magnificent (biologically ours) incredible daughters. Noa-Rose is almost three & a half & Amiel is 22 months. They are amazing & we are blessed.....& so very happy.

I thank God we are parents and we have a family.

I may one day come back to write some more but for now I just felt that needed to be said.

Bye for now.

Our perfect and precious little baby girl

I called our RE to get the results of the karyotype test. It was 9am. I was about to have an acupuncture appointment. I was feeling quite contained & had prepared myself to hear that it was a chromosomally normal embryo. And it was. His words were "the embryo was chromosomally normal". I asked for reasons, explanations ...then....why.....how come? He said he had no explanations. He said that he understood if we wanted to give up but felt we shouldn't at this stage. He has seen many couples lose chromosomally normal embryos for no explained reason & still carry to term. I told him we would not yet give up. He said he expected I would get my periods around the 10th Nov & on Day 1 I should call the nurses to start another cycle but in fact i wouldn't do another stimulated cycle till Dec......I was not teary, I was holding it together. I hung up the phone & walked across the road for my acupuncture appointment (with J, not L for old readers).

As I walked inside J's doors, I realised, he hadn't told me whether it was a boy or a girl. I called him back.....a part of me was unsure "do i really want / need to know this?" but I have always had a burning desire to know all.....if the information was available to know, then I had to have it...it was after all about our baby...why shouldn't I have the info......everyone had thought our baby had been a boy......and then he said...

"it was a girl"

I fell to pieces. I was not prepared to hear she had been my baby girl I had fantasised & dreamt about my whole life.

I had walked up the stairs & now was in J's clinic room sobbing loudly. I hung up. All I could do was sob into my hands. J hugged me.

A perfectly healthy baby girl.

She had been my fantasy. Suddenly she was real, she had identity & person. Instantly I could picture a little girl walking around my legs, I could picture holding our baby girl. All of a sudden - our chromosomally normal embryo turned into a little girl - our precious perfect baby girl.

It was the saddest day.

This was the first miscarriage we have had that we have discovered its gender & chromosomal make up.

I had the appointment with J - she was great. Together we discussed a possible plan forward....I wont go into this now....

I wanted to speak to A....I finally got to tell A close to midday.

A was devastated. He suggested we have some kind of ritual for her.

The sonographer had given us a photo of her before she died in utero & I still had the positive pregnancy test from weeks ago.

Earlier this year we buried our beloved very old, beautiful & special dog, S in a magical spot in our dog park. She over looks the cliffs & oceans & we planted natives around her. The plants suround & protect her. She is covered with a lovely slab of sandstone. A beautiful friend carved her name out of the stone & it has become a serene & tranquil spot that we visit almost each day. I suggested to bury her photo & pregnancy test right next to S...so we can honour & visit her there too.

I feel as though I've had a baby girl but then, ever so suddenly she was taken away.

I have no idea how couples cope who have a stillbirth but I have only compassion & awe for them. Our loss, I acknowledge doesnt come even close to losing a child after 9 mths but i did catch today a glimpse of having a real baby, not just an embryo & then losing her.

We are shattered.

My heart feels so heavy.

J said my heart pulse was empty. I asked her what this meant - & in such a matter of fact tone she responded 'youre shattered'. And I am, I definitely am.

Down Time

It has been a week since I wrote. I have had an intense, consuming work week. Work is consuming & distracting yet, the accumulative loss, grief & trauma of now 5 miscarriages is always with me & there are days where the tears are closer to the surface & almost nothing is needed for them to escape.

I worked extremely hard last week, long hours & by Fri I was exhausted. The over tiredness was enough to send me over the edge & I was teary all day. A woman at work was celebratig the first birthday of her twins - this fact sent me down a spiral of pain, torture, anger & grief. The politix of work sent me into distress as well. Im sure these events would bother me normally but now with my intense vulnerability - i was very distressed.

