Thinking about the unthinkable

When i was 30 i visited a local sperm bank. At the time I was single, A & I were on an 'off period' as opposed to an 'on period' & the thought of one day wanting to be a mother was very much in my psyche. I took myself off bravely to see what it was all about. I wasn't at all ready to be registered with an anonymous donor, not at all but it was just something I felt I wanted to begin to prepare myself with, just in case I needed to do it alone one day. At the time it was still quite a few years away but I knew I wanted a child & realistically, I didnt know whether id be in a partnership one day & did not want to miss out on something so sacred to me just because I was single....so off I went....it was a wild experience with a myriad of emotions soaring through me all at the same time. The social worker I met with decided I may as well be put through the assessment process so off she went asking me quite confronting questions. Within moments I was in tears, explaining to her this was not what i had imagined i would ever be doing.....we actually had a very engaging, honest interaction & then it was time to go. I explained to her I wasn't ready as yet but needed to 'go there' physically & emotionally explore it, see the anonymous donor cards I would one day possibly choose from, suss out the clinic, find out about the tests & treatment & somehow be prepared. I left the clinic feeling a combination of empowered but very sad.....but i did feel a tad prepared for the 'one day'. During that visit I received a lot of important info & I stored it all in a filing cabinet in my mind for the one day when i would possibly need to retrieve it.

A works very differently to me. He's certainly brave & prepared to explore the unknown but only when he feels it necessary. Throughout this whole process, when my fear & anxiety have dragged me miles ahead of where I need to be, he has frustratingly begged me 'not to go there till we need to'.

For me it is a self protective mechanism that kicks into place. The more frightening or abhorrent an idea is, the more I need to confront it, deal with my issues around it & process it ahead of time so in case I need to ever arrive at that most frightening point, i'm somewhat prepared.

And so last night, I googled 'adoption'. Since Jills decision had been so confronting for me, I knew my fear & resistance to this whole adoption idea was huge. The very fact it was so big & felt so insurmountable made me want to 'go there' & start to explore my fear & resistance. Like my visiting the sperm bank, we are still miles away from the adoption decision but maybe i should start to open myself up to the possibility. Maybe exploring adoption & my fears around it & why it feels so insurmountable to me is a good idea in case we do need to one day make that decision.

It was hard to do. It wasnt an easy read. I didnt research it for long. I found a few websites where local & intercountry adoption are organised & skimmed through the available info. And while I was reading this information, a million questions were racing through my mind....I wont go into them all now, they feel a little raw & I need to process it all a little more before I get it out of my head here in blogland but i guess in a strange way it was kinda helpful. It did assist me in starting to separate out the many issues that exist for me around adoption.

Then late last night after my preliminary initial search, I spoke to a close friend all about it. R was supportive & encouraging & together we unpacked some of my issues & questions all about it. He kept repeating 'were not there yet, not for a long time, we've only just done our second stimulated cycle....in ivf timelines its still early days'. I was so glad. I dont know what lies ahead for us but we may need to confront all of this one day & maybe I should keep acquainting myself with it in preparation for that possible 'one day'.

Today I told A I'd looked into it. It was hard to talk about it with him. Discussing it with R last night was more cerebral, it was still honest & real but there was a somewhat intellectual tone to our discussions but with A today, I was teary as I recounted to him what i'd discovered & read. It was more confronting as together we were kinda 'going there'. I was aware it was all new & my initial reactions were just that - reactions. I thought A would get a little upset with me as once again, I was miles ahead of where we right now, needed to be, but he didnt. I was grateful. I told him that from application to actually receiving a child - the wait can be approx 2 yrs & he wandered whether we should register our interest. I told him I knew that they (the adoption agencies) insist that you have completed all your fertility treatments prior to registering with them. I also recounted to him a story of a woman I know, an old friend from my previous job, who applied to adopt & meanwhile kept up with her ivf treatments & then one day all of a sudden received a call from the agency that a baby boy was ready for her to adopt. Then & there she quit ivf & was thrilled. I told A that I'm not quite ready to register or apply for adoption just yet. Neither is he.