Saturday, July 01, 2006

Life in my bomb shelter

Sleeping pills are a good poison. I slept all nite for the first time in ages. We stayed in bed till late morning. It was indulgent but so necessary. It was a beautiful day so we headed out, just the four of us for a lovely coast walk. I was in pain all day, at times it was quite ok but at other times very painful - it was a cruel reminder of what was happening.

A & I are both low, the mood & tone of our interaction & dialogue is filled with grief & fear & uncertainty. We sat on the cliff & looked out for whales. There werent any today. Maybe they've all passed through & are already heading North to birth.

This arvo I called some friends who had called during the week. I feel close to them all & ideally wish I had the energy to connect & see them but i explained I was in survival mode & had no resources.

To one dear friend who has been very supportive, I explained I felt like we (A & I) had headed down into our bomb shelter & since that conversation, the metaphor has stayed with me. Thats exactly how I feel.

Its as if this 4th miscarriage has heralded doom & disaster. There are some experiences & events that you get used to managing when they keep happening. But not miscarriage - with each one, the loss feels greater & the dream feels harder to reach. Each miscarriage for me doesnt indicate we are getting closer but rather, this is so much harder than we ever anticipated. When we started trying to have a baby my worst nitemare was having to undergo IVF. I had never even considered i could ever have 4 miscarriages. And so with this miscarriage, I feel as though- it just gets harder & harder, worse than my darkest nitemare & with that realisation comes huger uncertainty & terror of whats ahead - If i had never imagined this could go down, what, for the life of me, is ahead of us? And that question which feels more like a state of mind has made me want to pack our dearest precious belongings, grab the dogs & head down to our bomb shelter & just be together & huddle in our darkness till its all over.

And that explains my state of mind & heart. Its war time & trauma. People who are in war & hiding in bomb shelters do not go out to socialise or shop or entertain themselves & that is where im at - im huddled with A & our dogs in our dark, contained, deep bomb shelter.

I have no idea how long this war will go for but thats where I'll be.

This arvo when I was telling my friends that I couldnt respond to all their calls & connect with them, some of them enquired about support & asked whether I was getting any? I explained to them that I had a blog & that I connected most nites to my international miscarriage virtual support group & I explained that it was 'just right' as far as support goes. I am grateful for this blog & to all of you who are experiencing the trauma of multiple miscarriage. I adore my friends & they are wonderfully supportive but there is something very special & helpful about connecting with people who are experiencing the same thing.

19 Comments:

Anonymous Kath said...

Dear Womb, your bomb-shelter image really got under my skin -- I so recognize that feeling. How very apt that image is, on so many levels. How hard it is sometimes to talk to people who are not in this war, who aren't governed by this sadness and shock and fear.

I am so hoping your appointment with the miscarriage specialist brings you some answers. Please let there be some answers for you.

10:53 PM  
Blogger Thalia said...

I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through, I do hope that the physical pain of this is over soon and that the doctor will be able to help you make some sense of this.

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Blogger sube said...

It's so hard, I know. But the air raid sirens will eventually go away and you'll be able to venture out into the light of day. Eventually. In the meantime, hunker down and take care of yourself.

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Anonymous Nikole said...

Dearest Womb, I also was struck by the bomb shelter image. How true this is, and how well you have described it. I read your posts and feel you are speaking the feelings in my very own heart. These times are so dark, so hopeless. It has really made me question my beliefs and the ways of the world. It shakes you to the core. Know that I am here, holding a light for you, ready with open arms when it is time to emerge.

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