Saturday, April 29, 2006

Awake Again

It's 3.51am. I wish i were fast asleep next to A surrounded by our beloved two dogs (R & B) dreaming deeply. Instead im snacking on pistacchios, starting this blog.

Why couldnt I sleep? .....
Why cant they find something wrong?
Why do we keep miscarrying?
If our embryos are good quality maybe we should consider surrogacy?
I wish A were awake too....
When do we need to start considering options like this?
What will happen at our appointment with our reproductive endocrinologist on tues?
How will my interview go mon? God i hope i get it, i have to get out of my hellhole job....
i wish A were awake too...bummer
What invasive test will he order next? a hysteroscopy? a laparoscopy?
Maybe its endometriosis? or immune disorders or clotting disorders?
What if they dont know what it is?
A's he
Will my chinese herbs help or am i just wasting loads of money? no surely they'll help, i have faith in her (amazing chinese herbalist)
After 3 miscarriages..somethings got to be wrong.....
Thank God its the w'end...i can sleep in

A sleeps so well. he is a functional sleeper. he lies down, his head rests & immediately sleep takes him away. I try to catch the sleep boat each nite but if i miss it i lie there hoping it comes back to get me. Occasionally it does but for some reason it only returns in the wee hours of morning 4ish, 5ish....there needs to be more sleep boats travelling my rthyhms.

Today i caught up with a lovely friend who's been living o/s for 4 yrs. She's returning in Sep. I recounted to her our fertility history, the three miscarriages, the beginnings of ivf, the tests so far, the distress, the survival & caringly she asked how ive coped with it.....I started to explain that "if you were to scratch the surface you'd find me a blubbering mess, despairing, wounded by a huge void & gap in our lives that is so loud & takes up so much space"...& as i expressed this the blubbering messiness rose to the surface & the tears started to roll down but then i continued..."but i cant afford to go there & fall apart & be a blubbering mess coz its too goddam painful & i have to get on with it so somehow i keep it for the most part under the surface & get on with it & continue on this scary, painful roller coaster" and as i explained the need for me to survive & get on with it the tears quickly retreated back to their sub surface home.

Thats how it is for now.


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