Our perfect and precious little baby girl
I called our RE to get the results of the karyotype test. It was 9am. I was about to have an acupuncture appointment. I was feeling quite contained & had prepared myself to hear that it was a chromosomally normal embryo. And it was. His words were "the embryo was chromosomally normal". I asked for reasons, explanations ...then....why.....how come? He said he had no explanations. He said that he understood if we wanted to give up but felt we shouldn't at this stage. He has seen many couples lose chromosomally normal embryos for no explained reason & still carry to term. I told him we would not yet give up. He said he expected I would get my periods around the 10th Nov & on Day 1 I should call the nurses to start another cycle but in fact i wouldn't do another stimulated cycle till Dec......I was not teary, I was holding it together. I hung up the phone & walked across the road for my acupuncture appointment (with J, not L for old readers).
As I walked inside J's doors, I realised, he hadn't told me whether it was a boy or a girl. I called him back.....a part of me was unsure "do i really want / need to know this?" but I have always had a burning desire to know all.....if the information was available to know, then I had to have it...it was after all about our baby...why shouldn't I have the info......everyone had thought our baby had been a boy......and then he said...
"it was a girl"
I fell to pieces. I was not prepared to hear she had been my baby girl I had fantasised & dreamt about my whole life.
I had walked up the stairs & now was in J's clinic room sobbing loudly. I hung up. All I could do was sob into my hands. J hugged me.
A perfectly healthy baby girl.
She had been my fantasy. Suddenly she was real, she had identity & person. Instantly I could picture a little girl walking around my legs, I could picture holding our baby girl. All of a sudden - our chromosomally normal embryo turned into a little girl - our precious perfect baby girl.
It was the saddest day.
This was the first miscarriage we have had that we have discovered its gender & chromosomal make up.
I had the appointment with J - she was great. Together we discussed a possible plan forward....I wont go into this now....
I wanted to speak to A....I finally got to tell A close to midday.
A was devastated. He suggested we have some kind of ritual for her.
The sonographer had given us a photo of her before she died in utero & I still had the positive pregnancy test from weeks ago.
Earlier this year we buried our beloved very old, beautiful & special dog, S in a magical spot in our dog park. She over looks the cliffs & oceans & we planted natives around her. The plants suround & protect her. She is covered with a lovely slab of sandstone. A beautiful friend carved her name out of the stone & it has become a serene & tranquil spot that we visit almost each day. I suggested to bury her photo & pregnancy test right next to S...so we can honour & visit her there too.
I feel as though I've had a baby girl but then, ever so suddenly she was taken away.
I have no idea how couples cope who have a stillbirth but I have only compassion & awe for them. Our loss, I acknowledge doesnt come even close to losing a child after 9 mths but i did catch today a glimpse of having a real baby, not just an embryo & then losing her.
We are shattered.
My heart feels so heavy.
J said my heart pulse was empty. I asked her what this meant - & in such a matter of fact tone she responded 'youre shattered'. And I am, I definitely am.
As I walked inside J's doors, I realised, he hadn't told me whether it was a boy or a girl. I called him back.....a part of me was unsure "do i really want / need to know this?" but I have always had a burning desire to know all.....if the information was available to know, then I had to have it...it was after all about our baby...why shouldn't I have the info......everyone had thought our baby had been a boy......and then he said...
"it was a girl"
I fell to pieces. I was not prepared to hear she had been my baby girl I had fantasised & dreamt about my whole life.
I had walked up the stairs & now was in J's clinic room sobbing loudly. I hung up. All I could do was sob into my hands. J hugged me.
A perfectly healthy baby girl.
She had been my fantasy. Suddenly she was real, she had identity & person. Instantly I could picture a little girl walking around my legs, I could picture holding our baby girl. All of a sudden - our chromosomally normal embryo turned into a little girl - our precious perfect baby girl.
It was the saddest day.
This was the first miscarriage we have had that we have discovered its gender & chromosomal make up.
I had the appointment with J - she was great. Together we discussed a possible plan forward....I wont go into this now....
I wanted to speak to A....I finally got to tell A close to midday.
A was devastated. He suggested we have some kind of ritual for her.
The sonographer had given us a photo of her before she died in utero & I still had the positive pregnancy test from weeks ago.
Earlier this year we buried our beloved very old, beautiful & special dog, S in a magical spot in our dog park. She over looks the cliffs & oceans & we planted natives around her. The plants suround & protect her. She is covered with a lovely slab of sandstone. A beautiful friend carved her name out of the stone & it has become a serene & tranquil spot that we visit almost each day. I suggested to bury her photo & pregnancy test right next to S...so we can honour & visit her there too.
I feel as though I've had a baby girl but then, ever so suddenly she was taken away.
I have no idea how couples cope who have a stillbirth but I have only compassion & awe for them. Our loss, I acknowledge doesnt come even close to losing a child after 9 mths but i did catch today a glimpse of having a real baby, not just an embryo & then losing her.
We are shattered.
My heart feels so heavy.
J said my heart pulse was empty. I asked her what this meant - & in such a matter of fact tone she responded 'youre shattered'. And I am, I definitely am.