Baby Odyssey

Years later....

2011-05-29T22:00:00.001+09:30

Well hullo there...it's been years......

Through another avenue completely I stumbled across my old blog.....reread some posts & felt utter compassion for me then, the pain I felt, the trauma I carried.

Wow - it was another time, another place & I can thankfully report that our prayers were answered. We were blessed. So blessed.

It's a long story & I can't really go into it all now but suffice to say I was diagnosed with Natural Killer cells (I knew it but it took a while to get the fucking dr's onto it) anyway.......we now have two magnificent (biologically ours) incredible daughters. Noa-Rose is almost three & a half & Amiel is 22 months. They are amazing & we are blessed.....& so very happy.

I thank God we are parents and we have a family.

I may one day come back to write some more but for now I just felt that needed to be said.

Bye for now.

Our perfect and precious little baby girl

2006-10-24T20:42:00.000+09:30

I called our RE to get the results of the karyotype test. It was 9am. I was about to have an acupuncture appointment. I was feeling quite contained & had prepared myself to hear that it was a chromosomally normal embryo. And it was. His words were "the embryo was chromosomally normal". I asked for reasons, explanations ...then....why.....how come? He said he had no explanations. He said that he understood if we wanted to give up but felt we shouldn't at this stage. He has seen many couples lose chromosomally normal embryos for no explained reason & still carry to term. I told him we would not yet give up. He said he expected I would get my periods around the 10th Nov & on Day 1 I should call the nurses to start another cycle but in fact i wouldn't do another stimulated cycle till Dec......I was not teary, I was holding it together. I hung up the phone & walked across the road for my acupuncture appointment (with J, not L for old readers).

As I walked inside J's doors, I realised, he hadn't told me whether it was a boy or a girl. I called him back.....a part of me was unsure "do i really want / need to know this?" but I have always had a burning desire to know all.....if the information was available to know, then I had to have it...it was after all about our baby...why shouldn't I have the info......everyone had thought our baby had been a boy......and then he said...

"it was a girl"

I fell to pieces. I was not prepared to hear she had been my baby girl I had fantasised & dreamt about my whole life.

I had walked up the stairs & now was in J's clinic room sobbing loudly. I hung up. All I could do was sob into my hands. J hugged me.

A perfectly healthy baby girl.

She had been my fantasy. Suddenly she was real, she had identity & person. Instantly I could picture a little girl walking around my legs, I could picture holding our baby girl. All of a sudden - our chromosomally normal embryo turned into a little girl - our precious perfect baby girl.

It was the saddest day.

This was the first miscarriage we have had that we have discovered its gender & chromosomal make up.

I had the appointment with J - she was great. Together we discussed a possible plan forward....I wont go into this now....

I wanted to speak to A....I finally got to tell A close to midday.

A was devastated. He suggested we have some kind of ritual for her.

The sonographer had given us a photo of her before she died in utero & I still had the positive pregnancy test from weeks ago.

Earlier this year we buried our beloved very old, beautiful & special dog, S in a magical spot in our dog park. She over looks the cliffs & oceans & we planted natives around her. The plants suround & protect her. She is covered with a lovely slab of sandstone. A beautiful friend carved her name out of the stone & it has become a serene & tranquil spot that we visit almost each day. I suggested to bury her photo & pregnancy test right next to S...so we can honour & visit her there too.

I feel as though I've had a baby girl but then, ever so suddenly she was taken away.

I have no idea how couples cope who have a stillbirth but I have only compassion & awe for them. Our loss, I acknowledge doesnt come even close to losing a child after 9 mths but i did catch today a glimpse of having a real baby, not just an embryo & then losing her.

We are shattered.

My heart feels so heavy.

J said my heart pulse was empty. I asked her what this meant - & in such a matter of fact tone she responded 'youre shattered'. And I am, I definitely am.

Down Time

2006-10-22T18:55:00.000+09:30

It has been a week since I wrote. I have had an intense, consuming work week. Work is consuming & distracting yet, the accumulative loss, grief & trauma of now 5 miscarriages is always with me & there are days where the tears are closer to the surface & almost nothing is needed for them to escape.

I worked extremely hard last week, long hours & by Fri I was exhausted. The over tiredness was enough to send me over the edge & I was teary all day. A woman at work was celebratig the first birthday of her twins - this fact sent me down a spiral of pain, torture, anger & grief. The politix of work sent me into distress as well. Im sure these events would bother me normally but now with my intense vulnerability - i was very distressed.

I have been disappointed by my friends...not all of them ofcourse but for a few...I just havent heard from them.....i wander if they think, after 5, were ok now, were used to it? or are they just bored & over it so they switch off? well it stinx - it has been hurtful & then Im also so over being hurt & disappointed by people.

Our RE called me late Fri afternoon. I didnt get to my mob till after 6 & I knew he had the karyotyping results. I was frustrated I would have to wait till Mon to get them but i also realised it wouldnt make a difference to my w'end......this baby was already dead - nothing would change the outcome.....I am though....quite anxious to receive them......

During my work week, I am stimulated, busy, challenged, mixing with wonderful interesting people. I am in control of so many things - I am watching them be realised & achieving a lot - it is satisfying. It is in fact the opposite of my internalised life right now. I coordinated a very significant program this week & I loved it. A few of us gave it everything we've got & it was such a success - it was a great feeling.

But when the weekend arrives, my down time doesnt feel great.... everything sinks & spirals down. A's work roster is really getting to me now. I am very over our little quality time - his crazy hours - i hate it. On a weekend day, not every w'end but 2 out of 4, he sleeps till the afternoon as he only got to bed close to 4am...we then have only a few hrs together & hes gone to work again. Im seriously over it. I know hes stressed by it too & at the moment his possibilities seem so limited but IM OVER IT. I really believe we shouldnt spend our lif working, building our careers to the point where our relationships & quality time suffer. I know A believes that too but at the moment we arent living this. And of course it isnt just this issue - its the trauma of 5 miscarriages, its within every pore of our skin, every cell in our psyche - i feel its darkness permeating everywhere except our work lives.

This week we have our 2 day adoption seminar Thurs & Fri......I dont really know what to expect. Will it be refreshing & provide a little hope & lightness back into our lives or will it reinforce our grief & loss.....or will it fall somewhere in between.......?

When does this lift? When will it shift?
When do we see the light at then end of this tunnel? or the silver lining to this cloud? My mum used to say to me 'the darkest hour is always before dawn'.....surely this is our darkest hour? Surely? So bring on fucking dawn!!!!!!!!

A dark cloud

2006-10-15T18:26:00.000+09:30

Its been over a week since we lost our baby & as expected im depressed, teary, low, heavy hearted & pretty miserable. Work is extremely demanding at the moment so somehow i hold it together but return home to decompensate. There isnt much crying going on, just heavy darkness accompanied by that depressed lack of life. Everything feels too hard. I am manging to take the boys to the park for a run, throw them a few balls & thats it - dinners are take away, calls arent returned (in fact people have stopped calling). I think our supportive friends have in fact gotten quite used to this drama - there was a lot more support after the first, second & third miscarriage & i am feeling very lonely & isolated. A has been working alot but is hopefully changing jobs soon so we can have our lives back (well recurring miscarriages have destroyed that) but at least our time together.

My dreams or nightmares ( when i do manage to sleep) Im aware are quite disturbing. They are filled with themes of anxiety & feeling very attacked & threatened....not even my sleep is free from torture.

I havent written much at all about our process of considering adoption but it feels as tho i should bring you all up to speed with where we are at. Till a few months ago, adoption was to me so challenging & confronting. I desperately did & still do want our bio child/ren. Because it was so confronting I recognised i needed to explore it for me & unpack it which i started to do. After our 4th miscarriage - out of necessity we looked it up, made those first few scary enquiries. We were told from expressing interest to receiving a child can take 3 - 4 yrs so, as i said, out of necessity we thought we should start the process but keep trying as well & open both avenues. We sent of for our information, completed the expression of interest form & sent that off & in 2 weeks we are attending our adoption 2 day seminar. When we were booked in to attend, i was still pregnant with our 5 th pregnancy. I was well aware we could lose it by the time the seminar came round & we did.

As it approaches - adoption feels heavier, harder & more confronting.

I wont go into all the detail as id be here for days.....but we've ben thru quite a process & have realised that ideally we would like both - we would love (of course) to have biological children & adopt as well.

Of course if we cant have our own bio children then we will adopt anyway - but if i had a choice, i pray we could have one or two bio kids & then adopt one.

....A is approaching it in a lighter way. I feel the politicisation of it all so heavily. I've been looking things up on the net & have come across much info about how 'wrong' it is to remove a child from their environment etc.....

....its all feeling so hard, heavy & loaded.

And continuing to try naturally (or ivf) is also feeling so hard, heavy & loaded.

Nothing feels easy or manageable anymore.

This whole process of family making to me now feels so painful, so filled with trauma, loss, despair....

How I long for a time when A & I walk together in the world without a heavy dark cloud over us.

I wonder if that will ever be?

HOW CAN THIS BE?????????????????????????

2006-10-10T21:34:00.000+09:30

Somehow I managed to return to work on Monday. It was so hard for both of us to return to a supposed reality & function. I didnt have a choice. At work we are commisioning a new facility now & loads of new staff are commencing next week & it was my gig to run the orientation week - i had no choice. Reality is hell.

The weekend we huddled together in our 'bomb shelter'. When we were close & safe from the emotional warfare somehow we protected eachother. Most of Sun we stayed in bed, cuddling, sleeping, etc. We wanted to hide from the world for as long as we could.

I have had bouts of distress, tears, etc but for the most part, just heaviness, darkness, despair.

When the tears do come though...they come with an energy & force. They are angry tears, desperate tears, panicked tears - at that time, my world feels unbearable, if the tears could speak...they would be screaming....

how will i survive? how will i cope? we will ever find happiness? we isnt the world protesting? why arent the drs & herbalists & everyone trying harder? why is this allowed to happen over & over?, why isnt this on the news? it is a world tragedy isnt it? surely it is? this wound is killing me....

This trauma & wound feels so un-real, so wrong, so unbelievable - its as if....a friend of mine could be telling me they knew someone who had endured 5 miscarriages - i would be overwhelmed with pain for that person, stunned at the cruelty & unfairness & tragedy of it, in awe of their survival - & then i realise that is me - i am that person - this nightmare is happening to us.....HOW CAN THIS BE???????????

I dont know how we will survive this.

And then every time when i feel the hysteria build inside of me, there is a voice warning me: you dont know whats ahead - what if you are to have another 5 or 10 miscarriages or never carry to term? - you cant fall apart now - this might be a picnic compared what you still have to go thru.....& then somehow I brace myself for this nightmare to go on....

dear god - i have prayed so hard to you for 2 yrs now, even longer & you arent listening but if there is any part of you that is hearing me - please god - help us - i need help, we need help - im surrendering to not being able to cope here & needing your intervention.....please help

Reality has set in

2006-10-07T20:59:00.000+09:30

Reality has now set in. As with my last D&C, it wasn't till the procedure was over that emotionally I could start processing the reality of losing this baby. We had such high hopes for this pregnancy, for this baby. We are bereft, devastated, shattered, angry, despairing.....

The D&C was a little easier than last time. It was performed by our RE who i trust. It was at our clinic that i (unfortunately) felt comfortable in, the nurses (sadly) knew me & were lovely. I was teary & frightened. I hate the idea of general anaesthetics, I've always been afraid of them. I was sitting in the anaestetic lab getting a cannula put in to my left hand (very sore), I was given a shot of medazalam & that is all i remember.....quite disconcerting actually. With my last D&C, I didnt receive my G.A till i was in theatre, there was something real about it, i was in theatre. This time i wasn't even in theatre & then i was in recovery. I was sore & crampy. Afterwards, as i came to, i was very distressed & crying alot.....it was real, it was over, our baby was gone, why us?, why was this happening again? why are we being so tortured? what have we done to deserve this?

We came home & i collapsed into bed but hardly slept. During the afternoon, flowers were delivered from supportive friends. The flowers were lovely & colourful but everywhere else was just darkness all over again.

There is a huge void & emptiness. A huge sorrow that has opened up again. It had been temporarily filled with the hope of this pregnancy, the possibility that maybe this would be our time but no, for some cruel, unknown reason - this isnt our time......but im begginning to lose faith & hope that we will ever get there......whats begginning to be is a reality that we will continue to miscarry, that we will only ever miscarry.....

And in some sick, disturbing reality - we are used to this trauma, sorrow & pain.....we know what to do.....we know what happens...we know we shut down from the world, we burrow down in our safe bomb shelter, we hide from the world around us, see the very few we allow in, .....

A's parents have visited. They are upset & trying to be supportive but their style of support we find unhelpful. I am fond of them & appreciate their support but they keep telling me getting depressed will not be helpful. Yesterday I swallowed it. Today i told A i couldnt face hearing that again. I believe that after 5 miscarriages in 2 yrs, it is perfectly legitimate & justified to be depressed, it would be abnormal in fact not to be. Today they wanted to visit again but A told them they were not allowed to give unhelpful advice. They didnt visit.

I didnt want to get out of bed today.....it was awful to face the reality the day after.....the mornings are difficult as the reality of loss & pain is so stark, the night times are hard too as the darkness of inside is everywhere.

I am praying i do not experience the torture i experienced last d&c. Last time, after a few calm days, I started to endure the most physical pain I had ever felt - sheer torture for 10 days, the blleding was horrific as well. This time Im praying it does not happen again. So far yesterday i bled quite a lot but today not at all. I am a bit crampy today but very mild & tolerable.

Our RE called to see how I was today - i know it was just a courtesy call but still - i appreciated it.

So that is our current reality.....Our RE said half the material would be sent to pathology, half to genetics & in 3 wks we would get the results......What was our baby is now called 'material'

So we wait again.....more waiting.....

After the first or second miscarriage, I had never imagined the possibility of 5, so now I am trying to face the unknown with exactly that - more unknown.....i have no idea whats ahead for us.....will we have another 5 or more miscarriages? will we give up? will we ever get there?

I have no idea.

I do want to thank you all for your comments of support & sympathy. I feel supported to know that there are two worlds of support for us, the world we know of our friends & family & our blog world of people we've never met but which we share our inner world with - thanx to you xx

Our baby just died

2006-10-05T12:36:00.000+09:30

We were so afraid this am. Our second baby had died at exactly 8 weeks & 2 days....and then we saw it, a large baby, bigger than last week, much bigger but no heartbeat. There was inactivity where there was supposed to be a strong vital beat. Our baby had died. It was measuring just 8 weeks & 2 days. It had just died, hours before....last night, or during the night or this morning. I knew what to do, I knew what happens, I knew the sonographer keeps looking for a beat that isnt there. We'd done this before.....we were shattered & numb at the same time. A put his head in his hands. I just cut off from what was happening. I was in survival mode. I wanted out of there.

I got dressed & left.

Called our RE.

My D&C is tomorrow 9am.

We dont know what to do with ourselves yet in a disturbing way Im actually a little used to this.....

I think i'll be more distressed tomorrow, today there is still autopilot reactions & shock that we are here again.

Our RE will get the baby karyotyped. Im scared we will find out it was a normal child. At least if it is a chromosomal prob...there is some explanation....does that make it more palatable?...i dont know anymore

He said we shouldnt give up. He said he has seen many recurring miscarriers (with results that were both chromosomally wrong & normal) carry to term.

At this stage A wants to give up.

At this stage i still feel pregnant.

At this stage i want to wake up & to find out this was all just a horrible nightmare.

This was our 5th pregnancy.

To me it is weird that we lost our second at exactly 8 wks 2 days...maybe there is some significant chromosomal developmental task that occurs at 8 wks 2 days that our babies have not been able to progress thru because we are missing some instrumental 8 wk 2 day gene...im not sure if that makes sense....but i hope you know what i mean....

I cant believe this is over.....

Why are we in the 5-10% that could still miscarry, why arent we ever in the 90% that wont?

Why does this keep happening?

I dont know if we'll ever carry our baby to term or birth our baby or see our baby's face for the first time....i was still hopeful but now im begginning to believe we will never get there.

A part of me wants to keep writing to you all.....to maintain the connection somehow....to keep this period & experience still alive in some way....but i have nothing really left to say & i guess our baby is dead...its just me wanting it all to be as it was....

And the anxiety escalates & escalates....

2006-10-03T19:32:00.000+09:30

The anxiety escalates and escalates......

Though the weeks till now have been extremely harrowing & terrifying, i think for A & I, the real terror & stress has set in now. Our second miscarriage ended at 9 weeks. My symptoms had slightly lessened, I had a bad feeling, booked an ultrasound & we saw our baby dead in utero. It measured 8 weeks & 2 days. The first, third & fourth miscarriages we didnt get so far....so now the stakes are higher, our stress levels & fear I sense are escalating, our sleep is so bad, its almost non existent....& we are just hanging in there. Today i am 8 weeks. Our next ultrasound is the day after tomorrow. And then (assuming things will be ok) we will still have 4 more weeks till we get to the 12 week mark. Will i even relax then? Im way ahead of myself, i've got 4 more weeks, 28 more days of this excruciating waiting.

Today i had acupuncture. L was away so back i went to see M. The last time I saw her was at embryo transfer, exactly one month ago, it was nice to tell her i was pregnant but scary too. She assessed my pulses with such astute ability...shes quite impressive. According to M, my anxiety is being processed by my liver...or rather my liver is having to suffer my anxiety.....my poor liver.

My chi/energy is OK, the left hand pulse is strong so all seems ok.....but who knows till we have the u/sound Thurs.

As i type, i poke & prod my breasts & thank god theyre sore & tender because almost all day they havent been.

So you can see the state im in....quite terrified & anxious & praying all will be ok.

M did say to me the way to hold onto chi is to lie down so she said as often as i can to lie down....so off i go to chill out in bed watching tele & conserving my chi.

Thanx for all your encouraging words, prayers & support...im so grateful xx

So Nervous.....

2006-09-30T20:32:00.000+09:30

The joy from Thursday is wearing off ...& the anxiety & trepidation have settled in. Don't get me wrong - of course we are joyful & cautiously optimistic but so aware there is still 5 weeks ahead of risky time & we are very nervous. Last night I hardly slept & at 2am, i suddenly had quite bad cramps, thet felt exactly like period cramps....i recalled this from earlier pregnancies & was told it is normal unless its really severe & accompanied by bleeding but it was enough to cause concern. Today this afternoon i had cramps again.....& its enough to make me worried.

I've looked it up on the net & spoken to a few people & all have said it is at this stage normal. Today i felt seedy too. Im on chinese herbs which could be assisting with nausea but i havent had full on morning sickness - i know thats not necessarily a bad sign but at this stage ...im anxious.

This period is so filled with anxiety & dread & hope & prayer.....one minute im feeling positive, the next, terrified....im all over the place......

I want to thank you all for your ongoing support, joy & prayer...i really believe the collective prayer from all our friends & you guys in blog land has helped enormously.

Mon is the holiest day of the jewish yr -yom kippur. It is a day of atonement where we fast from sun nite sunset to mon nite sun set. Every yr as a child my mother would bake delicious, divine ritual foods that we only ate this time of yr & we would ceremoniously break our fast with them. They are foods that her mother made & all my matriarchs made before me. Today A & I baked some of these & tomorrow we will bake more. It is a beautiful thing to do & in baking these, i feel connected to & honouring of my mum & I love baking them with A.

This year though since I am pregnant I do not have to fast.

I have just been searching the net in an attempt to reassure me this pregnancy will last...both my RE & other websites have said that after there is a healthy strong heartbeat...the risk of miscarriage goes down to 10%...i am so praying i am in the 90%......i know so many of you havent been & i've been there before too...but this time I am so intensely praying we are in the 90%.

And so thats my update today - nervous, terrified, crampy, seedy & praying intensely

Our miracle

2006-09-28T13:38:00.000+09:30

We arrived at our second ultrasound....bracing ourselves. Strangely my bad feelings had subsided & i secretly had a feeling maybe, just maybe things would be ok...but was way too terrified to voice that. We didnt have to wait today - thank god. We had the same sonographer as last week. As she was getting ready, i politely asked her if she could measure the ovaries & other things she needs to measure after she tells us if the baby is alive...she agreed. I inserted the probe & immediately she found a heartbeat!!!!!!

I could see it, i could actually see it, it was clicking away. A immediately said "its not fast". I responded "to me it looks fast" She told us it was 140 beats / minute. I braced myself once more as I asked her how big the baby was....she measured him/her & reported it was measuring 6 wks & 6 days so it had grown a full 8 days in 7 days - the most it could have grown.

I burst into tears, not a few tears - a sob...the anxiety, fear, trauma I'd been holding onto all week came pouring out - it was, for today, a great result.

