Sunday, May 14, 2006

Mothers Day!

Theres been much happening......i got a new job, after yrs of dissatisfaction & exeriencing slow soul & spirit destruction ive resigned...ive got a month left there but then im outa there & over to new...i think it'll be good, i think i'll care again & feel valued, stimulated & no longer feel professionally impotent & who knows maybe the change & stimulation & feeling worthy again will translate to my womb

.....the appointment with our RE was ok, just ok.....all the myriad of tests were just as expected - all clear.....i must admit i was actually hoping theyd find something wrong with me but i was also hoping that it could be fixed - that would have been the ideal outcome as now it would be over & we'd be on the road to becoming parents of something other than a miscarriage...but he kept telling us we were normal & all was clear...somehow it didnt sit with me too well - i dont buy it - its not normal to keep miscarrying...we talked options ...a laparoscopy or another stimulated cycle but this time adding clexane to the formula ( a blood thinning drug, which he said in some miscarrying women works well) & he recommended we go again.....oh yes i forgot one important new bit of information - he said im no longer 'infertile', im a 'miscarrier' - there was a time when i worked clinically where i advocated so vehemently against labels & here i am telling my friends..'im a miscarrier' here we go again....injecting lucrin & we start the puregon injections next fri.....

....i was thrown into a sheer panic ..i called up an old naturapath i used to see ...she suggested i dont take my chinese herbs while on an ivf treatment as it would reduce the effectiveness of the treatment...all of a sudden i was panicked, confused, was awful - i consulted my closest friends, the old favourite internet, even dog park friends & couldnt find any solace to my desperation.....was i doing the right thing? will it fuck everything up? who should i trust? my herbalist was desperately trying to defend her treatment, my dr told me to immediately cease the herbs....i was uncelar & useless & the one thing i kno is you cant force i sat with it for a few days & i think im getting back to my feels as tho' beneath the layers of panic & fear are solid intuitive wisdoms about the benefits of chinese herbs whilst on ivf i await the crystal clarity but for now even a foggy clarity (you know what i mean) will do & i confidently downed my 'P' herbs tonite.

today was bad, ugly & downright awful. when my mother died 3 & a half yrs ago, all of a sudden - mothers day turned into a dreaded day where the best place to be was hiding in my house....i felt bereft & angry & alone & all i could see were picnics & lunches & mothers & daughters walking together ...they all celebrated their mothers & honoured them in public & i was motherless!!!!! i thought it couldnt get worse

& now mothers day has added pain...not only am i unable to be with my mum lying in the sun on a picnic blanket enjoying her favourite cheeses & spoiling her with pressies but nor can i experience the joy of celebrating my own experience of motherhood.....there are no hallmark cards for 'to my mummy love your miscarriage'.....& ofcourse i dont want one of those anyway - but i do want one day to enjoy the silly consumerist day, i want one day to be spoiled because i am carrying our baby or pushing our pram.....i want to be out there in public on mothers day & not have to hide in the safety & pain of our home.

im glad mothers day is almost over for this year....


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