Friday, July 21, 2006

Bereft

When we were considering ivf last year after two natural conceptions & miscarriages, a friend of mine told me to visit a blog. It was the blog of a friend of hers who was struggling with infertility. It was in fact the first blog i ever read & it introduced me to blogland. Very shortly after that, we both went through an ivf cycle. For me it was my first, for her a frozen cycle but from her first stimulated cycle. She got pregnant with twins, lost one but continued to carry till Tues when she gave birth to her baby.

Im so happy for her. Of course I am. She had a hard & long struggle of her own, a very hard time & arrived at her dream destination but I would be lying if i said it didnt affect me. I cried when i read her latest entry announcing the birth of her child. I was sad, jealous, afraid, angry, bereft, grief stricken, ...the usual full range of emotions i face when my own loss'es, despair & pain are reinforced and triggered by the pregnancies & births of others.

Since then i again miscarried in march & she continued to carry.

Then again i miscarried in June & she continued to carry.

I know it is not helpful to compare me to anyone else. I know i must accept my reproductive lot but tonight i am so upset.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Nikole said...

Oh, how excruciatingly painful this is. I think it's impossible not to compare ourselves to others, especially when their experiences are a very real remind us of what we don't have, of where we "could've" or "should've" been. I wish there was something I could do to make this easier for you. Sending my love.

1:50 AM  
Blogger serenity said...

I agree with Nikole. It's impossible not to compare yourself with others.

I wish I had more than words to offer you to help you through this. But the best I can do is tell you I am thinking of you.

Love and hugs.

2:13 AM  
Blogger Amber said...

I am so sorry hon. But know that what you are feeling is completely normal, and I don't think we should deny ourselves the ability to at least experience all of those emotions, no matter how negative they may be. For me at least, they are what help get me through these dark times.
Big hugs to you.....

6:03 AM  
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6:40 AM  

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