We couldn't believe it.....our prayers & all the collective prayers from our friends & you, my amazing blog supporters had been heard.....& yet we're only 7 weeks & 2 days & have 5 more weeks of this risky time....

It feels like centuries still.

We saw the dr after the u/sound - he compared the results from last week to this week & told us we were (for today) going very well.

We kissed & cried & sighed & exhaled a lot but felt tremendous anxiety & fear too as now the stakes get higher.

We left the clinic & headed to our acupuncturist who was excited too. Its quite endearing, shes sees my pregnancy as her personal challenge. She felt my pulses & this time expressed my right hand energy pulse is still weak but my yin left hand pulse very strong & she said she felt it was a boy....a very naughty boy. I too felt it had to be a boy, after all a little girl wouldn't do this to us. Strange actually, it feels like boy energy to me too....

listen to me....its so scary to even consider a little girl or boy....way too premature.

Our RE called me - he actually congratulated me & told me we are exactly normal today....he actually said i have to book in to see an obstetrician for an appt in week 10 which felt way too scary & premature but according to him, a percentage of risk has dropped & all (hopefully) could be & should be ok.

So...my blog supporters....for today we are smiling. I want to thank you all sooooooo very much for your thoughts, wishes & prayers. Please keep praying as we have quite a road still ahead of us.

Im terrified but cautiously optimistic.

We have another u/sound next thurs. These weekly waits are agony.

Thanxxxxxx to you all.

Miserable me

2006-09-25T18:22:00.000+09:30

Another week started today. The actual activity of getting up, getting ready & heading to work felt very difficult.....this confirmed my self diagnosis of depression. Its that heavy feeling where everything feels too hard. I am not enthused about anything. I cannot be joyful. I feel like being alone. I feel like eating shit & sleeping alot but at night im not really sleeping well....yep.... a depression has set in.....i sure hope it doesnt stay for too long but it doesnt seem to want to budge at the moment.

In the middle of the day, i rushed out to acup. L thought my pulses were softer....not a good sign.....

So Im not really holding out much hope....i do believe in miracles but i somehow feel one of those lucky miraculous story wont be happening to us.....it feels as tho' only the bad shit stories happen to us.

I had thought maybe this was our time.

Im beggining to believe we wont get a time.

Waiting till Thurs will be & is excruciating....

And what for.....why the wait.....to see a baby dead in utero without a heartbeat.

I have prayed so very hard & it feels as tho' he doesnt listen to my prayers.

I know this must sound indulgent & 'poor me' but i am feeling sorry for myself - thats the truth.

A's working again tonite but is off from work for a week now so at least he'll be home.

Thats it from miserable me.

So so depressed

2006-09-24T19:55:00.000+09:30

This weekend was Jewish New Year. I was in synagogue Sat & Sun. Apart from being surrounded by much younger fertile women with all their babies & big pregnant wombs everywhere (which was hard to endure), it was nice to be there. Our synagogue is a low key one. We have a beautiful rabbi who a few yrs ago decided Sydney lacked a space for the many 'youngish' jews who dont really access judaism & spirituality in mainstream synagogues so he started a synagogue I call the outreach synagogue. Its unpretentious, very real & he explains & connects you to the service, telling inspiring, symbolic kabbalistic stories etc.

Anyway...the timing was good & I prayed hard for our little baby who is just maybe still alive....my seat was in the very back row so i felt quite invisible from the crowds. This meant every few moments i could poke my boobs to check they were still sore. Yesterday, they were tender. I felt encouraged, a tad hopeful....maybe our prayers were being answered finally. I knew A was in the mens section doing the same, praying for our baby.

Today though, my boobs werent tender at all. From last night till now - they havent been sore....& with this lack of symptom, Ive slowly slid into a very depressed place.

A has been working last night & tonight & Ive noticed a pattern has developed...till he goes to work, Ive stayed up, trying to be as normal as possible. Our interaction is low & sad. He sees me poke my boobs, asks if theyre sore, I answer 'no' to which he responds 'its died'....we are both so depressed. As soon as he leaves, (abt 4.20)Ive gone to bed & slept till 7. Both yesterday & today Ive had quite scary, dark nitemares. When i wake the house has been totally dark. Today when i awoke, i realised how depressed i am.

This excruciating waiting, this possible miscarriage but possible viable pregnancy has taken its toll, as have the previous 4 miscarriages. Today all the losses are compounding making me feel very bad. When my boobs are sore its easier to stay a little positive that maybe things will be ok on Thurs...but now without tender boobs i feel like our small compromised baby has died...

I got out of bed only because I had to, I had to feed the dogs & the cat. i fed them, hung up a load of washing & realised how down i am. You know when you realise that even those menial tiny tasks feel too hard & you cant cope with even that....thats where im at tonite.

And you know those times when even though you have wonderful supportive friends, you dont even feel like talking to them....it just feels it wont help....thats where im at too.

I really miss my mum. How i wish my mum were still alive. Though our miscarriages would have caused her even more trauma than Ive experienced (she would always experience my pain with such intensity that sometimes it was easier to not share it)....i miss her unconditional love & support. She would have known exactly what i need. She would have known that when im down, i dont even bother cooking & preparing meals properly & would have brought me my favourite home cooked nurturing meals. She would have just kept me company, hugged me, listened & cried with me.....theres really no one else who does it like she used to.

I wish A had a different job where he were home at night. When im feeling ok, i dont mind it but when im feeling so low, it feels so awful to be here alone, night after night, isolated, in a dark house, depressed about our miscarriages. He doesnt work every nite but lately its been 3 or 4 nites a week ...sun through to wed & i feel so alone. At least when hes here, we are both together in our sadness.

I cant bare this.

Fence sitting

2006-09-21T14:57:00.000+09:30

I awoke sad, depressed.....dreading the u/sound. We drove in silence. It was awful. We waited in the waiting room for over half an hour. Dozens of very happy pregnant couples exited from their u/sounds with their dvd's showing their babies. They were all smiling, rebooking their next u/sound.

Finally we were called in. She took her time, measuring my ovaries....& then measured the gestational sac. I was jumping ahead of her asking questions.....'Is there a heartbeat, how big does it measure?'...and so our baby is measuring at only 2mm....ie: 5weeks & 4 days when it should be measuring 6 weeks & 2 days - a 5 day discrepancy. The heartbeat is 112 / minute.

The sonographer seemed to think it was good news. I didn't......as my miscarriage management nurse had told me it would need to measure the right size. We were taken in to see a dr. He was lovely. He was sitting on the fence....the good news he said is there's a heartbeat but it is smaller than it should be.....he suggested we u/sound again next Thurs.

I was tryng to integrate the info. It could have been worse but was not very good....we're still in with a chance but it feels like ...just ...in by a thread.

We waited for our RE to call.....he shared the same view. He is sitting on the fence, wouldn't give me a likelihood or probability. He said it could easily go either way. He is concerned abt the size but there is still a heartbeat. He said anything over 110 beats / min is ok & were just in....so...more excruciating waiting.

We went back to my acupuncturist (the old one as at least I can just pop in to her) she was worried abt the size & heartbeat but (would you believe) this time...my pulses are strong, good & she said she is positive & hopeful.

So...who knows.....its out of my hands....Its a jewish holiday coming up & we'll bein synagogue quite a lot over the w'end so lots of praying opportunities.

Is it possible our baby can just be a tad small but OK?

Do any of you know abt size discrepancies & heartbeats & all these terrifying things?????

This will be an excruciating week.

Oh yeh....I've decided to use both acupuncturists as I need....you see you cant just pop into J but she is more communicative but at least with L, I can just pop in so have decided to utilise both as I need them. My intuition is at the moment acup once / twice a week will help so Im going to go back to L on Monday.

So depressed....

2006-09-20T17:49:00.000+09:30

Tomorrow is the ultrasound. We are expecting the worst. We are depressed. The alive activity in my uterus i feel when im pregnant has stopped. My boobs are still tender-ish but from previous miscarriages i know that lingers.

A few things have happened. I called J, my old chinese herbalist / acupuncturist i used to see before my current one. I needed an explanation as to what L had referred to when she said my energy was weak but refused to explain it to me. So J explained, from a chinese med perspective, when they feel the energy is weak it is probably referring to kidney function....but J said that either i can have some kidney stuff going on that can cause a propensity to miscarriage or alternatively i could have already miscarried & hence, then she would have been feeling a reduced kidney energy....im a little confused...as far as i know my kidneys are fine & at transfer time & the week later...my energy was fine.....but i do feel better to know...i have a burning desire to know all.

I had a good talk to J....& I've decided to go back to her. I wont divorce L as such as I may need to pop in at times but i'll chge back to J for the most of my herbs & acup.....L might be a guru, but shes mad, barks at me, doesnt explain things & i think isnt particularly grt for my psyche whereas J, who isnt quite the guru is gentle, explains all to me, understands my psyche & is more respectful. She added that after all i've gone thru & the chronic insomnia i suffer from, she thinks the main area she would help me is my mind to try & relax & frankly i think she's right.....if I could sleep again, im sure id feel so much better.

the other significant difference in my life is Ive told a few supportive women at work what is going on & i shared with my boss whats going on....i feel so much better....i feel i dont have to lie when i go off for the u/sound tomorrow for example & i feel supported. when im teary, weepy etc...i feel its ok.

It is jewish new yr fri nite.....prior to this recent trauma...my fantasy was that we would have our first healthy u/sound fri & we'd head off to new yr dinner feeling so good, elated, encouraged etc.....but now we'll struggle thru. It'll be agony trying to be social, light, celebratory....its one of those things we have to do but....if im feeling sorry for myself....i feel im allowed to be!!!!!!

Bring on tomorrow. The sooner this starts to end, the sooner I can start to move on.

Someone told me today she knew s'one who'd had 17 miscarriages.....how did she survive that?

How do i survive this?

Going, going, gone....

2006-09-18T21:18:00.000+09:30

And just as we feared & thought.....the hcg result today was a bad one. Fri it had been 4300, so today should have been up around 9000 - 10,000 if all was well but it wasn't. It was 6230.....increased but clearly not doubling. Our RE called & said there were 3 options.....1) its just a bleep & all will be fine 2) its going to not go down but not go up ...it will plateau here for a while but be non viable or 3) the hcg will start to drop & eventually I'll start to bleed. Action: Ultrasound on Thurs for a more diagnostic know......in the meantime I know & A knows its over.

It was going so well & suddenly stopped going so well.

I came home.....devastated but in some sick way, felt sensitised to this torture & trauma.

I lay depressed & numb on the couch with A till he had to go to work.

I sms'ed the support team, spoke to many of them & the dread started to sink in.

Thats 5 pregnancies in 22 months.

Im so sick of this.

Im angry at my chinese dr.....she picked my chi (energy) was weak.....why the fuck cant she fix it...thats her bag - chi is.....i pay her $1000 a month to make my energy strong to sustain a pregnancy.

Some of my friends are angry with her.....maybe if she hadnt said that....i wouldnt have been in such a state all w'end & maybe, just maybe -all would be ok today.

Im pissed off, devastated, sad, bereft, angry, fucked off, despairing, hopeless, fed up, tired, drained, over it.

So is poor A.

I so much desperately wanted this pregnancy to hold....12 weeks would have been right up on my mums death anniversary & there was something special abt that, a week later it would have been my 38th b'day & finally I would have been safely pregnant. If A goes away for this specialisation, at least I would have been preoccupied with this pregnancy......& last of all.....i just wanted it to stay, we desperately wanted our baby.

Somehow, despite these recurring losses, my support team still are convinced we'll get there.....how is it they are sure? Im no longer sure?

Ofcourse its not over till Thurs but i know it is.....

I was praying so hard, all of you were, my supportive friends were.....why isnt god listening to any of these prayers?

Why is this happening?

Its so unfair.

Thanx for all your prayers & support....i wish i could be giving you positive great news...

Good night xx

Terrified

2006-09-17T12:58:00.000+09:30

I am terrified. When I was receiving really good beta hcg results, I was feeling so hopeful & encouraged...I actually believed this would be our time....but since my chinese dr reported my pulse is weak...I've been left feeling anxious, worried & discouraged. I recall another miscarriage (I cant recall which one it was) when she reported my pulse was weak & then I miscarried....... I kept asking her what it meant but all she would tell me was my energy was weak...what the fuck does this mean? can i carry to term still? is it my energy or the babies? Ofcourse Im low energy, im anxious, not sleeping well & terrified of losing another pregnancy. A very close friend of mine, D is almost 11 wks pregnant. Her chinese dr has also reported her pulse was weak throughout her first trimester but she kept the pregnancy.......I am praying & begging to keep this one. I cant bare the thought of losing this one too. The plan from here is another beta hcg tomorrow am & then if all good -our first ultrasound end of this wk...so there are a few monumental hurdles to get thru this week, another one or two beta hcgs....& then the u/sound. Im afraid we'll get to the u/sound but the beats per minute will be low & that will herald doom.....Im so afraid & anxious.

Ive tried to distract my self this am with doing some work. A is slowly waking & we'll head out with the boys shortly for a nice walk & we'll visit my dad later this arvo but i am not doing well.....i tried meditating this am too. I wish i could just disappear into some time warp & appear at 12 weeks....this is unbearable.

Has anyone else been told by a chinese practitioner to have a weak pulse?

Pls pray for our baby. I feel like we need all the help we can get.

Thank you xx

Totally frieked by a weak pulse

2006-09-16T11:44:00.000+09:30

Well so far so good but im feeling so anxious as well. Yesterday am, I had another blood test & i was 5 weeks & 3 days yesterday - the hcg was 4300 - our RE called & he was pleased.....he said so far everythings going well & at the end of next week I'll be able to have our first ultrasound & if theres a good heartbeat - 'were well on the way'......but then in the afternoon I had an appointment with my chinese dr & i told her my news & she was pleased but then she felt my pulse & was worried that my energy pulse was weak.....she scared me. Immediately i launched into questions 'what does that mean?, will i lose the baby?'...She couldn't give me anything other than my pulse was weak.....she's always been so very accurate about my pregnancies based on my pulse readings so Im very scared, very anxious & very worried.

I also had a pretty shitty car accident yesterday am, my fault.....I totally sideswept a delivery truck double parked & four panels of our care need to be replaced......life is stressful at the moment...

Pls pray our baby is ok

I think i'll have a repeat test on Mon am

We are 5 weeks today

2006-09-12T14:09:00.000+09:30

Yesterday I was a mess, crying...terrified it was going to be declining. This am for no reason, i felt a little better......waiting for the call was hell...and then it came....hcg of 1984. I sighed & exhaled. The nurse said our RE was very pleased....so was I.....so was A...it feels like we've survived the hugest hurdle...and then I realise we are only at 5 weeks today....still so early....so many dangers still ahead...but for today...we are still pregnant. Today our embryo is still growing. Thank You God, Thank you supportive blog friends.

Anxious Times

2006-09-10T18:54:00.000+09:30

Its been a rainy, windy freezing w'end. A hasn't been working so its been lovely chilling out & snuggling in all w'end. Apart from a family dinner Fri nite & a friends low key party Sat nite we've just hung out the two of us, sleeping in, reading, eating, lying around....so nice.

My anxiety levels have swung quite extremely - most of yesterday I felt good, positive...but this afternoon & evening for no particular reason ive swung the other way & am terrified for Tues's result...expecting the worst.

My intention of remaining detached & disengaged has failed miserably....I've thought of nothing else. Iguess thats not entirely true, Ive still been able to concentrate on a novel & enjoy chatting to people last night but most of the time my energy & thought is totally with my growing (i hope & pray) embryo.

I would like to thank you all for your supportive, excited & encouraging words....it helps a lot thru this anxiety. I so hope I can keep reporting good results but who knows whats ahead.....the reality is we're not even 5 weeks. Today we're 33 days & Tues will be 5 weeks so its soooo very early. I just wish I wouldnt invest till at least 9 or so weeks - the minute Im told Im pregnant, instantly the instinct of caring, investing & nuturing kicks in.

My chinese herbalist tends to know whether Im pregnant before an official test & in between tests she feels my pulse to know if things are going well. By sensing my own pulse & feeling the difference between a pregnant pulse & a miscarrying pulse...I have actually come to know the difference...obviously not with her reliability but I am able to feel that when im pregnant, my pulse is faster & stronger than usual......the upside of this is yesterday I was regularly checking my pulse for reassurance we were ok, the down side, I am obsessively checking my pulse every 10 -20 mins & you know when you are too close to something you lose objectivity...well...Ive lost it Im afraid.....very stressful.

In previous pregnancies, when Ive always had tender boobs, I would regularly poke & feel my boobs to check they were still tender. In fact in my second pregnancy, during the 9th week it was my lessening symptoms (particular my boobs werent as tender & I wasnt as exhausted) that indicated to me something was wrong....thats when the ultrasound had shown it had died in utero 5 days earlier.

But with this pregnancy, my boobs arent sore, I have no real symptoms except constipation & bloat....so its hard to test for ongoing symptoms - hence the pulse reading obsession.

Well - thats an update for today......anxious, scared, laying low & praying a lot.

I pray our embryo is thriving & dividing & making a comfortable home in there.

Very Early Scary Days

2006-09-08T17:27:00.000+09:30

Its been a very long week. Im sorry I didnt report back straight after the first hcg test on Monday - the result was a positive test, the hcg was 121. It was day 27. Our RE was pleased with that...basically they look for anything around 100 at 28 days so over 100 at day 27 was considered good.

We were ofcourse pleased we'd overcame hurdle one but for both A & I....the past experiences have been so painful & influential....it was too difficult to be pleased or excited...we were anxious & quite afraid the pattern of the last two pregnancies was going to repeat itself.

The pattern of the last two pregnancies was on day 27 - the hcg was fine. I retested both times two days later on day 29 - at this test, for both of my last pregnancies it had increased & was still in the normal range but could go either way.....& then for both pregnancies - by day 31 two days later - it had decreased & I was told I'd miscarry & had to wait to bleed.

So, this time, I wasn't keen on testing on day 29. Though it was a difficult wait, I waited till today - day 31 - & the hcg was 358. On some level I knew my anxiety levels were better because in previous pregnancies I couldn't possibly wait till day 31. According to our RE, its meant to double every 2-3 days & this it has. I was hoping for a much higher result but i guess its still ok, within normal limits at this very very early stage. Our RE was pleased & thinks its coming up nicely but wants me back in 4 more days for a retest....so here we go again, another difficult 4 day wait.

The good news is we've passed where we reached the last two pregnancies...but its still so ridiculously early, Im only 4 & a half weeks today, will be 5 wks on Tues if I get there (please god).

I can feel activity in my uterus & am so very bloated. My boobs are only starting to get sore now whereas in my previous 4 pregnancies - my boobs were sore from so very early.

The most we've reached is 9 weeks.

I have a support network - beautiful friends who were waiting for my call or sms today - they will continue to pray. Can I ask you guys to as well?

Im trying to remain calm, quite disengaged but it is sooooooo hard.

Well thats my news team, I'll keep you posted!

Hurdle number one approaching...

2006-09-03T16:42:00.000+09:30

These two weeks have been the most manageable of the two week waits Ive so far endured. Of course, it was constantly on my mind but they have gone quite quickly & I feel as though I have not obsessed to the same degree. The official date for my test is Tues 5th Sep but I am going in tomorrow as Tuesday wont be a good day for me to deal with the outcome & also because frankly Im over the waiting.

As far as symptoms go.....I am bloated as if I am 5 mths pregnant...it looks quite ridiculous actually & embarrassing. I am extremely constipated (normally Im very regular)...both of those could be the progesterone pessaries. My boobs arent sore at all, nor veiny nor swollen & every previous pregnancy Ive had Ive had sore swollen veiny tender boobs......but Im aware every pregnancy can be different.....

Im well aware that even if I receive a positive pregnancy test.....after the four previous miscarriages...it wont mean much. For me unfortunately...its an anxiety ridden, despairing wait with follow up hcg tests & ultrasounds....& so I still try to remain detached & disengaged but as tomorrow am approaches....its harder & harder......Its a stressful test I have to have but on another level it doesnt mean much....for the last 4 pregnancies, at the early test mark, everything looks great, all my hormone levels are exactly where they need to be....(& apart from miscarriage 2 that lasted till 9 wks)...they've all gone down hill early within 4-6 wks....so...its a hard one, a positive test is only the first hurdle but there are many others.....here we go....

