Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Truth Time.....Confrontation.

The physical pain has subsided as have the clots & i continue to bleed. I recall last miscarriage I bled for many more days than my usual period so Im preparing for another week even....& as the blood sheds, I do feel a little less trapped by the trauma & pain. It is all there I know but I am having moments when I can think of other things.....like.....

We have booked a very beautiful & cosy weekender for mid July in the mountains & we can take the boys so I cant wait. These days we take them on almost every holiday or weekend away. We wouldnt have it any other way. Thankfully we manange to find beautiful places that accept dogs. In the past while weve been on this painful rollercoaster I havent wanted to go on any relaxing holidays because last year when we headed away for a supposedly blissful week of nothingness....I found I became very depressed....when we had loads of time to sit & reflect & ponder & think, I found all I did was get very sad about the miscarriages & not being pregnant. So after that holiday I made a decision if we were to go on any holiday, it would have to be an action packed, stimulating holiday where we are kept busy by new sights & smells etc.....but after this last miscarriage, we do, once again feel the need to escape into nothingness just the four of us & breathe a little away from it all. A loves the mountains & the cold & to be honest I love the heat but theres a beautiful fire in our weekender & it'll do us good to get away. I just hope we do manage to get away...in our minds & hearts i mean, to let go a little & breathe.

Over the w'end I spoke to quite a few friends & let them know where i was at ....with finding it all too hard to be communicating about it & I am now relieved. Strangely, I don't mind blogging about it but i do mind talking about it with my friends.....in all the pain & confusion in my mind im experiencing, there are some things Im very clear about & one of them is i dont want to be talking about it with my friends at the moment (& for how long this lasts)...im sick of answering the same old questions, repeating the painful truth & it doesnt benefit me at all to talk about it. I understand they would like to know where things are at for me but Im feeling a little selfish with me at the moment, Im over talking about it & if it doesnt help me than i wont be doing it.....but blogging about it all feels very different.....becuase thats not answering the same old, same old, its writing whatever i feel like writing at that moment

Ok...Truth time. I read Jills entry & was overwhelmed at her decision to adopt a child. I respect her decision. I respect her pain & process that brought her to that decision. I believe she is brave & courageous to reach that decision & I am in awe of her being able to say 'enough' & decide to adopt......I was also terribly confronted by that decision. I know this is a very personal, unique process for everyone who travels this path & I know it is not helpful for me to think about me & our process at all in response to Jills but it is also natural & i am only human & i found it very confronting. When will we decide 'enough'? at 6 miscarriages? Well that means i only have two more chances.....Till now my husband & I have committed to try our hardest & keep going till we know we cant go on any more. We've both identified that at this stage we dont know when that will be but we will both know when we get there. After the trauma of this last miscarriage he said to me 'we can stop if you want babe, its your call'......though momentarily I cried to him that 'id had enough', I didnt really mean that.

We have met a few couples who persevered thru unbelievable odds. One woman, M, was 37 when she started ivf, had one child at 43 & another at 45 & had over 27 cycles. She lost count of her miscarriages & they sold their house to fund the exercise. All up they spent $300, 000. I have never met a more heroic woman & I have cried to her. In fact after this miscarriage I called her. She told me - Whenever I feel like I'd had enough just to go on that little bit more, she told me to persevere, to be relentless & we would get there. Similarly another couple I know persevered for 9 yrs, had 3 children & told me to keep going. (she was a lot younger than me when she started). My chinese herbalist who treats hundreds of women trying to get pregnant told me that for those who persevere, only a very few dont get there......& these are the messages we have chosen to follow (for now anyway)....but i cant deny Jills entry was confronting to me......at this stage, no i dont want to give up trying naturally but i wont deny, i am afraid of whats ahead, very afraid.

After miscarriage 2 -when i was a teary mess, A said to me 'babe, if we have to, we will adopt but for now were not there yet'. I liked that we both knew if we had too, we would but we werent there yet & i know were not there yet now either but.....at what point will we be there - 10 miscarriages, 12, 5?????

There was something confronting about Jills decision because 4 miscarriages is close to 6 & she made that decision at 6 & I totally respect her decision & her pain.......her 6 ....it was close to home for me & my 4.

Every friend tells me 'we will get there'......& I know they have no idea whether we will or not. Some really affirm it, they tell me they can feel we will definitely get there......in the past I have had that feeling too - a knowingness we will get there but I dont know what that feeling is.....is it hope? is it dreams? is it fear to allow for maybe we wont? is it unbelievable yearning? is it an idenification & a love for my mother so much so that i feel i too will be a mother?, is it past life experience that makes me feels like being a mother is familiar to me? is it family & community pressure? NO ONE REALLY KNOWS if we will get there......

I know one thing, if I am yet to have another 5 or 10 miscarriages - i hope I dont wish i would have called it quits after 4. I know whatever we decide for us will be the right decision & I trust that. I trust A & i deciding together in this process.

