Those were the days

Just a quick note...Im exhausted & want to collapse into bed with Coming to Term. I headed to the path lab this am, got there at 7.15am so I could definitely be first when they open at 7.30 & I was. The pathologist turned up at 7.25 & it took her 40 mins to determine exactly which tubes to collect all this blood for these remote tests she'd clearly never had to collect before. I felt like a friek. I wasnt there for blood sugar or usual standard blood investigations, I was there f0r remote, friek, miscarriage unknown crazy stuff.

She had to fax the request thru to her advisors who still didnt know & had to check with their advisors & finally after 8am we could start. By this time her waiting room was full of poor fasting patients who turn up early for their blood as they are fasting. They didnt know there would be some miscarriage freak patient accosting the pathologist & holding her up all morning.

She started by preparing 15, yes 15 tubes & my usual right arm was over it at 9 tubes. My blood dried up & she swapped arms & my left arm filled another 6 tubes. I put up with it. She was at least polite & lovely but I hated it & wanted it over. Thats why I had to go today after only receiving this referral yesterday arvo. I needed it gone from my to do list, I needed it over.

My miscarriage management nurse called me this arvo. 'Can I pls go back Mon am for one more blood test , only 3 hormones, 1 tube' she promised & then 7 days later & then 3 days after that & thats it for blood tests for the month. Then on Day 26 - the endomtrial biopsy......

Im so sick of it. I told A tonite I cant handle this anymore. I want us never to discuss we are trying to have a baby. We are to just continue & bare these experiences & live our life (all be it in our bomb shelter) & no longer actually describe any of it in terms of 'trying to have a baby'. The very term has become synonymous with pressure, dread, trauma, stress, deprivation, torture etc. Of course we both know we are still trying but even discussing it with A fills the dialogue with anxiety. Lets just get on with it.

I am working from home tomorrow, cramming lots of work in & then heading away with the boys for a w'end away. I know it will fly past but I am so looking forward to our log fire & spa & blissing out. This is our escape w'end from all the recent trauma so I intend to leave our trauma here in our bomb shelter & try to enjoy this w'end like we used to before we began to encounter this miscarriage trauma, when we had innocence, before we even knew we were miscarriers.....those were the days!