Meanwhile....our lives have taken an interesting turn.....A was in a career slump....he needed to go to the next step...either specialising or opening a practice......his preference was specialising but that would have probably meant going interstate or o/s for a few yrs. I wasnt interested in doing that right now.....I'd finally found a job I really loved & felt like I could really invest in for a while & with all this miscarriage management etc....i wanted to stay put.....It felt a hard one.....because I know how soul destroying it is to be unfulfilled in a career & so much wanted him to do something where he would be fulfilled but I also had finally found a niche where I was fulfilled & I also know its hard to find a job where you're really fulfilled...I wasn't feeling comfortable about throwing that away.....so we were stuck.....till A went off to an industry conference & happened to be in the right place at the right time & shmooze with the right people & has been offerred an opportunity of a lifetime...he can specialise by doing 3mth externships in another state (where they bring out gurus from the US to run the externships) & meanwhile we can stay living here. So it means....he would go off to Qld for 3mths this yr & 3 mths next yr....& the rest of the time fulfil a residency here & still obtain a speciality in a very niche speciality where as of today there is only one in Aust....so it would give him a real edge & niche...well done A! It's not 100% decided, he still has a few more negotiations to have but its almost a sure thing. At first I was quite frieked...3 mths is a long time & he wouldnt be able to fly back w'ends....at most we'd probably see eachother 1/month.....but Im alrready used to the idea & quite excited for both of us actually.

For him, it will be amazing...a real challenge & something for him to sink his teeth into & strive for....which A needs. For me, it will be good too. Of course I'll miss him terribly but it will be good for me too.

The externship actually starts tomorrow but he'll probably join the grp in a week or two.....oh yeh...he wont earn an income for 3 mths.....& the fees are quite hefty...so it will be a strain but hey...its only money!

If Im not pregnant or if I miscarry again ...I'll keep going on ivf & he'll have to fly in for the day I have egg retrieval to contribute. It will be tough doing this alone but thats ok!

So thats where we are.....right now...lots going on.....

My beautiful close friend D came back from Israel & brought me back a kabbalistic symbol on a chain that protects against miscarriage so I've had it on since the day after the transfer...it all helps.

I've got a dentist appointment tomorrow am after my blood test & Im feeling a tad anxious....is there anything a dentist puts in my mouth that may be absorbed that would be harmful if I were pregnant??? At this stage Im thinking I'll go for the appt & tell him im a neurotic maniac...

Yesterday I bumped into an acquantance who I met thru our dogs & also thru our chinese herbalist. Last I saw her she'd just had a laparoscopy & was waiting till they could try again. They tried again & was clearly quite pregnant. I congratulated her. We talked about it for a while. It was hard. She asked where I was up to....I volunteered we'd had 4 miscarriages. She went on to ask a thousand questions.....but wouldnt even bother listening to the answers...it took me a few moments to register it was not helpful to me at all, in fact it was distressing me & i was able to say "I dont want to talk about this with you". ...after a few more mins I managed to escape....it was pretty awful & I was pretty harsh but I also felt good that i was able to protect me from the barrage of questions & awful situation......

OK, thats about it for now.....there'll be more news i guess coming soon, please pray!!!!

Here we go again

2006-08-26T12:26:00.000+09:30

And at the end of another frenetic week....I was booked in for our embryo transfer. My psychic preparation included self talk around the fact that the most i can hope for is a head down, bum up 2 week wait. I dont want to be investing huge positivity into this cycle....firstly because its almost an impossibility & secondly because i cant bare the trauma at the other end.....so ive been trying to persuade me to be as disengaged as I can be, detached & stay busy.....that must sound extremely negative...in reality its not...we are complex creatures & on one level somewhere ofcourse I was going to be secretly praying it would work but for the most part i needed to survive.....

And Fri arrived before I knew it. I was working as efficiently as possible before heading off to the pre transfer acupuncture. I participated in the acup & session with a little more detachment. I was not hanging onto each word she says. I wasn't interested in her other success stories. I wanted my acup, my herbs & I wanted out of there.....it wasn't so bad. Ive certainly distanced from her & that feels good. Ive been writing that she no longer was meeting my every need & I've been consciously opening myself up to other practitioners who fit in to my lifestyle & new approach....& this afternoon was the first act of this new energy materialised. My transfer was later than previous attempts. I was booked in for 3.30. On a Fri, Im aware my acupuncturist likes to leave early...so I rang around & miraculously got a 5pm appt with an old acupuncturist who had a cancellation....I felt relieved....I was told by the receptionist it was a miracle...it felt right.

We arrived at the clinic & the embryologist greeted us with disappointing news. We'd had 5 embryos in the freezer. To me...that meant, 2 f0r this cycle, 2 for another cycle if need be (& one left over) till another stimulated cycle. My estimations were wrong. The first embryo thawed beautifully & was surviving well. The second embryo didnt survive the thaw. The third embryo thawed well but in the next few hours awaiting the transfer the cells degenerated significantly...so we had a choice to make...do we put in the two that were thawed...allbeit one of them was degenerating as we spk or do we thaw again....we umm'ed & aah'ed, liaised with our RE & decided to thaw another.....& so we all waited another hour for our second embryo. The degenerated one was discarded which i felt soooo uncomfortable about. My intuition was to put them both in & thaw another anyway so put 3 back but apparently legislation prevents a transfer of 3. I asked our RE the million dollar question..."what would you do, if it were you?"...He was clear he would give this cycle the best chance & so we thawed another.....an hour later....by which time, I'd thoroughly investigated the lab equipment, understood the process in the kind of detail i like...we were ready....the new embryo was doing very well & we proceeded.....they were in at 4.30ish.

A had to go to work & I calmly drove to my new (old) acupuncturist. The visit was relaxed & thorough. I wasn't barked at. The clinic was quiet & peaceful. I slept peacefully.

So they are in.....Im trying to remain as detached as I can but already I feel how hard that is.....Im choosing not to discuss it. Im choosing to keep busy, distracted & stimulated. Ofcourse Im praying all will work out but Im not even going there.....its far too painful.....so that is it......here we go again.

And today she would have been 80

2006-08-22T21:32:00.000+09:30

I awoke sad & teary, didnt sleep well. I cried a little on my way to work remembering her b'days. By the time I got to work, it was full on & busy but I decided to visit her grave at lunch time which i did.....i drove up to the cemetery (only 10mins away) sat by her grave in the sun for a little while wishing her happy b'day, telling her how much i loved & missed her & gave her a few kisses. I felt calm & soothed to be by her side.

I arrived home & A had left for work. He'd also left her (& I) a b'day card & a beautiful yummy cheese cake with candles on it for her...i was touched. It was also my friends b'day, D. So another friend, S & I had decided to have a low key drink with D & celebrate both her & mums b''days. Since we all met through our dogs in the dog park, it was most fitting to spend the evening outdoors together. S brought a few bottles of champagne, sparklers etc. I brought two cakes (the one I'd bought for D after work & the one A bought to honour my mum) & between us we had 5 happy dogs....& eachother. We celebrated D's b'day & honoured mum & it felt right. They asked me about her & I was proud to rave about her so intensely...i was blessed with her as my mum.

When she died, apart from the usual inscription on her grave describing her major relationships etc, I also wrote a private loving tribute to her:

To my beloved mother
With you there is love, there is god
With all my heart & my soul
I am with you
I love you & I honour you
Always & all ways
We are together till the end of time

Happy birthday mummy xxxxxx

Lightness, Challenge & Mum.

2006-08-21T20:25:00.000+09:30

And I finally ovulated...very late....either yesterday or today....day 19 or 20.....odd isn't it?. I've been going in every two days & then every day for bloods & ultrasounds. The clinic said I ovulated yesterday but i really felt it was today, I had the sharp 'o' pains & the bloat that comes & really felt it was today....who knows...anyway - they've decided - embryo transfer is Fri....so here we go again.

I'm feeling quite light, have been laughing a lot & have noticed the obsessed, depressed, painful part of me & this process is not at the forefront of my heart & mind. It's obviously there because the thought of calling my pregnant friend in Melb feels way too painful & hard...but as far as my day-day world goes here - life is (thank god) lighter & a tad easier. My job is a god send. Im very busy, but loving it & distracted & stimulated & hence I don't obsess about this stuff all day.

I'm still very selective about what Im doing & where Im going (as in socially), but there are quite a few people I can enjoy & be light with.....they are not the friends I've been intensely sharing every painful moment of this process with....they know whats going on & we obviously talk about it openly & honestly but our interaction feels a little more open & theres room & space for other & I've noticed thats what I'm comfortable with right now....back a few months ago, it felt like every chat with a close friend related to the minute details of this process & I contributed to that as much as they did - but the process has shifted for me & I no longer wish to sit & talk about it incessantly & intensely ...in fact it feels unhelpful, boring & monotonous so for now Im taking space from those friends & enjoying other connections...we are still laying low but I've certainbly emerged from our bomb shelter & enjoying spring. Yesterday I worked & to work on a Sun would have been unheard but I actually enjoyed it & laughed a lot. & Sat I enjoyed retail therapy - it hit the spot. Spring is here almost & the days are warmer & its a new season....i can feel it.

So - my lightness feels important & I recognise it will be a huge challenge to maintain this lightness thru my embryo transfer & 2ww. I so hope I can remain disengaged to a degree & detached as I am now but I know that will be almost impossible & whatever happens is ok. It has to be.

But I am aware my energy has changed & things are lighter. Im not as focused & rigid with my herbs, infact theyre rating lower in my 'must do's'., Im loving my job & would happily be there for some time yet, Im opening my emotional landscape to otherness (more on this later) & just feel lighter.

Tomorrow is my beloved Mummys 8oth b'day. I can't believe if she were here - she'd be 80. I used to make a huge fuss of her b'days, take the day off work, pick her up for a gorgeous indulgent breakfast, shower her with gifts, more meals, more fun, movies, shopping, galleries, etc.....it was a very deliberate treat as my dad didnt treat & spoil her & i desperately wanted to....it was a special day for both of us & i miss doing that, spoiling my beloved mummy on her b'day.

It is also my friends b'day, D. So at this stage, a few of us will meet in the evening to have a brief celebration.

Wherever you are my darling mum, I wish I could celebrate with you tomorrow. I wish I could drive up in the morning & see you waiting at the sunroom window for my car. I wish I could hug & kiss you & spoil you & shower you with me & gifts & make you feel as loved as you were & still are. You never made it to 80 mum, only to 76 but to me you were ageless, you will be 76 forever now & you will keep growing with me too. I adore you mummy.

Tikkun Olam

2006-08-15T17:34:00.000+09:30

'Tikkun Olam' is a hebrew phrase which literally means 'to repair the world'. It is a kabbalistic concept which I'm not professing to know alot about at all, only a tiny bit...it is about helping to make the world more perfect.....anyway......today I told A all about what I'd been processing with regard to my previous entry. How I'd love us to adopt an international child after (please god) we have one or two of our own (that's the fantasy). We talked about it for a quite a while, what it would mean to us? what it would potentially be like?....& A likes the idea too, alot. For me - I believe its our way of contributing to tikkun olam. Its our bit, its how we can contribute to the world. Its adopting a child for them, to give them a loving home - not because we desire a family but because we can do our bit & thats how. On so many levels it feels so right for me but of course I have no idea whats ahead...will we ever have our own? Will we adopt because we have to? I don't know the answers to those questions....but I know this is what I would love A & I to do this lifetime, how we would like our family to be.

And tomorrow I must take my sick old body back to work. Im not fully recovered but enough to return. Though I hate having the flu, I actually think the time & space enabled some room for me to process some of this stuff so for that - it was good to be home & ofcourse it was good to be with all my boys. A only leaves for work in the afternoon so it was nice to have sleep ins & not race out in the mad week hype.

It made me want to have a holiday together, but not even necessarily go away....it would be so nice to just have a break where we can both chill out even here at home, sleeping, enjoy spring thays almost here, etc.....but for both of us a holiday isnt in the plans soon. A is away at a conference in 2 weeks for a week & though I appreciate the space, I hate it when he's away.

More flu & other weird & wonderful phenomena....

2006-08-14T20:39:00.000+09:30

Well the flu well & truly set in, achy, swollen glands, teary eyes, runny, blocked nose -the works & I didnt resist the nose drops - i figured the sanity I needed by breathing & hence sleeping was worth more to me than the possible affect on my ovulation & today i didnt go to work & i wont go in tomorrow either....ive watched good dvds but generally ive been feeling so lousy. A has really been looking after me, yummy home made soup & yummy organic muffins....only in the last year, since in fact we've experienced the miscarriages, A suddenly took on house husband role & boy hes good at it. A year ago, he never would have bothered cooking but now he goes searching thru the cookbooks & delivers very delicious heartwarming food.

But onto more serious issues at hand. I made my way coughing & spluttering into the clinic this am & its day 13 & im no where near ovulation as yet....its quite strange that this month & last mth I ovulated so late. Last mth it made sense as the first month after my miscarriage but this mth too seems to be really later.....going on my ultrasound this am, it looks as though I wont ovulate for another 4 days or so which will mean transfer isnt till 5 days later. Theres a huge day at work next Wed which will be sooooooooooo stressful to get out of if transfer is then & knowing my luck it will be...so at this stage im praying for tues or thurs but pls not wed.

My chinese herbalist gave me a very specific type of herb to take for 4 days before i ovulate. As i expected to ovulate around day 15, she told me to start this herb on day 11 & keep it going till 15, then stop & continue with the other till transfer day day 20. She gave me a little less than was needed & told me to make it stretch....so now, that timeline is all wrong & theres not enough herbs to last till i ovulate or transfer day....i could go back & see her & get more but i really cant face it so im going to just do the best i can & if i run out, i run out (but she did say to me..'whatever you do, dont run out'....oh well... you get that).

Theres been a lot going on in my processing space....since Jills decision to adopt, I wrote earlier that I was very confronted by this & needed to look at this & i guess in my own private way, I have started to do that....i don't feel ready at this stage to write about whats come up for me....maybe i will at a later date but I am ready to share one quite huge decision I have made.....

For it to make total sense on a deep level though....I need to go back to another time. My mum was dying. It was about 8 or 9 days before she died. We were intensely, psychically connected in the most profound way & I believed (& still do) we had been connected for lifetimes. I was intensely dealing with the fact she was dying & we were both together processing all there was to process & there was a lot...it was all the emotional work we needed to do to get to the place where she could let go. One night late at home, after spending hours & hours at the hospital, I lay awake, wide awake & had an experience that for me felt like an epiphany, you know those moments of clarity that when you have them, you know they are more than just clarity - they are divine communication, a glimpse with god..something like that....well that night, what i'd realised or learnt was, that a long time ago, my soul & my mothers soul had made a pact - & that pact was that she would bring me into the world & in return I would look after her. And all her life after I was born & all my life I did look after her & now that she was wanting & ready to die, I no longer needed to look after her. That sounds quite simple but the significance was the exact timing. I was only going to be allowed to see that & realise that knowing in the moment when i no longer needed to look after her. Suddenly our pact was made aware to me & it was the surest thing I knew. I cried & cried that night knowing I had only been allowed to know this as she was days away from dying but at the same time it filled me with a warmth & a godliness...there was a plan, a knowing, a deeper bigger picture...i was sure of it.

The next morning I raced early to the hospital & told her my experience & she knew it was right. For her it resonated loudly - the way things do when there is truth. & she said to me "it makes perfect sense, it is true because its funny but even when you were a baby, you have looked after me emotionally & energetically"(she didnt actually use the words energetically but i put it there). In our volatile difficult family life I looked after her totally & absolutely.....anyway....years later....now while I experience this different process, there is a similarity - a clarity, a knowing that has come to me that feels alive in the same way.

When we first started miscarrying & I thought about / feared the possibility of having to be told we'd need an egg donor, I thought about the idea of being an egg donor myself & wished I'd completed my family in my twenties & could now donate my eggs to some couple in our situation....but i also thought about...how easy it is to say 'I would have done it' or 'i would have liked to do it'.....& now I've been thinking of adoption. Among many issues I've faced & will look at & process, one of the big ones for me & the potential child is the fact of having to do it. I imagined a conversation with a little person years from now when they ask me about why I adopted them & I would tell them honestly that I had many miscarriages & couldnt carry a child & we wanted a child so much that we adopted them & then i imagined the little person experienced profound pain...not only were they given up by their biological mother but their adoptive mother didnt really want them either....she would have preferred her own kids.....& that made me think about the 'choice' around it & how we have till now set up a scenario where we will do all we can to have our own children & only if we can't will we then adopt....& then i thought about my desire to give away my eggs had i completed my family & been younger etc & thats when my divine clarity came to me.....my fantasy is this: it is at this stage only a fantasy.... I don't deny it, I would love to have A's children but after we've had 2 of our own, I would love to adopt an international child - not because we have to but because we can for that child - that is my fantasy. It is a choice then, it is a thank you & it so more than that - but the other are harder to articulate.

Obviously, its a day by day process at this stage....who knows where we will find ourselves but somewhere deep inside of me, a commitments been made.

There are significant other issues Im looking at re adoption & Im sure I'll talk about these as I feel more ok to do so but for me now...the important thing is I'm going there...deep inside to look at these issues....I'm not rushing in but putting each toe in slowly...to explore....

And now....flu!!!

2006-08-12T19:06:00.000+09:30

In my current state of stress what i didn't need was flu!!!! but ofcourse when im run down & stressed, it'll visit at the worst times - for me the worst part of flu is the inability to breathe through your nose -i hate it, the rest is soooooo uncomfortable but not being to breathe - awful & because i am about to ovulate within the next 3-5 days i dont want to be using nose drops / spray ...but im sure i will tonite because this is so shitting me. Is anyone else a neurotic friek like that & believes that the chemicals of nose drops will potentialy harm my eggs or possible conception? i wish i didn't think like that because it makes my life harder than it already is right now...

so we stayed in bed till midday, & eventually we headed to a beautiful park nearby which i have visited & loved ever since i was a baby. We took a loaf of organic wholemeal bread to feed the ducks, take away japanese for us & I fed the swans & ducks & baby swans...some ate from the palm of my hand & it was very therapeutic & quite lovely. My mum used to take me there as a young child & I just loved feeding the ducks...& nothings changed. A huge eel even came by underwater (ofcourse) to get fed too..A liked him the most. The swans would glide in right into the palm of my hand & one who wasn't so coordinated hit the wall of the pond & A, the dogs, the swan & I were all in shock.

Last night after work, A & I had our annual tax appointment with our accountant. And of course she is 3 & a half months pregnant & did i mention our neighbour is too????

Then we went to A's parents for our ritual Fri night family dinner & silly me brought up my blog & my sister in law was curious, I told them I didnt want anyone knowing my blog address & that for me it was important i had the anonymity I needed but I still knew she was curious & would look for it. Ive grown up with T, feel very close to her but as we've all touched on....its important to be able to be free when we write.....silly me for bringing my blog up.

I'd like to thank you all who visited my recent entries & soothed me about my inability to find positivity right now as we approach this new cycle....i feel like ive receiveed permission & validation at not being able to muster or find the optimism & positivity. I will do as Ive been advised by you all & take the 'head down & keep busy approach'.....that is, as kath said "the most I can hope for"....ooouuch every nose blow or sneeze really hurts my whole head....

thats it for now, i must head to a bowl of steaming water with menthol to try to unblock my nose..in a last attempt to avoid chemical drops....oh yes by the way, in an attempt to avoid chemicals Ive recently purchased 100% organic skin care range...its quite lovely....& it feels so good to not use chemicals when youre cleaning or moisturising your face -the brand is miessence if any of you are interested.

How do i feel positive again?

2006-08-09T19:44:00.000+09:30

Today I was a little proactive about my confusion & uncertainty with regard to my herbalist. I called my old chinese herbalist, J. It was lovely to talk to her. I could share how I felt & she listened & we had a lovely conversation. She said something that stumped me a little. She told me that if we've committed to a new cycle now & have commenced taking L's herbs, then I should take them, be positive & stick with L for this cycle & not even consider changing till after its over....she said I needed to be positive now & it wasn't going to be good for me to be shopping around now or changing plans now or even thinking about it. I told her I was committed to taking the herbs still this cycle but that I was wondering where to next & she really encouraged me just to think positively for this cycle & that was what stumped me....

How do I think & feel positively after 4 miscarriages? The truth is I don't feel positive, not at all. Im quite low & down & pretty depressed...how can i be positive? Will it not work if Im not feeling positive? Will it never work then because Im never really positive about this now....how could I be?

I don't want to believe that it all comes down to my attitude or emotions now because that would mean its all my fault if it doesnt happen & the truth is.....ive been told by every practitioner (dr & alternative) that they have seen women very negative & worried who get there & others who are positive not get there so - surely positivity is not the be all & end all.....& yes - I am defensive about it because frankly it feels too hard to muster positivity right now, much too hard.

Surely for women who experience multiple miscarriages....this affects their positivity?....
A friend of mine, A has a wonderful quote...."women got pregnant in the holocaust" so if women managed to keep pregnancies in environments of torture & trauma & total genocide surely my flat affect & mood after 4 miscarriages isn't going to kill any chance i do have? or will it?

