Saturday, July 22, 2006

Sadness descends yet again

Well it seems like the vulnerability & sadness that came up for me last night remains today, im feeling sad & low today, i feel as though the sadness is descending once again & there isn't any room for anything else. A few times i've thought of her (the blogger I wrote about yesterday) & i cannot even imagine her joy spending these first few days getting to know her very own baby. That joy feels so far from me, it feels so unattainable right now.

I slept in today, walked the boys & then caught up with one of my closest friends. While it is good & comforting to see close friends, i am also finding it so hard & it takes a lot of energy & effort. It was good though. She is supportive & comforting & understands my need not to be talking about it. It was a lot easier to be talking about her world & the distraction was good.

Tonight we're off to another close friend to see his new pad & then 5 of us are having dinner together. I will be with very close loyal friends who understand my world & pain but even still it feels so hard - i havent been that social in a long time. Im no good at it anymore. I will go but there's a huge part of me that is dreading it.

It feels too hard when there is so much vulnerability & sadness around me to be social & out in the world. Im much more comfortable remaining in my bomb shelter.


Anonymous Nikole said...

I'm sory that that intense sadness is lingering for you--it can be so heavy. I wish I could give you a big hug. I have been a little more social in the past week or so, but, like you said, it is difficult. I generally feel like I have to put on a mask--even with friends who are supportive and understanding. It's hard to "fake it" all day at work and then have to fake it some more for outings with friends.
I hope you are able to enjoy yourself some tonight, and that once you are there, it won't be as bad as you had imagined. I hope you can give yourself permission to stay in that bomb shelter whenever you need to.

5:48 AM  
Blogger Amber said...

Oh honey, come here and let me give you a hug. I'm so sorry you are in this awful emotional state, although I completely understand, as I have been there many times myself.
One thing I promised myself, is that I wouldn't completely shut the world out. While there were days where I just couldn't bear to go out, I had to make myself do it, at least once in a while. And depsite it sucking on numerous occasions, in the long run, it was better to have more days out, than in the bomb shelter.
Surround yourself with those that can help. Even if the only ones that can understand are your "online friends", then lean on them, and us.
I'm truly sorry for your pain.

6:07 AM  
Blogger Thalia said...

I've found that being social is often easier when I've got there than in the anticipation. Although I do just also get to a point in the evening where I want to go home, right now.

I hope you had a better time than you were expecting.

7:57 AM  

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