Sunday, July 23, 2006

I survived.....well almost

Well to those of you who commented on my last entry-you were right. My social evening was quite lovely. It may sound strange but at the moment, in this current state im in or we're in, Im actually more comfortable connecting with my boyfriends than girlfriends. It feels so cruel to write such a sentence as my close girlfriends are so supportive, loyal, loving etc but women are more switched on to the details, to our bodies, to our bio clocks, .....when im with my women friends i feel a different type of pressure (not in anyway intended by them, in fact its my stuff, i acknowledge & own). They ask the questions; where is your cycle up to? what are the tests showing? whats next?....because the women understand my acute pain - in a way, its harder to be around them-they get it, most of them are mothers & my pain & loss are all somehow reinforced. Whereas when im out or connecting to the boys...its very different. They are more than happy to hear or talk about it but arent so forthcoming with questions. They might simply ask..'hows it all going?' which means i can say a little, a lot or nothing at all. To them, they are not so actuely into the whole parenting in, they have other interests, jobs, renovations, trips overseas etc so it is easy to talk about other things. I am genuine with them, but it is a little more cerebral than a total heartspeak. In fact, with some of my very close girlfriends, we never talk work, or very rarely....we talk pregnancies, r'ships, the inner world stuff...all heartspeak

So last night we (A & I) were out with 3 close male friends, R who just moved into his gorgeous new pad, & an adorable gay couple C & D. C is a very close friend of mine & we love D too, his partner. So the evening was lovely & though we touched on miscarriages & ivf etc...conversation was not on my acute inner pain...so it was ok. I headed out hoping & knowing I would be far away from any women who would talk about their pregnancies or children or anything like that. I felt a little more safe & secure...but even when im out with all men - there was one moment when i was unprepared & came ridiculously close to bursting out into tears. Our lovely dinner was over, we were ordering desserts & teas etc & i was asking the waitress whether she had any herbal, caffeine free teas (not at all to do with fertility, though i don't drink caffeine except in organic green tea, but more because i knew i'd be trying to sleep soon & caffeine would keep me awake)...anyway, all of a sudden she announced that they did have peppermint tea but even peppermint tea has traces of caffeine in it because when she was pregnant, she was told not to consume it. I know this tiny incident probably sounds so minor & insignificant to most of you but all of a sudden i felt like the temperature within my body was rising rapidly & i was about to burst into tears. My safe, secure bubble had burst, even out in inner city on a Sat night with 4 men - i had to hear about a woman who was pregnant & couldnt drink peppermint tea.

It was crazy, i can walk past pregnant women & hold it together but for some reason it just really affected me - it was as if...im not safe from this anywhere. I tried my hardest to hold it together, smiled at A & R, who immediately felt & knew i had a strong reaction & breathed deeply till i was ok. C & D didn't notice it -thank god. I think it would have been too hard to hold back the tears if all four had known & recognised my pain.

Apart from that incident - i had a lovely night. R's new nest is so nice, warm & suits him so much. Pre dinner drinks there were lovely & then dinner was great, the conversation, meal etc. I did drink quite a bit & thought how different my behaviour was from the usual deprivation. The conversation was interesting -our work, renovations, trips overseas, family, etc & as i said -yes we did touch on miscarriages but it was in a tongue in cheek, unemotional kind of way - the only way i could discuss it.

On the change in behaviour - ive observed an interesting shift. When we started trying for a baby, i gave up everything even remotely unsavoury. I read on a website green tea was potentially harmful so even my favourite green tea was gone from our pantry. Then i endured another 3 miscarriages without any green tea & so i figured, my first miscarriage was not caused by green tea. Lately ive been thinking about a heroic friend M. I've written about her before -she started ivf at 37, had her first child at 43 & second at 45. She lost count of how many miscarriages she had, had over 27 cycles, sold their house to afford it all, etc. She also told me that at the begginning she too was eating only organics etc, no alcohol, no crap, etc.....with each miscarriage she tended to loosen up a little as she realised they obviously were not being caused by her diet...so she started to relax, eat crap & stopped the expensive herbs, diet etc...& when she finally conceived her two boys - she told me, she'd never eaten so badly, .....when she told me this story....though i knew i wasn't quite there yet, it resonated with me & I am starting to understand & adopt some of her practices. For the first 4 miscarriages -i only ate organics, no alcohol whatsover, no green tea, no nothing -so this month i noticed i simply felt like & allowed the odd glass of wine, have had at least one or two green tea a day & am just starting to relax with all of that. Ofcourse im still being conscious of many other things ive been warned about like soy milk etc but it'll be interesting to observe how this pattern continues .....

3 Comments:

Anonymous Nikole said...

I'm glad you enjoyed your night out, despite the waitress incident. It makes sense that being with men may be a little easier, and give you a little space to push what has been happening in your life to the side for just a while. It's funny, I have noticed that a lot of women we know are going into the TTC phase, and they always ask me to look at their charts--I guess because I've learned a lot over the past year, and I'm pretty obsessed with mine. Most of the time, I don't mind. It feels good to use the knowledge I have gained. But sometimes, it stings.

As far as the crazy diets and restrictions--I've been the same way in the past, although I am starting to lighten up. I try to eat organic as often as I can, but that's really for me more than anything. I do really cut back on wine when we are trying, but I've tried to relax on the other things. They take too much energy, and obviously, they haven't worked.

love to you!

10:22 PM  
Anonymous Lisa said...

First, I can totally relate to your incident with the peppermint tea/waitress. Sometimes I can be doing just fine, then the tiniest thing will start the tears flowing. It still surprises me how these moments just seem to come out of nowhere catching me totally off guard. I think that's what makes it even more painful - I often think I'm doing better that I actually am.

Second, I, too, have become a little slack when it comes to diet lately. It just takes so much work, and a little indulgence every now and again is exactly what we need sometimes in order to stay "afloat."

Take care; I'll be checking in...

9:30 AM  
Blogger Michelle said...

I ate so much better before my first miscarriage than ever before, and slowly I slid down the slope back to normal. It's been a whole year, and I don't have a baby, I can't do this forever! So when I'm actually pregnant I will behave like I'm pregnant, and when I'm not, I won't. It's the compromise to retain my sanity.

8:59 PM  

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