I called the other place even though J told me not to think about it till after this cycle & I made an appointment for a few weeks. It feels ok to go & see someone else & just see how it feels....in a way it feels more empowering & may slightly welcome some positivity to the equation.....maybe even that's what Im after - fresh eyes, new blood - positivity because the old feels negative....

I want to feel its still possible.
I want to feel it will happen.
I want to feel its not over.

My biopsy is clear. I wish my head was.

2006-08-08T21:34:00.000+09:30

My RE called today. He was pleased my biopsy results were clear. A small minor part of me was pleased too but 'the supposed good news' doesn't feel so good. In a way, I would have preferred if these tests would have found the reason why I keep miscarrying & then we would have been able to treat it & we would be fine...but ofcourse thats not the scoop, its far more uncertain & scary than that.

We've decided to do another frozen cycle this cycle....& I honestly feel awful about it? These cycles don't enthuse or excite me, they fill me with dread & anxiety. Even receiving a positive result has later led to despair...so deciding to do yet another cycle feels scary & awful. I don't feel though I should wait or delay things....if I am in the supposed 'numbers game'....& waiting for the right embryo, then...I cant really afford to wait. I have no idea when or if we'll get there.

There is huge dissonance between my experience & their (the drs) story. To me the road is dark, hopeless & filled with despair. To them we are in a good category & (though they cant guarantee anything) they are sure we'll get there, eventually with clexane.....the hard part is - the chasm between those two accounts is so wide, so huge - that i cant seem to reconcile the two and Im left with "what if theyre wrong & we wont get there"

My fear & the unknown is so debilitating for me. If someone said to me "you'll have a torturous road, just torturous, you'll endure even 6,7 or 8 miscarriages but eventually you will get there" ...I'd be ok ....it is though, the uncertainty & fear that we wont get there that brings me down every time.

So I have rung the clinic & told them I'll be doing a frozen cycle this time. Im dreading it but will try to just get on with it this time-somehow if thats possible.

Tonight my friend called (the friend who is pregnant who hadn't contacted me). She had read my blog & read about my pain & disappointment. I needed to write what i wrote for me. This is, after all, my blog but it would have been pretty awful reading the words I wrote. I didn't know she read my blog. She explained why she hadn't called. She was sensitive to my situation (of course) & the conversation was nice...we are now though, in two separate worlds. We were once in the same world supporting one another to reach the other side. She is now there on the other side. In theory we can of course support one another still but in my reality we can't really - it is too painful for me to hear about & watch her joy & belly grow while I am stuck on this side. In Nikoles blog tonight she wrote that at times she is able to feel joy & no jealousy for other friends who announce their pregnancy but at other times she can't....I too have been able at times to feel peoples joy but lately havent been able to & thats just the way it is right now. For me it doesn't feel so much about jealousy. It feels more about protecting me from the intense pain & reinforcements & reminders of what I have lost & been denied.

The minute you know people (or friends) read your blog, there is an instant filter that the words pass through & i am not totally free to write what i want to write. I knew D read my blog, she has always told me. I didnt know M read it......but at the end of the day-this is my blog, an expression for me & so I will try to retain the freedom & safety I have in being anonymous to write what i want & need to write. If D & M read something they would have preferred not to read - Im apologising now for all future references.

I've been thinking more about my chinese dr & how I feel. I've been taking her herbs & to be honest I don't mind taking her herbs. I do mind going to see her, the totally inconvenient times, I mind her barking at me, I mind her telling me about the many worse cases she has helped, I mind seeing & hearing about other pregnant women.

Part of me would love to throw the whole herbs idea away but it is fear that stops me. "Where will I be without the herbs?' Then again, maybe it isnt just fear...there is a part of me that believes the herbs & acupuncture assist me, particularly the acup...but maybe its time to see someone else. Im worried about that too - the fact that i grab hold of these alternate practitioners, have so much faith in them, believe it will work, do what they say with such conviction ...& then 6 mths later or a yr later....Im over them & wanting to move on....Its been 2 yrs now & I've tried 3 practitioners. .....I've sent an email to the first who i remained on good terms with...asking her for her advice, telling her I am over my chinese herbalist. I think I'll call the second who I am also on good terms with - she was lovely but back then I'd decided to see the harder corer chinese herbalist...but now I miss my chats with J - her gentle way. I wish I could somehow take the faith I project onto these people & put it back in me...but having faith in me & my body after 4 miscarriages is hard.

Theres another place Ive read about & called closer to my work. They have early & late appointments & are open on a Sat.....maybe I should try them....maybe its ok to try different people. As you can see Im confused about this stuff.

Its bed time, thank god for bed time.

Ooops!

2006-08-06T19:11:00.000+09:30

Ooops!
I just reread my most recent post. I had written it in a mad rush. I was wanting to get it out, to vent before I picked A up from a childs party (I didn't bother going) & was racing my post & as you can see there are dozens of typos etc.

Not good enough!

I need to vent

2006-08-05T15:09:00.000+09:30

It's been a hard week, very very busy at work but that is good stress...but apart from that i found out that two friends are pregnant. I got my periods & they are a stranger to me. My appointment at the the chinese herbalist / acupuncturist I found horrendous when i normally find it comforting so my week was filled with different, strange, distressing experiences that left me feeling pretty awful - very low.

First - my friends. One (who i love & know reads this blog) is pregnant & the way I had to hear was hard for me. We've worked it out & it feels fine between us now but it wasn't ideal & it left me feeling low & vulnerable for a few days. Then the other.....far worse. She had undergone her first ivf cycle last mth when i got pregnant & subsequently miscarried. I always had a strong feeling she'd get pregnant immediately on ivf & told her. We'd been supporting eachother by phone & visits very regularly thru this till our 4th miscarriage & then i disconnected from communicating with almost everyone & i told her that & she understood. I knew the exact day she was to find out officially & deep down i knew she was pregnant. I could feel it. I didnt call her & nor did i hear from her. I decided I was not going to think about it but it often popped into my mind. The more time that passed, the more I knew she was pregnant. At the time when it still wasn't confirmed- I did wonder 'what would I have done had the situation been reversed?'. If I knew my friend who had suffered 4 miscarriages was extremely sensitive about this & I had meanwhile become pregnant & we were not really in communication....what would i have done????I know I would have communicated via a sensitive written note / card & placed it in her mailbox - simply & sensitively letting her know that i was pregnant & at the same time i was thinking of her pain & praying for her...something along those lines...

Then yesterday my chinese herbalist did confirm she was pregnant - & i did feel very upset that she hadn't attempted any such sensitive communication. I feel a little let down, alot actually. I know Im ultra sensitive with all this & deeply hurting that im not where they are...buit im also feeling let down.

My periods arrived too - but very different to how they usually arrive. Normally Day1 & 2 are very heavy accompanied by cramps (pretty bad) & then by Day , things are subsiding.....this time Day 1 & day 2 were light, very light & then day 3 - extremely heavy & crampy & its l like that today on day 4....Im not worried but a little wondering what this is about? If anyone else has experienced this -could you pls let me know....is it like this because this is my first period since the miscarriage? or since a biopsy?....i hope its not indicative of something not good.....

Then yesterday morning, off I went for my visit to my chinese herbalist / acupuncturist. This chinese dr is famous in sydney for fertility. Her reputation is terrific for all those women who have very difficult probs....they all seem to eventually carry healthy babies & birth them....I started going to her in Dec. She costs a lot & since Dec Ive spent about $7000 - huge i know & you get a tiny weeny fraction back. I have had enormous faith in her, more than ivf, more than any dr .....but lately the faith has been fading a little, Im finding it a little harder to swallow the herbs but till yesterday i still found her appointments comforting & supportive....I'd hold to her encouraging words & walk out feeling positive once again. Yesterday was altogether different & it wasn't just because I had my friends pregnancy confirmed.

I felt a little tired of it all, not enthusuastic to be there. When i was with her in our consult. I found myself utterly uninterested in her encouraging words. She usually tells you about lots of cases just like yours or harder that with herbs she has helped them get pregnant - & she started the pep talk but this time I interestingly observed i was bored by it, uninterested, didnt want to hear about all these other cases, i just wanted the acupuncture. She created my own concoction of herbs Im to take for the next 2 weeks & again i noticed i was not so keen or into it - the observation was marked - this was different.....what was all this meaning to me? She put the needles in me, left the room & i cried silently wanting this all over. I prayed to god & begged him to listen to me.

20 mins later, she returned, removed the needles & i cant even recall what she was saying...i was out of there already in my mind. I hurried downstairs, paid for all the herbs & ran to my car. I called A & cried.....I was confused. I'd had so much faith in her & now i felt i was feeling over it, over her, a part of me would love to let go of this but another part of me is scared to do so. But something is diffrent & i cant ignore it. If the drs are right & for me it is a numbers game & waiting till i get my chromosomally right embryo - then are the herbs for me worth taking?....we dont have a prob getting pregnant - its keeping it. I think im over her but would like to maybe find a low key acupuncturist who wont charge me the earth & doesnt have the hype she does -im sick of that.

& then there' been the stress of where to now, what now? the plan was - another frozen cycle this month, that means in about two wks, doing another transfer, two more embryos & going thru that stress, anxiety, dread, hope, despair again.....& this time what's different - - i have HUGE commitments at that very time with the new job that are so important & cant be shifted....the stress to somehow find a way of being able to disappear for a day to do the transfer feels hard.....but to put work before this feels wrong....given i dont know how long this whole thing will take....& even if we'll get there -means we cant afford to waste time....but this month will be such a stress.

So that has been my week.

Awful huh?

The biospy that wasn't meant to hurt

2006-07-29T18:43:00.000+09:30

I was dreading the biospy. I wasn't sure whether it would be ok or whether it would really hurt...I'd heard both extremes. I raced around at work all morning & raced to the day surgery, got there late & A was waiting for me with a yummy sandwich. We were sent sraight in. RE advised me that usually he doesnt give any of his patients pain relief prior to the biospy but because it was me, would give me some fentinel. I felt a little bad...he obviously believes im a wimp & have a very low threshold...on the other hand, i thought who cares what he thinks...at least i get pain relief.
Next i knew I was in the chair, legs in stirrups, feeling quite out of it - thank god for fentinel. he explained this would take 5 mins...not so.....my cervix was very tight & wouldn't allow the catheter through. For the next 30mins, he tried & tried to dilate my cervix & squeeze the catheter thru - it hurt, it hurt a lot.....i felt violated, awful & began to cry....why is everything so hard for us?....why is it never as it is supposed to be? A was there by my side. A nurse was giving our RE all the weird instruments he was asking for & i swear to you one of them looked like a 17th century archaic instrument that would render me without a cervix altogether.....RE kept apologising that it is not supposed to hurt so much but my cervix was tight & my retroverted uterus made it hard for RE to see where / how to progress through.
I wasn't suprised my cervix wouldnt allow the catheter through...i thought my cervix was protesting...of course it would....it doesnt want this intervention....RE started saying he didnt want to keep trying as it was causing me too much pain & he would give it one more go & if it didnt go through I'd have to go back Mon for a general anaesthetic.....I so didn't want to endure that...I closed my eyes & prayed so hard to my mum to help me & on that attempt he got it through. I don't know if it was mum - but i sure want to believe it was.

Then the actual cutting of my endometrium was ok -a sharp, painful cut but so quick it was fine....it had been the cervix widening battle that was so awful. He wheeled me into recovery & I felt drained & violated & just awful. I cried to A - I was fed up.

That was the final investigative miscarriage test i had to have. They're all over.

Thank God.

While I was sitting in recovery...my miscarriage management nurse came down to chat. She's lovely & I'm glad I've connected with her. Yet again I asked her the same old questions I've asked her so many times;
"So out of all your miscarriage patients, do most end up carrying to term?"
"Even the bad ones like me-do they?"
"Do you still think we'll be ok"

And once again my patient nurse explained to me that clexane was a wonder drug & it seems to be an immune modulator & that seems to be all that is needed as long as we get the chromosomally normal embryo. She went on to explain that she has had miscarring patients who have had 2,3, 4 - even up to 11 miscarriages & they have all carried to term....with clexane & with good chromosomes....

i get stumped at that point as we've already had one pregnancy with clexane & still miscarried but at that point she repeatedly jumps in with - its unfortunately a numbers game....you will get there....when we get the right chromosomes....with clexane you'll be right....

This time i seemed to hear it in a different way. The negative, fearful filter of ''It wont happen to me, theres something wrong" wasn't as loud as usual. I really want to believe what she said, what they all say, the RE's too. I think if i truly believe it will happen then it may....but Im very scared to believe it will happen, on one crazy level its easier to actually believe i'll keep miscarrying....

In a way, now that we've finished all the tests & now that im invested in a job Im happy in, maybe i can relax more & just keep trying & when we get there, we get there. I know though, any more miscarriages will bring the same (in fact more) trauma all over again.

But for now Im going to try & be more trusting & positive & believe we will get there.

A Yukky Day

2006-07-26T21:11:00.000+09:30

What a few days....draining, exhausting, full on. I've been writing how these recurring losses have seemed to bind A & I closely together but in the last week, we've had those awful days where our conversation disconnects & the closeness recedes to a far place....& it hasn't been lovely.

Then my father announces he has been having severe chest pain & has had a test come back that his cardiologist wasn't happy with & was needing to go into hospital for an angiogram & potentially an angioplasty today, quickly, all of a sudden.....

I have had a very difficult relationship with my father my entire life. But he is still my father & i do love him. The thought of him going into hospital for this procedure (though i knew it is generally low key these days) still moved me, scared me....I've lost my mum & the thought of losing my dad is awful - hes all ive got as far as my nuclear family goes.

Then the next day, Dad & I had a terrible fight. I called his dr to ask about his cardiac situation & my father was furious that i'd interfered. He wasn't grateful I was concerned. He was furious I'd interfered. I was angry, upset & my whole 37 yrs of conflict with him came up & made me angry & say things that only an awful daughter would say.

That evening he called & apologised & yet again, i was there caring for him - he is my only father, my only parent.

& today he went into hospital. It was a strange day. I was in a way sad I wasn't there with him in pre-op as I had been always for my mother but we are not as close. He did not want me to be there with him. In another way, it was very ok I wasn't there with him.

& my afternoon at work was the worst yet, a very yukky political afternoon that has left me very uncomfortable. I have to deal with this tomorrow but it shook me & left me feeling insecure & not ok.

& then i returned home & A & I had an argument, one that had been coming all week.

& then i went off to the hospital to meet my dad in recovery, of course they wouldn't let me see him in recovery & i had to wait in coronary care for him ...& wait....& wait....

& he is ok. he is more tender than usual, more vulnerable. I feed him & attend to his needs & communicate on his behalf to the nurse. He is a charming patient but high maintenance. He was not allowed to mobilise but didnt want to use the bottle for doing a wee...he explained to the nurse he was scared of catching hiv...he is an intelligent worldly man, but paranoid, untrusting & stubborn. He finally got it & realised he was not going to be allowed to mobilise & so he eventually pee'd in a bottle.

He was starving but wanted dessert. They brought him what was left in the kitchen.

The nurse asked him a load of questions including ones about whether he was coping at home. he said 'only so-so'.

I was sad the whole time I was there.

It was agony watching my beloved mum become sick, sicker & let go & now my dad starts his decline & though we have endured huge struggles - he is my father, my difficult father. He is 84.

I am tired, haven't been sleeping, am drained & want it all to go away....i wish A & I were close & connected. I wish i could sleep. I wish this month of testing was over. I wish dad was well. I wish my mum was alive. I wish i wasnt a miscarrier. I wish i didnt have to had blood taken at 7am tomorrow, I wish i didnt have to have an endometrial biopsy on fri.

Yes, today was a yukky day.

I survived.....well almost

2006-07-23T19:37:00.000+09:30

Well to those of you who commented on my last entry-you were right. My social evening was quite lovely. It may sound strange but at the moment, in this current state im in or we're in, Im actually more comfortable connecting with my boyfriends than girlfriends. It feels so cruel to write such a sentence as my close girlfriends are so supportive, loyal, loving etc but women are more switched on to the details, to our bodies, to our bio clocks, .....when im with my women friends i feel a different type of pressure (not in anyway intended by them, in fact its my stuff, i acknowledge & own). They ask the questions; where is your cycle up to? what are the tests showing? whats next?....because the women understand my acute pain - in a way, its harder to be around them-they get it, most of them are mothers & my pain & loss are all somehow reinforced. Whereas when im out or connecting to the boys...its very different. They are more than happy to hear or talk about it but arent so forthcoming with questions. They might simply ask..'hows it all going?' which means i can say a little, a lot or nothing at all. To them, they are not so actuely into the whole parenting in, they have other interests, jobs, renovations, trips overseas etc so it is easy to talk about other things. I am genuine with them, but it is a little more cerebral than a total heartspeak. In fact, with some of my very close girlfriends, we never talk work, or very rarely....we talk pregnancies, r'ships, the inner world stuff...all heartspeak

So last night we (A & I) were out with 3 close male friends, R who just moved into his gorgeous new pad, & an adorable gay couple C & D. C is a very close friend of mine & we love D too, his partner. So the evening was lovely & though we touched on miscarriages & ivf etc...conversation was not on my acute inner pain...so it was ok. I headed out hoping & knowing I would be far away from any women who would talk about their pregnancies or children or anything like that. I felt a little more safe & secure...but even when im out with all men - there was one moment when i was unprepared & came ridiculously close to bursting out into tears. Our lovely dinner was over, we were ordering desserts & teas etc & i was asking the waitress whether she had any herbal, caffeine free teas (not at all to do with fertility, though i don't drink caffeine except in organic green tea, but more because i knew i'd be trying to sleep soon & caffeine would keep me awake)...anyway, all of a sudden she announced that they did have peppermint tea but even peppermint tea has traces of caffeine in it because when she was pregnant, she was told not to consume it. I know this tiny incident probably sounds so minor & insignificant to most of you but all of a sudden i felt like the temperature within my body was rising rapidly & i was about to burst into tears. My safe, secure bubble had burst, even out in inner city on a Sat night with 4 men - i had to hear about a woman who was pregnant & couldnt drink peppermint tea.

It was crazy, i can walk past pregnant women & hold it together but for some reason it just really affected me - it was as if...im not safe from this anywhere. I tried my hardest to hold it together, smiled at A & R, who immediately felt & knew i had a strong reaction & breathed deeply till i was ok. C & D didn't notice it -thank god. I think it would have been too hard to hold back the tears if all four had known & recognised my pain.

Apart from that incident - i had a lovely night. R's new nest is so nice, warm & suits him so much. Pre dinner drinks there were lovely & then dinner was great, the conversation, meal etc. I did drink quite a bit & thought how different my behaviour was from the usual deprivation. The conversation was interesting -our work, renovations, trips overseas, family, etc & as i said -yes we did touch on miscarriages but it was in a tongue in cheek, unemotional kind of way - the only way i could discuss it.

On the change in behaviour - ive observed an interesting shift. When we started trying for a baby, i gave up everything even remotely unsavoury. I read on a website green tea was potentially harmful so even my favourite green tea was gone from our pantry. Then i endured another 3 miscarriages without any green tea & so i figured, my first miscarriage was not caused by green tea. Lately ive been thinking about a heroic friend M. I've written about her before -she started ivf at 37, had her first child at 43 & second at 45. She lost count of how many miscarriages she had, had over 27 cycles, sold their house to afford it all, etc. She also told me that at the begginning she too was eating only organics etc, no alcohol, no crap, etc.....with each miscarriage she tended to loosen up a little as she realised they obviously were not being caused by her diet...so she started to relax, eat crap & stopped the expensive herbs, diet etc...& when she finally conceived her two boys - she told me, she'd never eaten so badly, .....when she told me this story....though i knew i wasn't quite there yet, it resonated with me & I am starting to understand & adopt some of her practices. For the first 4 miscarriages -i only ate organics, no alcohol whatsover, no green tea, no nothing -so this month i noticed i simply felt like & allowed the odd glass of wine, have had at least one or two green tea a day & am just starting to relax with all of that. Ofcourse im still being conscious of many other things ive been warned about like soy milk etc but it'll be interesting to observe how this pattern continues .....

Sadness descends yet again

2006-07-22T16:42:00.000+09:30

Well it seems like the vulnerability & sadness that came up for me last night remains today, im feeling sad & low today, i feel as though the sadness is descending once again & there isn't any room for anything else. A few times i've thought of her (the blogger I wrote about yesterday) & i cannot even imagine her joy spending these first few days getting to know her very own baby. That joy feels so far from me, it feels so unattainable right now.

I slept in today, walked the boys & then caught up with one of my closest friends. While it is good & comforting to see close friends, i am also finding it so hard & it takes a lot of energy & effort. It was good though. She is supportive & comforting & understands my need not to be talking about it. It was a lot easier to be talking about her world & the distraction was good.