I have been disappointed by my friends...not all of them ofcourse but for a few...I just havent heard from them.....i wander if they think, after 5, were ok now, were used to it? or are they just bored & over it so they switch off? well it stinx - it has been hurtful & then Im also so over being hurt & disappointed by people.

Our RE called me late Fri afternoon. I didnt get to my mob till after 6 & I knew he had the karyotyping results. I was frustrated I would have to wait till Mon to get them but i also realised it wouldnt make a difference to my w'end......this baby was already dead - nothing would change the outcome.....I am though....quite anxious to receive them......

During my work week, I am stimulated, busy, challenged, mixing with wonderful interesting people. I am in control of so many things - I am watching them be realised & achieving a lot - it is satisfying. It is in fact the opposite of my internalised life right now. I coordinated a very significant program this week & I loved it. A few of us gave it everything we've got & it was such a success - it was a great feeling.

But when the weekend arrives, my down time doesnt feel great.... everything sinks & spirals down. A's work roster is really getting to me now. I am very over our little quality time - his crazy hours - i hate it. On a weekend day, not every w'end but 2 out of 4, he sleeps till the afternoon as he only got to bed close to 4am...we then have only a few hrs together & hes gone to work again. Im seriously over it. I know hes stressed by it too & at the moment his possibilities seem so limited but IM OVER IT. I really believe we shouldnt spend our lif working, building our careers to the point where our relationships & quality time suffer. I know A believes that too but at the moment we arent living this. And of course it isnt just this issue - its the trauma of 5 miscarriages, its within every pore of our skin, every cell in our psyche - i feel its darkness permeating everywhere except our work lives.

This week we have our 2 day adoption seminar Thurs & Fri......I dont really know what to expect. Will it be refreshing & provide a little hope & lightness back into our lives or will it reinforce our grief & loss.....or will it fall somewhere in between.......?

When does this lift? When will it shift?
When do we see the light at then end of this tunnel? or the silver lining to this cloud? My mum used to say to me 'the darkest hour is always before dawn'.....surely this is our darkest hour? Surely? So bring on fucking dawn!!!!!!!!

A dark cloud

Its been over a week since we lost our baby & as expected im depressed, teary, low, heavy hearted & pretty miserable. Work is extremely demanding at the moment so somehow i hold it together but return home to decompensate. There isnt much crying going on, just heavy darkness accompanied by that depressed lack of life. Everything feels too hard. I am manging to take the boys to the park for a run, throw them a few balls & thats it - dinners are take away, calls arent returned (in fact people have stopped calling). I think our supportive friends have in fact gotten quite used to this drama - there was a lot more support after the first, second & third miscarriage & i am feeling very lonely & isolated. A has been working alot but is hopefully changing jobs soon so we can have our lives back (well recurring miscarriages have destroyed that) but at least our time together.

My dreams or nightmares ( when i do manage to sleep) Im aware are quite disturbing. They are filled with themes of anxiety & feeling very attacked & threatened....not even my sleep is free from torture.

I havent written much at all about our process of considering adoption but it feels as tho i should bring you all up to speed with where we are at. Till a few months ago, adoption was to me so challenging & confronting. I desperately did & still do want our bio child/ren. Because it was so confronting I recognised i needed to explore it for me & unpack it which i started to do. After our 4th miscarriage - out of necessity we looked it up, made those first few scary enquiries. We were told from expressing interest to receiving a child can take 3 - 4 yrs so, as i said, out of necessity we thought we should start the process but keep trying as well & open both avenues. We sent of for our information, completed the expression of interest form & sent that off & in 2 weeks we are attending our adoption 2 day seminar. When we were booked in to attend, i was still pregnant with our 5 th pregnancy. I was well aware we could lose it by the time the seminar came round & we did.

As it approaches - adoption feels heavier, harder & more confronting.

I wont go into all the detail as id be here for days.....but we've ben thru quite a process & have realised that ideally we would like both - we would love (of course) to have biological children & adopt as well.

Of course if we cant have our own bio children then we will adopt anyway - but if i had a choice, i pray we could have one or two bio kids & then adopt one.

