Our baby just died

We were so afraid this am. Our second baby had died at exactly 8 weeks & 2 days....and then we saw it, a large baby, bigger than last week, much bigger but no heartbeat. There was inactivity where there was supposed to be a strong vital beat. Our baby had died. It was measuring just 8 weeks & 2 days. It had just died, hours before....last night, or during the night or this morning. I knew what to do, I knew what happens, I knew the sonographer keeps looking for a beat that isnt there. We'd done this before.....we were shattered & numb at the same time. A put his head in his hands. I just cut off from what was happening. I was in survival mode. I wanted out of there.

I got dressed & left.

Called our RE.

My D&C is tomorrow 9am.

We dont know what to do with ourselves yet in a disturbing way Im actually a little used to this.....

I think i'll be more distressed tomorrow, today there is still autopilot reactions & shock that we are here again.

Our RE will get the baby karyotyped. Im scared we will find out it was a normal child. At least if it is a chromosomal prob...there is some explanation....does that make it more palatable?...i dont know anymore

He said we shouldnt give up. He said he has seen many recurring miscarriers (with results that were both chromosomally wrong & normal) carry to term.

At this stage A wants to give up.

At this stage i still feel pregnant.

At this stage i want to wake up & to find out this was all just a horrible nightmare.

This was our 5th pregnancy.

To me it is weird that we lost our second at exactly 8 wks 2 days...maybe there is some significant chromosomal developmental task that occurs at 8 wks 2 days that our babies have not been able to progress thru because we are missing some instrumental 8 wk 2 day gene...im not sure if that makes sense....but i hope you know what i mean....

I cant believe this is over.....

Why are we in the 5-10% that could still miscarry, why arent we ever in the 90% that wont?

Why does this keep happening?

I dont know if we'll ever carry our baby to term or birth our baby or see our baby's face for the first time....i was still hopeful but now im begginning to believe we will never get there.

A part of me wants to keep writing to you all.....to maintain the connection somehow....to keep this period & experience still alive in some way....but i have nothing really left to say & i guess our baby is dead...its just me wanting it all to be as it was....