Tonight we're off to another close friend to see his new pad & then 5 of us are having dinner together. I will be with very close loyal friends who understand my world & pain but even still it feels so hard - i havent been that social in a long time. Im no good at it anymore. I will go but there's a huge part of me that is dreading it.

It feels too hard when there is so much vulnerability & sadness around me to be social & out in the world. Im much more comfortable remaining in my bomb shelter.

Bereft

2006-07-21T17:57:00.000+09:30

When we were considering ivf last year after two natural conceptions & miscarriages, a friend of mine told me to visit a blog. It was the blog of a friend of hers who was struggling with infertility. It was in fact the first blog i ever read & it introduced me to blogland. Very shortly after that, we both went through an ivf cycle. For me it was my first, for her a frozen cycle but from her first stimulated cycle. She got pregnant with twins, lost one but continued to carry till Tues when she gave birth to her baby.

Im so happy for her. Of course I am. She had a hard & long struggle of her own, a very hard time & arrived at her dream destination but I would be lying if i said it didnt affect me. I cried when i read her latest entry announcing the birth of her child. I was sad, jealous, afraid, angry, bereft, grief stricken, ...the usual full range of emotions i face when my own loss'es, despair & pain are reinforced and triggered by the pregnancies & births of others.

Since then i again miscarried in march & she continued to carry.

Then again i miscarried in June & she continued to carry.

I know it is not helpful to compare me to anyone else. I know i must accept my reproductive lot but tonight i am so upset.

Back from our escape, back to the grind....

2006-07-17T21:52:00.000+09:30

Our weekend away was lovely but far too short. It rained most of the time so it was a cosy indoors weekend with a fire & spa. It was nice to have a w'end without the computer or tv, we just lay infront of the fire on the couch & rug drinking wine, roasting marshmellows & connecting.....twas lovely. We had time to really talk about stuff we'd hung on to or just kept inside till we had some time. Some of the things I communicated to A i hadn't realised I'd felt or thought.....it was one of those weekends....having the time to think, connect & share.
Our cottage was in the middle of a forest & the boys loved adventuring in the unknowns. They were so curious. Part of me loved their freedom & sense of adventure while another part was terrified they'd be bitten by snakes. A told me it was snake territory & from his country veterinary days he knew that only 50% of dogs bitten by snakes make it ....i was worried. They'd be exploring in bush & suddenly hear an unfamiliar rustle & run as fast as they could back to us with their tales under their bums....we've raised true city dogs.

We both were back to the grind today. I was grateful at least I was returning to a job I enjoyed but for the next 3 nights A is doing nights so we coexist like ships in the night for the next 3 nights & don't really see eachother till Thurs nite. I miss him.

I am grateful we are so connected & loving. Despite the trauma we are experiencing & living through, we have somehow managed to retain our connectedness & togetherness in a deeply solid way. I know this process is hard for couples but for us, while its been challenging it has also bound us closer to eachother & for that im grateful. The flip side of that i think is....while its bound us closer to eachother, its distanced us from others....i do feel more distant than i ever have from my closest friends. Im normally quite a communicative person who enjoys a good rave on the phone with friends. Over the last few years, ive definitely been less social but still enjoyed connecting with friends & since this last miscarriage it seems i cant even manage that. It feels as tho' this whole experience is so personal & difficult that it requires the conserving of energy & huddling together of A & i & unfortunately at the cost of maintaining good communication with my close friends. I know they get it & i know its ok but it does feel like Im quite distanced from them & their lives right now.

My RE consulted with a thyroid specialist about my thyroid results & called me today. Both drs arent worried at all since my thyroxin was totally smack bang in the middle of normal but given i had low level antibodies, they still think its important i retest them in 3 mths. It felt a tad worrying but im choosing to let it go for now (coz really what else am i to do?)...they tell you its normal & nothings wrong at all but then they tell you to retest in 3 mths....in other words....there is something going on but we dont know what it is but you do have antibodies but your thyroxin is normal but we dont know what were talking abt & we need to be covering our arse just in case so just retest in 3 mths....i know that sounds very cynical, bitter & untrusting but i do tend to decipher dr speak in that way now.....unfortunately.

Our RE tried to dissuade me from thinking about PGD. From his point of view, it would be very possible to discard good embryos due to a technical flaw in the process so he doesnt really like the idea. Apparently, a coloured type of substance needs to stick to the chromosomes in order for them to be tested & if, for whatever technical reason, the glue doesnt / cant attach to a chromosome, then that embryo is discarded when, according to my RE, it could be a fine embryo. I told A who felt he agreed with RE. The cost though, of not doing PGD is perhaps more unnecessary miscarriages as I get pregnant with embryos that cant survive.

& when i think about that - as strange as it sounds, i feel as though there are two versions of me experiencing this. There is a tough, quite stoic, quite resilient me who recognises RE is probably right & its probably worth just implanting the embryos we do make & riding the wave of miscarriages till we get to that chromosomally normal embryo & though it is torturous, i can handle the process. Then there's another version of me, a far more vulnerable me who feels i cant bare any more of this trauma & who therefore would like PGD if it in any way prevents unncessary traumas.

I think the distinction is time. When im right in it, awaiting bleeding after a miscarriage or knowing im going to lose it when im still effectively pregnant - im the most vulnerable. When im slightly removed from the acuity of it like now when im 2 & a half wks away from the first bleeding days of clots & miscarrying....im a tad more resilient.

This w'end I finished Coming to Term. Im very grateful to Nikole for suggesting it. It was reassuring. It recounts all the possible treatments for miscarriage & for most of them, proves them invalid. It explains that most women my age who keep miscarrying will eventually carry a healthy child to term even if it is after 5, 8 or 10 miscarriages. It explains that despite all the women thinking its them, in 90% of cases it is the embryo & so it is, at the end of the day, a numbers game. I dont know why i (& my peer bloggers) are the ones who are forced to play this numbers game & others (most of my friends) dont seem to have the dodgy embryos that cause recurring miscarriage but the fact is - i am here. The book has helped me try to come to terms with my reproductive fate. If this is my lot & im surviving it & eventually we get there then - thats just the way it is for us. (dont get me wrong i hate that this is happening but every now & then i do get a glimpse of acceptance & faith we will get there too in our own time).....at other times im still angry & loathsome that this is happening.

& as I write this tonight I can feel my right ovary sore & stretching as it prepares to release my egg this cycle. I am ovulating much later than usual this cycle but apparenlty after a miscarriage, thats normal.

There was a time when i didnt recognise this feeling. There was a time when i had never experienced even one miscarriage. The thought of even one was my worst nightmare. I dreaded ever having to have a D&C. I think this is how resilience develops & grows...when there are things we fear & dread & then we survive them, only to face more pain that we never ever knew was possible.....& then we even survive that...& it goes on....& on.

Today I went in again for more blood. One tube only - delightful. I think I only have to have 3 more tests till the biopsy. Im not looking forward to that test.

The local pathologist knows me now, smiles at me differently, with familiarity & maybe even empathy. I told her Ive had 4 miscarriages. She is a sweet young woman who is professional & well meaning. If I have to go have bloods at 7.20am, then at least im going to someone easy to be with.

There are other thoughts, feelings & insights that came to me this w'end that i'd like to share but I guess they'll find their way to these pages in their own time. Im really tired now & my sleep is a precious thing.

Those were the days

2006-07-13T21:41:00.000+09:30

Just a quick note...Im exhausted & want to collapse into bed with Coming to Term. I headed to the path lab this am, got there at 7.15am so I could definitely be first when they open at 7.30 & I was. The pathologist turned up at 7.25 & it took her 40 mins to determine exactly which tubes to collect all this blood for these remote tests she'd clearly never had to collect before. I felt like a friek. I wasnt there for blood sugar or usual standard blood investigations, I was there f0r remote, friek, miscarriage unknown crazy stuff.

She had to fax the request thru to her advisors who still didnt know & had to check with their advisors & finally after 8am we could start. By this time her waiting room was full of poor fasting patients who turn up early for their blood as they are fasting. They didnt know there would be some miscarriage freak patient accosting the pathologist & holding her up all morning.

She started by preparing 15, yes 15 tubes & my usual right arm was over it at 9 tubes. My blood dried up & she swapped arms & my left arm filled another 6 tubes. I put up with it. She was at least polite & lovely but I hated it & wanted it over. Thats why I had to go today after only receiving this referral yesterday arvo. I needed it gone from my to do list, I needed it over.

My miscarriage management nurse called me this arvo. 'Can I pls go back Mon am for one more blood test , only 3 hormones, 1 tube' she promised & then 7 days later & then 3 days after that & thats it for blood tests for the month. Then on Day 26 - the endomtrial biopsy......

Im so sick of it. I told A tonite I cant handle this anymore. I want us never to discuss we are trying to have a baby. We are to just continue & bare these experiences & live our life (all be it in our bomb shelter) & no longer actually describe any of it in terms of 'trying to have a baby'. The very term has become synonymous with pressure, dread, trauma, stress, deprivation, torture etc. Of course we both know we are still trying but even discussing it with A fills the dialogue with anxiety. Lets just get on with it.

I am working from home tomorrow, cramming lots of work in & then heading away with the boys for a w'end away. I know it will fly past but I am so looking forward to our log fire & spa & blissing out. This is our escape w'end from all the recent trauma so I intend to leave our trauma here in our bomb shelter & try to enjoy this w'end like we used to before we began to encounter this miscarriage trauma, when we had innocence, before we even knew we were miscarriers.....those were the days!

The second opinion day

2006-07-12T20:09:00.000+09:30

What a day! My day started with a scare. When i arrived at work, a nurse had been assaulted walking from her car to the campus, a very short distance. I was then told this assault was the 4th assault in the last few weeks & there had been a series of muggings & assaults around the home. I didnt like hearing this at all. I leave & walk to my car when it is dark after work. I became quite afraid. These stories & happenings, I find, send my anxiety levels thru the roof (just what i need, not!), so that threw me & I suddenly felt that awful feeling of not feeling safe in the world, which ive experienced on & off over the last few yrs due to different experiences; a client assaulting me, a prowler in my house, a robbery etc....

Then my RE (my usual RE, as opposed to the second opinion RE we were seeing this arvo) called me this am to tell me some of my blood tests were back & i had an unusual result - low level thyroid antiboides, a normal thyroxin but a suppressed TSH & this was leaning towards hyperthyroidism. He didnt think this was a huge worry or directly causing my miscarriages but he said it could be connected so he told me he wanted to talk to a thyroid specialist & maybe i should see one. He knew we were seeing our second opinion RE this arvo so told me to talk about it with her. I sunk into my dark hole, thinking all the worst thoughts;
'finally they found something,
this is why ive been miscarrying, i knew it
i need to work this up,
what does this mean?'
I locked myself in an office & searched the net...& found conflicting advice as usual. Half the sites seemed to think that thyroid antibodies & recurring miscarriages are linked & i should take thyroid treatment etc, they even inferred that with thyroid issues, i would keep miscarrying. The other half said there was inconclusive findings on whether they are a concern...one site said "low level antibodies are the thyroid on the way to autimmune failure, not there yet but on the way"....just what i needed...more anxiety....& more....i rang A who didn't join me down my dark hole. A has a science background with a medical head on his logical shoulders so almost always applies the 'im a scientist, it must be a randomised, doubled blind placebo study before im convinced of anything' outlook & chose the 'wait & see' approach but did seem worried that i have antibodies. To be honest - i had no idea what it meant at all but knew one thing for sure - this was the first test where something other than 'normal' came back so my instinct was to grab hold of it & cling to it as the cause of my miscarriages & since the literature was agreeing with me (well half of it), i thought, theres gotta be something in this.

My RE also told me my cholesterol was way too high. It was 6.9 & should be below 5.4. He told me I had to start eating no / low saturated fats. I tried to explain to him that in fact before my miscarriages started I was a health friek, eating so strictly etc but since my miscarriages began, my eatings been out-of-control & the comfort food quick fix has been my crutch. He didnt comment. Its so unnnerving when so often he doesnt say anything on the end of the phone....youre left thinking hes disinterested, disapproving, who knows, i wish he'd comment.
I remained highly anxious. We were meeting our second opinion at 3.

On the way in the car to my appointment, my very close friend R called. His great uncle had a terrible stroke & was left lying in his house on the floor for up to 24 hrs alone ....terrible....R was very upset, they were close. He had been like a grandfather to R. Anxiety, stress, fear & tragedy...what else was going to go wrong today?????

I met A at our appointment. We didnt have to wait more than 2 mins - reassuring sign.
She was lovely, validating, human & all up - i think it was a great appointment....i think...The summary:

Of all of her recurring miscarriage clients -50% are unexplained -we are in that grp, most of those women still carry to term. According to her-we are in a 'good odds' group. Weird i know-dont ask me what bad odds is...oh thats right, bad odds is those couples who have reasons found that are bad -like translocation problems for instance. The fact ive had 4 pregnancies, is according to her - good odds for carrying to term - it tells her my body does get pregnant & implant quite easily. She actually said maybe my body isnt that good at filtering out the embryos with bad chromosomes ie: im getting pregnant too often as opposed to being more selective & only getting pregnant when the chromosomes are good. I told her what i truly believed-that my eggs are good, my embryos are good etc but she said - in almost all miscarriages -its the embryos -either the chromosomes, the genes or the mitochondria ie: the energy within the embryo. So she thinks what may be happening is -im getting pregnant because the placenta part of the embryo is happily implanting but perhaps the baby part of the embryo isnt continuing. She went thru all our history, our tests, & said we can redo some tests & order some remote new ones but our usual RE has done almost all. She understood my need to stop having miscarriages & research my situation & validated all ive done. She commended my level of research at one stage which felt good actually. Our usual RE gets the shits when im questioning him about all ive researched but she didnt. I asked about a myriad of treatments Id read about & she went thru each one & explained that they were a furfy or had been ruled out by the FDA or told me about the studies where they had actually been disproven or blah blah blah.....i did feel though, heard & understood. She suggested we think about PGD - pre genetic diagnoses. Its expensive but she explained since i make quite a good no of embryos, it would be worth considering doing a biopsy & testing their chromosomes. they can only test 7 out of 23 chromosomes but they are the most common chromosomal probs. then we would only implant the good embryos. at least we would know the embryos are probably chromosomally good. maybe this would reduce unnecessary miscarriages. though im leaning towards doing it (anythings better than more miscarriages) im scared about doing it too as...what happens if i keep miscarrying? then, is it me?
& we've already got 5 embryos in the freezer - that havent been pgd'ed.

She did say what our RE has said...that the pattern i most follow so far...is a recurrying miscarrier who is started on clexane & perhaps has a few more but then carries to term.....so i suppose i should be feeling positive & optimistic...but its so hard to buy that....its not that i have a vested interest in being negative but honestly after 4 miscarriages...when youve done all you could, herbs etc, diet etc...& youre not that old yet....then, i cant buy her optimism -i feel my doom & fear still. the only pattern i know is, we keep miscarrying - that is all i know. its easier to believe that the drs dont know everything about miscarriage yet & clearly they cant work out why i keep miscarrying & its obvously something they cant test for yet.

All in all, our usual RE didnt say anything different to what new RE said today but their styles are different; shes a woman for starters, she stylistically didnt mind the banter of interruptions & my many questions, she didnt mind my research with dr google & my neuroticsm & anxiety. she didnt mind the tearyness & the swearing. she wasnt silent on the other end.

After we left A & I talked about whether we shoulds tay with our old RE & we decided too for now. He has done the (almost always) right thing by us. He has the highest success rate there. & in a way now i have the best of both worlds. New RE said i can email or call her whenever i want to ask her anything which i cant do to old RE...so for now i think we stick with him but access her when the need arises.

She also said she cant see any reason why we wont get pregnant naturally. We werent going to try this month as were doing the endometiral biopsy but she said we can & we'l just do a preg test before the biopsy. I feel quite strange about trying naturally again....for starters this month ive been eating trash & not chinese herbing properly & not taking everything i normally take to assist the process....but A seems to think all the more reason to try naturally. ....& were going away so it will be a nice relaxedintimate w'end at least....anyway..we'll see.....

So, it was good i guess...or rather, it wasnt bad....who knows.....she doesnt know whats ahead, no one does, but for now i guess we are still on this course of trying to get pregnant & maintain it...& so we keep huddled in our bomb shelter & we lay low & conserve energy in anticpation for the next trauma or anxiety.....

two more sleeps & we head off to the blue mountains for the w'end...i know our escape will come & go so fast but i cant wait.

It's a cruel world

2006-07-10T19:47:00.000+09:30

A new suite of tests began today & they were all just plain awful!. This morning I had to be at the path lab by 7.30, 6 tubes of blood were taken from my poor veins. As I was driving there, I was angry. I am sick of these tests, I am sick of being pricked in the arm, I am sick of the intervention & medicalisation of all of this. Part of this testing was ovulation tracking, necessary to know when to do the endometrial biopsy & the other tests were more of the same, testing for possible miscarriage reasons. As usual Im not expecting anything interesting other than the usual 'all is normal'. Then I left work early, met A & off we went for this wiz bang , hi tech, 4 dimensional ultrasound where they inserted saline into me & then looked around for fibroids, polyps, septums or other strange happenings in my uterus or tubes.

THIS WAS HORRIBLE. Late last week, I was contacted & asked whether we could make it an hour earlier at 2.45 instead of 3.45. We juggled our lives around to fit in & guess what time we were finally taken inside, yep you guessed it - 3.45.
But the trauma experienced in that hour of waiting was pure torture. Couples came & went. They were happy, excited couples awaiting their 12 or 20 week ultrasound. They were so nieve yet protected, it seemed from the traumas that can horror you on those ultrasound days. They met there from their respective jobs, waited patiently for a few moments only & 20 mins later, walked out joyously, proudly carrying their first photos of their child in utero. They were ooh'ing & aah'ing over their photos & sharing their excitement. One couple who were really excited had just discovered they were having a boy & were thrilled. I found this unbearable & to be honest, I hated each one of them & their joy. The assistant sonographer came & explained to us why we were left waiting. She said 'the baby before you for the ultrasound of 20 wks is misbehaving so the ultrasound is taking longer' I felt like punching her in the face. Did it dawn on her that maybe a cute remark about a 20 wk old fetus misbehaving wasn't so sensitive? Why didn't any of these couples today experience the pain of finding no heartbeat as we have done & so many of you have done. I know this sounds so cruel, bitter & callous of me...but it is a true account of how terrible I felt today. I wandered whether we would ever experience an ultrasound without trauma? It felt as if maybe we wouldn't. I wandered why the clinic cant be more sensitive to the many women who are struggling? Why cant there be two waiting rooms, one for the healthy (supposedly) normal ultrasounds & the other for the women experiencing diagnostic ultrasounds who are struggling?
I remember learning something very important the year my mum died. I remember learning that when someone is acutely sensitive about their world & going through an extremely sensitive time due to acute grief or loss or pain ...then, at that time from their eyes the whole world seems cruel & insensitive. ....& to the other people who aren't experiencing the sensitivity - they just don't get it. I remember learning this, feeling this on such a deep internal level after she died & it is with the same level of sensitivity now that i am finding the world so cruel.
And then the sonographer & doctor told me it would be unpleasant but just like a pap smear. That was a lie, a total lie. In a papsmear, you dont have a thin pipe inserted through your cervix, you dont have saline solution pummelled into you - why cant they be honest & respectful about what will happen?
The dr, at least was decent & I felt so grateful. Isn't it a shame though, that when a dr is decent - it's like a miracle or rare event?
The procedure itself wasn't so bad. It hurt & was crampy but wasn't too bad -the emotions around it were worse. And of course he didnt find anything except that my uterus is retroverted so it was harder for him to see. He did query pcos as it seemed there were many follicle remains around my ovaries - but A quickly jumped in & reminded him I was stimulated only last month & this was probably the remains of an egg pick up.
& that was it - the familiar experience of feeling drained & fed up & angry & over it & traumatised were right back with me. We left in separate cars. A had to go to work & I home. All the way home I felt as though I just wanted to sob, but it never came. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs but that didnt happen either.

I am so sick of the tests, needles, ultrasounds, things up my vagina, the cramps, the pains, the insensitive clinics, the brutal staff, the waiting, the expenses, and the trauma.

