Monday, July 10, 2006

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A new suite of tests began today & they were all just plain awful!. This morning I had to be at the path lab by 7.30, 6 tubes of blood were taken from my poor veins. As I was driving there, I was angry. I am sick of these tests, I am sick of being pricked in the arm, I am sick of the intervention & medicalisation of all of this. Part of this testing was ovulation tracking, necessary to know when to do the endometrial biopsy & the other tests were more of the same, testing for possible miscarriage reasons. As usual Im not expecting anything interesting other than the usual 'all is normal'. Then I left work early, met A & off we went for this wiz bang , hi tech, 4 dimensional ultrasound where they inserted saline into me & then looked around for fibroids, polyps, septums or other strange happenings in my uterus or tubes.

THIS WAS HORRIBLE. Late last week, I was contacted & asked whether we could make it an hour earlier at 2.45 instead of 3.45. We juggled our lives around to fit in & guess what time we were finally taken inside, yep you guessed it - 3.45.
But the trauma experienced in that hour of waiting was pure torture. Couples came & went. They were happy, excited couples awaiting their 12 or 20 week ultrasound. They were so nieve yet protected, it seemed from the traumas that can horror you on those ultrasound days. They met there from their respective jobs, waited patiently for a few moments only & 20 mins later, walked out joyously, proudly carrying their first photos of their child in utero. They were ooh'ing & aah'ing over their photos & sharing their excitement. One couple who were really excited had just discovered they were having a boy & were thrilled. I found this unbearable & to be honest, I hated each one of them & their joy. The assistant sonographer came & explained to us why we were left waiting. She said 'the baby before you for the ultrasound of 20 wks is misbehaving so the ultrasound is taking longer' I felt like punching her in the face. Did it dawn on her that maybe a cute remark about a 20 wk old fetus misbehaving wasn't so sensitive? Why didn't any of these couples today experience the pain of finding no heartbeat as we have done & so many of you have done. I know this sounds so cruel, bitter & callous of me...but it is a true account of how terrible I felt today. I wandered whether we would ever experience an ultrasound without trauma? It felt as if maybe we wouldn't. I wandered why the clinic cant be more sensitive to the many women who are struggling? Why cant there be two waiting rooms, one for the healthy (supposedly) normal ultrasounds & the other for the women experiencing diagnostic ultrasounds who are struggling?
I remember learning something very important the year my mum died. I remember learning that when someone is acutely sensitive about their world & going through an extremely sensitive time due to acute grief or loss or pain ...then, at that time from their eyes the whole world seems cruel & insensitive. ....& to the other people who aren't experiencing the sensitivity - they just don't get it. I remember learning this, feeling this on such a deep internal level after she died & it is with the same level of sensitivity now that i am finding the world so cruel.
And then the sonographer & doctor told me it would be unpleasant but just like a pap smear. That was a lie, a total lie. In a papsmear, you dont have a thin pipe inserted through your cervix, you dont have saline solution pummelled into you - why cant they be honest & respectful about what will happen?
The dr, at least was decent & I felt so grateful. Isn't it a shame though, that when a dr is decent - it's like a miracle or rare event?
The procedure itself wasn't so bad. It hurt & was crampy but wasn't too bad -the emotions around it were worse. And of course he didnt find anything except that my uterus is retroverted so it was harder for him to see. He did query pcos as it seemed there were many follicle remains around my ovaries - but A quickly jumped in & reminded him I was stimulated only last month & this was probably the remains of an egg pick up.
& that was it - the familiar experience of feeling drained & fed up & angry & over it & traumatised were right back with me. We left in separate cars. A had to go to work & I home. All the way home I felt as though I just wanted to sob, but it never came. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs but that didnt happen either.

I am so sick of the tests, needles, ultrasounds, things up my vagina, the cramps, the pains, the insensitive clinics, the brutal staff, the waiting, the expenses, and the trauma.

36 Comments:

Blogger serenity said...

I am SO sorry on so many levels. For your loss. For the insensitivity and cruelness of having to wait for an hour in the waiting room. For all the blood draws, and the tests, and the unfairness of it all.

My heart aches for you. Hugs and much love to you today.

9:19 PM  
Anonymous erin said...

It sounds like you had a rough day. I am sorry for you having to go through this. I know it can just be so tiring and you want it to end.

10:48 PM  
Blogger Stephanie said...

Thank you for commenting on my blog. So many things in commom....

Yes, DRs lie about how much these testing procedures hurt. I was in tears for the endometrial biopsy that was supposed to "only require some advil." advil my ass.

I still fear the ultrasound. I wish the sonographers would try and understand why.

You asked if i had any tips for making a pregnancy work finally. I have no idea. We are "unexplained" but the RE really wanted me to do PGD anyway. We decided to get pregon our own one more time beforeany ART. In the end I went with progesterone, baby asprin, 4 MG of folic acid, 100 MG B6, and weekly ultrasounds (so-called TLC). not sure if anything in that list worked, or if I was simply, and finally, lucky.

I wish you great luck when you do try again. I understand with idiopathic RPL, it is a matter of luck. not satisfying, I know.

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Anonymous Nikole said...

I could have written this exact post earlier this year. You have EVERY right to feel the way you do. The tests, the waiting, the painful & uncomfortable procedures...it is all too much. It's so hard when the emotional weight and significance of this is not acknowledged by those providing our care.

I also have the same bitter, angry, hateful feelings you described. For a long time, I would beat myself up over having them. But now, I just try to acknowledge that they are a part of my experience. They don't define me as a bad person. They are just thoughts. Important ones to acknowledge. I'm glad that you have this space to let it out and be completely honest about how you feel. It's utterly exhausting to fake it all the time.

I'm sending hugs and peaceful thoughts your way. I'm sorry today was so rough.

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Blogger running wildly said...

Because of your honesty, each time I read your blog I am provoked to ponder things from your perspective. It is true that unless we are experiencing the same sensitivity/pain as you, we seem callous and unsympathetic. I am a student nurse who will be working in the hospital in a matter of weeks and I will certainly treat my patients differently because of your willingness to be open & honest. Your words allow me to see things differently. I am grateful I have found your blog.

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