The biospy that wasn't meant to hurt
I was dreading the biospy. I wasn't sure whether it would be ok or whether it would really hurt...I'd heard both extremes. I raced around at work all morning & raced to the day surgery, got there late & A was waiting for me with a yummy sandwich. We were sent sraight in. RE advised me that usually he doesnt give any of his patients pain relief prior to the biospy but because it was me, would give me some fentinel. I felt a little bad...he obviously believes im a wimp & have a very low threshold...on the other hand, i thought who cares what he thinks...at least i get pain relief.
Next i knew I was in the chair, legs in stirrups, feeling quite out of it - thank god for fentinel. he explained this would take 5 mins...not so.....my cervix was very tight & wouldn't allow the catheter through. For the next 30mins, he tried & tried to dilate my cervix & squeeze the catheter thru - it hurt, it hurt a lot.....i felt violated, awful & began to cry....why is everything so hard for us?....why is it never as it is supposed to be? A was there by my side. A nurse was giving our RE all the weird instruments he was asking for & i swear to you one of them looked like a 17th century archaic instrument that would render me without a cervix altogether.....RE kept apologising that it is not supposed to hurt so much but my cervix was tight & my retroverted uterus made it hard for RE to see where / how to progress through.
I wasn't suprised my cervix wouldnt allow the catheter through...i thought my cervix was protesting...of course it would....it doesnt want this intervention....RE started saying he didnt want to keep trying as it was causing me too much pain & he would give it one more go & if it didnt go through I'd have to go back Mon for a general anaesthetic.....I so didn't want to endure that...I closed my eyes & prayed so hard to my mum to help me & on that attempt he got it through. I don't know if it was mum - but i sure want to believe it was.
Then the actual cutting of my endometrium was ok -a sharp, painful cut but so quick it was fine....it had been the cervix widening battle that was so awful. He wheeled me into recovery & I felt drained & violated & just awful. I cried to A - I was fed up.
That was the final investigative miscarriage test i had to have. They're all over.
Thank God.
While I was sitting in recovery...my miscarriage management nurse came down to chat. She's lovely & I'm glad I've connected with her. Yet again I asked her the same old questions I've asked her so many times;
"So out of all your miscarriage patients, do most end up carrying to term?"
"Even the bad ones like me-do they?"
"Do you still think we'll be ok"
And once again my patient nurse explained to me that clexane was a wonder drug & it seems to be an immune modulator & that seems to be all that is needed as long as we get the chromosomally normal embryo. She went on to explain that she has had miscarring patients who have had 2,3, 4 - even up to 11 miscarriages & they have all carried to term....with clexane & with good chromosomes....
i get stumped at that point as we've already had one pregnancy with clexane & still miscarried but at that point she repeatedly jumps in with - its unfortunately a numbers game....you will get there....when we get the right chromosomes....with clexane you'll be right....
This time i seemed to hear it in a different way. The negative, fearful filter of ''It wont happen to me, theres something wrong" wasn't as loud as usual. I really want to believe what she said, what they all say, the RE's too. I think if i truly believe it will happen then it may....but Im very scared to believe it will happen, on one crazy level its easier to actually believe i'll keep miscarrying....
In a way, now that we've finished all the tests & now that im invested in a job Im happy in, maybe i can relax more & just keep trying & when we get there, we get there. I know though, any more miscarriages will bring the same (in fact more) trauma all over again.
But for now Im going to try & be more trusting & positive & believe we will get there.
Next i knew I was in the chair, legs in stirrups, feeling quite out of it - thank god for fentinel. he explained this would take 5 mins...not so.....my cervix was very tight & wouldn't allow the catheter through. For the next 30mins, he tried & tried to dilate my cervix & squeeze the catheter thru - it hurt, it hurt a lot.....i felt violated, awful & began to cry....why is everything so hard for us?....why is it never as it is supposed to be? A was there by my side. A nurse was giving our RE all the weird instruments he was asking for & i swear to you one of them looked like a 17th century archaic instrument that would render me without a cervix altogether.....RE kept apologising that it is not supposed to hurt so much but my cervix was tight & my retroverted uterus made it hard for RE to see where / how to progress through.
I wasn't suprised my cervix wouldnt allow the catheter through...i thought my cervix was protesting...of course it would....it doesnt want this intervention....RE started saying he didnt want to keep trying as it was causing me too much pain & he would give it one more go & if it didnt go through I'd have to go back Mon for a general anaesthetic.....I so didn't want to endure that...I closed my eyes & prayed so hard to my mum to help me & on that attempt he got it through. I don't know if it was mum - but i sure want to believe it was.
Then the actual cutting of my endometrium was ok -a sharp, painful cut but so quick it was fine....it had been the cervix widening battle that was so awful. He wheeled me into recovery & I felt drained & violated & just awful. I cried to A - I was fed up.
That was the final investigative miscarriage test i had to have. They're all over.
Thank God.
While I was sitting in recovery...my miscarriage management nurse came down to chat. She's lovely & I'm glad I've connected with her. Yet again I asked her the same old questions I've asked her so many times;
"So out of all your miscarriage patients, do most end up carrying to term?"
"Even the bad ones like me-do they?"
"Do you still think we'll be ok"
And once again my patient nurse explained to me that clexane was a wonder drug & it seems to be an immune modulator & that seems to be all that is needed as long as we get the chromosomally normal embryo. She went on to explain that she has had miscarring patients who have had 2,3, 4 - even up to 11 miscarriages & they have all carried to term....with clexane & with good chromosomes....
i get stumped at that point as we've already had one pregnancy with clexane & still miscarried but at that point she repeatedly jumps in with - its unfortunately a numbers game....you will get there....when we get the right chromosomes....with clexane you'll be right....
This time i seemed to hear it in a different way. The negative, fearful filter of ''It wont happen to me, theres something wrong" wasn't as loud as usual. I really want to believe what she said, what they all say, the RE's too. I think if i truly believe it will happen then it may....but Im very scared to believe it will happen, on one crazy level its easier to actually believe i'll keep miscarrying....
In a way, now that we've finished all the tests & now that im invested in a job Im happy in, maybe i can relax more & just keep trying & when we get there, we get there. I know though, any more miscarriages will bring the same (in fact more) trauma all over again.
But for now Im going to try & be more trusting & positive & believe we will get there.
posted by Nicky at 6:43 PM
4 Comments:
I pray that it will come much easier for you than it has in the past. I read hope in your words and I can only wish for you that you continue to cling to that hope as time goes on. Sending you positive thoughts, energy and prayers.
I am so sorry the biopsy was so painful. I hope you never have to experience that again. It sounds awful. I'll be thinking of you and hoping for the best.
Your biopsy experience sounds very similar to a combination endometrial biopsy and HSG that I had last winter. All I can say is OUCH, and I'm sorry that you had to go through that. What a relief, though, that all your tests are done now.
I'm wishing you all the best as you move forward.
I'm so sorry your biopsy was so uncomfortable. I'm just glad it's behind you. It sounds a lot like my HSG experience, which was awfully painful, but only last 5 minutes. The good news is that your tests are behind you know. Thinking of you....
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