Thinking about the unthinkable

2006-07-09T21:05:00.000+09:30

When i was 30 i visited a local sperm bank. At the time I was single, A & I were on an 'off period' as opposed to an 'on period' & the thought of one day wanting to be a mother was very much in my psyche. I took myself off bravely to see what it was all about. I wasn't at all ready to be registered with an anonymous donor, not at all but it was just something I felt I wanted to begin to prepare myself with, just in case I needed to do it alone one day. At the time it was still quite a few years away but I knew I wanted a child & realistically, I didnt know whether id be in a partnership one day & did not want to miss out on something so sacred to me just because I was single....so off I went....it was a wild experience with a myriad of emotions soaring through me all at the same time. The social worker I met with decided I may as well be put through the assessment process so off she went asking me quite confronting questions. Within moments I was in tears, explaining to her this was not what i had imagined i would ever be doing.....we actually had a very engaging, honest interaction & then it was time to go. I explained to her I wasn't ready as yet but needed to 'go there' physically & emotionally explore it, see the anonymous donor cards I would one day possibly choose from, suss out the clinic, find out about the tests & treatment & somehow be prepared. I left the clinic feeling a combination of empowered but very sad.....but i did feel a tad prepared for the 'one day'. During that visit I received a lot of important info & I stored it all in a filing cabinet in my mind for the one day when i would possibly need to retrieve it.

A works very differently to me. He's certainly brave & prepared to explore the unknown but only when he feels it necessary. Throughout this whole process, when my fear & anxiety have dragged me miles ahead of where I need to be, he has frustratingly begged me 'not to go there till we need to'.

For me it is a self protective mechanism that kicks into place. The more frightening or abhorrent an idea is, the more I need to confront it, deal with my issues around it & process it ahead of time so in case I need to ever arrive at that most frightening point, i'm somewhat prepared.

And so last night, I googled 'adoption'. Since Jills decision had been so confronting for me, I knew my fear & resistance to this whole adoption idea was huge. The very fact it was so big & felt so insurmountable made me want to 'go there' & start to explore my fear & resistance. Like my visiting the sperm bank, we are still miles away from the adoption decision but maybe i should start to open myself up to the possibility. Maybe exploring adoption & my fears around it & why it feels so insurmountable to me is a good idea in case we do need to one day make that decision.

It was hard to do. It wasnt an easy read. I didnt research it for long. I found a few websites where local & intercountry adoption are organised & skimmed through the available info. And while I was reading this information, a million questions were racing through my mind....I wont go into them all now, they feel a little raw & I need to process it all a little more before I get it out of my head here in blogland but i guess in a strange way it was kinda helpful. It did assist me in starting to separate out the many issues that exist for me around adoption.

Then late last night after my preliminary initial search, I spoke to a close friend all about it. R was supportive & encouraging & together we unpacked some of my issues & questions all about it. He kept repeating 'were not there yet, not for a long time, we've only just done our second stimulated cycle....in ivf timelines its still early days'. I was so glad. I dont know what lies ahead for us but we may need to confront all of this one day & maybe I should keep acquainting myself with it in preparation for that possible 'one day'.

Today I told A I'd looked into it. It was hard to talk about it with him. Discussing it with R last night was more cerebral, it was still honest & real but there was a somewhat intellectual tone to our discussions but with A today, I was teary as I recounted to him what i'd discovered & read. It was more confronting as together we were kinda 'going there'. I was aware it was all new & my initial reactions were just that - reactions. I thought A would get a little upset with me as once again, I was miles ahead of where we right now, needed to be, but he didnt. I was grateful. I told him that from application to actually receiving a child - the wait can be approx 2 yrs & he wandered whether we should register our interest. I told him I knew that they (the adoption agencies) insist that you have completed all your fertility treatments prior to registering with them. I also recounted to him a story of a woman I know, an old friend from my previous job, who applied to adopt & meanwhile kept up with her ivf treatments & then one day all of a sudden received a call from the agency that a baby boy was ready for her to adopt. Then & there she quit ivf & was thrilled. I told A that I'm not quite ready to register or apply for adoption just yet. Neither is he.

.....And I think i'll retreat into the bomb shelter

2006-07-07T21:13:00.000+09:30

Yesterday morning on my way to work, i happened to look at the car to my left, or actually i looked into the car & instantly in the back seat i noticed a childs special capsule seat & a hanging toy from the car roof supposedly to entertain the baby or toddler (note; i dont even know what the right name is for the seat)....anyway....instantly my losses & pain flooded into the forefront of my mind. Perhaps I'd been distracted by appointments of the day but not anymore. Each & every time I see a childs car seat or baby capsule in a nearby car, intense loss mixed in with yearning & unbelievable pain is triggered & floods through every part of me. Instantly I thought of Jill & how at the meeting with the funeral director she had been referred to as a mother & the two events were connected. The pain I feel with every witnessed baby capsule is the pain of never been called a mother, never experiencing the name, the joy, the title, the role, the experience. And whether its a baby capsule or a pregnant woman or a mother walking with a pram or any other slight reminder of the fact -i havent been able to become a mother, I havent been able to successfully carry to term, i havent had a 12 week pregnancy, I havent fulfilled this lifelong significant dream....suddenly im there in the whirlpool of darkness.

Later in the day the new members of staff were taken on a tour of the holocaust museum. I was the only jew in the group & our tour guide was a holocaust survivor. The atrocities of this genocide were there right in front of me. Whole families were massacred, millions of them, children, mothers, sisters, fathers.....& then there are others who were blessed & who managed to survive the war & land in another country & have to start over with no one and nothing. And in this culture, religion & race of ours, there is such a primal instinctive drive for family and generations & the passing of traditions.....and in that context, my own pain was triggered intensely....it is so important to me to have a family with A, to surround our family with the rituals & traditions we have both grown up with & loved, to continue these traditions, to know our past, to be connected to it intimately yet create our families future.....& how do we do this without children & particularly without our own children???

After my work day was over, we took the boys on a long walk. we bumped into a close friend of As & his new partner. Instantly I felt uncomfortable. They were not in my inner world. After our meeting, they walked away & I was filled with a distressing thought. I imagined the new girlfriend asking her boyfriend why we didnt have kids? I then imagined him letting her know we were having a hard time & we'd had already quite a few miscarriages & in my imagination, even though he was sensitive about it, it still hurt like hell. A instantly knew I was upset about something & after much persuasion i recounted to him this imagined conversation. At first he couldnt understand why i thought such things, why was i torturing myself? i tried to explain to him - that this was my reality. Seeing people who arent in my inner world doesnt feel safe to me, it feels like seeing the baby capsule. Even the possibility of acquaintances discussing our difficulties fills me with pain. Every tiny trigger reinforces how unbearable this.....and hence, why living in our bomb shelter is an easier alternative.

Though A feels intense pain at not being a father, i do believe it is inherently different. I dont think the triggers are so intense, frequent, profound or painful. I can tell A doesnt feel the need to live in our bomb shelter. He still likes the idea of venturing out into the world & doesnt feel instantly confronted if we bump into people. Though Im sure it hurts him, i dont think a neighbouring cars baby capsule makes his eyes well up with the tears of 4 miscarriages & the fear & dread of remaining childless.

Tonight I was watching a favourite drama of mine on foxtel & a main character was telling his son a story & recounted that often people dont let go of a painful journey or process because in actual fact theychoose pain over nothing. Pain is better than nothing. I went inside & wondered whether that was happening for us. Are we so afraid that we will end up with nothing, childless, empty....that we keep trying for pain...is the pain of recurring miscarriages ultimately more acceptable or palatable than the alternative?

Spinach & leek fritters..hhmm..being cared for.

2006-07-05T20:47:00.000+09:30

Nikole from Babylust recommended a book - Coming to term. I ordered it from amazon & it arrived yesterday. It is so far, hitting the spot. Im not sleeping well, quite terribly actually. I am amazed I manage to function all day & drive to & home from work. I am very grateful for my new job.

I was in a soulless job but where the pay & conditions were great for maternity leave. I was stuck there waiting for our baby that never came. A few months ago, after struggling for 18 mths over this, I decided I needed to care about me too, not just this baby. I feared I may never have a baby or maybe I would but in years away still so i took the plunge & decided to leave & find a job where i was truly happy, felt effective & could make a difference. It has been years since I was in a job where i felt effective & had a valuable worthwhile purpose & finally I am there again......so I am grateful for this job. It means that I have a new focus. Of course it cannot overshadow our losses & miscarriages but while Im there im busy & distracted & purposeful & thank god!

After working hard, long days I am returning home to yummy cooked dinners by A. He has over recent months, as Ive slowly lost my ability to cope with the mundane tasks of cooking dinner, taken a much greater role in our kitchen & now it has become normal for him to create a yummy, nurturing dinner for me. I feel cared for in a way i havent for such a long time, since, in fact, my mother would cook for me & as I write this the tears start rolling down my cheeks. Dont get me wrong A cares for me enormously but never really mastered the cooking for me. When he needed to provide the dinner if I wasnt up to it he would collect a take away which was ok but I missed so much the specific feeling of being cooked for & cared for. I havent experienced this for almost 4 years & it has touched me & warmed my heart so much that he has been cooking & caring for me in this way. I knew I missed it & had told him before that when im really low i'd love it if he cooked for me but now he is & they are recipes i like to eat & have chosen. ive had dinner cooked for me by people (mother in law, relos, friends etc) since my mum died but they werent really 'for me', they were cooked meals. But mum used to cook in a special way. She knew exactly what i loved to eat, the types of foods, special meals & when i'd visit i'd be spoiled by my favourite foods & in each mouthful you would know they were made with love & just for you.......& since our last miscarriage, A has been doing that cooking with love & just for me & it makes me feel so cared for. Thanxxxxx A.

There are often times I start an entry & have no idea what i will write but it pours out of me & that is what i needed to write that night & there are other times Im very purposefully wrting about something because there is only that one thing on my mind.....this writing is good.....& so is the reading.....thanx to you all

& a particular thanx to jill for sharing her insights & feelings with me & knowing I was confronted by her decision.

Im hitting the sack early & going to devour more 'coming to term'...if im not sleeping then at least im able to devour relevant & helpful material.

Truth Time.....Confrontation.

2006-07-04T19:32:00.000+09:30

The physical pain has subsided as have the clots & i continue to bleed. I recall last miscarriage I bled for many more days than my usual period so Im preparing for another week even....& as the blood sheds, I do feel a little less trapped by the trauma & pain. It is all there I know but I am having moments when I can think of other things.....like.....

We have booked a very beautiful & cosy weekender for mid July in the mountains & we can take the boys so I cant wait. These days we take them on almost every holiday or weekend away. We wouldnt have it any other way. Thankfully we manange to find beautiful places that accept dogs. In the past while weve been on this painful rollercoaster I havent wanted to go on any relaxing holidays because last year when we headed away for a supposedly blissful week of nothingness....I found I became very depressed....when we had loads of time to sit & reflect & ponder & think, I found all I did was get very sad about the miscarriages & not being pregnant. So after that holiday I made a decision if we were to go on any holiday, it would have to be an action packed, stimulating holiday where we are kept busy by new sights & smells etc.....but after this last miscarriage, we do, once again feel the need to escape into nothingness just the four of us & breathe a little away from it all. A loves the mountains & the cold & to be honest I love the heat but theres a beautiful fire in our weekender & it'll do us good to get away. I just hope we do manage to get away...in our minds & hearts i mean, to let go a little & breathe.

Over the w'end I spoke to quite a few friends & let them know where i was at ....with finding it all too hard to be communicating about it & I am now relieved. Strangely, I don't mind blogging about it but i do mind talking about it with my friends.....in all the pain & confusion in my mind im experiencing, there are some things Im very clear about & one of them is i dont want to be talking about it with my friends at the moment (& for how long this lasts)...im sick of answering the same old questions, repeating the painful truth & it doesnt benefit me at all to talk about it. I understand they would like to know where things are at for me but Im feeling a little selfish with me at the moment, Im over talking about it & if it doesnt help me than i wont be doing it.....but blogging about it all feels very different.....becuase thats not answering the same old, same old, its writing whatever i feel like writing at that moment

Ok...Truth time. I read Jills entry & was overwhelmed at her decision to adopt a child. I respect her decision. I respect her pain & process that brought her to that decision. I believe she is brave & courageous to reach that decision & I am in awe of her being able to say 'enough' & decide to adopt......I was also terribly confronted by that decision. I know this is a very personal, unique process for everyone who travels this path & I know it is not helpful for me to think about me & our process at all in response to Jills but it is also natural & i am only human & i found it very confronting. When will we decide 'enough'? at 6 miscarriages? Well that means i only have two more chances.....Till now my husband & I have committed to try our hardest & keep going till we know we cant go on any more. We've both identified that at this stage we dont know when that will be but we will both know when we get there. After the trauma of this last miscarriage he said to me 'we can stop if you want babe, its your call'......though momentarily I cried to him that 'id had enough', I didnt really mean that.

We have met a few couples who persevered thru unbelievable odds. One woman, M, was 37 when she started ivf, had one child at 43 & another at 45 & had over 27 cycles. She lost count of her miscarriages & they sold their house to fund the exercise. All up they spent $300, 000. I have never met a more heroic woman & I have cried to her. In fact after this miscarriage I called her. She told me - Whenever I feel like I'd had enough just to go on that little bit more, she told me to persevere, to be relentless & we would get there. Similarly another couple I know persevered for 9 yrs, had 3 children & told me to keep going. (she was a lot younger than me when she started). My chinese herbalist who treats hundreds of women trying to get pregnant told me that for those who persevere, only a very few dont get there......& these are the messages we have chosen to follow (for now anyway)....but i cant deny Jills entry was confronting to me......at this stage, no i dont want to give up trying naturally but i wont deny, i am afraid of whats ahead, very afraid.

After miscarriage 2 -when i was a teary mess, A said to me 'babe, if we have to, we will adopt but for now were not there yet'. I liked that we both knew if we had too, we would but we werent there yet & i know were not there yet now either but.....at what point will we be there - 10 miscarriages, 12, 5?????

There was something confronting about Jills decision because 4 miscarriages is close to 6 & she made that decision at 6 & I totally respect her decision & her pain.......her 6 ....it was close to home for me & my 4.

Every friend tells me 'we will get there'......& I know they have no idea whether we will or not. Some really affirm it, they tell me they can feel we will definitely get there......in the past I have had that feeling too - a knowingness we will get there but I dont know what that feeling is.....is it hope? is it dreams? is it fear to allow for maybe we wont? is it unbelievable yearning? is it an idenification & a love for my mother so much so that i feel i too will be a mother?, is it past life experience that makes me feels like being a mother is familiar to me? is it family & community pressure? NO ONE REALLY KNOWS if we will get there......

I know one thing, if I am yet to have another 5 or 10 miscarriages - i hope I dont wish i would have called it quits after 4. I know whatever we decide for us will be the right decision & I trust that. I trust A & i deciding together in this process.

All i know right now is that for now we are choosing to continue to try. I do not know past right here & right now.

Life in my bomb shelter

2006-07-01T20:20:00.000+09:30

Sleeping pills are a good poison. I slept all nite for the first time in ages. We stayed in bed till late morning. It was indulgent but so necessary. It was a beautiful day so we headed out, just the four of us for a lovely coast walk. I was in pain all day, at times it was quite ok but at other times very painful - it was a cruel reminder of what was happening.

A & I are both low, the mood & tone of our interaction & dialogue is filled with grief & fear & uncertainty. We sat on the cliff & looked out for whales. There werent any today. Maybe they've all passed through & are already heading North to birth.

This arvo I called some friends who had called during the week. I feel close to them all & ideally wish I had the energy to connect & see them but i explained I was in survival mode & had no resources.

To one dear friend who has been very supportive, I explained I felt like we (A & I) had headed down into our bomb shelter & since that conversation, the metaphor has stayed with me. Thats exactly how I feel.

Its as if this 4th miscarriage has heralded doom & disaster. There are some experiences & events that you get used to managing when they keep happening. But not miscarriage - with each one, the loss feels greater & the dream feels harder to reach. Each miscarriage for me doesnt indicate we are getting closer but rather, this is so much harder than we ever anticipated. When we started trying to have a baby my worst nitemare was having to undergo IVF. I had never even considered i could ever have 4 miscarriages. And so with this miscarriage, I feel as though- it just gets harder & harder, worse than my darkest nitemare & with that realisation comes huger uncertainty & terror of whats ahead - If i had never imagined this could go down, what, for the life of me, is ahead of us? And that question which feels more like a state of mind has made me want to pack our dearest precious belongings, grab the dogs & head down to our bomb shelter & just be together & huddle in our darkness till its all over.

And that explains my state of mind & heart. Its war time & trauma. People who are in war & hiding in bomb shelters do not go out to socialise or shop or entertain themselves & that is where im at - im huddled with A & our dogs in our dark, contained, deep bomb shelter.

I have no idea how long this war will go for but thats where I'll be.

This arvo when I was telling my friends that I couldnt respond to all their calls & connect with them, some of them enquired about support & asked whether I was getting any? I explained to them that I had a blog & that I connected most nites to my international miscarriage virtual support group & I explained that it was 'just right' as far as support goes. I am grateful for this blog & to all of you who are experiencing the trauma of multiple miscarriage. I adore my friends & they are wonderfully supportive but there is something very special & helpful about connecting with people who are experiencing the same thing.

Finally....

2006-06-30T19:21:00.000+09:30

And finally I started to shed this pregnancy. I could tell it was going to be hell & so from the early morning hours I drugged myself with non sterroidals & codeine & the pain still screamed thru the drug barriers. My eyes have looked like theyre falling out of my head all day (not a good look for the new job). Somehow i managed to stay at work. Enduring all this in a brand new job is difficult. I have no regrets at leaving my soul destroying, highly paid job but the only benefit of that job was i didnt care & i spent more hours away from work than at work....so days like this were hard, really hard. I survived on chocolate & drugs.

I arrived home, hugged A, cried on his shoulder from the pain (not the loss but the pain, would you believe). A filled me a bubble bath. He surrounded the bath with candles & I lay there for over an hour. He put on some beautiful flute relaxing music & I felt half alive but at least in the heat & water, the pain finally subsided. I recall after my D&C, when the pain was torturous, I spent many nites half alive groaning in the bath.

The dogs kept coming in, getting soap suds on their noses & leaving only to return 5 mins later.

A is making a yummy dinner & thank god its the w'end & I have two days to bleed & try & recover.

I anticipated I would be so heavy I was worried I'd leak everywhere (sorry i know it may be too much information well if so, dont read the next few sentences). While it wasnt as heavy as expected, I did pass a few clots that were HUGE, similar to the size i passed after the 9 wk miscarriage. They were particularly painful. I recall from last miscarriage too that its when the huge clots are passing the cervix, thats the worst pain. They were enormous. What were they i wandered, a bit of fetus? endometrium?

I am wrecked.
I am exhausted.
I am at least pleased that finally ive started to bleed
I think once its leaving physically, i can start to shift emotionally & try to move on from this.

I called the miscarriage management nurse as I was told. She swaps from the pregnancy support nurse when youre pregnant to the miscarriage management nurse when you miscarry (how versatile of her). She booked me in for the 4D ultrasound & she'll tell me when i have to have regular bloods for tracking & then book me in for the endometrial biopsy. I hate having to go in there for bloods. Till now it hasnt bothered me soooo much but im noticing I loathe it now, its really taking its toll, this interventionist treatment & miscarriage trauma.

Tonite I found a new blog (knocked.typepad.com/). Jill has had 6 miscarriages. I only know the pain & trauma of 4 miscarriages & i know that to be unbearable so my heart goes out to Jill.

Todays update is....just todays update

2006-06-28T21:38:00.000+09:30

The first half of today was an emotional one. Thru my new job, I visited where my mother had resided for only a few weeks at the end of her life (thats a whole other story) but it was a tad too difficult. Ive been there since she died but today, it was too hard, the emotion wouldnt be supressed, it hurriedly poured down my face, i knew it was all too much, mum, this miscarriage. the previous three. I drove back to work in tears. I felt loaded up with loss.

I know its not gracious to feel sorry for me but the truth right now is that i do. I feel as tho' this lifetime ive endured enough loss. Loss has been a familiar experience for me & for someone in their 30's ive experienced too much of it. Yrs ago when i did an astrology course, I was told that scorpios are very connected to death & death energy, rebirth, death energy. Scorpio is ruled by the planet Pluto which is all about death & rebirth. Even my amazing astrologer is dead now (that probably sounds funny, but really isnt meant to).

Then in the afternoon, i had a tiny glimmer of positivity. A very close friend C called me at work to see how I was going. He was so lovely. He had the protest Ive been wishing people would have. He was overwhelmed at this outrageous situation....he couldnt believe they allow this to happen to us (miscarrying women), he was furious on my behalf. He started to tell me that he'd been talking to the president of his board (of his organisation - a very large prominent womens health org) abt my situation & she had been caring & respectful. I then told him our story abt how my RE had been upset at our desire to get a second opinion but we'd nonetheless persevered & had made an appt with this miscarriage specialist for the 12/7. He then said to me 'I wish you would see D" & then I exclaimed "it is her, were seeing" It was one of those synergystic moments & i felt a little hopeful that maybe the universe would provide after all. He immediately called her to tell her I was seeing her & she promised him she'd do all she could. I felt a tiny moment of relief. I am praying she will uncover things our RE hasnt.

