Mothers Day!
Theres been much happening......i got a new job, after yrs of dissatisfaction & exeriencing slow soul & spirit destruction ive resigned...ive got a month left there but then im outa there & over to new...i think it'll be good, i think i'll care again & feel valued, stimulated & no longer feel professionally impotent & who knows maybe the change & stimulation & feeling worthy again will translate to my womb
.....the appointment with our RE was ok, just ok.....all the myriad of tests were just as expected - all clear.....i must admit i was actually hoping theyd find something wrong with me but i was also hoping that it could be fixed - that would have been the ideal outcome as now it would be over & we'd be on the road to becoming parents of something other than a miscarriage...but he kept telling us we were normal & all was clear...somehow it didnt sit with me too well - i dont buy it - its not normal to keep miscarrying...we talked options ...a laparoscopy or another stimulated cycle but this time adding clexane to the formula ( a blood thinning drug, which he said in some miscarrying women works well) & he recommended we go again.....oh yes i forgot one important new bit of information - he said im no longer 'infertile', im a 'miscarrier' - there was a time when i worked clinically where i advocated so vehemently against labels & here i am telling my friends..'im a miscarrier'......so here we go again....injecting lucrin & we start the puregon injections next fri.....
....i was thrown into a sheer panic ..i called up an old naturapath i used to see ...she suggested i dont take my chinese herbs while on an ivf treatment as it would reduce the effectiveness of the treatment...all of a sudden i was panicked, confused, afraid...it was awful - i consulted my closest friends, the old favourite internet, even dog park friends & couldnt find any solace to my desperation.....was i doing the right thing? will it fuck everything up? who should i trust? my herbalist was desperately trying to defend her treatment, my dr told me to immediately cease the herbs....i was uncelar & useless & the one thing i kno is you cant force clarity.....so i sat with it for a few days & i think im getting back to my clarity....it feels as tho' beneath the layers of panic & fear are solid intuitive wisdoms about the benefits of chinese herbs whilst on ivf treatment...so i await the crystal clarity but for now even a foggy clarity (you know what i mean) will do & i confidently downed my 'P' herbs tonite.
today was bad, ugly & downright awful. when my mother died 3 & a half yrs ago, all of a sudden - mothers day turned into a dreaded day where the best place to be was hiding in my house....i felt bereft & angry & alone & all i could see were picnics & lunches & mothers & daughters walking together ...they all celebrated their mothers & honoured them in public & i was motherless!!!!! i thought it couldnt get worse
& now mothers day has added pain...not only am i unable to be with my mum lying in the sun on a picnic blanket enjoying her favourite cheeses & spoiling her with pressies but nor can i experience the joy of celebrating my own experience of motherhood.....there are no hallmark cards for 'to my mummy love your miscarriage'.....& ofcourse i dont want one of those anyway - but i do want one day to enjoy the silly consumerist day, i want one day to be spoiled because i am carrying our baby or pushing our pram.....i want to be out there in public on mothers day & not have to hide in the safety & pain of our home.
im glad mothers day is almost over for this year....
.....the appointment with our RE was ok, just ok.....all the myriad of tests were just as expected - all clear.....i must admit i was actually hoping theyd find something wrong with me but i was also hoping that it could be fixed - that would have been the ideal outcome as now it would be over & we'd be on the road to becoming parents of something other than a miscarriage...but he kept telling us we were normal & all was clear...somehow it didnt sit with me too well - i dont buy it - its not normal to keep miscarrying...we talked options ...a laparoscopy or another stimulated cycle but this time adding clexane to the formula ( a blood thinning drug, which he said in some miscarrying women works well) & he recommended we go again.....oh yes i forgot one important new bit of information - he said im no longer 'infertile', im a 'miscarrier' - there was a time when i worked clinically where i advocated so vehemently against labels & here i am telling my friends..'im a miscarrier'......so here we go again....injecting lucrin & we start the puregon injections next fri.....
....i was thrown into a sheer panic ..i called up an old naturapath i used to see ...she suggested i dont take my chinese herbs while on an ivf treatment as it would reduce the effectiveness of the treatment...all of a sudden i was panicked, confused, afraid...it was awful - i consulted my closest friends, the old favourite internet, even dog park friends & couldnt find any solace to my desperation.....was i doing the right thing? will it fuck everything up? who should i trust? my herbalist was desperately trying to defend her treatment, my dr told me to immediately cease the herbs....i was uncelar & useless & the one thing i kno is you cant force clarity.....so i sat with it for a few days & i think im getting back to my clarity....it feels as tho' beneath the layers of panic & fear are solid intuitive wisdoms about the benefits of chinese herbs whilst on ivf treatment...so i await the crystal clarity but for now even a foggy clarity (you know what i mean) will do & i confidently downed my 'P' herbs tonite.
today was bad, ugly & downright awful. when my mother died 3 & a half yrs ago, all of a sudden - mothers day turned into a dreaded day where the best place to be was hiding in my house....i felt bereft & angry & alone & all i could see were picnics & lunches & mothers & daughters walking together ...they all celebrated their mothers & honoured them in public & i was motherless!!!!! i thought it couldnt get worse
& now mothers day has added pain...not only am i unable to be with my mum lying in the sun on a picnic blanket enjoying her favourite cheeses & spoiling her with pressies but nor can i experience the joy of celebrating my own experience of motherhood.....there are no hallmark cards for 'to my mummy love your miscarriage'.....& ofcourse i dont want one of those anyway - but i do want one day to enjoy the silly consumerist day, i want one day to be spoiled because i am carrying our baby or pushing our pram.....i want to be out there in public on mothers day & not have to hide in the safety & pain of our home.
im glad mothers day is almost over for this year....
posted by Nicky at 9:00 PM
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