....A is approaching it in a lighter way. I feel the politicisation of it all so heavily. I've been looking things up on the net & have come across much info about how 'wrong' it is to remove a child from their environment etc.....

....its all feeling so hard, heavy & loaded.

And continuing to try naturally (or ivf) is also feeling so hard, heavy & loaded.

Nothing feels easy or manageable anymore.

This whole process of family making to me now feels so painful, so filled with trauma, loss, despair....

How I long for a time when A & I walk together in the world without a heavy dark cloud over us.

I wonder if that will ever be?

HOW CAN THIS BE?????????????????????????

Somehow I managed to return to work on Monday. It was so hard for both of us to return to a supposed reality & function. I didnt have a choice. At work we are commisioning a new facility now & loads of new staff are commencing next week & it was my gig to run the orientation week - i had no choice. Reality is hell.

The weekend we huddled together in our 'bomb shelter'. When we were close & safe from the emotional warfare somehow we protected eachother. Most of Sun we stayed in bed, cuddling, sleeping, etc. We wanted to hide from the world for as long as we could.

I have had bouts of distress, tears, etc but for the most part, just heaviness, darkness, despair.

When the tears do come though...they come with an energy & force. They are angry tears, desperate tears, panicked tears - at that time, my world feels unbearable, if the tears could speak...they would be screaming....

how will i survive? how will i cope? we will ever find happiness? we isnt the world protesting? why arent the drs & herbalists & everyone trying harder? why is this allowed to happen over & over?, why isnt this on the news? it is a world tragedy isnt it? surely it is? this wound is killing me....

This trauma & wound feels so un-real, so wrong, so unbelievable - its as if....a friend of mine could be telling me they knew someone who had endured 5 miscarriages - i would be overwhelmed with pain for that person, stunned at the cruelty & unfairness & tragedy of it, in awe of their survival - & then i realise that is me - i am that person - this nightmare is happening to us.....HOW CAN THIS BE???????????

I dont know how we will survive this.

And then every time when i feel the hysteria build inside of me, there is a voice warning me: you dont know whats ahead - what if you are to have another 5 or 10 miscarriages or never carry to term? - you cant fall apart now - this might be a picnic compared what you still have to go thru.....& then somehow I brace myself for this nightmare to go on....

dear god - i have prayed so hard to you for 2 yrs now, even longer & you arent listening but if there is any part of you that is hearing me - please god - help us - i need help, we need help - im surrendering to not being able to cope here & needing your intervention.....please help

Reality has set in

Reality has now set in. As with my last D&C, it wasn't till the procedure was over that emotionally I could start processing the reality of losing this baby. We had such high hopes for this pregnancy, for this baby. We are bereft, devastated, shattered, angry, despairing.....

The D&C was a little easier than last time. It was performed by our RE who i trust. It was at our clinic that i (unfortunately) felt comfortable in, the nurses (sadly) knew me & were lovely. I was teary & frightened. I hate the idea of general anaesthetics, I've always been afraid of them. I was sitting in the anaestetic lab getting a cannula put in to my left hand (very sore), I was given a shot of medazalam & that is all i remember.....quite disconcerting actually. With my last D&C, I didnt receive my G.A till i was in theatre, there was something real about it, i was in theatre. This time i wasn't even in theatre & then i was in recovery. I was sore & crampy. Afterwards, as i came to, i was very distressed & crying alot.....it was real, it was over, our baby was gone, why us?, why was this happening again? why are we being so tortured? what have we done to deserve this?

We came home & i collapsed into bed but hardly slept. During the afternoon, flowers were delivered from supportive friends. The flowers were lovely & colourful but everywhere else was just darkness all over again.

There is a huge void & emptiness. A huge sorrow that has opened up again. It had been temporarily filled with the hope of this pregnancy, the possibility that maybe this would be our time but no, for some cruel, unknown reason - this isnt our time......but im begginning to lose faith & hope that we will ever get there......whats begginning to be is a reality that we will continue to miscarry, that we will only ever miscarry.....