Then when i got home A & I with the boys headed for a nite time walk to our local beach & had a yummy thai dinner. The boys ran around everywhere & even when youre really down, its uplifting to see two beautiful shaggy dogs so tremendously happy. It does lift our moods. All A & I talked about was this...our loss & strruggle. It is dominating our entire world. I told A I was thinking of sending an email out to our many friends & family Ive neglected ...Ive been feeling bad that for quite a few people Ive just cut off altogether & for others while it hasnt been so extreme ive still hardly been in contact. its been causing me pressure etc so ....I thought it could go something like this;

'dear all, Im sending this email to acknowledge Ive been distant & havent connected to any of you for a long time now. Im sorry abt that. As you know our fertility journey hasnt been easy & in fact it keeps getting harder. Its taking up all my inner resources to simply cope with it & survive this & Ive found the way I cope is to retreat & gon inside & hence Ive had no energy to connect with any of you. I guess this isnt going to resolve quickly & i have no idea for how long it will go on so im writing to say - unfortunately thats how it is & tho I do feel bad at my lack of contact, its the best i can do at the moment'

not sure if i should send something like that?......

Anyway, i got home, checked my blog & thru Nikole (thanx so much nikole) Id been connected to a many other also struggling thru this.....i felt less alone...it felt good to be in a community of support....thanx to you all.

There was still no sign of blood today tho it felt it would be arriving soon (but it has felt like that everyday). There was hardly any sign of sleep last nite too.....

So tonite Im sipping camomile & praying for some sleep.

& ill also pray Vivien gets a positive test & that it stays positive for 12 wks, no longer - till she delivers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Angry....

2006-06-27T19:22:00.000+09:30

Im still pregnant but i guess its not really a wholesome pregnancy as Ive been confirmed I will miscarry....I went in to the clinic this am for a repeat hcg - its still hovering but wont quite plummet down to zero. It is slowly declining & it feels awful. I've been angry - at everything! I acknowledge its the loss & grief but in the meantime - there's enough to be angry about anyway;
Im angry they just leave you to this cruel state. If theyre so interventionist, then why cant they enable it to come down quicker - its awful.
Im angry at my RE still, who was so ego based & unprofessional at our justified & reasonable desire to get a second opinion with a dr who is supposedly a specialist in miscarriage.
Im angry IVF hasnt mastered how to maintain pregnancies. I feel they do half the job. They are skilled at creating embryos but not much help after that.
Im angry that i keep miscarrying.
Im angry at the world that this is happening.
Im angry there arent huge protests trying to stop this from happening again - i know im sounding insane but on an emotional level - it does feel unacceptable to me - how can this keep happening? Can I make a complaint? Wheres the boss?
Why is it my RE had a kind of chilled out, laissez faire attitude?
From his point of view - he has already told me, that with patients like me (ie: miscarriers) who dont seem to have an explanation as to why it keeps happening - the most common pattern is-they (drs)start them (us) on clexane (a blood thinning drug) & perhaps they still have a few more miscarriages, but then for no known reason - they'll carry to term & nothing can be explained.....thats the majority, but he also did say that not all of them get there.
So i guess thats what he thinks -that i'll probably eventually get there....but from our point of view - it feels a tad different - its agony, emotionally torturous & not good enough!
Im scared too - very.....what if Im one of those who dont get there?
My nurse, K told me today that there was a client / patient /woman (whatever) who had this very situation & the embryo hovered for 6 mths...it didnt grow but nor did it die....I thanked god that this will be over soon. K is pretty sure I'll bleed within the week. I can feel how emotionally ungrounded & crazy I feel & its only been a few wks - i feel for the woman who had to put up with it for 6 mths. I pray im never there...but praying hasnt really helped me either lately & Im angry at that too!
In an ideal world, in an ideal space - i would accept graciously this is happening to me, you know...this is my path & im exactly where i need to be ................but thats such a hard place to get too......

Dear God, please help me cope with this graciously & spiritually where i come to accept my path & appreciate i need to be here for reasons I may never know.....

And in an attempt to not be soooo dark & down about everything & to be a little balanced - there are a few positive things Im grateful for:

Im grateful I come home each day to A & to the boys - my family
Im grateful for this blog & my new blog friends & support
Im grateful I found the energy on the w'end to start writing my book
Im grateful for my wonderful friends (but at times I wish Id never told them this is happening ...im not feeling like talking abt it at all)
Im grateful I have a new job & no one knows there whats going on so I have a place where I can pretend Im not going thru this
Im grateful A is cooking dinner, Im starving.
Im grateful that in this time of not really pregnant & not trying (no mans land) I can drink alcohol & take sleeping pills

I can smell my dinner....

The reality of loss

2006-06-24T16:23:00.000+09:30

The reality of this loss has arrived. We are absolutely miserable, so low. It is such a cruel process - all the symptoms are still loud, it feels as though the bleeding is still far away. It's a strange phenomenon-if I was a normal pregnant woman who doesn't suffer from recurrent pregnancy loss -I would have done the first test, received a joyful positive result & I'd now believe I was just over 5 wks pregnant...my body would support this feeling & I'd be filled with excitement...& lets say i don't start to bleed for a few weeks still, I would think I'd be pregnant till 7,8,or 9 wks...but i do know that's not the case & while I'm still pregnant, officially its all over.

I wish I would start bleeding already. Not so I can try again but just so I can start letting go of all of this. I know this all wont be gone as soon I bleed but it does help when at least Im no longer pregnant.

A is so miserable too. I wiah I could make him happy. I wish I could keep a pregnancy.

I feel I have no desire to see anyone at all apart from A & the boys (our dogs). Last nite we had dinner out with my dearest cousin B & while i adore him & he is supportive & the nite was lovely....I am finding it easier to stay home & be silent.

It is amazing to me I survived the work week with a bravado of 'all is fine'. Thank god I can just sit with it all over the w'end & not have to perform.

Last nite A gave me a sleeping pill. I hadn't slept at all. I felt like a total physical & emotional wreck. Now that I'm waiting to bleed & no where near trying again I had a few glasses of wine & a sleeping pill. For the first nite in weeks I slept. I still was awake between 3ish & 5ish but thats great for me. We stayed in bed till 11am. I needed it.

We are blessed by the boys. They are joyful all the time, affectionate & loving. Today we headed out for a cliff walk, the four of us, it was a lovely day. Its whale time here. They're heading north to have their calves so we had an incredible show of a beautiful pregnant whale breaching over & over -it was a moment of magic & uplifting energy in the midst of our lowness.

We are afraid of the unknown, of whats to come....will we have to have 8 more miscarriages before we finally hold our child in our arms? Will we ever hold our child in our arms?

After hearing the result on wed, I entered that agonising state of desperation to find out why this is happening. Once again I searched the net day & nite to try & find something that would explain this. It felt awful & I felt so alone. I felt - if I dont get to the bottom of this & find out why it keeps happening - no one else will. Don't get me wrong, A is very supportive but it is not his style to desperately research why this is happening, instead he shows support by being my private, quiet soundboard & support. The dozens of tests we had after our third miscarriage revealed nothing - all was clear. This time my research focused on thyroid auto immune disorders & natural killer cells. Both of these fall under the suite of auto immune disorders & perhaps there's something in this as my beloved mum suffered from an auto immune disease for too long. I spoke to our RE & asked him yet again, had my thyroid been tested. It had & it was normal but i read on some site that 'even with a normal TSH test, there can still be some thyroid auto immune activity that causes recurring pregnancy loss. The pregnancy support unit nurse I'd connected with told me of another RE who specialises in miscarriage & apparently she does more of a thorough work up than our RE. Generally, Im very satisfied with our RE - everyone will tell you he's the best but ofcourse when i heard that theres another dr who does a more thorough work up I wanted to see her for a second opinion. Out of courtesy I called our RE to let him know Id be seeing her. He wasn't at all happy, the conversation was a difficult one & to be honest I didn't appreciate it. I didn't need any extra shit put on me.

As far as the natural killer cells go - apparently the endometrial biopsy will reveal if I have any-ie: if Im attacking my own fetus.

I dont know whats happening but I do know a few things:

1) Apparently after 4 attempted stimulated cycles & not having a healthy pregnancy, the drs at our clinic do say to you your eggs are dodgy & you need to find an egg donor.

2) I believe & know my eggs are fine. Even though I have no substantiated evidence -I instinctively know my eggs are fine. The chinese herbs, my lifestyle & the stimulated cycles have shown me my eggs are good quality.

3) I also believe & know our embryos are fine too. Most of my eggs fertilise & we always have an 'extraordinary' result of embryos reaching day 5 blastocyst stage - which wouldn't be happening if they were dodgy.

4) I can relatively easily achieve a pregnancy. In the last 19 mths we've had 4 pregnancies. They all start fine. They implant well, The first hcg test is better than fine.

5) But then something happens & thats where it all falls apart -the something that is causing our miscarriages happens right then -they've implanted well & then something happens & they die or start to peeter out. Except for the 9 wk one - it happened later that time.

On Wed when our RE was giving me the result & I was demanding to know why-he did intimate that 'at my age, my eggs are probably not the best'.

I was angry & upset. My chinese herbalist had warned me that they do that - if youre not successfully prtegnant after 4 cycles - they cop out of responsibility & blame your eggs. As soon as I heard the begginnings of that - a horrible feeling started to rise within.

I guess thats it for now.

Part of me wishes I had the inner resources to write a book - to really write what this is like. I'd call it 'So many souls' - who knows ...may be I will....

but for now Im laying low, trying to heal & find the strength & energy to carry on.

More torture, more grief, more pain...

2006-06-21T19:13:00.000+09:30

The results came thru at 1pm. My favourite nurse called & in an appreciated honest & no-nonsense approach told me it had dropped to 165. My progesterone had dropped too. This pregnancy was heading to where my 3 others had gone - miscarriage.

I was shocked. How foolish of me to have been secretly excited & hopeful. How stupid of me to have been quietly confident when of course this was going to happen again.

I was at my new job. It was not possible to shut down my computer & head home to A, the dogs & the comfort of our friends at the end of the line. So I had to stay there & try to hold it together.

I'd already started fantasasing.....announcing to everyone the news after a successful transnuchal test, joining a pre natal yoga class & feeling like a normal healthy pregnancy woman, carrying a child well into the summer, birth classes, our sons circumcision or daughters naming ceremony, the speech we'd make there thanking our closest friends who supported us thru this torture.....& i wandered whether we'd been blessed with a boy or a girl. I wandered whether I was going to have the discipline to not find out & be suprised with A.

& now ...those fantasies have receded to no where land & there's the familiar pain, darkness, grief, isolation, fear, panic, despair...... & more grief....& more loss.

& now what ......more of the dreaded same.....but this time with an endometrial biopsy & some 4D ultrasound thrown in......& as usual, these tests I know, will come back clear & we'll be back to this horrid place ive come to know & hate....

I am feeling sorry for myself & I am angry at god...why the fuck is this happening?

Why am I bothering with chinese herbs, organic food, & everything else -is it all rubbish?

I called a supportive friend M, who isnt really a close friend but who has gone thru her own hell & is just lovely & supportive & lately we've seen them a few times & theyve been so understanding. I cant believe what they went thru - over 27 cycles, $300,000 later, they sold their house & 6 yrs later -a beautiful boy & 2 yrs after that, another miracle.....she had many miscarriages & didnt even bother considering it a pregnancy till she got to 7 or 8 wks......she held to her dream & got there & she told me we have to keep going...but right now, today - that feels torturous & the fear & the unknown of whats ahead for us feels even worse. Ironically the times she did keep a healthy pregnancy were the times she'd ditched all the organics, microbiotics, etc & was eating shit & working like a labourer fixing & selling their house.....

& Ive wandered tonite is M right? Should I abandon all these peripherals? or was it the chocolate i ate each day or the fizzy mineral water, was it that i didnt get enough sleep? Who the fuck knows?

When i was stuck at work in my inner torture, I was grateful for A & for my friends...they all sent beautiful sms's or called with love.

I came home, hugged A & cried.....I was grateful for our usual ritual...we took the boys to the park, the four of us were together & at least something felt ok & normal.

& then i began to feed myself shit id resisted for the last few wks - excessive amounts of chocolate, chips, ice cream & to top it off -pizza.....somehow it makes sense.....if I dont have to eat healthy for this growing baby, if its dying or dead, then fuck it!!!! But its also a self hate, angry, punitive expression .

I am angry at my body. It has let me down again. It has deceived me too. Even tonite I have extremely sore boobs.....it was these boobs that made me think were were all fine, all 3 of us......

I do wish we didnt want children as much as we do. I wish we could say 'you know, this aint fun, were not enjoying life, eachother or our world, lets let go of this kid thing, lets have a great life, the two of us with the dogs & forget the family thing'. ....some couples do get to that.

I dont know if that will be us. It feels so far from where we are. We desperately want children. Tonite A & I were talking about a very close friend who sold her house for a huge amount. A said to me...'we'll never be there, dealing with that kinda money'. My response was to instantly reply 'i dont give a shit aboutt that, i dont want that'...and my rsponse was so quick, so sure & direct because the only thing i want is for us to have a family & live in a house with light & love.....that my sound corny & tacky...but that is really all i truly want.

Awaiting test number 3

2006-06-20T19:01:00.000+09:30

Its two days later. Time has actually gone quite quickly with the new job keeping me busy. I have no idea what the result will be tomorrow but i do know it seems my symptoms have persisted & aren't lessening. My boobs have been considerably sore & tender.There's activity in my uterus. Occasionally i get crampy feelings & I havent started bleeding. I know these symptoms arent reliable but theyre all ive got to go on so im watchful of every body sensation.

We've (stupidly) started feeling quietly confident......i can tell....so were in for a rude, cruel & distressing shock if it doesn't go well.

The sleeping isn't great but i guess thats expected given the current anxiety ...

Im fantasising about the day when we know we're pregnant & we know it is fine & safe & all will be ok.....does that day ever come?

Surviving this torture, well kinda....

2006-06-18T16:47:00.000+09:30

Somehow Ive survived another day. My symptoms werent particularly significant yesterday but today they're louder....you see what i'm doing.....its crazy....its a moment by moment assessment of the situation by a grab & a poke of each boob.

How does anyone sleep thru this torture? At least today we had nothing official to do. A is still recovering from his op & the boys needed exercise so we camped outside all arvo by the cliff - lovely but freezing. Ordinarily i would have enjoyed a good hours walk with them but im a little paranoid after the clinic nurse told me to take it very easy.....would it make a difference? i have no idea...western medicine says it doesnt, my chinese herbalist says it certainly does & rest is best at this stage....so i took her advice & was a lazy slob most of the w'end.

Last nite i was researching hcg's or more specifically clow rising hcg's - apparently 85% women do not double their hcg within two days but three days so im hoping this means we are or will be ok. This arvo i was telling A my findings & we were speculating wed's results & strangely we both have a feeling it may be all right but our scared to say that & also our history indicates the opposite but surely at some point we can be freed from this traumatic fertility history & have a healthy pregnancy.

Suddenly while discussing our situation, i realised something i should have realised days ago. Here i was hanging out till wed for the 'ok' & then naively believed i'd know it was viable & we'd be ok.....& then i realised, but i mean really realised, that even if we get 'the ok' from our RE on wed.....that 'ok' will last for that day only.

Till we get to the transnuchal & get the all clear & even after that....im going to be anxious & tentative about this. In a way i feel as tho' ive been robbed of the excitement & joy one is meant to feel when one is pregnant. For us this time it is scary & anxiety provoking & it is such a hard & intense combinations of feelings to carry.

But at least we had a nice day. A was photographing the eagles above. I was watching the boys play & for a few moments throughout the afternoon we didnt think of hcgs or of our baby or of clexane.....

And tomorrow i return to the new job & will be kept busy. Ofcourse this will be on my mind constantly but at the new job no one knows our fertility history, no one knows whats going on now & i can at least pretend none of this is going on.

In the meantime i am grateful for A, the boys, my close friends who are supporting me thru each step of this process & this blog which by the way is finally connected to the world of blogs & of course im also grateful for our 4 wk & 2 day pregnancy......tho' its only small & young & still so unsafe.....it is already in my psyche in such a consuming way.

Why is this so hard?

2006-06-17T17:34:00.000+09:30

This is totally torturous. All week i was doing hpts -all were negative, i was feeling low & depressed but was quickly trying to move thru it - i was wishing my working week would be here as i was starting a new job & i was desperate for the distraction. Then wed nite, all nite i couldnt sleep, A was in hospital overnite for a monor op, i got up at 4.30, did a hpt & it was positive - it was a strong positive - out of nowhere....i was blown away & secretly thrilled. The next am i went early to the clinic for a blood test, it was a day earlier than scheduled but thats ok, i then raced over to the hospital to suprise A with the test.....this time i knew they'd ring with a postive beta & it was 139!!!!

We knew not to be excited. weve been here before. But i still prayed....this time its different, ive left a soulless depressing job which surely would have affected my spirit & core, im taking torturous clexane injections each nite .....surely this time we'd be allright.

I was holding out till this am, another 48hrs for a repeat beta. Yesterday tho' all my symptoms screamed positive things -as the day progressed i had such sore boobs, they hardened & bnecame so sore that by nite they were unbearably sore, my bloat was well & truly pertruding....all were looking reassuring.

This am my boobs werent so sore but i still thought it might be ok, theyre never as tender in the mornings i recalled from previous pregnancies. And i waited for the nurse to call. Our RE called early - instantly i thought...not a good sign....its 230 he said. It hasnt doubled, its increased by 65%. Our RE tried to reassure me ....that it doesnt always double every 48 hrs but every 48 - 72 hrs......he said he didnt want me to come back for another test till thurs.....that way, that would allow enough time to have a clear indication whether it was viable for now......i pushed for wed. he agreed.

& the hope & the secret moments of fantasy & joy i'd enjoyed started to recede again......somehow i knew where this was going....

the nurse from the clinic called.....she said it can still go either way, my estrogen & progesterone are increasing so she said it still looks like my body is supporting a pregnancy.....

i took the dogs to the park & suddenly that huge wave of exhaustion that i recognised was here with me, i was about to crash -so tired. i came home & went to bed.

im counting on my symptoms now to tell me whats going on as i'll have no further info till wed & so far the picture isnt great, my boobs are still tender but nothing like yesterday......so i figure its on its way down, it probably had doubled & is heading towards zero yet again......

why is this so hard for us? why is every step of this process so torturous?

thats 4 pregnancies now & 3 down & it looks as tho it'll be four in a day or two.

the longest ive gone is 9 wks but it had died at 8 wks.....this time we probably wont even get to 5 wks.

why didnt the clexane work?

Its all too hard. Ofcourse Im still praying & hoping all will be ok wed but its too painful to hope only, i have to prepare me for another loss & that way it'll somehow be a tiny bit more palatable.

The torturous mindfuck

2006-06-11T12:28:00.000+09:30

This is unbearable. After the pregnyl i had so many symptoms & it feels as tho' theyre slowly diminishing & if i were pregnant im assuming they'd be intensifying but i know anything can happen so this is one huge torturous mindfuck. I did a hpt this am but its a stupid test that doesnt tell me how many units of hcg it picks up so i have no way of knowing whether its too early etc...there was nothing & then a very faint (i mean very) line came up, i think even past the time allocated? i bet ive had my usual - an implantation but no progress....

i wish i were distracted but im afraid this time since my herbalists declaration im yet again obsessed....& the day i saw her (fri) i too felt it was possible, i felt my pulse racing, i was hugely bloated etc but it all seems to be fading fast....

the frustration tho' is changing to despondency!

i really hate this process & i pray for the day im free from all of this

in the m'time im stuck with it!

Annoyed!

2006-06-10T15:02:00.000+09:30

I wish she wouldn't have said that. How could she say i was pregnant with such confidence? Didn't she know that would do my head in...i was i think travelling with this quite well...ofcourse there was possibility, but as far as possible i was feeling calm, not obsessed, thinking of other things, etc & then it fell away so quickly.....& now im back to reading every minute body sensation, staring at my boobs to look for changes & not at all relaxed about it.....im simply annoyed!

its only day 22 so this will be a long week.....

bugger!!!!!

A fast slippery pulse

2006-06-09T14:52:00.000+09:30

No sleep....i was awake alot, it felt strange, normally when i've slept badly all nite, its the mornings when i collapse ino heavy sleep, but not today, i wandered could i be? but chose to put it down to the excitement & stresses of life right now, new job etc....

I headed to my chinese acupuncturist & i felt like i was racing, almost palpitations. i had the needles in for a good 30mins but couldnt really sleep, i lay there, praying, visualisations, trying to be meditative....then she felt my pulse & with confidence said they were fast & slippery & i was probably pregnant. She even congratulated me - what the???

