Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Spinach & leek fritters..hhmm..being cared for.

Nikole from Babylust recommended a book - Coming to term. I ordered it from amazon & it arrived yesterday. It is so far, hitting the spot. Im not sleeping well, quite terribly actually. I am amazed I manage to function all day & drive to & home from work. I am very grateful for my new job.

I was in a soulless job but where the pay & conditions were great for maternity leave. I was stuck there waiting for our baby that never came. A few months ago, after struggling for 18 mths over this, I decided I needed to care about me too, not just this baby. I feared I may never have a baby or maybe I would but in years away still so i took the plunge & decided to leave & find a job where i was truly happy, felt effective & could make a difference. It has been years since I was in a job where i felt effective & had a valuable worthwhile purpose & finally I am there I am grateful for this job. It means that I have a new focus. Of course it cannot overshadow our losses & miscarriages but while Im there im busy & distracted & purposeful & thank god!

After working hard, long days I am returning home to yummy cooked dinners by A. He has over recent months, as Ive slowly lost my ability to cope with the mundane tasks of cooking dinner, taken a much greater role in our kitchen & now it has become normal for him to create a yummy, nurturing dinner for me. I feel cared for in a way i havent for such a long time, since, in fact, my mother would cook for me & as I write this the tears start rolling down my cheeks. Dont get me wrong A cares for me enormously but never really mastered the cooking for me. When he needed to provide the dinner if I wasnt up to it he would collect a take away which was ok but I missed so much the specific feeling of being cooked for & cared for. I havent experienced this for almost 4 years & it has touched me & warmed my heart so much that he has been cooking & caring for me in this way. I knew I missed it & had told him before that when im really low i'd love it if he cooked for me but now he is & they are recipes i like to eat & have chosen. ive had dinner cooked for me by people (mother in law, relos, friends etc) since my mum died but they werent really 'for me', they were cooked meals. But mum used to cook in a special way. She knew exactly what i loved to eat, the types of foods, special meals & when i'd visit i'd be spoiled by my favourite foods & in each mouthful you would know they were made with love & just for you.......& since our last miscarriage, A has been doing that cooking with love & just for me & it makes me feel so cared for. Thanxxxxx A.

There are often times I start an entry & have no idea what i will write but it pours out of me & that is what i needed to write that night & there are other times Im very purposefully wrting about something because there is only that one thing on my mind.....this writing is good.....& so is the reading.....thanx to you all

& a particular thanx to jill for sharing her insights & feelings with me & knowing I was confronted by her decision.

Im hitting the sack early & going to devour more 'coming to term'...if im not sleeping then at least im able to devour relevant & helpful material.


Blogger Yidchick said...

My dearest, I am so glad you're blogging. Keep it up. And please ask A to send some spinach and leek fritters my way...

9:20 PM  
Anonymous Lisa said...

Coming to Term was the first book I read after my second miscarriage. It answered so many of my questions from both an emotional and physical standpoint - such a comfort. I hope it does the same for you.

10:50 AM  
Blogger Thalia said...

I found coming to term very helpful as well. It's very matter of fact and quite comforting in all the data it lays out.

I'm so glad that A is looking out for you.

7:11 PM  
Anonymous Nikole said...

I'm glad that you are finding the book helpful. I think I have read it 3 times. With each m/c, it is the first book I reach for.

Oh, the comforts of being cared for. I'm glad that A is provding this for you. It is so important.

I find it so interesting to read about your job transition. It is exactly what I am going through right now. In fact, figuring out that part of my life is even more overwhelming than dealing with the loss. Reading your story gives me hope and courage to make some big changes in my life, to start caring for my soul. Thank you.

1:17 AM  
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