Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Am I asking too much?

I feel as tho' I'm about to pop. It's such a strange feeling each step i take causes discomfort as it feels the eggs collide with one another or something else. Each time I put my arse down it causes more discomfort.....its obviously crowded in there.................the last ultrasound showed i had 13 follicles growing - much better than last stimulated cycle but i cant get too confident as the big follicle was 23 mm but the littlies were only 12mm.....not sure how many he'll be able to retrieve & then how many will be mature or ripe enough to fertilise with A's boys!

& im praying A's boys are robust & healthy. Poor A has been doing horrible shifts, emergency work thru the nite etc. To get thru the nite he's been assisted by good old caffeine. I thought about it last nite & realised he's been having around one coffee a nite. Suddenly i had a reaction, a strong reaction.....for the last almost two yrs I've not enjoyed one cup of coffee, as soon as i've discovered any of my enjoyable treats such as green tea or soy milk were potentialy harmful for fertility I gave them up, begrudgingly, resentfully but nonetheless gave them up, not reduced their intake...gave them up! So it affected me that A has been having coffee. In reality, it probably or hopefully wont make a scrap of difference & his boys were supposedly of good quality but it was something else that upset me - it was the principle, the philosophy that i was committed to doing absolutely everything i could to optimise the health of our unborn babies. I was trying to ensure our embryos would be robust enough to cope with the hurdles that exist for a developing embryo & if this meant sacrifice then so be it.

After 3 miscarriages - was i asking too much? i dont think so. It's not as if we're 27, just starting on the fertility ride & adopting a laissez faire attitude to see what happens.....we've been on this roller coaster for almost 2 yrs, we've endured 3 miscarriages, we're not 27!

I just want A to adopt the same commitment, the same rigour, the same energy. Thats probably unfair, as he's his own person & needs to do it his way & I kno he has horrible shifts & i acknowledge he certainly needs a stimulant to get him thru the nite but i want him searching the net to try & find natural, safe replacements for things like coffee. After all, I've had to start drinking oat milk instead of soy & in cafes ask for boring water with lemon instead of my preferred chai or green tea.....is it too much to ask???

I've sought reassurance & guidance from beautiful women friends today & basically, tho' theyre details differ -they all shared the same idea - it's the women vs men thing, the eternal difference. A few of my female confidants who already have kids offerred a warning - 'get used to it, when it comes to nuturing, the women do it in a different way, the men do it in a male kinda way, one which doesn't include sacrifice & selflessness...............'.

I suppose I'm still an idealist at heart & believe it could be different or wish it were!


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