After the shit ive experienced i didnt really want to hear her being so confident not unless she could guarantee me all would be all right & of course she couldnt but she did say that last time when i was pregnant, she hadnt felt my pulse so strong & fast so this time it was good.....

Instantly the stress levels rose, i was intending to do some running around this arvo, retail thero etc & suddenly all i wanted was to head home, rest.....but i couldn't..... i had to head to a hideously boring surburban department store to buy knickers & would you believe panty liners since now i seem to be leaking progesterone pessary - nice hhmmm

So here i am in that mode where i wait & wait & i pray....& create distractions....

A good distraction

2006-06-08T22:51:00.000+09:30

Today was a great day, a day i've visualised & thought about for a long time. It was the last day of a job that has been soul destroying, that i've wanted to leave for soooo long & today i did. I finalised the last few things, sent away the last report, the last email, threw away the last documents, had a very enjoyable lunch with a lovely group of people who ordinarily wouldnt have come together but who were friendly faces for me throughout my arduous time there. Then i drove thru that boom gate car park for the last time...it was satisfying. I felt the burden lift, the shackles fall & i felt lighter all round.

What an era & now its over. I went to this organisation in april '02 & 7 mths later mum died.....it served its purpose then as it was a job i could do very little in & still get by & for a good 20 or so mths after mum died i wasnt capable of producing miracles. i was getting away with the minimum but over time that environment wasnt good for me & i started to creatively dry up. i didnt feel valued there. i had become professionally impotent - it was awful.

I chose to stay for the wrong reasons.....we were about to have a baby or so i thought, i needed the good pay for maternity leave etc.....i was desperate for our baby to arrive as he/she became my escape route out of there...well for at least 8 or so mths....but that plan didnt happen as so many plans dont & finally with the encouragement of A i decided to leave....my happiness, satisfaction & sanity were worth too much.

It took me a long time to make that decision & go but i finally made it & wow - it felt good today.

im excited for the new, the unknown, for feeling stimulated, valuable, needed again....

it'll be good.

& you know what else? my escape was a good distraction today.

Crazy times....

2006-06-07T19:24:00.000+09:30

Nine days to go & counting! This two - week wait or rather 11 day wait is quite awful. Whats worse is the clexane injections each nite. It hurts, it stings. I hate having to do it! The last two nites i've been reduced to tears & feeling very sorry for me. Till now each injection, each drug, each procedure i've weathered & to be honest quite well i think but this clexane is the pits....its fundamentally wrong to expect women trying to have a baby to endure torture....its like ...'theyre desperate, they'll try & take anything so it's fine'..well its not fine at all...why cant they find a happy replacement, one which doesnt result in tears.....

Ths time tho' im feeling a little better. I remember the two week wait back in nov after my first stimulated cycle....i was a mess..this time around i kno what to expect, i know now that the pregnyl drug makes my boobs sore & my nipples tender so i kno not to read these signs as symptoms of a pregnancy when they are evil toxic side effects aimed to fuck with my mind & body.

Leaving my old toxic, soul destroying job is great. Starting a new job is even greater so hopefully these two distractions will free me from the 24 hr obsession i've endured.

Next week, the day after my new job startes A goes into hospital for surgery & then for 10 days he'll be bedridden or at least houseridden & definitely not on his feet....im a little daunted of this time...new job, real working hours, looking after A, the house, the dogs with no assistance....then for the next 6 or so weeks he'll be pretty immobile.....it aint going to be easy doing everything when i might be pregnant & tired as well....

It seems as tho we're never just cruising, we're always stressed & challenged with something, our fertility,ivf, our jobs, & now A's surgery & recovery....i suppose i should be grateful too - its not serious surgery, he's just been made permanent at his job, im starting a new job so maybe i should be counting my blessings but somehow...its hard....

I'll tell you what....I'll make a deal with you....when i get pregant with our B1 & B2 (notice the when, not if), carry them till 12 wks, birth healthy babies -i'll count my blessings for the rest of my life!

Things we do....

2006-06-05T22:32:00.000+09:30

Today was the day, embryo transfer day, blastocyst day 5 day. It was pouring relentlessly. A had only 3 hours sleep since he was on an emergency shift. I had less than that because, well just because & there we were slurping porridge while driving thru traffic to get to the pre transfer acupuncture session. There were 6 people in her clinic but when youre on embryo transfer day, you become a VIP. Straight upstairs & 40 mins of acupuncture to relax my uterus.

Back in traffic heading to the clinic & there i was again in surgical gear awaiting the scientist. So the final day 5 report looked like this "2 great blasto's already expanding applying pressure to the zona, 4 great looking blastos ready to freeze & 2 more still doing their thing so we need to ring on wed to see if they got frozen...so far 6 grade 1 blastos from the 12 fertilised"

I was disappointed. I thought we'd get 8 or 10. I wished A hadn't consumed the caffeine..but then our RE visited. His first words were 'youre a star performer'.....he explained this was way better than average & i should be pleased so perhaps my expectations were not realistic.....familiar story in my life!

We saw our blastos on the screen, to me they didnt look like babies in the making. i couldnt delineate their masses that become the placenta & baby....but i trusted they looked great.

Then after some fiddling as my uterus is a little retro (apparently) they were there together swishing around.
RE showed us the air bubble that follows them & we were done.

This time im doing an extra injection each night to hopefully avoid miscarriages.....no guarantees but hope.

It hurt, it stung, i felt sorry for me but then of course i knew if this is what it'll take ...an extra injection each nite that stings - bring it on!

Then we were back at the acupuncturist, for more treatment - this time to hold the embryii in place. i slept. it was peaceful. Downstairs i collected more herbs -this time 'H' herbs to hold the embryii, deer antler, royal jelly, granules & $300 later -we were heading home via the organic butcher for a few bags of protein, also good for developing dividing embryii.

My chinese herbalist advised i do nothing for a wk. she directed A to do everything, me to take a wk off work & to lie around like a sloth.....that aint quite possible but i did manage to lie on the counch from 4 till 10.30, chat to my lovely friends & support group & watch serious shit on tele...things we do for developig embryii!!!!

& now the dreaded two week wait commences....but this time with a twist. i start my new job next tues. this wk i'll only go in for 2 half days & i will try hard to remain calm. This time i kno what to expect. I kno already my boobs hurt & my nipples are tender & im bloated from the drugs so hopefully i wont perceive these signs as pregnancy but i also kno as these 2 weeks unfold, it is hard to stay sane, calm, rationale etc

& will i go down the home pregnancy test torture trail?

Who knows?

Dividing & Thriving....

2006-06-03T17:08:00.000+09:30

Today was A's nephews barmitzvah, a lot of people, a coming of age for J, A's nephew, many relos, rituals, prayers, food - the works.....but i was distracted. I realised there is always a distraction for me now. Today it was waiting for the nurse to call me with the day 3 progress report of our embryos.

The results are very good, unusually good - & i wasn't shocked. This was consistent with what i now know of my egg quality. We have 2 well ahead of their time, they're already compacted morulas (a good day ahead in their development), a further 8, spot on with their development & looking good & another 2 laggers...not quite the required 8 cells but still looking good.....So all 12 are still doing their dividing thing, thriving along.

Nurse K (who is just lovely) warned me they might not all make it to day 5 - blastocyst stage, she said a few may drop off. Even if a few drop off - we'll still be left with 10 - an exceptional result yet again.

But in a way, all these amazing results don't mean anything unless they implant, decide to stay & survive the obstacles that the others sadly haven't. It's easy to be lulled into hopefulness & positivity, when in actual fact - this alone doesn't amount to a healthy pregnancy & a baby.

But it is still good news & far better than at this stage not having any robust embryos that look like theyre going to make it to blasto stage.....

Lets just hope they keep it up a little more than 5 days of development......how about 9 mths???

My Great Eggs!

2006-06-01T15:53:00.000+09:30

The report this morning went something like this:

"Hi i know they told you they'd retrieved 14 eggs but actually he (RE) retrieved 13 eggs & something else. He's not too sure what it was but it wasn't an egg. Of the 13 eggs retrieved, 12 have fertilised with A's sperm -thats an excellent result."

I was pleased. I was proud of my eggs. Despite this whole process being traumatic .....today i did identify a positive .....somehow, tho' i once feared & panicked about my egg numbers or quality...& felt dread at perhaps one day having to find an egg donor.....i now had an intuitive sense, an inner knowing that my eggs are good quality, great quality!!!! I now kno' the reason we've miscarried has nothing to do with my egg quality. Dont ask me why i know this with such certainty but i do!!!!!

Yesterday our RE warned me not to expect the same ratio of embryos reaching day 5 (blastocyst)...he said that was 'unusual & exceptional'.

I know a similar wild number will reach blastocyst & it will be a testimony to the wonderful quality of my very own eggs!!!

If only id know with such certainty we were going to get pregnant, not miscarry & have our beautiful children...

& one more thing.....what was that strange unknown entity he retrieved from my uterus if it wasn't an egg?

Empty Ovaries

2006-05-31T15:50:00.000+09:30

I survived! I was scared, shitting myself in fact. I remembered the last retrieval & the injections into each ovary were not fun at all. So this morning arrived, my gorgeous friend D picked me up & off we went. A was working all night & would meet me there in full surgical gear.

They kept me waiting for ages. There'd been a D&C they had to do so the wait was horrible, anxiety provoking. A arrived, there we were A, D & I all dressed in blue surgical gear awaiting my dreaded procedure. I was in the full theatre this time as some other dr was using the room i knew (yes, believe it or not the other room had become familiar & comfortable to me already).

A & D were seated. I lay on a slanting table with legs up ofcourse in stirrups, you know the dignified female procedural posture. And a sedative, fentinel was visiting my veins - as much as I hate taking drugs, you know the codeine type or benzo type - i must admit this was pleasurable.....there was a time when i enjoyed the odd recreational party pill & this was the closest to it I've had in yrs.

Our lovely RE was down where he usually is inserting the speculum, washing me down etc & then it began... long, very long injections into my vagina - ouch! OUCH & more ouch! It stung.....Ive got a tough old vagina but it doesnt like injections & nor do my ovaries.

It was a strange pain, not too bad to be honest but unpleasant enough & i was still vocal - the whole experience hurts in a way. Our RE was lovely & pointed out that i'd missed an ouch opportunity.

The scientists were quietly perving at my eggs under the microscope & every now & then a very good looking egg appeared on the plasma screen...they looked good if i say so myself!

Then over to the other ovary & more stinging, more pain & more vocalising.

RE thought it amusing I was intending one day to have a natural birth with no drugs.....

It was over, they'd retrieved 14 eggs in total - double last time!!!!!! This was the amount I asked for & here they were.

I was wheeled into recovery by RE. We laughed & felt relief.

A was asked to visit andrology & I sat with D & a heat pack on my very sore uterus.

RE appeared to inform us we had 14. He was pleased with this result. We were all pleased. He did warn us that 4 of them looked quite immature but he was still pleased.

The scientists visited too to repeat this info. My eggs were in good hands now.

This arvo & evening there'll be busy fertilising with A's boys & in the morning I'll get a call to tell me how many fertilised.

I'm hoping 10 or more get it together.

Oh, one more thing - the scientists said the 10 mature ones didn't look good - they looked great!!!!!

Am I asking too much?

2006-05-30T14:17:00.000+09:30

I feel as tho' I'm about to pop. It's such a strange feeling each step i take causes discomfort as it feels the eggs collide with one another or something else. Each time I put my arse down it causes more discomfort.....its obviously crowded in there.................the last ultrasound showed i had 13 follicles growing - much better than last stimulated cycle but i cant get too confident as the big follicle was 23 mm but the littlies were only 12mm.....not sure how many he'll be able to retrieve & then how many will be mature or ripe enough to fertilise with A's boys!

& im praying A's boys are robust & healthy. Poor A has been doing horrible shifts, emergency work thru the nite etc. To get thru the nite he's been assisted by good old caffeine. I thought about it last nite & realised he's been having around one coffee a nite. Suddenly i had a reaction, a strong reaction.....for the last almost two yrs I've not enjoyed one cup of coffee, as soon as i've discovered any of my enjoyable treats such as green tea or soy milk were potentialy harmful for fertility I gave them up, begrudgingly, resentfully but nonetheless gave them up, not reduced their intake...gave them up! So it affected me that A has been having coffee. In reality, it probably or hopefully wont make a scrap of difference & his boys were supposedly of good quality but it was something else that upset me - it was the principle, the philosophy that i was committed to doing absolutely everything i could to optimise the health of our unborn babies. I was trying to ensure our embryos would be robust enough to cope with the hurdles that exist for a developing embryo & if this meant sacrifice then so be it.

After 3 miscarriages - was i asking too much? i dont think so. It's not as if we're 27, just starting on the fertility ride & adopting a laissez faire attitude to see what happens.....we've been on this roller coaster for almost 2 yrs, we've endured 3 miscarriages, we're not 27!

I just want A to adopt the same commitment, the same rigour, the same energy. Thats probably unfair, as he's his own person & needs to do it his way & I kno he has horrible shifts & i acknowledge he certainly needs a stimulant to get him thru the nite but i want him searching the net to try & find natural, safe replacements for things like coffee. After all, I've had to start drinking oat milk instead of soy & in cafes ask for boring water with lemon instead of my preferred chai or green tea.....is it too much to ask???

I've sought reassurance & guidance from beautiful women friends today & basically, tho' theyre details differ -they all shared the same idea - it's the women vs men thing, the eternal difference. A few of my female confidants who already have kids offerred a warning - 'get used to it, when it comes to nuturing, the women do it in a different way, the men do it in a male kinda way, one which doesn't include sacrifice & selflessness...............'.

I suppose I'm still an idealist at heart & believe it could be different or wish it were!

7 Follicles and Counting.....

2006-05-25T21:53:00.000+09:30

A terrible night, no sleep, tossing, turning, anxiety that i'd have only 2 follicles, no follicles,.... who knows....so many bad scenarios flashed past but the morning finally arrived & as A drove in to the clinic I kept repeating to myself 'I've done everything i can'.

& then finally i was there watching the screen waiting to see my follicles appear...she started counting on the left side...1, ...2 & then moved over to the right side. i had a slight panic...'what! only 2 on the left side...this is going to be like last time' & then the right side showed off 5 follicles. the sonographer even stated there were some smaller ones but they dont bother measuring them unless theyre over 10 mm......

So we were relieved, very relieved. Whilst i know it means nothing unless we end up pregnant..it nonetheless was a hurdle we had to jump - the first follicle number game!

Back we go on Saturday for the next ultrasound - & how quickly ive become greedy.... i want over 10 follicles, yes....why cant i have more than 10!

.....i'd like 14 please.

A Numbers Game

2006-05-24T19:36:00.000+09:30

Tomorrow morning the dreaded number game begins. How many follicles will i have? How many eggs will i have at retrieval? how many will fertilise? how many embryos will reach day 5?

It's stressful & anxiety provoking. Last stimulated cycle at the first ultrasound on day 7, i had only four follicles. I was devastated. Even our RE said he was disappointed. Then by retrieval I had 7. Though 7 wasn't a great number it was better than 4. We were warned that probably only one or two would reach blastocyst stage & we had 4 serious embryos make it to day 5 but then we didnt get pregnant anyway....so here we go again....This time though, I've been on chinese herbs for almost 6 mths & other wondrous things like deer antler & royal jelly & ginseng & reshi mushroom capsules...surely all these efforts will be rewarded tomorrow with great numbers & even better quality & then there'll fertilise fantastically & make it to day 5 & then implant securely for the next 9 mths.....please!!!!!

So I try to stay calm & pray & be grateful for what i do have.

& i bloody hope its all ok tomorrow.

Mothers Day!

2006-05-14T21:00:00.000+09:30

Theres been much happening......i got a new job, after yrs of dissatisfaction & exeriencing slow soul & spirit destruction ive resigned...ive got a month left there but then im outa there & over to new...i think it'll be good, i think i'll care again & feel valued, stimulated & no longer feel professionally impotent & who knows maybe the change & stimulation & feeling worthy again will translate to my womb

.....the appointment with our RE was ok, just ok.....all the myriad of tests were just as expected - all clear.....i must admit i was actually hoping theyd find something wrong with me but i was also hoping that it could be fixed - that would have been the ideal outcome as now it would be over & we'd be on the road to becoming parents of something other than a miscarriage...but he kept telling us we were normal & all was clear...somehow it didnt sit with me too well - i dont buy it - its not normal to keep miscarrying...we talked options ...a laparoscopy or another stimulated cycle but this time adding clexane to the formula ( a blood thinning drug, which he said in some miscarrying women works well) & he recommended we go again.....oh yes i forgot one important new bit of information - he said im no longer 'infertile', im a 'miscarrier' - there was a time when i worked clinically where i advocated so vehemently against labels & here i am telling my friends..'im a miscarrier'......so here we go again....injecting lucrin & we start the puregon injections next fri.....

....i was thrown into a sheer panic ..i called up an old naturapath i used to see ...she suggested i dont take my chinese herbs while on an ivf treatment as it would reduce the effectiveness of the treatment...all of a sudden i was panicked, confused, afraid...it was awful - i consulted my closest friends, the old favourite internet, even dog park friends & couldnt find any solace to my desperation.....was i doing the right thing? will it fuck everything up? who should i trust? my herbalist was desperately trying to defend her treatment, my dr told me to immediately cease the herbs....i was uncelar & useless & the one thing i kno is you cant force clarity.....so i sat with it for a few days & i think im getting back to my clarity....it feels as tho' beneath the layers of panic & fear are solid intuitive wisdoms about the benefits of chinese herbs whilst on ivf treatment...so i await the crystal clarity but for now even a foggy clarity (you know what i mean) will do & i confidently downed my 'P' herbs tonite.

today was bad, ugly & downright awful. when my mother died 3 & a half yrs ago, all of a sudden - mothers day turned into a dreaded day where the best place to be was hiding in my house....i felt bereft & angry & alone & all i could see were picnics & lunches & mothers & daughters walking together ...they all celebrated their mothers & honoured them in public & i was motherless!!!!! i thought it couldnt get worse

& now mothers day has added pain...not only am i unable to be with my mum lying in the sun on a picnic blanket enjoying her favourite cheeses & spoiling her with pressies but nor can i experience the joy of celebrating my own experience of motherhood.....there are no hallmark cards for 'to my mummy love your miscarriage'.....& ofcourse i dont want one of those anyway - but i do want one day to enjoy the silly consumerist day, i want one day to be spoiled because i am carrying our baby or pushing our pram.....i want to be out there in public on mothers day & not have to hide in the safety & pain of our home.

im glad mothers day is almost over for this year....

Awake Again

2006-04-29T03:23:00.000+09:30

It's 3.51am. I wish i were fast asleep next to A surrounded by our beloved two dogs (R & B) dreaming deeply. Instead im snacking on pistacchios, starting this blog.

Why couldnt I sleep? .....
Why cant they find something wrong?
Why do we keep miscarrying?
If our embryos are good quality maybe we should consider surrogacy?
I wish A were awake too....
When do we need to start considering options like this?
What will happen at our appointment with our reproductive endocrinologist on tues?
How will my interview go mon? God i hope i get it, i have to get out of my hellhole job....
i wish A were awake too...bummer
What invasive test will he order next? a hysteroscopy? a laparoscopy?
Maybe its endometriosis? or immune disorders or clotting disorders?
What if they dont know what it is?
A's moving....is he awake...no...bummer
Will my chinese herbs help or am i just wasting loads of money? no surely they'll help, i have faith in her (amazing chinese herbalist)
After 3 miscarriages..somethings got to be wrong.....
Thank God its the w'end...i can sleep in

A sleeps so well. he is a functional sleeper. he lies down, his head rests & immediately sleep takes him away. I try to catch the sleep boat each nite but if i miss it i lie there hoping it comes back to get me. Occasionally it does but for some reason it only returns in the wee hours of morning 4ish, 5ish....there needs to be more sleep boats travelling my rthyhms.

Today i caught up with a lovely friend who's been living o/s for 4 yrs. She's returning in Sep. I recounted to her our fertility history, the three miscarriages, the beginnings of ivf, the tests so far, the distress, the survival & caringly she asked how ive coped with it.....I started to explain that "if you were to scratch the surface you'd find me a blubbering mess, despairing, wounded by a huge void & gap in our lives that is so loud & takes up so much space"...& as i expressed this the blubbering messiness rose to the surface & the tears started to roll down but then i continued..."but i cant afford to go there & fall apart & be a blubbering mess coz its too goddam painful & i have to get on with it so somehow i keep it for the most part under the surface & get on with it & continue on this scary, painful roller coaster" and as i explained the need for me to survive & get on with it the tears quickly retreated back to their sub surface home.

Thats how it is for now.