And in some sick, disturbing reality - we are used to this trauma, sorrow & pain.....we know what to do.....we know what happens...we know we shut down from the world, we burrow down in our safe bomb shelter, we hide from the world around us, see the very few we allow in, .....

A's parents have visited. They are upset & trying to be supportive but their style of support we find unhelpful. I am fond of them & appreciate their support but they keep telling me getting depressed will not be helpful. Yesterday I swallowed it. Today i told A i couldnt face hearing that again. I believe that after 5 miscarriages in 2 yrs, it is perfectly legitimate & justified to be depressed, it would be abnormal in fact not to be. Today they wanted to visit again but A told them they were not allowed to give unhelpful advice. They didnt visit.

I didnt want to get out of bed today.....it was awful to face the reality the day after.....the mornings are difficult as the reality of loss & pain is so stark, the night times are hard too as the darkness of inside is everywhere.

I am praying i do not experience the torture i experienced last d&c. Last time, after a few calm days, I started to endure the most physical pain I had ever felt - sheer torture for 10 days, the blleding was horrific as well. This time Im praying it does not happen again. So far yesterday i bled quite a lot but today not at all. I am a bit crampy today but very mild & tolerable.

Our RE called to see how I was today - i know it was just a courtesy call but still - i appreciated it.

So that is our current reality.....Our RE said half the material would be sent to pathology, half to genetics & in 3 wks we would get the results......What was our baby is now called 'material'

So we wait again.....more waiting.....

After the first or second miscarriage, I had never imagined the possibility of 5, so now I am trying to face the unknown with exactly that - more unknown.....i have no idea whats ahead for us.....will we have another 5 or more miscarriages? will we give up? will we ever get there?

I have no idea.

I do want to thank you all for your comments of support & sympathy. I feel supported to know that there are two worlds of support for us, the world we know of our friends & family & our blog world of people we've never met but which we share our inner world with - thanx to you xx

Our baby just died

We were so afraid this am. Our second baby had died at exactly 8 weeks & 2 days....and then we saw it, a large baby, bigger than last week, much bigger but no heartbeat. There was inactivity where there was supposed to be a strong vital beat. Our baby had died. It was measuring just 8 weeks & 2 days. It had just died, hours before....last night, or during the night or this morning. I knew what to do, I knew what happens, I knew the sonographer keeps looking for a beat that isnt there. We'd done this before.....we were shattered & numb at the same time. A put his head in his hands. I just cut off from what was happening. I was in survival mode. I wanted out of there.

I got dressed & left.

Called our RE.

My D&C is tomorrow 9am.

We dont know what to do with ourselves yet in a disturbing way Im actually a little used to this.....

I think i'll be more distressed tomorrow, today there is still autopilot reactions & shock that we are here again.

Our RE will get the baby karyotyped. Im scared we will find out it was a normal child. At least if it is a chromosomal prob...there is some explanation....does that make it more palatable?...i dont know anymore

He said we shouldnt give up. He said he has seen many recurring miscarriers (with results that were both chromosomally wrong & normal) carry to term.

At this stage A wants to give up.

At this stage i still feel pregnant.

At this stage i want to wake up & to find out this was all just a horrible nightmare.

This was our 5th pregnancy.

To me it is weird that we lost our second at exactly 8 wks 2 days...maybe there is some significant chromosomal developmental task that occurs at 8 wks 2 days that our babies have not been able to progress thru because we are missing some instrumental 8 wk 2 day gene...im not sure if that makes sense....but i hope you know what i mean....

I cant believe this is over.....

Why are we in the 5-10% that could still miscarry, why arent we ever in the 90% that wont?

Why does this keep happening?

I dont know if we'll ever carry our baby to term or birth our baby or see our baby's face for the first time....i was still hopeful but now im begginning to believe we will never get there.

A part of me wants to keep writing to you all.....to maintain the connection somehow....to keep this period & experience still alive in some way....but i have nothing really left to say & i guess our baby is dead...its just me wanting it all to be as it was....