All i know right now is that for now we are choosing to continue to try. I do not know past right here & right now.


Anonymous Jill said...

I'm so very sorry about your miscarriage. I'm glad that at least the physical pain has subsided, though. I hope that your getaway in the mountains will be just what you need to finish healing physically and to start healing emotionally.

Deciding when "enough is enough" is such a personal decision that looms in the mind of every recurrent miscarrier. I fully understand and support people who are able to keep trying, and I fully understand and support people who decide to call it quits. I believe that each of us will know if/when we reach our limit.

The thing about quitting and moving on to adoption that is the hardest for me is that I always had felt that I needed to end this journey with a successful pregnancy in order to heal and to make all the preceding pain worthwhile. I felt that I needed to give birth so that I finally could see a pregnant belly or attend a baby shower without hurting inside.

But now for the first time I just KNOW: that I've had enough, that it's time to move on, that I can be healed in other ways, that it's a family that I want much more than a successful pregnancy or a genetic connection. I know that I'm finally ready to adopt and to close the door on another pregnancy. I'm very sad about it in some ways; it's hard to let go of a dream, but I feel that it's time for me to do so.

I pray that you will have a successful pregnancy and a healthy baby before you ever really have to confront your limit...but if you do ever reach that limit, I believe that you will know it and that there still can be joy ahead.

1:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your losses. The decision to try again is so difficult especially when you have experienced so much pain and loss time and time again. The fact we cannot see the future doesn't help either. The facilitator of the pregnancy loss support group I am in askes us when we are so down and wonder will we ever be able to have a live baby to ask ourselves deep down inside do we believe or feel it is going to happen. I have told her "yes." I don't know for sure, but I feel it within myself and that is what keeps me going. I think it is also a stubborness because so many of my dreams in life have not been realized and I have experienced so many other losses that I cannot give up this dream, too.

I have had 8 miscarriages in about the past 15 months. We saw the heart beats with the first two babies last April and August and lost the heart beat on the next ultrasound for them both one week later in May and August. I have had 6 chemical or periimplantation pregnancy losses since Janurary 1, 2006. Four were conceived with Follistim injections and two were conceived without fertility hormones. I have PCOS, hypothyroidism, MS, and now it is believed I have the rare and most difficult to treat thrombophilia, Antithrombin III deficiency. (the doctors only tested for the most common thrombophilias after the second baby died - if they had followed the March of Dimes guidelines they should have tested for the lesser common ones, too - even after only two losses and could have possibly spared me the heartache of 6 more losses. Plus my former RE could have tested after the second lost on Follistim instead of wanting to increase the dose and see if more follicles would increase the odds one would "stick.") I am seeing a new RE who has an real interest in RPL.

I am still very determined to have a baby even if it means now knowing I face a definite high risk pregnancy. My DH is still determined to insure we have a baby, too. It has not been easy - I have quit my job after enduring what I can only say was pure corporate American hatefulness after my first baby, a daughter died; had to endure stupidity and insensitivity from doctors and nurses, especially from the ones who are suppose to be giving me the support and TLC needed by recurrent miscarriers; make friendships with other women who are going through this nightmare also; and find an inner strength to continue.

I do not know if I will ever make it. Some days I do, some days I do not. Some minutes I do, other minutes I do not. Some days I am so exhausted and numb I do not remember why I am doing this to myself. Other days the desire to hold and smell my own baby and be able to breastfeed my little one is so excrusciating I cannot breath.

Right now I prefer to surround myself by people who spur me on to not give up. I could not stand it when some people immediately started talking about why didn't my DH and I just stop trying and adopt after the second loss, because they had friends who did after they experienced one or two miscarriages. Lately I cannot stand the ones now who wonder if I should think about donor eggs or a sarrogate or if I have been tested to see why this is happening. I just wish they would understand I have read and reseached so much about infertility and recurrent miscarriages that I should be given an honorary PHD!!! My eggs are fine. No, I will not try a sarrogate. I want to carry and give birth to my own baby. I have been tested so much my arms believe they are pin cushions and my pelvis has panic attacks. I just need to hear "I am so sorry for your losses" or support to keep keeping on not unsolicted advice that does nothing but upset me and my brain chemistry.

I adore my neurologist, but yesterday at my appointment I came away crying. I know he is frustated because he wants me to be able to start MS treatment as soon as possible and does not know how long it is going to take for us to succeed in bringing a baby to term. He also only wants to give me a month to breastfeed (up from 2 weeks 6 months ago) and then to give it up for treatment. I cannot commit to this because I want to breastfeed for as long as possible and only a 1/3 of women have a horrible flare up after pregnancy - so why give up my dream especially after so much loss already? I could always take steroid IV treatment for a few days if it gets really bad. I feel like a freak enough as it is and basically hate pregnant women and those with newborns as it is. This would only give me one more reason to hate women - those who can breastfeed.

Best wishes and lots of hugs to you.

1:41 AM  
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10:52 AM  

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