A Yukky Day

What a few days....draining, exhausting, full on. I've been writing how these recurring losses have seemed to bind A & I closely together but in the last week, we've had those awful days where our conversation disconnects & the closeness recedes to a far place....& it hasn't been lovely.

Then my father announces he has been having severe chest pain & has had a test come back that his cardiologist wasn't happy with & was needing to go into hospital for an angiogram & potentially an angioplasty today, quickly, all of a sudden.....

I have had a very difficult relationship with my father my entire life. But he is still my father & i do love him. The thought of him going into hospital for this procedure (though i knew it is generally low key these days) still moved me, scared me....I've lost my mum & the thought of losing my dad is awful - hes all ive got as far as my nuclear family goes.

Then the next day, Dad & I had a terrible fight. I called his dr to ask about his cardiac situation & my father was furious that i'd interfered. He wasn't grateful I was concerned. He was furious I'd interfered. I was angry, upset & my whole 37 yrs of conflict with him came up & made me angry & say things that only an awful daughter would say.

That evening he called & apologised & yet again, i was there caring for him - he is my only father, my only parent.

& today he went into hospital. It was a strange day. I was in a way sad I wasn't there with him in pre-op as I had been always for my mother but we are not as close. He did not want me to be there with him. In another way, it was very ok I wasn't there with him.

& my afternoon at work was the worst yet, a very yukky political afternoon that has left me very uncomfortable. I have to deal with this tomorrow but it shook me & left me feeling insecure & not ok.

& then i returned home & A & I had an argument, one that had been coming all week.

& then i went off to the hospital to meet my dad in recovery, of course they wouldn't let me see him in recovery & i had to wait in coronary care for him ...& wait....& wait....

& he is ok. he is more tender than usual, more vulnerable. I feed him & attend to his needs & communicate on his behalf to the nurse. He is a charming patient but high maintenance. He was not allowed to mobilise but didnt want to use the bottle for doing a wee...he explained to the nurse he was scared of catching hiv...he is an intelligent worldly man, but paranoid, untrusting & stubborn. He finally got it & realised he was not going to be allowed to mobilise & so he eventually pee'd in a bottle.

He was starving but wanted dessert. They brought him what was left in the kitchen.

The nurse asked him a load of questions including ones about whether he was coping at home. he said 'only so-so'.

I was sad the whole time I was there.

It was agony watching my beloved mum become sick, sicker & let go & now my dad starts his decline & though we have endured huge struggles - he is my father, my difficult father. He is 84.

I am tired, haven't been sleeping, am drained & want it all to go away....i wish A & I were close & connected. I wish i could sleep. I wish this month of testing was over. I wish dad was well. I wish my mum was alive. I wish i wasnt a miscarrier. I wish i didnt have to had blood taken at 7am tomorrow, I wish i didnt have to have an endometrial biopsy on fri.

Yes, today was a yukky day.